You're Not Alone

I try to keep most of my posts as much as possible focused on the positive-- how to push past blocks, overcoming battles with poor health, my own twisted sense of humor and the wonderful power of swearing. It's really important to project that positive persona, but the reality is there are some rather gaping chinks in the armor underneath it all. I'm human, I'm flawed, and I have doubts.  If I have given anyone reason to doubt that, I apologize for the deception.

It would be easy to get a big head about what I do. There are plenty of people who fill me with elation when they extol my virtues. I am plenty proud that I choose to use my talents and build my skills rather than squander it. Trends can be brutal towards how you feel about your own talents, nonetheless. There is a call for intricate realism and while I thoroughly enjoy that talent, I don't feel the call to achieve that in my work. I'm still the sort who is charmed by the beauty of simpler styles. I am always trying to improve, but I read something a while back that really resonated with the choice I made. The masters of painting were all trained in realism, but what separated them from the others was exploring 'style', not what they trained themselves to duplicate from reality but what they found in the freedom of impression. I often see things in reality that I want to incorporate into my fantasy style, but to say that I ever feel inferior because I 'can't' duplicate artists who are 'better' wouldn't be correct either. I thoroughly enjoy what I do, but there is a self-criticism that always nags at me that I can do better.  Not that I can do better than you or them or Van Gogh, but that I can surpass myself.

When I say you're not alone, it's because I do get caught in comparison traps where I mistakenly say 'I wish I could do that'. It's stupid, but it's not. When you strive for something, at best it can push you to work harder. At its worst, you end up sulking in inaction, telling yourself to quit. Don't do that one. And that goes for me too.

Look at what you can do in the present. What specifically are you seeing that you want for yourself? You look at the big picture and overwhelm yourself by saying you want all of it, but you don't give yourself a place to begin. Ask yourself what about a piece is something you covet for your own skills. Are you drawn to the fluid lines of the line drawing? Are you drawn to the clever prose in a book? When you're making those assessments make sure those thoughts end positive.  It can turn into a self-bashing session where you say 'I'm drawn to the fluidity of the lines because mine are so wobbly and awful' or 'I like the clever prose because my prose looks like a first-grade primer in comparison.' Eek, no.  Don't. Just don't. There's one trend in modern culture that needs to die right now and it's shooting down one party to lift up another. Admire something, but don't fall into the trap of downing yourself to do it. I'll listen to a feminist talk about female empowerment, but I'm gone the minute she blames men for all of her problems.  There's nothing productive about blotting out any progression with negativity.

My friend Joe and I were discussing something worth repeating too. I do beat myself up on my skill level a lot more than I should. I give you advice but can't take it, right? Hypocrite. However, despite the harsh criticism, I also don't stop. Anyways, I do a bit of creative self-abuse to where I can get terrified that I WILL stop. Joe always has good examples and this time he offered up this advice: Axl Rose has often said that he refuses to listen to Appetite for Destruction because he picks it apart every time he hears it. My first instinct wasn't to be relieved. Celebrities are constantly expressing doubts to make us all remember they're human. I get that little shoulder devil reminding me, well, how can I compare to someone that has 'made it'. Ouch, Krista, you're taking the wrong thing out of that message and you know it. Then I gathered the mess I made of that and remembered this-- creatives are the most self-critical people on the planet. We're not whipping out successful pieces with the confidence that maybe people think we should be feeling. In fact, I have to wonder how good something can actually be when the creator has not admitted to any doubt along the way. Discomfort in the work shows that the author has confronted the honesty that makes for some riveting work. Sorry, but this doesn't go for 'crying with your character'. Dog shows move me to tears when I'm on my period, but I can assure you that no amount of skill is going to make that a riveting piece of writing.

And oy, the young ones are full of confidence... Not that I'm not young, but I can't say I envy that. I look back on what I've kept from my earlier journeys and I cringe at a good deal of it. Unfailing confidence was harmful to the quality but it did keep me going too. I had to go through a grueling creative phase to actually begin to complete anything worthwhile. Even so, the doubt is still real. Maybe more so.  No amount of 'mastery' has removed doubt.  I've made some cringy mistakes. You might want to buy my first book with all of its glorious errors because when I release it as a trilogy, I plan to bury the evidence as soon as possible. I somehow lost my final edit or saved over it in the name of organization, either way I know what became the final publication was not my final edit and I intend to fix it for later editions. However, you do get to see my charmingly clumsy beginning from over a decade ago.

Look, nothing is perfect is all I'm saying. If I'm annoying you by being positive or preachy, remember that. I need to focus on the positive to press on.  I don't have these ridiculous stores of confidence, but I'll fake it to all hell and back. I don't have the ability to lie and tell everyone they'll love my work.  I have no fucking clue what you'll like, virtual stranger, but I can at least guarantee that my approach is unique and the story is deep and involving. My first series is its own entity, by the way. I take a very different approach to my newest series and the same will be said of others. I don't always explore sexuality, I don't always write adult, I don't even plan to stick to one genre. Maybe plans will change with a fanbase but as a newbie, I just have a lot of ideas. 

You're not alone in your doubts. You're not alone if you're not overflowing with confidence. You're not alone if you don't give a shit and continue to do your thing anyway. Okay, I give a shit, clearly I do, but I won't let it paralyze me. You shouldn't either. We all have at least one good story in us. I'm aiming for a dozen or two anyway.  Because why not? Maybe on my own paths riddled with doubt, I'll inspire someone who might have given up. Maybe that person will grow to inspire me as well when I need it most. In light of that, how can you let comparison paralyze you? The mirror isn't showing you a different you on the days you don't like yourself-- it's your attitude that decides whether there is something to like. Learn to look at your journey honestly and enjoy it for what it is.