Opposite Day

Despite the fact that I'm dealing with a persistent depression, I'm going to be a bit dishonest here and labor for a positive mindset. It's to the point where I'm becoming restless and pissed-off because the physical and mental symptoms are really crippling what I want to be doing.

Today is an average day. Zero forms of water are falling from the neither grey nor blue sky. It's a bit on the cold side, but in the absurd likelihood that someone finds value in asking me if I prefer hot or cold, I go with cold. In truth, mild. Always mild. Hot and cold are both uncomfortable and inconvenient. I like rain but mostly the warm summer variety that feels amazing when I'm sweating during a 7 mile walk. Even that can be a bummer all the time since I don't have waterproof headphones and I'm not willing to risk my hearing or brain function to enjoy my usual walking music.

I'm pretty damn detail-oriented but willfully oblivious if my brain doesn't give it priority. (Oh, fuck transitions...) Even though I'm a social enigma, I'm an insightful observer. Even though I'm the most forgetful and easily confused person I know, I've got a quick problem-solving response and I can spot sarcasm, condescension, patronizing, and overall douchebaggery a mile away. I also intentionally appear oblivious and if you're thick, you think I don't get it, and my dry laugh is a warning that if you persist in being impolite, I'll escalate to being a dry-humored bitch rather quickly. I'm also internal to the point that I'll over focus on my social blunders, sometimes mumbling a conversation in replay while I mentally amend it. I'm not trying to be cute when I say I'm a ninja. I blend until I want to be seen but I'm likely to leave a conversation and join another without warning. You won't miss me when I slip away, but I won't annoy you when I join in. 

I'm talented! (More Tourette's, less transitions!) I speak fluent crochet and I can improvise with a pretty high success rate. When I do use patterns, I rarely follow them exactly. I love drawing characters, but backgrounds... Not so much. I've used some pretty absurd props for models to lean against because I'm lazy about those too sometimes. I love fashion design, but I have absolutely no desire to obsess on my own wardrobe. I'm pajama chic and, seriously, fuck all the haters who make assumptions based on that choice. I purposely wear light and stretchy materials because fibro can make clothing feel like a vice on my skin. Because I understand there are needs in clothing beyond the aesthetic, I also appreciate the many other purposes. Writing was always my guilty pleasure, but I'm still not sure it could be my number one vocation. It's tough for anyone, and more so when you're a woman that doesn't adhere to romance or crime thrillers. I love both of those, but there's also that defiant need to be extra, to write what the stories seem to demand. I'm not a purist writer which makes finding a niche unlikely.

Comics though. I damn bad habits for making that so challenging now. I miss those days where I could draw for 18 hours straight, but these days, even with ergonomics, I have to arm wrestle carpal tunnel and crippling finger cramps. I will have to build stamina to entertain being a full-time comic artist, but damn, I have some good fun ideas that dance with romance in some, dark comedy in others. I salivate thinking of getting a Cintiq Pro 24; I once entertained the Mobile Studio Pro but it's not only much more expensive, it also gets hot with prolonged use and I want something I can pull into my lap, keeping my posture and positioning in a place that won't leave me curled up in agony when I'm done. 

In case I've bored you to tears or lost you altogether, this isn't all about me. I hate to be the stereotypical mourning artist, but what I just did there, sometimes you need to do that. You need to physically type or longhand onto paper what you know about yourself. Be insightful as if you're observing a stranger. You don't have to be overly flattering or resist pointing out practical flaws. What you do need to do is address what is fucking you up, what you're forgetting, all with the mental goal of doing what you'd rather be doing. Admitting my flaws where anyone can read them? Not so fun. However, it's important to note that no matter how weak or vulnerable you think people might perceive you, there's strength in doing what you gotta do to wash your hands of it.

Don't wallow in shit. Don't practice anything half heartedly. I went into this angry and restless and walked away determined to eke out what I'd rather be doing.

Sooooo... What was it I'd rather be doing again?