I’m Still a Writer

 Although my health was failing for so long, I always held out hope of getting back to many of the things I lost the stamina to do. I used to look at my to-do lists, both long and short term, and feel a wistfulness, wondering when I’d ever get to return to them again. I certainly tried chipping away at things but it seems like I was always just tangling it into knots and making even less sense of it. I started smaller projects and even managed to finish some but it was wearing me down, wanting to dig so much deeper, getting pulled into that zone, quite outside of time and space. Until my body couldn’t handle it, I hadn’t been quite aware of how much the physical had such an impact on appeasing the chaotic bloom of ideas. Blooms that almost always turned into overripe celery sludge when given no air and light.

Since the surgery, I’ve had many women commenting on how my posts have given them courage and even that I am a great writer and I was so startled, I laughed. I was, wasn’t I? But until this surgery, I hadn’t been able to really find that spark. Nevertheless, yeah; I’m pretty good at making ideas interesting. And now writing is one of the painful things pushed aside that I can get back to as well. I started thinking of a novel idea I started doing research for. That’s the one I want to do when I am able. The book-writing muscle is rusty so I think a fresh start might be the way to get the engines going.

I can do that again; make long-terms goals that have a chance of getting done. I mean, I’m still recovering and it will take time to be able to concentrate on it fully, but I think I’d like to keep going with the research so I can launch into it. I am using some real world elements I want to have information for, but a great deal of it will be creative fiction so it won’t need a lot of preparation. Wow, I’m loving this.

I’m going to share with you the journal I made for the first week after surgery. I knew it would be helpful but it was such a bonus to hear someone enjoyed the writing itself. If you’re getting major abdominal surgery, you might also find it helpful! Formatted in Notes on my phone so I apologize for any display issues. 

Post-op Recovery Journal

At the hospital: nurses came in to keep checking on me. Danielle was the primary nurse. Surgery was pushed three hours due to complications on the person before me. IV was in left hand, quick and not painful, done around 9:30. Things were in motion by around 1 PM. Nurse check for confirmation of procedures. She helped me use the restroom before. Anesthesiologist (John) did the usual safety question check. Explained the procedure (more details in a bit). My surgeon/angel came in (Dr. Housely) and explained she wanted to do something a little different. Left incision would be smaller, larger bottom incision as needed. Open if needed.

Joey the head OR nurse wheeled me to OR room 3, introduced me to her helper nurses, Andrea and Krystal, after changing out the IV bag. They had me slide onto the operating table, tailbone over the hole and my back over the nonslip foam pad, lifting my hips to not drag it off. I was firmly strapped and BP was checked, sensors attached for vital sign check. He placed a sort of floating oxygen mask over my face; I would be intubated once under, hence a scratchy throat after. He was talking but I didn’t hear much because I felt some pressure in my head, loud humming in my ears for a few seconds then next thing I know I was waking up to my name being said. Incisions look good, bleeding was pink until I peed, some red and flaky blood when wiping but no pain. I walked on my own fine. Very crampy, lower incision kind of burny, stabby, but moderate. I was shaking like crazy at first, but she attached the heat tube into my fancy gown (Bair system gowns are awesome) and the shaking calmed down. It started in my inner upper thighs and moved into my arms; weird but not painful. Gave me small cookies and crackers and a Percoset, water and a coke. I burped quite a bit, but dry, not reflux burps.

Dad signed the discharge, got a folder with pictures and care instructions and I’ll get more info at the post-op. She said a gnarly cyst was in the fibroma; not surprised, also a genetic ‘gift’ passed down.

My gel pillow made it feel like the seatbelt wasn’t even on. Wasn’t hard to get in Dad’s SUV. Car ride wasn’t bad; used my legs to counter turns and stops so none of it was painful. Walking helps cramps better than anything. Oxycodone for the pain, also took Tylenol and Gas X once I got home. Jello is Amazing on my throat! Orange; I’m told red dyes are not a good choice.

Felt much better around 7 PM, head wooziness fading so might get sleep soon. Some lower back aching but not unbearable. I’m insanely happy that I got through it. Not gonna lie; I was terrified when I thought about the surgery itself but I just sat in the quiet room, concentrated on breathing and let the excitement overpower the fear. Think of life without fibroids and lessened or stopped periods. Sign. Me. Up.

Bladder is a bit more active but spotting is still minimal. Cramping comes and goes but is just mildly uncomfortable. Preferable to the norm!

