On Small Talk

I'm not socially awkward, I'm just spiritually British.

I came to this odd conclusion after watching a show on Netflix called Very British Problems. Because I've exhausted the library of American releases, Netflix has taken to recommending a lot of shows that I'd actually have to read subtitles to follow so when I stumble on something British or Australian, this tends to be my choice when it comes to watching shows I don't have to pay attention to.

Some of the show deals with Very British things-- traditions, turns of speech and so on, but when it comes to socializing, I felt captivated by how very British my mind set is. I am a very polite person, for one, although I find introductions and goodbyes and tolerating most house guests just as painful as the generalized people they talk about. The show doesn't just talk to old white British men, but a colorful cast of women, POC, and people with disabilities to get their insight on these 'very British problems.' It's mostly very tongue-in-cheek and ''you, too?" but I could really relate to the preference for solitude.

It's not about being antisocial. I can admit that some of my most valuable conversations happen with people I rarely see or have just met. However, I am completely robotic when it comes to small talk. If you ask what my favorite anything is, don't set it in stone because it's likely to change because I didn't have a definite answer in the first place. I often default to 'purple' as my favorite color but when it comes to interior design, soft creams and burgundies are my draw. Orange is usually my least favorite color, for some reason I will never really understand, but I absolutely adore orange sherbet. It might seem tedious but this is how I answer questions when I want to give you a better sense of who I am because the usual lists of favorites and weather do absolutely nothing to distinguish my tastes or learned experiences.

It's just not antisocial to prefer my own company. The work that I contribute to humanity just happens to be writing, drawing, creativity that demands solitary work. It's not a complete echo chamber. My rare social experiences play an immense part in moods, observations and what I write about and when I need inspiration, I walk around and sponge new information. I don't find any experience to be trivial. The bulk of motivation to go out comes from the simple act of walking my nephews to school in the morning. This is a time where half of the trip, I am left to my own thoughts and the rest of the time, I am learning what my nephews are interested in. After school, I run into a girl (now technically a woman) that I met when we were eleven years old and she trips up memories of our old inside jokes, my creative partner in crime, who did tons of comics with me over the top of blue lined notebooks. She is the married mother of two girls and also manages to find time to draw and write still.

This isn't a memoir so let's hop back over for a moment. The point being, when people say they don't like small talk, it doesn't mean they don't engage in it. It would be weird if we always walked up to strangers immediately launching into the closets of who we are. However, I have a very small window for how many obvious statements and questions are tolerable before I mumble my excuses and wander off. 

This window is much smaller for internet conversation. I might have mentioned that it annoys me when I get a notification for chat and all it is is "hi, how are you?" Chats are only one step above an email in terms of needing substance but the notifications are instant, often goading us into checking them when we hear it.  Long time friends don't put up greetings at all, part of the reason these messages are ones we all tend to favor. However, in terms of people I don't know, by all means, be a little formal. Don't just send someone a 'hi, how are you?' if you really want a response. I'll give an example of what I mean by a good intro message.

"Hi, Krista! We haven't talked before but I've seen some of your work and I have a few questions about it, if you don't mind. I am also a (writer, artist, etc.) and like to connect with like minds."

Okay, please don't copy/paste this into a message because I know a smart ass when I see one. Again, my friends have earned this right in my social hierarchy.

Look, I know the statement is a perfect-world scenario, but keep this is mind. You're greeting me, expressing a clear interest in something specific and offering a piece of yourself in the process. This immediately helps me weed out the people that are just looking to date or liked my profile picture, which in turn means I'll get back to this person a lot quicker. I am also not so anxious to talk about myself that I will ramble on with strangers. I have to admit I'm even suspicious if I ask someone a question and they give a vague answer followed by another question for me. Believe it or not, I am extremely curious about people and if someone is unwilling to talk about themselves too, I'll retreat into guarded answers or disappear.

