Comfort Zones

 Although I’m musing now about doing a video focus group for the first time, it actually put me in the mind of why it’s important to wander outside of your comfort zones. When I was younger, life became increasingly about finding comfort zones. I remember that curiosity didn’t always lead to positive growth and adventure and over time, I began to place more value on security and familiarity, not so much to stick my head in the sand and avoid discomfort, but because trouble and trauma was an obvious downside to being reckless with impulses. As an adult, I’m not risk adverse but I often consider a boring day to be a good one, at least until I realize my brain is becoming slow and lazy where it isn’t challenged at all.

So in comes the video focus group. An email came asking if I would like to participate for a rather nice compensation and I usually say hell no to videos because seeing what a camera does to me often horrifies me into wondering if I really talk and look like that. Of course I know I don’t because I’m super anxious and having a stage fright sort of meltdown but I constantly wonder what experiences I might be missing by shutting down opportunities based on my inherent fears of seeing myself in video.

So this time I said yes, sign me up. I didn’t ask what it was for, didn’t ask what would be required, didn’t know if they would disclose it if I did ask, just assumed from the screening questions that it was about electronics. It’s for a hypothetical new product by a well known tech company (I didn’t have to sign an NDA but I’m also not going into the details either) and ugggggh, the moderator kept asking me to start a new question.

So it was pretty much banging me in the head of an area I’m no good with. I’m not that great forming original ideas. My ADHD was causing me to just lose my train of thought or ramble on without remembering my point. I should have been a mess by the end of it but the moderator did one thing right. She remembered there are customers just like me that they need too. People that don’t have all the right answers, who aren’t eloquent, who lose focus. I could have built off of any of the other panelists’ ideas and done much better, but by the end of it, I began to understand why she put me outside of my comfort zone. Maybe it was intentional. I’m clearly a writer. I’m great at it and it’s known, easy to find in a search. I’m great at crafting thought at my own pace and self-editing slowly. But I’m a bit unhinged without something to build off of. So by the time we reached the end, I was plenty ready to be done but also not completely deflated and humiliated. I saw the reasoning in why she liked to catch me off guard. 

Comfort zones don’t help companies grow either. And while I wished I was more eloquent and had more profound contributions, I was actually surprised hearing others agree and expand on what I said. I always place myself where I’m strongest and it was really interesting to experience it the other way around. 

Leaping Over Leap Day

 It’s been a while since I’ve wandered over to the old blog to post updates and I thought about not doing it because I have no idea what I even wrote about last time so instead, I’ll just apologize if I’m rehashing anything here again.

In January, I saw my primary doctor again and was able to get back on Vyvanse again, which helped me sort out my head. On the upside, it no longer raises my heart rate and BP since getting back on it. Insurance switched it over to generic only but I haven’t had any issues except for some mild headaches at first, but that went away within a week. I’m also on order for two dosage amounts that work best in case one or the other is short one month. So far, no issues though.

Went back to the foot doctor in February because the foot issue was lingering too long. First we discussed possible nerve surgery since the x-rays didn’t turn up anything he could see but he wanted to get an MRI first to rule out other possible culprits that would make the surgery the wrong one. Results for that came back for possible early osteonecrosis of the second metatarsal, a hairline crack at the head of the joint, so again, going conservative by treating it like a stress fracture and I now wear a fracture boot and take diclofenac for inflammation. I go back early March to see if that does much good. If not, well, a Freiburg infraction (another term for it) is likely and that will be several surgeries down the road because you can’t stop the deterioration. Core decompression surgery and replacement surgery are the big ones but I’ve seen other options that might help slow the progression and pain of it too. As usual, we’ll see. When it comes to these things, it’s a waste of precious time to fixate on worrying over what could be. I stayed informed and hope for the best and leave it at that.

As if to drive home that things can always suck a little extra, I caught a nasty cold after so carefully avoiding any for the past few years but it was bound to hit like a brick because of that. I’m still on the sticky congestion stage after a week but I’m basically getting back to normal now. 