Bleeding is stopped on pad for now, faint pink after emptying bladder and omg, bladder urgency is not constant! It’s a miracle. Squatting with upper thighs makes standing and sitting so easy. Getting the hang of my limits and gauging how to correct any discomfort. Heart rate is elevated from normal but I read this is normal post-op for a few days after but call if it remains after a grace period. Doesn’t feel like my heart is pounding, Fitbit just shows it elevated. Oddly, standing to walk, which usually raises it by up to 30 bpm when I’m moving around, stays exactly the same as when I’m sitting. Given that I’m not zooming around, it’s still odd that there’s no change at all. But good. I don’t feel my heart pounding when I sit down either. Noting this over the next few days.

But this is why I haven’t slept yet. Hard to sleep with a more active heart rate. I’m otherwise comfortable, no feeling of deep lethargy or exhaustion, just alert.

Day 2 PO (April 29, 2023): midnight now so I’m switching it up. Feeling relaxed more and gently tired. Being tired used to feel so desperate but this is just pleasant like it used to be many years ago. Going easy on the oxycodone; very likely I won’t need much at all. It does get rid of the odd sharp feeling in the big incision. I’m picturing it with shark teeth but the poor thing glued his mouth shut. It’s somehow both dull but pronounced with a little sharpness, mid range pain (like a 5?) so the oxycodone takes care of that. I won’t need it past that feeling because standing up and walking a bit takes care of the rest.

I’m just thanking my lucky stars that I continue to defy expectations assumed by my current puffy state and know I’m a physically strong and resilient woman that never neglected herself. I fought hard against some undesirable genetic card in the deck and am happy that the other cards I’ve stacked are in my favor. It’s very likely that even though the family line couldn’t lower the risk over time, those genes learned to battle around it. I cannot wait to be a powerhouse again.

My online support group has been everything through this and I’ve taken that knowledge and try to help out now that I’m able to be a contributor, not just a scared bundle of uncertainty. Underneath each one is a fierce woman, eager to feel confident in their best outcome. I’m so grateful to know them.

I’ve had a couple ‘quick naps’ feeling refreshed rather than groggy. Is this power napping?! I’ve been peeing better and regular water is keeping the throat soreness gone now. I’m a little more frequent with needing to get up to walk but I can hear the grumbles of internal gas passing through me normally too so I may be getting a bowel movement before long. I’m a little anxious since pushing at all is clearly not happening so it will be a challenge to go without doing so. I’ve always been a turbo pooper, get in, get out so it will be a learning experience doing what guys do and hanging out in the ass-cold office.

Pain got a little intense once the oxy wore off so another one it is. Starting to finally feel sleepy. Peeing just fine, perfect color so hydration is good, a little pink on the pad but very little. Stomach keeps growling, probably mad about all these soft foods but I’m going to hold off on graduating to oatmeal just yet. I’ve read that a BM might not happen until day 4, that days 2 & 3 can be the worst pain-wise. The nurse said I can shower today but I see a lot of things saying waiting until 48 hours is preferred. I haven’t been sweating at all. And what about frequency? I don’t do daily showers because they’re very drying even with good product. I wonder if it would be suitable just to run water over the front of me, just to make sure the incisions stay clean? But I don’t want to risk loosening the glue so how much? Looks like I have some questions again.

Asked and answered; I can wait three days before showering and I absolutely will. Days 2 and 3 are supposed to be the worst and I’m feeling that completely. I’m so hoarse and need to be diligent with the meds and ice packs. Day 3 is supposed to be the worst of the itching and tightness. I haven’t been sweating or being super active obviously so I’ll gladly wait. Lol I knew the first day was adrenaline inspired.

Rough morning but once I got to take my meds and supplements again, I’ve felt better. Missed my Vyvanse. And yes, I did clear it in conjunction with my pain meds as to whether they would play nice. And they do because I felt great right now. Sleepy but not painfully so. Sometimes I could sleep on Vyvanse but the tumor was a huge cause of the increased lethargy and now it’s gone so Vyvanse is feeling more effective. Well, a week without can do that too. Heart rate is back to normal. The nurse suggested I get on BP meds with my primary but this is an old song and dance; I get white coat hypertension where unfamiliar hospital settings shoot it up. My BP is always normal at my primary’s office since I’ve been going there longer and I’m settled in. I don’t get the high blood pressure symptoms that even signal it but I just agree and say I’ll schedule. When I explain myself, I’m often pressed to accept their brief assessment of something I’m much more versed in but end up nodding my head uselessly. I’ll monitor and if it stays high, I’ll schedule, but I guarantee it’s situational and the stress of this event, not a problem I need more meds for.

