Misplaced Free Time

I have to admit, one of the hardest things I've had to deal with is gobs of unscheduled time. Yeah, I get that this sounds like a wonderful first world problem, but without the structure I'd embraced in my somewhat normal day-to-day life, I've found that I'm dealing with anxiety and boredom in ways that I never have before.

I've said in the past that boredom is the luxury of people with nothing better to do, but it couldn't be more wrong for every situation. For the past two weeks, I've tried to ease into projects like writing or drawing or crafts and I am overcome with this massive sense of boredom and distraction, no matter how interested I think I am when I start doing it. I've even read that this is a normal trauma response to an unnatural upheaval in life.

It's akin to PTSD. The feeling of being trapped by this expansive sense of freedom. There's too much to do and the lingering feeling that none of it is what I'm actually supposed to do. Having no actual idea what the 'supposed to do' is.

So I try everything but the feeling just left me so exhausted that I turned to sleeping a lot. Restless and unfulfilling sleep but sleep that whiled away wasted hours instead.

I might've said that you can't waste time before as well, but with this new 'normal', I can't help but feel that it all feels wasted. It may not be. This may be a valuable lesson in cherishing and adapting to new circumstances.

Slowly, I'm becoming more accustomed. Being able to blog again is one sign. Sitting in front of a computer tends to leave me feeling drained so I was avoiding it. Today, I typed about 1K words towards my book, which is a massive improvement over zero. I sense that there still may be naps, and anxiety, and even boredom to come, but I'm also feeling as if I can adapt as long as I really listen to my body right now.

Not all the crazy cravings to eat out of boredom. Not the restless need to force myself to do something. But to continue sleeping when the strong desire strikes and to lead myself towards my other desires gently. Because nothing will improve by forcing my hand right now. It simply saps my energy very quickly to ignore what my body actually needs right now.

Taking walks. Working on everything in short bursts. Sleep. It doesn't sound like ambitious motivations, but somewhere in the gentle treatment of my own trauma, there lies the strength to appreciate the month ahead, rather than dread it.

I hope you're all taking care of yourselves and dealing with these changes the best way you know how!

Days Going By

I'm not going to bore you with a Corona-diary of Day 1, 2, 283 and so on. The days going by aren't THAT fascinating. I've been doing rather unusual things in small doses. I flocked a nose for a crocheted doll (flocking is a soft powder you apply with glue). And didn't use it since it looks cuter without a nose. Live and learn.

I molded a rough clay head for a creepy souvenir doll that belonged to my mom, making it somewhat less creepy. Made it some yarn hair and braided it.

No, it doesn't get more exciting than this right now.

I did get Animal Crossing New Horizons for the Nintendo Switch, which, okay, is a LITTLE more exciting. It's a fun game, to be sure, but I spend a ridiculous amount of time catching and selling fish for Bells (money).

Sculpt, sand, paint, poke, those are my days. I draw, write, create in very small doses and amidst heavy sighs and pacing.

I'm restless still. I miss working. I miss talking to the people that come into work. I miss having a schedule. Yeah, it's nice to sleep in and edit and have some freedom, but... it's a little too much. There's only self-discipline to be had, which is a lot different from social discipline.

It needs to be done. This coronavirus is no joke. It's affecting healthy people very seriously as well and is really scary for the elderly and compromised among us.

It's well worth it to be uncomfortable, to converge from the normal. I just hope we can all get through this with as little difficulty as possible. There will be a lot of tight spaces and dark places to get through. But we'll also have the opportunity to touch base with ourselves and appreciate our normals more.

Stay safe and... try not to soak up your worries. Keep your mind, hands and heart busy.

It Takes Some Getting Used to

I've gotten used to working every weekday, so I'm not adjusting well to being at home all the time. I thought it might be a great thing, but I can't seem to get my heart into any tasks yet. There are plenty of things to do, but I feel as if I get exhausted very quickly and take more naps.

I've been poking at things. Affixing doll eyelashes or sculpting miniature ears or faces to paint later. Big projects seem too daunting at the moment, although I do try to poke at those too.

Social distancing isn't usually a problem for me, but this came suddenly and wasn't a decision. So I wasn't quite prepared for the boredom and exhaustion of suddenly having the whole day to decide upon.