Did some work making the digital files I’ll be printing for my miniature cafe project. Really, once I rig lights and get the walls, windows, door and patio attachment done, the rest will come together pretty quickly. I have most of the detailing done, though I may think of little touches to work on as I go, but it’s likely I can finish it this month. Plans are a bit of a lost cause so realistically that’s if bigger obstacles don’t worm in. At this point, I’m just happy I could work on a few things today. That was definitely the hardest part of enduring that cold, though that awful sore and bone dry throat that tortured me the first three days was definitely a contender until the mucus came along and offered relief.

lol I crocheted yet another sweater for my sister and I’m planning on doing a summer beach coverup for her next. I never wear the things I make so I figured I’d be able to satisfy my curiosity and put it to good use that way. And yeah, yeah, I *could* sell it but that way always lies misery. I enjoy gifting; I don’t enjoy explaining how if I sell it, it won’t be cheap. But it’s one of the few ways artists can control their value and enjoyment of their skills. It doesn’t have to make sense to others but that’s the way I do it and it works for me. Integrity of my values and control of my assets have taken years to sort out. If you want me to funnel precious time and energy into a specific project, the offer has to fulfill those. Otherwise, I want to put my time towards my long queue of things I’ll likely never finish but will certainly attempt to.

I have things to draw, books to write, ideas to crochet (or turn into patterns), dolls to customize, video games to play, miniatures to make, 3D models to design… being a conveyor line of low-cost goods isn’t among them. I have definitely been focusing time towards ‘giving back’ as well, where I enjoy teaching people about my skills and hobbies, awareness for ADHD and fibroids and so on. I don’t sit around with nothing to do. I have to constantly make sure I’m achieving a balance between these things and the most basic of needs. No more ‘ha ha, I’ll sleep when I’m dead’; no, ma’am/sir, sleep and exercise and diet are all things I can’t just sacrifice thoughtlessly for work or passion. If I really want to get all I can out of life, I have to remember I’m not getting younger or more ambitious. But I’m getting better at everything and more realistic about how life works. I just want to get those things in that matter. I intend to be stubborn about my priorities but flexible about what I can actually do about them.

And that’s that. No leaping for me. Fucked up foot and all. But already I’m thinking, what exercises will I be able to do long term if this becomes a longer obstacle? Why not learn and prepare just enough that hope allows for optimism too? Why not make those outrageous things I might have laughed about before but then stop and think ‘actually, that would be pretty awesome if I could’? Let’s go for it…

I Think I’m Ready Now…

 I didn’t want to get into the habit of droning on and on about the ups and downs of recovery; I’ve fallen into redundancy with blogging in the past and it’s something I’ve wanted to avoid repeating. But it hasn’t been easy.

I’ve gone from energizing highs to aggravating lows. One thing that has made the past month harder than usual is that my ADHD meds have hit a desert. But I’ve also been better off without stimulants, my heart rate and sleep and hormones better so I’m thinking I need to address trying a non-stimulant med. My focus has been absolutely shot and my frustration with fighting impulses and sudden memory loss are still too much to manage well on my own.

But it’s my weight that is bugging me the most. I’ve lost some inflammation for certain but I can’t quite deal with how alien I look to myself. When you spent most of your life being fit and normal weight, being overweight is disjointed and obesity is horrifying. I can’t move the way I want to and I can never summon enough energy I need creatively. I NEED to lose weight to meet the goals that actually matter to me. If it were just being fat, fuck it, let it be. My blood and other tests have been stellar, but it’s the feeling of being trapped in a body that isn’t working the way I demand from it that can’t continue.

I was going to just chill through until the New Year, but now I want to start the day after Christmas. I’m not planning anything for the new year so I’m going to go ahead and start bringing on the pain of change. I can’t be content in this body so alien to me and now that the tumor is gone and the large incision fully fused, I want to get going. I set a workout schedule, conservative because I did this before and learned what not to do if I found myself a square one again, and I’m going to go for it once family time is well-spent.

I do feel more myself but this body is something I can’t be content with. I have to work harder to repair the damage done. My surgeon gave me this golden chance to fight my way out and it’s too good to waste. It’s truly time to fight to win myself back. To feel strong and confident and eccentric and bubbly again. I have a lot of bad-ass ideas yet to set loose in the world and a life to live to the fullest. It’s the only one again and my little speck of existence. I want to treasure every moment but it will always fall short unless I care for the shell I’m in. I want to feel bold and beautiful and match the energy of my mind and spirit again.