Ugh, to the point! Gas is freaky now. I have to wiggle and walk and counter it before it can hurt. Feel it gurgle and pretend like it’s going to come out but squirm back up. Just… no. I can’t push so it’s a tease. I’ve gotten like one and kind of one but you can’t have half a fart so a weird bubble that kind of felt like it was going to be productive but didn’t have any relief behind it. Yeah, I’m chasing the feeling of farts and making sure they hurt as little as possible. It’s mostly working. But I can look forward to at least one complete day cycle more of this nonsense.

And I still love it more than where I was. I love the courage and the determination, that I followed through. I felt like I wasn’t doing that enough, falling back into depression. I was taking a stimulant meant to help me function and falling asleep half the day because my fibroma was just devouring my life force. Leaving just enough of me to keep feeding, but not leaving enough of me for me to exist anymore. I was pain and tiredness that wasn’t quenched by sleep. I was effort that never became ease. I was hope that never became fulfillment. And now I’m playing with bubbly painful farts and understanding that pain is the gate that makes sure I will not take the prize for granted. This is my strange new transition under my own terms, the price I knew to pay for the prize.

Waxing poetic but I feel the gas build in my chest and know it’s about to not feel good so mentally taking the liberties of pleasure. And I’ve been awake far too long, insomnia being another known price. But I feel the gentle pull of sleep and silently beg the gas to resume mischief after a proper rest. 

Long day, long entry. Four and a half hours left but I’m hoping the bulk is spent getting fulfilling sleep. My throat is feeling much better after chloraseptic cough drops. Glad I asked dad to get some for my pesky hoarse throat. He was fussing over me so much and I’m touched but he really wanted to go golfing this weekend so I laughed and told him to have at it. I’m at peace with this pain and know to get help rather than exacerbate it.

Day 3 (April 30th): now technically this is partly into day 2. Mentally, I’m going by the 24 hour period from the time I woke up. It was around 4 PM on Friday when I came out of anesthesia in the recovery room and I was told surgery was under two hours. Around 4:30 is when I was given a Percoset 5mg for pain management, spasming like I was cold, but confused since I didn’t feel cold (later learning it was indeed spasms that heat took care of quickly). So I’m in the second 24 hour period after and will be until around 4 PM today. 

I was told this Day 2 phase, gas was the name of the pain. Very accurate. In fact, right around the mark of Day 2, I could feel the movement, sudden pressing pain of backed up gas and falling short of escaping through the back door. But I learned to shift my hips and body and try to direct it willfully without restricted pushing. Standing and sitting, I’ve found ideal ways to get it to come out. In so far, little and barely satisfying but just enough relief that I don’t dread that feeling of it joining the rest to cause pain shortly. More small walks.

I did get a solid six hours sleep and I do mean SOLID, in a way I haven’t done in a long time. No waking with the strong urge to pee. I did hit with a bad wave of nausea last night before it passed and I was able to sleep. I needed Markie to wrap the abandoned oatmeal I couldn’t finish and put that and my coffee in the fridge. I was able to eat the oatmeal just now. Sore throat is back so I’m sucking on the chloraseptic drops though it’s stubborn about sticking around this time. I can tell the throat is still swollen and healing but no obstruction, just a bit of tightness of inflamed tissue. Was able to get up, brush hair, put on deodorant, feed cats wet food, use bathroom and change pad (no spotting just keeping it fresh), and walk a bit before situating back onto the couch, pillows propped under knees.

I can hear baby Stumpers wanting her food now so I hope Ryan remembers!

Feeling just a tad nauseous but the oatmeal might be a bit much. I need Ryan to get my ice pack (if he comes down), otherwise I’ll pop some Tylenol until I can manage to try to get up again. It’s raining this morning but peaceful and I feel the calm. Ready to battle the gas pain; read that it generally takes 48 hours from the time of surgery to evacuate so I’m hoping it will do so and I’ll feel another clear transition around 4 PM again.

But I hear Day 3 is the impossible itch. That is considered to be the worst day after surgery so I’m nervous but the future is non-existent and the present gas pain is plenty occupying right now. One thing at a time. First, we will work on sleeping through the gas discomfort or being awake to actively direct it. Supposedly it finds its way through regardless, just a matter of finding relief if it causes pain.

The oatmeal may be a regret but the soup helped and I know I need some semi-solids to try to avoid constipation. I do have laxatives waiting if necessary but those can be a bit much when I am able to push even, so it could be a painful risk. 

