What You Might Need to Hear About Self-Care

Trends aren't necessarily a good or bad thing. Yet when the call fires up for self-empowerment, the steps you take still need careful planning before the courageous charge. Keep some things in mind before you set off.

Don't do it alone.

The 'self' part tends to come with the mistake of isolating yourself or even driving off every temptation or piece of advice that seems like an obstacle. Not every addict benefits from outright rehab either. A support system is just as necessary as the resolve to change. Even when someone seems like an obstacle (that friend that always ask if you want cheesecake when they know you're on a diet), it's likely that you might benefit from a cheat day (some do) and they may be the perfect guilt-free companion when that day comes. Yes, some people may sabotage you intentionally. Cutting out toxic people can be a good thing, but don't be in such a hurry to tighten up your circle that you go full Game of Thrones on your social life and end up with no one to vent to. Instead, work on pulling people in who strengthen your goals, people who boost your confidence enough to see who is actually toxic. Either way, don't shuffle people like cards. Finding a great support system is done slowly and organically and people should still earn your trust and respect, not just share your goals.

Check your ego.

One of the pitfalls of self-care is overconfidence. Rather than humbling yourself to change, you start developing blind spots about how well you're doing and how much you deserve. Yet because you've hastily packed up all your vulnerability, it crumbles out at the first sign of resistance. Self-care is just as much about knowing where you trip up, where you fail, and correcting them, fortifying yourself probably for the event it's just not as rosy as you think. If one ravenous binge or one bad review can topple you so badly that you wallow well beyond it, then you're letting your ego have too much weight in your world. If you don't deserve anything at all, what then do you need to keep doing what you do? 

There's more than one way to be selfish.

I won't tell you what's right or wrong here because your conscience is the guide here. Is it okay to hurt others with your goals? Are you really hurting them or are they just afraid of the possibility that you or them might get hurt? Does the risk make the resulting reward or failure worthwhile? People might accuse you of being selfish or assume they can tell you what is best for you. They may be right, they may be wrong. When someone opposes your goals, it might not be any of their business, but it might be worthwhile to find out what they're afraid of. While it may be selfishness on their part, talking about it could further prepare you for the possibilities to come. I've found over time that the right kind of selfish for me is when I stop being so defensive of my choices and adjust to my failures. While giving up is not an option, the amount of time or energy I devote to an idea may take on some changes. Just like how my writing and drawing sometimes takes a back seat to making money. That goes more than one way. Dreams aren't free and I need equipment to make things go smoother. 

Shame is part of the game.

It doesn't matter how 'enlightened' society is. A certain amount of doubt and difficulty exists that motivates us. While constantly being attacked for weight or choices or non-choices can paralyze anyone, some of us are also motivated by those who are a little too blunt. Now, I'm not saying that the person we're crushing on calling us fat and ugly is motivation to get surgery and change for them. Sometimes you just see one too many strangers eyeing your muffin top and you just as silently make a vow to change. Sometimes people pull faces without meaning to, judging us prematurely and jabbing us a little too painfully. Shame digs old wounds and creates new ones, but attitude is what decides what we do about it. You might not be able to bring yourself to change for anyone or anything, and you don't have to, but we can't stake all of our happiness and hope on wanting everyone to school their shit. However, if the shame you feel is something you want to change, turn it into something that will push you. Like a rubber band on the wrist to punish urges you don't want, train yourself to manage shame.

There will be consequences.

Some of them will set you back while other times you'll be skyrocketed ahead. It probably sounds tedious but checking your progress, and learning when to adjust, will help you put perspective on choices and consequences. The world is also not going to revolve around you nor halt at your feet. People might smother you or abandon you, so there must always be a part of you independent, even detached, from expectation. Reach out when you need to. You might feel too vulnerable to risk bringing someone in (or tell them to fuck off) but not all parts of self-care mean you can listen to yourself. Nothing grows in a vacuum, though you may need to hear your own thoughts before letting someone in.

Fake it 'til you make it.

Despite the devil's advocate memes shitting on this, it's only because it's being deliberately misinterpreted. It doesn't mean to smile while people feed you shit. It means it's okay to take jobs that don't give you absolute joy to save money. It's okay if your hard work doesn't propel you into fame. It certainly doesn't imply that you should wait around for people to realize how awesome you are. It means that, even when you feel demoralized or frustrated, you shouldn't shut people out with your melancholy and woe-is-me, that you're being the person you want to be NOW rather than shining only when everything is well. It opens you to attracting opportunity and energy and people who see what you're about, shedding expectation to show YOUR inner light. You aren't just doing this to please others, but to be true to yourself. I've said before that creating is damn near impossible for me in low moods, so if I can trigger a state of happiness through smiling and laughing and talking, then it doesn't matter how 'real' it is; it only matters that I send out what I want to bring in.

Location matters.

You don't have to go to a gym to motivate yourself to work out. You don't have to type at your writing desk. You don't always get the best rest on your comfy bed. Home isn't always where you pay the bills. I can't stress enough that environments of comfort are not always what is best for us. In fact, when something is off and we can't figure it out, sometimes the answer is a change of scenery. Even if it's just a long walk you haven't taken before or sleeping on your friend's couch, while it may not be your first choice, you might find that inspiration and bliss comes most often from depriving yourself of familiarity and comfort. Sometimes that gym membership or monthly subscription can enforce the pressure of time limits that will stifle ambitions, in the same way that it can be motivation for another. Don't commit to comfortable habits. The things that you desire most can be taken for granted and it may take distance to appreciate them... or you may discover a new preference.

No one can tell you how to do it best.

From the outside, people might gauge what is failure and success differently, but ultimately you must weigh your own feelings and perceptions. Let others weigh in if you feel like you're spinning in circles, but have patience in the discovery of who you want or need to be. Be willing to give up a process that isn't working or take a risk. What you definitely don't want is to pine for something but never do anything about it. There is not much in life that I truly regret that doesn't involve inaction. Some moments pass and become what-ifs forever. You'll need the good, the bad, and the ugly to move towards your goals. Remember that you cannot control how you are received, only how you respond and keep going.

Because I want you to keep going. I want to see who you can be when you believe you can give both to yourself and to the world. I want to see a world where everyone believes in their own self-worth enough to boost each other.