I really want this to blow over but we may be looking at a couple months of this, at the very least, so I'll eventually adjust to this and be able to deal with my time better. For the time being, it's a bit of a struggle.

I did leave the house to buy cigarettes and pick up the boys' schoolwork. Once again, reinforcing that their teachers adore them. Marcus has been restless and 'bored' like myself, but Dameon leapt right into the social distancing with flying colors. I am apt to go either way. Change is just something I sometimes have difficulty adapting to, but usually I do adapt.

Hoping to get a few things in the mail to occupy me too. I did learn the name of the sculpts I'll be getting in the next few weeks as well. The male is a Soom Idealian Hyperon and the female is an Iplehouse Basic Mari. When you're bored, you tend to do more research, even though the purchasing has come to a stand-still, not knowing when money is coming again.

I did hear that in the next couple of weeks, American adults may be receiving at least $1000 to help with the blow of being forced to stop working, so I do hope that is true. It's truly an abrupt shock to suddenly be out of work.

It takes some getting used to, all of it, but get used to it I will. If anything, the house is getting a lot cleaner and I'm getting more sleep. Just hoping I can eventually focus on my projects with more gusto and get rid of the restless feeling. We'll see. For the sake of our immunocompromised and elderly, this is something that must be done. This could get a lot worse without the proper precautions so I hope everyone is giving this the proper consideration. The problem being there's also panic and apathy in the extremes, as well as Americans being used to a certain level of  'freedom' that they can be rather belligerent about.

Stay safe and find your groove! I'll work on the same!

Dolly Days

So I wrote a bit on the Coronavirus, but I also wanted to post a little update on some of my projects.

UnHeard editing is at a go again. The word count is at about 100K and I'm sweeping through to look for factual and grammatical errors before I continue writing. There is still much original writing and plotting to be done, but I wanted to get my ducks in order before I went ahead with it. There are a few parts nagging me to rearrange and rewrite before proceeding.

Dolls! Dolls, dolls, dolls. I rearranged myself because not one, but two dolls are going to be getting here in the next month. The Hyperon sculpt that will become Maxim from UnHeard, for one, but I also found the perfect sculpt (which I sadly don't know the name for) for his stubborn counterpart, Princess Endramena ir Hyaren. Although I had been debating getting the Iplehouse Aria sculpt for her, I stumbled on her in a wider search and she more resembled my drawings. Although I do think Aria needs to be in my collection someday, I haven't yet found a project for her, so that will wait. It's most important for me to work on the projects that align with the materials I already have. My craft bins are quite full to near overflowing, so I'm working on making rooms and completion rather than collection of more materials!

My dolls do all have faceups now. The Hyperon sculpt will come with one, but I ordered Mena's sculpt without one, really wanting to do a resin face-up for a change and the different challenges that come with it. I'll get to break out my airbrush and sealant I bought for that purpose as well as play with gouache and acrylics for her eyes and lips. I've done most of my previous faceups with watercolor pencils and chalk pastels (which will still be used for blushing and lashes), so paints are both bane and curiosity.

Now, I don't expect mine to look exactly like the wonderful pictures, but I'll share Maxim and Mena's sculpts here:

Maxim

Endramena

So Maxim will actually have dark hair and lighter eyes and I've gotten the tan skin option for both of them, since they come from an island nation (doesn't make much sense to be pale there). His look will feature a lot of black and gold, leather and embroidery and armor. The sculpt here is a bit softer a look than I'm going for. Maxim is a bit of a hardened character.

As for Mena/Endramena, her very turquoise eyes will be the change since the tan skin option is shown here. I may do her lips in more of a red color, but I do like the coral/peach look here too. Again, she'll have dark hair like Maxim and she's getting an impressively long black wig that will be a blast to style. I see a lot of turquoise and golds for her, though I'm trying to steer clear of the whole Princess Jasmine look... It's probably still going to resemble her anyway.

So, I have plans, but things might turn out vastly different, depending on where my whims take me.

Although Rienna is mostly finished, I removed the teardrop from her belt and replaced it with a shell button that looks more like the source material. I put her wild hair back to try to train the curls not to take over her face. Eventually I'll style the wig or make a new one, but I'm moving on.