Ah, need to take my Miralax dose though, can’t forget that. Really hoping Ryan doesn’t forget to come down…

Day 4 (May 1): couldn’t update for a while. Sometimes all energy is used up, no extra. Gas pain has had breakthroughs, digestive noises in stomach starting to kick up. Aiming to shower tonight if I can keep the healing where it needs to be. Had to cave and take a Percoset since today the pain has an edge; even the IV site on my hand is complaining like a brand new bruise. Walking was harder this morning. Keeping the Miralax going but bowel movement still not seeming close. I’ll be a bit less anxious once I can clear that hurdle but it may be a day or two before I get there. Getting the hang of getting up; I was struggling for that energy for a bit too. No bladder urgency but when I feel gas discomfort, I make a trip to the bathroom and try to get a nice satisfying air expulsion going. I get up every couple hours when I’m awake. I remember when the amount of pee that comes out wasn’t this much. Just so much urgency for so little. Gone are the days when I would have to pee before falling asleep and still need to pee every half hour if I couldn’t fall asleep after. It’s what I keep reminding myself when recovery is taxing. And my ovary was in major distress. It could’ve gotten so much worse over time. When the energy is scarce, I just silently say ‘I did it.’ I fought for myself and I braved the big change and the prize will come.

Note on recovery positioning: a great deal of the worst parts have been relieved by a regular routine when sitting and standing. To get up, I move my legs on either side of the two pillows behind my knees and lift them to my side one at a time, leaving the legs spread to press down on my feet while I rise onto my elbows then wrists to shift enough weight to press the elevated leg rest of the recliner. Most effort is shifting weight into my feet to close it down first. Sitting back down, I do the same as when I sit on the toilet; spread the legs wide enough that the swollen belly is cradled between them when sitting. Scoot with weight in feet to position back before reclining. Activate release while pressing down with feet to control speed, spread legs, stack the two knee pillows and just straight leg lift up and over, folding legs into position that lets me use legs to lift hips for gas. Ball up blanket, holding top and tossing the heavier wad down to cover feet. Recline chair as needed. I don’t like it fully back because I don’t feel well too far back, still enjoy the pressure and angle of a 45° lean mostly.

Percs always make me too woozy. Had to cave but it needs to wear off or there’s no way I can manage a shower later.

And before the 72 hour post mark came, finally a BM! I had a few more solids today, some shrimp and crackers, and I’ve been taking the Miralax since 2 days before. Gas smelled a bit less pleasant so I decided to bear down just a bit and that was all the encouragement it needed. Almost the consistency of toothpaste, greenish (I did have blue and orange jellos early on), terrible smell and quite a bit of it but not a toilet clogger, thankfully. 

But I feel a bit better because that’s confirmation my body is at a normal pace and fully moving again. I should be able to eat more normal foods. And tonight I’ll take a short shower, see how that goes. Tomorrow or the day after, I’ll head back up to my bedroom, which I really miss. I have those memory foam mattress toppers that would just be a challenge to attempt getting on and off of too soon. Will feel amazing to be able to again though.

Shower was fine, just wanted to get it over with. Belly is so saggy without the mass there so it’s just odd to touch. Incisions are fine, just let the soap and water pass over it. Challenging to get dressed; new mesh underwear but I wish I had more of the pants I was changing out of. These aren’t as comfortable with my swollen belly. I may attempt a trip upstairs to get some of my pajama pants if it makes it hard to get more rest. I hope the binder isn’t similarly uncomfortable but I think it will be less uncomfortable that a waistband that’s too snug. Weight distribution matters.

Really after the BM, I feel a lot less nervous. I do feel moody but my sensory tolerance is really picky so light and sounds can be too much too fast still. Feeling better by far though.

Day 5 (May 2): a little woozy waking up from a nap but percs will do that. Won’t miss those once I don’t need them to soften the incision pain. Again, no bladder urgency on waking after hours sleep. I cannot get over how much I love this. Definitely wasn’t diabetes, years and years of neglectful doctors. Need more sleep to kill the nausea though.

Bad gas and stomach cramping on getting up. Ate some soup, peppermint tea, heating pad and rancid farting. Drinking water to try to keep things moving in the right direction. Haven’t had vomiting and I’d like to keep it that way. I’ll take a Percoset and sleep as soon as I get my body calm again.

Got some loose smelly stool out, hoping that will extend into some relief. Definitely cool to not worry about constipation. Going to stick to water to flush the system a bit. No rush I’m going back to a regular diet just to have to manage side effects. Gas is clearly still not easy to dispel.

Ugh, can’t wait to be done with Percoset. They knock out the stomach pain but they never don’t feel like a massive hangover at some point. Not a good trade at all.

