It Could Be Worse

Sometimes I do delve into the lower sides of emotions and states of mind like bitterness, distrust, and so on, but at the same time, I feel like I should make this clear: in most areas of my life, I am actually pretty content now.

Healthier than I've been in a decade. Amazing friends and supportive family. Published author and diligent artist. Finding work when I need it and able to be resourceful enough to acquire what I need (without selling my body or soul).

All in all, what bothers me at any given time is little more than a past that tends to rise like bile and sometimes people tend to pick at some annoying scabs (as only people who have known you for years can do well).

As a writer, I channel those things to my advantage. When the wounds were fresh, I wrote about those things privately and ended up burning or shredding them. That writing was never about crafting a coherent masterpiece. It was what it took to turn internal screams into therapeutic dialogue. I would not be able to write about them with any success if they were fresh. I don't find raw wounds to be more honest. I find them to be messy and sometimes just childish rambling. In my favorite books, it wasn't the rawness of fresh wounds that made me admire the work; it was always the careful presence of the years they took to understand it after. In truth, even though our bodies and minds are eager to forget raw pain, we can actually conjure up those raw wounds more potently when we look, not just at the actions, but the motives, the aftermath and the way it changed us. We are better able to see it like a doctor might see a wound; rather than panicking with the emotion, we train ourselves to really look at the wound and what it takes to heal it.

So when I seem particularly morose or depressed, sometimes it really has little to do with how things are going. Sometimes it's even the aftermath of a rather potent tapping into a deeply painful writing session. In order to write powerful scenes sometimes I have to get uncomfortably deep while staying afloat. Emotions are messy so getting too deep can be detrimental to the writing. Yet the pull is irresistible so it takes immense mental fortitude to keep drawing the boundaries.

Oh, but you WANT to get deep. Blood on the paper and all! I'll have to disagree. Once more, what comes from spiraling into a mental breakdown or letting a character's pain drag me down, that shit is not even that usable or even great when I read it again. It paralyzes me sometimes, which isn't at all useful to my work. What is useful is how I can recall it fully yet know my place as the writer. To get pulled in deep enough to look at it clinically. To see everything that my characters are blind to. Because even if I'm writing for their perspective, my POV is often ultimately omniscient and I need to not just lock myself into one character's drama alone.

The closest I came to being in one of my series was the presence of a being only called She. It was a feminine presence that watched, but had no form, and couldn't interact with the world. In a sense, I was using her to create the sense of what a higher power would be that couldn't affect free will nor had anything to do with the creation of the world. Although unlike She, I was still more omnipotent in duty to the story and didn't favor her in particular. I really just used her to anchor in the theme of the unknown.

The UnQuadrilogy uses some similar themes, but I do use them to tackle once-painful topics. Doubt, faith, religion, belief, imbalance, the unknown sometimes remaining that way, but not outside of logic all the same.

Wherever I am as a person and a writer? It could be worse. I count myself as damn lucky that I am doing what makes me happy. That I'm not hurting those I love and as few other people as possible. That I get to pursue writing while surviving being an unfortunate generation that got slammed by a bad economy. I was also a teenager in the 90s with some of the best music of all time. I also grew up both in the technological boom and still played outside and rode bikes all the time. Everything is not perfect, but I am satisfied with how I handle life.

As a creative, you'll take a lot of hard blows. Yet, from one creative to another, it's really all about letting things roll off your shoulders as much as possible. Don't neg other writers/creatives. Don't be discouraged because your first book doesn't mean instant fame. Don't use your identity as a crutch or an excuse to give up. The best thing you can do for yourself is take the blows and be thankful when you can say it could be worse.

But don't belittle the pain either. You are allowed to see it as important or even necessary. Just don't ever let it hold you back.