I’ll get there but I have to be ready to hurt and fight through the trials. And things in this world sure love to try me so I should be at my best to give it right back.

Nothing Special?

 I don’t have anything particular in mind but I definitely have some life changes worth noting.

On the positive side, my weight is coming down on its own, I’m able to do a full range of lifting and bending and stretching. I’m not constantly dealing with aches and pains. The pressure that was concerning in my left eye is normal again. I’m able to get more exercise by the day. Been keeping up with crafts and crochet but some of it is gifts I don’t want to spoil by posting where it can be found, so a lot will come up after the holidays.

Negatives: still have the eye floater and now astigmatism in the left eye, near sighted in the right. I’ll need progressive lenses to see better. No idea what to do about the floater but my insurance probably doesn’t cover it. The toe I had injected last year is starting to ache again; may need an alcohol injection to kill the nerve. Perimenopause is a bitch so insomnia and hot flashes seem to be an annoyance some nights. My diastolic BP is higher than my doctor likes but I’m very much going to attempt to make changes and fix that. My BP has been higher since the ovary problem came to a climax and I expected it may take time for it to come down so I’m not worried about it at the moment. I’m not experiencing the concerns that come with BP problems like shortness of breath or racing heart rate.

I’m still working on projects that help me balance creativity and stamina. Although I’d love to go back to writing my books, getting those big ideas swirling around onto the page, it’s difficult to concentrate on using a computer much right now and the eye floater is behind this. I’m still hoping it’s temporary or I’ll have to find some way to afford getting it zapped or drained. I do have plenty that needs to get done where it won’t be an annoyance so I’m going to continue working on my health and hoping some of these negatives can be shed with this newfound ability to use my body. Before, I felt like a voodoo doll, just stuck from every direction so there was no ‘do this to fix that’; I was restricted so bad that normal rules didn’t apply. I was gaining weight not eating for 5 days, unable to bend or do anything without pain that didn’t match the actions.

And now I’m starting to recognize my own body again. When I get signals, they mean something and I can fix the problem and feel better. I ended up isolated because no one could help me and people felt helpless. They couldn’t feel my pain and doctors couldn’t help me validate it because they weren’t taking the effort to look. Cycles of futility that made me fade into depression and anxiety, unable to enjoy anything, hanging on by a thread by hoarding projects I couldn’t start. I felt like I was twice my age and ready to be done with all of it. I was a wraith, a husk of a person. The return to finding myself has been exhilarating and fun. I feel the bubbliness and electric wit coming back more naturally, not pushing through a dense mask of desperation.

I can’t wait to show all the bits and pieces of these projects! I can’t wait to find more ways to advocate for women’s medicine and ADHD and hope. Whether I’m just helping one person or many get a boost, it’s truly what makes me me. I’m always learning how to hear others without losing myself, that sacrifice cannot be something that always drains you, that it must feed you to be your best self in some way. I anticipate, for once, a really optimistic year and truly hope for things to keep trending towards good fortune. 

Writing to My Past Self

 This is an exercise in reflection that we sometimes stumble on at some point in life and one I wanted to put out there. What would you say to your past self if you had the chance to save yourself regrets later? 

Dear Krista,

Throughout life, we’ll often be convinced that there are ways to do things that are best for everyone; ignoring them and going with your gut will be the thing that saves you.

I’m not writing to tell you my regrets or to change anything. No matter how tempting it is to think about going back to fix things, keep this in mind. I like who I am now. I’ve become a creative powerhouse and the friends I have are ones I never have to worry will hurt me. I overcame being sick and misdiagnosed and realized that changing anything could take away from what formed me. There was never any time wasted; not on being sick, or toxic people, or being unable to pursue things and just daydreaming of better things. 

One important thing I can give you is this and deep down you always knew; you can’t go back and change what you regret, but if you learn to love yourself, then all of it was just a journey to who you are. Don’t worry about not liking things about who you become and start preparing yourself for amazing others and even yourself.

Just don’t forget to listen to yourself. 