Able to eat pasta and garlic bread for dinner, getting off of couch is easier, can lie flatter to sleep too.

Day 6 (May 3): able to stretch a bit more but abdomen gets itchy. Lightly tickling abdomen with fingernails helps relax off sensations. Gas is passing a lot easier. Nausea from percs still awful but abdomen is definitely still capable of sharp soreness. Hoping binder can cut down on it. Sick of narcotics. It’s the most unbearable trade off.

More sleep, looks like in three hour chunks at the moment. Noticed some bladder leakage when trying to sit on toilet with full bladder; just minor dripping, nothing too concerning. Trying to avoid taking a perc because of the nausea but when the incision pain gets a little too real, I always cave in. Haven’t really been detailing what I’ve ate or drank… just had some beef veggie soup and crangrape. Incision pain is surfacing so I guess I’ll cave. I just ate so it might absorb some of my least favorite part.

Finally upstairs, the cats and I are both happy to be in our sanctuary again! Sleep should be amazing. Will shower tomorrow. Percs still causing nausea but still better than the heavy belly pain. Hope that changes in the next two days. 

Day 7 (May 4): almost euphoric… I’m recording this at the end of the day instead of throughout because I was somewhat mystified. It started out with some cramping but I resisted the urge to begrudgingly take a painkiller; plugged in the heating pad, ate some crackers, drank water, took a nap. Woke up to my sweet kitty, sleeping gently on the big incision: best heating pad ever.

Once I got up, I ate a personal sized chicken pot pie and realized o hadn’t had a BM in a couple days so I decided to eat some sugar-free mints; this has always worked to get my bowels moving in the past. Worked again. The smell was completely foul but it was satisfactory.

Was able to get in the shower and clean carefully. The weather was amazing today so I did a lot more walking around the backyard and enjoying the day. Did some light chores (no lifting or deep bending or anything; my mental priority was to move mindful of what my body was ready for!). My moods were really high and even and laidback and serene. This is me. The me that I thought was lost. I always held out hope for her to return and I can actually embrace it. It’s no longer just a temporary feeling beat down by pain and exhaustion.

I started crocheting again too. I have so many crafty ideas flowing in, but with focus, not overwhelming and leaving me doing nothing. I feel it like it’s a clear and doable plan. 

And yeah, I want to hit the ground running but healing cannot be forced. My body needs gentleness even as my mind is tickled with all the changes. Luckily crochet is not an intensive goal and I’m more than happy to focus on those projects until I can handle ones with higher labor needs and stamina. 

But I’m getting there. Tomorrow will be the first week. There will be 6-8 total before I can really start pushing. But I can keep hydrating and eating well and giving my body that time it needs. This was a rare chance and being impatient and ruining its long-term benefits would be another tragedy. I’m doing this right because I am not ungrateful in honoring the process.

Day 8 (May 5): I really didn’t expect things to go this well with recovery. I’ve had some headaches since last night but they feel more like seasonal gripes than directly related. I’m doing well coping with the pain without needing to take the edge off. I’m enjoying taking some time to try to share my experience for others. Luckily, the physical healing hasn’t left me too vulnerable to talk about it.

Still a bit of a headache, bottom scar can feel heavy even with the binder on. Walking is still the best way to make it and my systems feel better and get moving again. I wouldn’t say I’m pushing it but I do often test if I can attempt doing something on my own. I know all too well how pushing anything could saddle me with longer term issues so mentally I need to remind myself this is where it matters and there’s no reason I can’t be cautious now and leave it behind me later.

Felt a little better after taking my daily meds. Stimulants always help painkillers work so that could be part of it. So nervous about this post-op. All I’ve been through over the years and now I just want this chapter to be over. I need that biopsy to say no more problems and to be able to focus on healing and just scheduling a regular checkup. I need to truly have my life back, to not just be trudging through until the next results come in. I so desperately want to hear ‘it’s benign as usual, no worries’ but I do not have a life so charmed as to think that was is most likely will be my blessing as well.

And pathology came back clear! Whooooosh goes the pent-up breath! I told my doctor I really admire her work, impressed with handling my giant ovary. 266 grams. Wrap your head around that! She is optimistic the ablation may mean no periods since the spotting after was negligible. Bruising at the incision sites but she said I’d be good to remove the glue next Friday and ease back into that life I thought I’d never have back.

I’m so ridiculously grateful to her and look forward to crocheting her and the assisting surgeon baby blankets since they’re expecting. With such strong and caring mothers, they couldn’t be getting a better start!