All people ever have these unwritten guidelines for social interactions. There are levels where discomfort in conversation is valuable and levels where it's creepy. Sometimes when we know these levels, we antagonize people for it, but who wants to be the doormat that sticks it out for someone else's bullshit?

Again and of course, I don't expect people to have constantly valuable and insightful things to say. Sometimes in the midst of an incredibly interesting conversation there is a silence and small talk might trickle back in. I'm not the sort to carry a conversation when I have nothing to add to it, but if I've decided we can have compatible conversation, I'll still try. I'm not the sort to listen to long winded conversations when I'm given no room to add my input. I am also the sort to go quiet and observe, sometimes just laughing at something I find funny. I myself am not this sparkling creature of infinite entertainment. 

Engaging someone in conversation is not capturing Pokémon though. Some people just don't want to stay hostage in conversation, no matter how interesting, when a muse or a problem is picking at their brain. When people don't want to talk to me, I don't take personal offense. I am always aware of things like distraction, purpose and priority. In fact, an insistence to be available is often a good way to end up being purposely avoided. It may be because of the speed of technology but people are losing patience with the art of talking to people in favor of instant gratification. Some of us don't carry around phones. I, for one, don't intend to be that available. I'm not a doctor or a prostitute. In fact, I often forget I put everything on silent just so I could write or illustrate without distraction. I do have a phone, but it's something I carry when I'm out if I need to bail out of social situations. I also don't play on it at all, avoiding the people I'm actually with.

I have to say, I love that the show gave me so many things to think about. Namely, we as people are never 'the only one.' Whenever a question starts with 'am I the only one?' it's clearly figurative unless it's oddly specific: Am I the only one that had a life sized hippo custom made out of rubber with big shiny red lips and ride it in a bathtub full of grape jam? I am not the only one who cringes at small talk, but I can admit it's a window, not a brick wall. I also learned I'd probably get along fairly well living or just visiting in the UK. By no means do I think the generalities apply to everyone, but I can appreciate an awkward social norm. I am already aware that anyone shines in the right conditions.

So that's about it. Small talk. It's not everyone's favorite. Also, let's bring back netiquette!

Blog post done, but I have a few personal updates on the work that condemns me as antisocial.

I've gotten back into writing a bit more, but the drawing is still difficult. As I've said before, I'm still hoping to put Book 3 of my first series out by spring.

UnSung, the spiritual sequel to UnNamed, is currently at about 40K. It is a Frankenstein's monster as we speak. I have been carefully reordering and plotting Part I of III and adding some scenes in that I neglected to add in the first place. This one will be different in that I am not restricting the word count. It may easily reach 120K, but I'll let it wander well past that point. Keep in mind that my first pass is pretty bare bones. I do tend to rush through scenes to get the structure sorted and I don't write in a neat order. Not for this one. This is why it could end up being a bigger monster.

Side note: this is why all of my original novels were under 100K. I misunderstood advice about confining word counts to attract agents and publishers. However, since I am enjoying the freedom of self-publishing, I'm not terribly concerned about that anymore.

I miss my marathon days, I really do, but considering I've done about 1K a day consistently (and 3K just last night), I'm at least glad for that. Some people struggle for a hundred words or 15 minutes. Yes, I want this to be full time rather than some hobbyist write-off, but I also need to be realistic about the consequences of those marathons. I have the brightness down to the minimum on my computer but I still end up with sore, blurry, dry eyes if I'm staring at a screen too much. Sometimes my daily writing does end up scribbled in notebooks to give my eyes a break. And dictation programs? Fantasy books have their own vocabularies so no thanks. Even if it could handle the unique names and terms, I'd lose my voice after a couple hours, if that. My voice takes a dive after an hour of karaoke, but singing is also more demanding.

Anyways, it's a coffee day for me. I spent the first half hour of my day stuck on thinking about donuts and this blog post is the next experiment in waking my brain. It did not produce the desired results, so coffee will be implemented.

Keep writing or doing or socializing. May your days find purpose!