Simple Revival

I wouldn’t say I’ve been lacking sleep, but the desire to sleep like a cat (up for a few hours followed by six to eight hours of sleep) hit me over the past few days and I have to admit I was a little worried that it was a sign of depression rearing its ugly head.

The worst thing about clinical depression is that it is purely chemical. It’s not caused by negative thoughts, although you can certainly feed the beast and make it worse. I did not. Instead, I took the lack of energy at its purest sign and simply let myself sleep. Still, I wonder what it might have been if I were on a regular working schedule, where I would have to get my ass up, grin and bear it.

Despite being out of work being something I don’t enjoy, I’m taking it as a time to listen to myself more. For some people, that’s a terrifying thing, laid bare by their every errant thought and having to deal with it. It’s not exactly cathartic, even to an introvert like me, but I’m slowly learning to adapt to a life that doesn’t challenge me with many outside sources anymore.

I’ve come to terms with it being a sort of creative depression at the moment, and it’s not a new frontier. There have been times in my life where, for years, I haven’t been able to access my creativity with vigor. It’s one thing that always concerned me since I’ve always intended to make it my livelihood.

Yet here’s the bare bones of it. I have so much to show for the bounteous times. I have written books and crocheted many things and completed dolls and collections... in those times where I was obsessed, I’ve given myself a buffer for those barren deserts that rear their ugly heads.

I miss the obsessions, for sure, but these times for reflection, for hanging on a thread, for uncertainty... they do have a place in it all. For now, I’m finding the small victories keep me going and I try not to worry, neither about the present nor the very uncertain future.

I’ve said these things before but I do need to reinforce them, to build my base of inner strength. I truly enjoy taking these somewhat empty times and filling them with games and spending time with my nephews. I don’t know where this pandemic is going, nor the future of this crumbling country, but I’m not obsessing on it, as easy as it would be to do that. People are demanding answers that aren’t so simple to manifest and I am patiently watching the minuscule progress, simply hoping for healing, for myself, for those I love, for the country, for the world. Hoping that fact may one day prevail over feeling.

Yet in the midst of it all, self care is still the most important. It prepares us to be more receptive to the bigger issues and give voice to reason.