Talia, my fire dancer, also mostly done, still needs scarves and a headdress, but I've since bought some large beads and jump-rings that I need to complete those. Ordered by mail so when they get here is integral to when they'll be finished. I have specific plans for how those will be finished.

So, without further ado, I'm hopping back over to editing. Again, be safe with all the crazy going on out there, and I hope you're inspired to do some projects of your own!

Coronavirus Don't Give a Shit!

I'm not going to make this a strictly informative post, but I'll start you with a legit link, amongst all the memes and faux news you might be used to seeing.

Coronavirus: CDC Update

Just FYI, make sure you are getting your info from legit outlets, namely the CDC, and not automatically attaching faith in the media here. Scares attract viewers so get the facts.

What's true enough is that Ohio is seeing some mass closures. My nephews and all Ohio kids are going to be out of school for at LEAST the next three weeks while attempts are being made to isolate the virus until test and, eventually, vaccines can be distributed to the population.

And no, this isn't some hoax to take our feeble little minds off of politics or any other pressing issue. Not sure about you, but I'm a multi-tasker and a diverse thinker so issues like climate change and politics are still quite alive and able to be tracked. The media is not only NOT the only source of information but also often the weakest.

What is a bummer for myself is that I love my little job at Sport Page restaurant in downtown Cincinnati and the owners are now torn about whether we too should close or not. This isn't because of any mass hysteria; simply because business is wavering. Dine-in customers are becoming scarcer even though carry-out has increased. However, this is distressing to the waitresses, who rely on those tips, so whether they should show up or not for pennies is a real issue. It's a small restaurant but people are still becoming overly cautious about the volume of crowds, who is sneezing or coughing, and how close people are to each other.

And, yes, it's sadly a racial issue, one that does kind of piss me off since Asian customers have been telling us that they've been receiving 'looks' or that any human reaction of coughing or sneezing sometimes prompts more than a look but a lecture about being contagious. Fuck anyone who is making people feel uncomfortable for their race in ANY incident like this. Joke about it all you want, but understand that it's about as funny to people that hear it all the time as a headache. As a waitress asking people what they'd like to eat, replying with 'food' ranks on our list of 'no shit/not funny.'

So, yeah, it's very likely I'll be out of a job I enjoy for some time. And yes, I can use this time to be broke and do projects needing done, but it's not ideal. My job has been paying for those little projects and there are still many things I'd like to fund. While ComicCon is very likely to be cancelled, I'm not going to be purchasing a table or planning for it to be this year, which is also a letdown.

Nevertheless, I understand the caution. I don't understand the nuclear-fallout-levels of buying out grocery stores (people don't quite understand that full quarantine isn't necessary unless you're one of the 40 people in the entire state so far that actually have COVID-19, but who listens?), but I do want people to understand why we're LIMITING public gatherings.

It's not the severity of this virus that really isn't likely to affect or kill most of us. It's the sheer fact that, even if you want to compare it to the flu by symptoms, it doesn't not have a vaccine to lessen the symptoms, there are two prevalent strains and people with weaker immune systems can easily succumb to it. It spreads quickly in congested crowds.

As someone who knows and cares about immune-compromised people, I can understand that we don't want to lose anyone, no matter how few, if there's a way to prevent. I will take the discomfort and upheaval of my life to save another's. But that's me. No, I can't be endlessly compassionate, but I can certainly understand those that don't want to lose someone if we can take preventative measures to lessen the blow.

We'll get through this. There will be dipshits out there eager to infect people and will possibly extend closings and such because of it. Seniors in high school will have to lose privileges like class trips and prom (but, sorry, I don't give a shit about that--never did those myself and no FOMO here). It's simply my hope that the government will be able to feed and compensate people who really need it. I've seen that the electric company is extending pay dates and there are plans in place to keep people from losing their basic needs while they suffer from lack of pay. We have to give up some luxuries for this, many that we think we've worked for and deserve, but things will pan out.

If you're an Ohio voter, don't forget to vote this coming March 17. My polling place is usually pretty empty when I go, but I plan to uphold my civic duty.

Clearly, I'm not distracted from life just because some adjustments need to be made. Be safe and healthy!

Ah! Hoarders!