Love,

Future Krista

P.S. I’m still thinking about the line of dolls you came up with. That’s a good one…

Random Life Updates!

 I actually had a few things on my mind so I couldn’t make a less vague header if I tried but the random doesn’t have a tie-in theme at all…

First up, been crushing Baldur’s Gate 3 since the PS5 early release on September 2nd and it’s been quite some time since I’ve been excited to play a game like this. I didn’t really know what to expect but it has all of the elements of some of my favorite games to grind; the story-shattering consequences of choices you make like Witcher 3, the alchemy and book hoarding of Skyrim (different but reminiscent), the fluent fantasy feel of Dragon Age (the romances, whimsy and sometimes deep darkness; there’s a lot of dabbling BG3 does to remind me of DA throughout) and the turn-based strategy of the pixel graphics days but without the grid based movement, it makes battles feel much more fluid. My main gripes in the battle system are that there are some awkward pauses that feel like it might be frozen, some difficult choosing the topography when moving a character under or on top of an area (I feel there should be a dedicated button or if there is and I’m dumb, it should have appeared in the tutorial tips that I turned on for that reason), and it’s a little too easy to fire at nothing and waste an action when you thought you were in Move mode. There should be a sort of smart mode where it disables actions when targeting a space where it’s pointless to use it. Of course, you should always be able to toggle an action and shoot at nothing if you really want to, but let’s have interfaces that by default do not assume this. Brings to mind Assassin’s Creed where you’re trying to climb buildings and you’re pretty certain you’re angling towards the next jump and grab point when your assassin instead pulls a ‘goodbye cruel world’ jump to his death. In a game like BG3, even on explorer difficulty, a wasted action can be life and death when you’re up again a boss that can waste 2 out of 4 characters in a single turn. Which also is usually a quick end because you’ll waste actions reviving but not full healing them and not actually getting to hit the boss much while scrambling to keep reviving them. But there are some mechanics that, while frustrating, also keep things interesting. If you don’t revive a downed character, they become actual dead. You’ll need to revive them with a res(surection) spell, Revivify scroll or hopefully you got Withers in the ruins near where you begin after the alien ship crashes (you’ll need to get past the sarcophagus and trigger a fight; he’s in the sarcophagus in the room that triggers an undead battle when you find it). I love that you can massively destroy chances to recruit some characters or have to to get other characters to join. It makes characters feel dimensional because, let’s face it, we all have friends we can’t get to like each other and some that just seem to hate each other but can’t help but admire each other once clashing shows they have more in common than they thought. Gale’s a troublemaker and I’ve been keeping him confined to camp after he murdered my whole party with his stinky aura but at the same time, I want to get back to him on another play through. Incidentally while trying to play the good guy, I murdered most of the Emerald Grove people and while I quit that file in a huff of disappointment, I now want to go back to it and use the opportunity to recruit Minthara, since I’ve made my good girl unintentionally evil when I managed to accidentally steal in front of Kagha’s posse and trigger a massacre. This is also where I learned to quick save obsessively before each and every interaction and entry into areas because my impulses prove that good intentions are indeed not always intended and impulses can spell disaster (as well as the crushing realization that your last save was too far back for your liking).

But I didn’t intend this to be a BG3 review or I’d have said as much so I’ll leave it at that and move along.

I keep injuring my damn thumbs trying to craft and get my life together after surgery but I have thumb braces to put on for the worst of it. I stopped taking a multivitamin for women because I don’t need as much iron now that I’m not bleeding. However, I’ve been wiped out since, energy just gone, so I ordered a senior multivitamin with high B12 so I can get energy and immune and brain levels back up again. You never realize how well things were working until you stop.

Which kind of puts exercising on the back burner because my attempts at cleaning house have tired me way faster than usual so it’s pretty obvious I’m not going to do well with anything else. I woke up exhausted today and after attempting to clean and getting further wiped out, I downed my nighttime allergy pills and magnesium and hoping I’ll just fall back asleep in the next couple of hours. Sleep has been garbage since I quit the multivitamin too. I need to not do that again.

