Everything to Everyone

 I’ve delved into aspects of my identity with vulnerability in the past but what seems to fascinate people the most about some of my lifestyle aspects is the why. It would be easy to dismiss it as being ‘born this way’ and in some ways, it can simply be boiled down to the personality or even how character develops it. It probably seems like I’m purposely choosing controversial and less understood stances (asexual, atheist, etc) but these labels are less a part of my identity and more permission to distribute my priorities differently. 

And yes, I could write a book on asexuality and the implications of mental disorder or trauma, but the same could be applied to most people’s sexual proclivities. Many people just closet the aspects that aren’t socially acceptable and still pursue them but have the nerve to feign the moral high ground. Some might be strongly influenced by trauma but since the spectrum of how a sexual abuse survivor ranges from abstinence to promiscuity, there’s no definitive way to accuse trauma of being behind every ‘alternative’ to the biological drives of procreation. In the same way, childless people can love children and even dedicate their lives to developing and improving the lives of children. And you know I’m going to cite Dolly Parton here as a prime example. There are many reasons why people’s sexuality is considered fluid and we all have motivations that determine its priority, ability to satisfy/pleasure, complete biological imperatives, hold social standing or create a sense of community and survival among others. It’s one of many flags that people can champion you for or hold against you, depending on how they want to justify their feelings towards you, but ultimately, you are the one that has to bear the consequences of those actions.

Talking about choice is iffy territory for preference, if only because some preferences are very much hard-wired while some of us reinforce it as a choice to avoid the social pitfalls and obstacles it presents to other goals we have in life. Ace (asexual for short) is both a constant and a choice because I’ve never been entirely certain. I do feel a little tingly when people are intimate in shows and movies and I have had a fascination with how sex can sometimes give away some pretty telling character traits. Yet I’ve experienced the ‘cold fish’ or detachment sensation when I’ve had people try for intimacy. I learned how to self-pleasure in my twenties and it created an awareness for the freedom of knowing how to rely on myself to maintain my libido and know how to seek what I want… then move on with my life.

I won’t go to TMI with that; I talked about it in great length when I released my first series of books which contains a great deal of bursts of eroticism yet never managed to be the central focus. It is comparable to how I think of these experiences, that asexuality was never meant to be a wall to keep people out or a challenge to be the one to break through. It just defines a lifetime of retrospection and introspection; I didn’t want to depend on anyone, either casually or monogamously, to fulfill this need. I didn’t want it to consume my time or energy or risk my health to pursue a physical connection. I certainly didn’t want an accidental pregnancy or an STI. My priority was to develop as an artist, a crafter, and to make that the hub of my social fulfillment.

And I feel like this needs to be said; too many people make the joke of asexuality on the biological level like there is no other interpretation of those word parts, despite a- meaning ‘without’ and sexuality being the PREFERENCE not the gender. Unless they also think bisexuality means hermaphroditism. And why stop there! Heterosexual would mean you’re the opposite sex of what you are born as (welcome to the trans community, straights!) and homosexual would be the new default since they would be the sex they were assigned at birth! You understand what is meant with this vocabulary and you’re either stupid or willfully ignorant if you hear some say they are ace/asexual and you assume they can reconfigure their sexual organs at will or need.

Atheism, to me, is a statement that I have no desire to engage in rituals or practices dedicated to a god or gods that don’t exist. I don’t doubt that people do believe in one or many but I’ve certainly studied religion to an extent and found it never could fulfill the promises it made. I feel the euphoria in my own creation, own the frustration of my own failures and mourn death because I will only have those memories of those lives and no existence as me beyond this one. I treasure this life and the lives of others because it’s tragic and precious and I do all I can to live alongside others and improve all of our lives because that is something that creates purpose in me. I’m not the kind and sensitive person I am because I fear what comes after life. I am this person because I treasure hope and goodness and harmony. I know that I am guaranteed nothing and many things will be grossly unfair and, like most humans, I will grasp to control situations that have no rationale or security. But I cannot believe in something on faith alone. I can believe in myself and sometimes other people but I have learned to wait for emotional upheaval to pass, then decide and take action. It was incredibly freeing to give up the ramblings of prayer to speak to myself and find the compromise between emotion and logic. Mythology is fascinating and I love to use it in fantasy, but I do not incorporate it into how I judge others or feel secure in the unknown.

Others can take these concepts and more and happily incorporate it into identity. Some do it healthily and others destructively. But my labels are minor aspects for me. My primary identity is creativity. I strive to develop how to communicate my perspective to study what I am capable of doing in the time I have. I have been sick for years and even in despair cling to hope I’d be able to thrive creatively again. I am still physically recovering but with a sense of optimism that once felt desperate and unrealistic. But I also never imagined I’d have a bladder that doesn’t rule my life and ever not feel twice my age. Whatever else life is or becomes, I know I will often redirect people from their confusion about my priorities, at least until I can satisfy them that there is much more to it than trauma or aberration from the norm. I am not here to convert others to my way of thinking; I stick around to remind others there’s a place for it.

Understanding can be hard or even impossible to reach, but I have always said that I am fine with acceptance. I don’t need you to reach uncomfortable levels of reflection to see things my way, but I do want to not be subjected to this idea that I need to be saved or fixed to coexist. Simply put, I can’t actually change minds against their will and that’s not my intention. As with all things, I just want to shed light on my humanity and the other nonconforming aspects as not inherently good or bad. We can’t paint others with the brush we use. We have to give others the ability to present their own stories.

It’s never that hard to imagine what other people would be without things we consider central to our existence. If we can remove condescension or accusation to ask why, we might be able to clarify. But always remember, no one owes it to you to explain the often abstract concept of a label. Google can answer that. If you want to know what it means to that person, most find it equally fascinating to give an answer.

We can’t be everything to everyone. We CAN define how our priorities can equal a completion of person.