Because obsession is a real thing with me, I've always been mindful of the results of my impulses. Like most crafters, it's often necessary for me to buy more than I need. Not because there's a deal I can't pass up, but because I can't often find just one or two of things like key rings or grommets, etc. Things come in packs of 50 or 100, if only because it's too cost heavy to manufacture or package in smaller quantities.

Luckily and unluckily, my adoration and fears for the show Hoarders is both reassuring and worrisome. However, I don't like unsanitary conditions. I CAN walk through my living space. I AM fond of giving things away to reduce clutter and let someone else enjoy it more. My stuff isn't floor to ceiling and it's not absolute trash like old paper and receipts and so on. 

However, I do live in clutter. I collect more than I have space for and I'm constantly in a state of trying to reduce what I can without giving away something I'll need to buy again. Crafting is simply a cluttering hobby and profession. Regardless, I am mindful of just how much, how easily it can be cloying rather than inspire creativity.

I don't mean that I have too many projects. I do get around to them fairly quickly and the projects that hang longer than a year tend to be digital clutter rather than physical. Books, stories, drawings--those are the things I tend to let hang rather than crafts. The reason being that I do leave the craft bits sitting out accessibly and they could get out of hand if I'm simply shoving a pile of it around or *gasp* digging through it.

I have this aversion to stacking anything too deep. I pile large things together in shallow spaces like storage boxes and smaller things go in clear trays. I like even what is not being immediately used to still be easily accessible. Organizing is what I consider an acceptable obsession to give blessing to the scatterbrained force of creative obsessions.

So while I may not have the best place for excess to go, I make efforts to turn those into immediate projects to give away and reduce space. If I bought a color of yarn just because it was pretty, then I enjoy making something out of it... To then give away. I have a large amount of 'keep' items already and even those I debate giving away. I go through my room often, seasonally at least, and decide whether something is really important to me to have. Or whether I just snap a picture of it and let it go.

Digital clutter, record of my creations, are far more satisfying than being lost amidst the physical. So while I accept that it would be possible to become a serious hoarder, I am at least satisfied that I am mindful and kept busy by a stronger tendency to let go and spread the joy. Everything I make has a home, even if it isn't MY home it remains in. That's part of the joy of being an artist, an author, a crafter. Hoarding my talents does me no good so I don't. I give things proper value, to sell or gift, and am content to let them go.

Which is how I intend to spend part of this weekend. I bought this beautiful blue yarn that needs a project and a home. Time to enjoy the planning of that!

Stuff!

Okay. Not my best blog header but I've been busy! I've finished four crochet projects: two baby Yoda's, a Sans from Undertale and an Xbox controller. I did write out the pattern for the Xbox controller that I'll eventually type out and share. I also eventually want to take pictures and share those but... Also not today.

Yesterday was exhausting but fun as I went to the 19th Annual Queen City Classic Chess Tournament to cheer on my nephews. Dameon won one round and a stalemate, while Marcus won one round, each out of five rounds played. Although Marcus wasn't properly registered somehow so he couldn't play the first round. Kinda hoping they throw his team a point for screwing them over that way at least.

In any case, my fire dancer doll has a finished body suit and I'm working on some detailing here and there. Might take a while to get all the pieces I ordered to finish her completely, but I'm patient.

I've ordered a 1\3 Hyperon 72cm male doll to be coming in the next few weeks. Yes, it's a recast and, as an artist, I'll fight anyone who says recasts are piracy. I only order recasts that are no longer being made by the original company and aren't made by individual sculptors to boot. I'm not a fan of buying secondhand or supporting the ridiculously high prices elitists want to pay for them. Recasts don't devalue your dolls either, another insanely stupid argument. There will always be elitists who will keep the weird niches alive. It's just as stupid for me to get bent out of shape because people download my ebooks illegally. People like that were never going to pay for books anyway. I won't waste my breath worrying about how much I could have made if the world were always fair. It's not. And I still have integrity for what I will buy as a doll collector. Either way, I'm not all about making rich corporations richer.

Heh, you already know if you know me that moral arguments make me roll my eyes. I may be kind, loyal, and generous but I'm morally grey and it's really stupidly pointless to virtue signal with me. Honestly, virtue signallers make me highly suspicious that they're actually pretty black on the spectrum.

Anyways, pics to come, whenever. Once I'm rested I'll be thinking about what comes next!