Reflection

 My nephew Thomas is coming over so I’ll likely keep this short. (Likely.) However, in this chaos of boxes and anticipation (the house appraisal results come Wednesday), I just felt an odd wave of... gratefulness.

For friends, for family, for the oddball groups I’m in on social media. Dolls. Crochet. Money saved. Projects in waiting. Healthy kitties and their many random cuddles. Daydreams (but not my weird night dreams) and dream goals. Plans, as fickle and unstable as they can be, and prospects.

It could be because I’ve taken a stimulant after days of not taking any (when feeling under the weather, the last thing I want is something keeping me awake). However, the focus without being overwhelmed is always welcomed and carefully used when it does hit.

I do feel better today but since Thomas will be here, I’ll reserve my need to clean and sort for tomorrow. Although it wasn’t above me in the past to invite someone over and restlessly clean in front of them while I talk a mile a minute, most of my nervous energy has become internalized over time. Sometimes it works in my favor, sometimes not at all. So I’ll allow myself another day of relaxing (kind of... I still tend to pace while having conversations).

Really, I want the day to come where I can post ‘yay, we got the house!’ but until we’re holding that key, I just can’t do that. Things can happen and even that moment is the start of another big process. I keep picturing actually being unpacked and settled in as the ultimate finish... but yet another beginning to a chapter I hope will mean flourishing in a new place.

I’ve spent some time adding the new city on FB to see what’s up. I’ve studied the school and the area. Lol their claim to fame is a 1954 sports team that won state champion, a feat because they were a tiny school up against much bigger ones. I’m not really a sports person, but I felt a weird twinge of pride for a city that isn’t really mine... yet. I am eager to explore a new place, learn a new area. It almost feels like planning for a vacation with none of the urgency of fitting everything you want to do within a week or two. It’s the caress of a slow-spreading adventure. 

I want this. I need this. I anticipate it wholeheartedly. Yet still, I feel like I can’t release the leash yet. I’m sadly used to disappointment, of things not happening, of having to pick up the pieces. But for this time, I dare to dream and hope it comes to pass.