I’ll eventually get back to writing and doing more but already I’ve been doing much more than the years before, so I’m not keen on going into overdrive just to do EVERYTHING again. I don’t need to do everything; I just need to keep doing what’s doable and hoping that includes things that I had to leave half-finished. I do still like to adopt new things; we can’t adhere to old plans only when they constraint us far from the impulse of inspiration. Always leave room for those.

Craft Updates!

 Don’t worry, all, no TMI content on this one so let out that pent-up breath! This time around I’m just going to put some plans out there for the months ahead. Ideally, I’m looking to nail down all of this in the summer, maybe fall if needed, although some projects are sort of stretchy and are intended to be added to selectively, but I’ll clarify that shortly. This week, I visited my sister in Cincinnati and we saw the new Ninja Turtle movie during the early release showing and got some cool swag, ate at Lake Nina (pronounced like NINE-uh; that famous fish log though, yum!) and did the Penguin Encounter at Newport Aquarium. My first outing since surgery so it was exhausting but fun! I’m relaxing now that I’m back home, but I do have a few things planned to fill quite a bit of time.

On the graphic design side of things, I’ll be finishing up a pop-up card design to publish on Cricut Access and doing some photo editing for a picture my sister wants to get blow up. Craft-wise, I am finishing a house-warming present for my friends Erika and Phil for their new house and I have a few crochet plushie ideas to explore. I also have three small wooden coffin candy boxes that I am going to turn into Halloween style mini dioramas, which may take some time to work out, and a cat café diorama idea using my Obitsu11 dolls and Miniverse DIY parts. I will also be adding a few custom dolls, furniture and decor and walls, doors, signs, etc so this is one I wish to build on meaningfully rather than rush to throw together. Some bits will be built if I can’t find what I want pre-built or in kits. I don’t intend to rush this one.

But those are my priority projects. I do also hope to finish some lingering doll projects that got left behind prior to my health issues and get back to writing and drawing, but many of those were abandoned because they require a stamina and momentum that will take some time to rebuild. Living with that tumor inside of me caused years of damage, mentally and physically, and I will need persistence and patience to rebuild my health. I won’t make the same mistakes of the past where diet/exercise and creativity can’t coexist due to obsession with one or the other. I did build a lot of self-awareness during recovery that I must nurture with vigilance to maintain the balance of both. Working together, I can rebuild those to be a powerhouse again, but it will be challenging and I will experience some frustration and tough decisions. I’ve given the people the impression that my lifestyle is easy and there will be no masking from here on out. Whether or not I am pleasant or not, many people will assume what they want regardless so I find that preparing to be underestimated usually gives me the satisfaction of embracing my own decisions, no approval needed.

But as usual, I will definitely continue on my quest to make women’s health issues more visible and press for them to be taken seriously and treated with urgency and respect. I will explain this as many times as needed that while I will continue calling it ‘women’s health’ because it is a biological branch of medicine, this extends to those that have a uterus that can have these issues and in some cases, even those with estrogen or other biologically feminine-dominating hormonal issues that can relate. Although identity and medical facts are separate issues, they are not exclusive from discussions that can help treat the problems women, trans-women and trans-men may intersect with and share (nor does it mean that problems unique or exclusive to these subgroups is of lesser priority as long as the aim is to increase safe treatment, proper knowledge, and health in all groups included in this under-studied and under-prioritized branch of medicine). We can argue the vocabulary but this is secondary to context and intention; in context of an individual’s case, I do use preferred terms but for the sake of medical clarity, superfluous language unnecessary towards proper treatment can be a hindrance to timely treatment of a suffering patient. I am in a support group that balances the two without issues with hostility for mistakes in preferences and I don’t tolerate trolling accusations of phobia when hostile extremists want to get butthurt over what is generally accepted in spaces where others are free to kindly correct assumptions.

Anyone who knows me knows I am caring and kind but I’m not a pushover for strangers who try to pretend like compassion is a competition. I hate competition so you can have the participation trophy. I just want to fill my life with sharing and inspiration and helping and empowering. Not to lord it over others but because it simply makes me feel good. Selfless and selfish working together is good for accountability. Don’t let anyone tell you they can’t balance well.

I will attempt to keep progress pictures along the way, some I might just hoard and post together in one post or album all at once. I never needed gratification to keep me going along the way. Anything worth doing is its own gratification throughout.