I'm Not My Number One Fan...

And, bear with me, you aren't really your best fan either. Maybe in terms of who gets sleepless with excitement as your work unfolds, who actually puts pen to paper (figuratively since most of us type these days)-- sure, you can be the ultimate first adopter. However, I'm exploring a new way to look at it, a sort of level-up for the long haul.

First off, my number one is an honor I want to let my readers believe they enjoy. They aren't necessarily, but very well could be, the actual first to buy and devour my work, eager for more, but it's my hope they both believe they're worthy of the spot and are just as eager to share that spot. I'm not writing solely to drive my ego so, while I'm driving the vehicle, fan input and even personal ranking is not something I feel is imminent domain.

Leading to my second point, I am the driver of my destiny, so I wear enough hats. How many hats is enough and why not wear them all? It's not a certain number, just a feeling. I wear similar hats to that of the fan, but when I can't be the most enthusiastic fan, I have to be able to choose the right hat for the job. Fans, no matter the lengths they'll go to paint their naked bodies in arctic weather, are still meant to be passive observers. Fans, you are candles in the night, both ritual and beacon in so many ways, but when I suit up to be a writer, the role of fan is too passive (as it should be) to affect the actual act of working? You can wear the same stinky socks for a week in the name of luck and less laundry, but it is still my job to move the words. So too will I look to you for inspiration at times when I struggle to find my stories.

Third, it's just not a good idea to share hats. Actual concerns about head lice not being the factor here, there's too much of an elitist thread in posing myself at the top of a hierarchy I made in the first place. I don't need first chair, first place, first comment, to secure my presence. It would be really fucking weird if I didn't have enthusiasm for my work anyway. Needing to lead my own fan pack is not a vote of confidence so much as a desperate plea. Certainly, I would be honored to be asked to give my blessing to make a fan club for my work official, but that opportunity is lost if I take the reins on that aspect of it as well. So in some ways, being stingy and selective with my hat collection as a budding writer is important to building some opportunities of higher value overall. Again, giving room for fans to build from their own experiences affords them an angle wasted on me.

Semantically, of course a writer still has to be their number one fan. Yet there are days I just don't like myself much where I still need to grab a hat and get to work. Some parts of writing aren't about passion. While fans assign themselves different responsibilities as well, from passion to precision, I still remind myself that I can't take on a passive role.

To embrace a cliche, these books won't write themselves. In that case, my writerly hats take precedence over that sentiment. Hey, number two ain't so bad, right? It's still the shiiiiiit...