The Unread Writer

Maybe two people read my work that I know of for sure. When I give it away free, I might get six new downloads but no reviews. It's the sort of response that probably doesn't encourage new writers to go for it, but I don't think it's pathetic to admit it.

When you choose to go against the grain, the chance of even amazing work being noticed is really slim. The chances of your friends and family gushing about it is even less. I'm not going to tell you that I'm bitter or defeated because doing it was never dependent on how or when it is received. I'm not immune to it, but it doesn't have enough pull to keep me down either.

I don't have a newsletter, mainly because I know author newsletters usually end up sent straight to spam. I read for other people but never ask them to read my work. I mostly just lose track of time in the excitement of creative pursuits, rarely talking about it but always thinking about it. I don't put any money into it, just time. I don't want to outsource when it's important for me to depend on myself to learn what I know I'm capable of. I add writers to my social media but sometimes I hide them for a while. When I feel the bite of envy, I don't dare shit on their happiness so I walk away and work on myself. I don't get ads or push them aggressively or compare them to Twilight or Lord of the Rings or try to convince people they're the next big thing.

You won't really get a good sense of my voice from my blog that will lead you to know my work in fiction. Unlike most authors, my first books are often not full of my best ideas since I love the slow build, the Easter eggs, the inner dialogue... I'm a lot more focused as a novelist too, where my blogs are often just dumping grounds for thought before I tackle my discipline. I do want people to read my work but I'm not up to lying if they ask if they'll like it. I might say 'maybe' or 'I don't know' because I have no clue who my audience is. I've seen my books pirated and listed as erotic romance as I feared they would. It's a risk anytime a woman writes a sex scene, even non-consensual. There's still the stigma that men can't possibly care to read any intimate thoughts that women might have. Eh, maybe they don't-- it's still juvenile to suggest that they need a trigger warning in the form of mis-categorizing an author into a genre they don't stand a chance in because it's a women's category they won't accidentally read.

I read a lot of articles on the craft of writing and it doesn't really shed any light on what I do. Really, only the 'fantasy' part is central to my work. I intertwine mystery, horror, suspense, humor, eroticism, etc. on a whim and just slap Adult on it to be safe. All the while, I focus on how I can drive people to look at the plot. Or look at it all. As pathetic as it sounds, I've prepared myself to be invisible for the next ten years or more. Because that is still optimistic in a field where most people never make it. Then again, most people give up.

Will passion someday not be enough? It's possible. However, if you read my blog, you know that I annihilated everything that meant anything to me for years. I quit writing, I quit drawing, I quit listening to music... I didn't get it back on a whim. There was school, then I took up crochet again. I started drawing ideas that I wanted to crochet and writing back stories for dolls I wanted to make. It wasn't a decision to do what I loved or to make anything of it-- it was organic and a sign that it was important to me on a deeper level than how I could monetize it. Yet I learned a lesson about placing value on your work. No one will value it if you don't give it a value. (And this still stands if they aren't buying it either!)

It's possible that I'm even afraid of focusing on that aspect and losing the magic once more.  I refuse to work for passion alone. People who give away their work are often smug about it, but they have a stable job that pays the bills or are being provided for by someone who does. It never comes off as passionate or charitable, especially to other creatives, who struggle to convince people that their art does have value and people can't expect it to be free. I've been through these points before, but there's a balance that is important to find here-- somewhere between market value and passion, I truly just want to stay in a place where the desire to create never fades. Yes, money is one of the carrots on the end of the stick. Validation is wonderful too. As long as the ideas keep coming, I want to respect them and feed them and never pretend that any of it isn't important.

The 50K part of NaNo doesn't matter to me. I've done 80-100K in a month, more if you factor in blogs, shorts and jotting down ideas. I want to see the enthusiasm of people chasing their ideas, the trepidation, the sense of purpose. Chasing numbers can cause detrimental anxiety. Been there done that with numbers on the scale. I'm physically in better shape than most people my age, aside from the chronic pain and digestive issues. I'm at peace with being overweight because I know it's the way my body maintains itself. I treat my mental needs the same way. If I need to write, I write. If I need to draw, I draw. What needs to be done will get done when I am ready. 

And probably in a way that few are doing it. One of the reasons I give advice is because it is important that writers have options. When we cycle through all of what is supposed to lead to success and nothing takes, we need to know that the good and bad is that nothing has changed and, damn it, just keep going!

I know that for some, there's a window on the dream. In fact, I fear it too. Life has a way of changing where you are and sometimes other priorities shut you down. Even so, you can't act on urgency or you create unnecessary stress and your work suffers for it. Try to make your time focus on quality. You don't have to be a fast writer. I know how badly we all want to get the work done, how all of the stages can only create more wistfulness to see it to completion. Even so, stop looking at other people's word counts. The high ones often denote a good day and they might disappear into a funk and not be able to or have time to write at all. You might only be able to pump out a thousand words a day, but you're in pace with the person who pounds out 8K one day then doesn't write for a week. Your consistent pace probably also saves you time because you probably don't need to reread from being away too long. You probably also researched more or considered ideas or spent more time with family or went on walks. You might be exactly where you are most effective, so don't kill that with comparisons.

As for being an 'unread writer', I hope I can look back on it and laugh shakily someday. That someday the passion and work will earn a matching response. However, in order to stand a chance of enjoying it, the work must continue. I need to test my ideas and improve myself. That never ends for a creative. There will never be a point where I feel there is nothing left to do or learn. Any attempt at 'relaxing' away from it was hell.

I'm at peace with my path. I'll continue to forge ahead.