I Think I’m Ready Now…

 I didn’t want to get into the habit of droning on and on about the ups and downs of recovery; I’ve fallen into redundancy with blogging in the past and it’s something I’ve wanted to avoid repeating. But it hasn’t been easy.

I’ve gone from energizing highs to aggravating lows. One thing that has made the past month harder than usual is that my ADHD meds have hit a desert. But I’ve also been better off without stimulants, my heart rate and sleep and hormones better so I’m thinking I need to address trying a non-stimulant med. My focus has been absolutely shot and my frustration with fighting impulses and sudden memory loss are still too much to manage well on my own.

But it’s my weight that is bugging me the most. I’ve lost some inflammation for certain but I can’t quite deal with how alien I look to myself. When you spent most of your life being fit and normal weight, being overweight is disjointed and obesity is horrifying. I can’t move the way I want to and I can never summon enough energy I need creatively. I NEED to lose weight to meet the goals that actually matter to me. If it were just being fat, fuck it, let it be. My blood and other tests have been stellar, but it’s the feeling of being trapped in a body that isn’t working the way I demand from it that can’t continue.

I was going to just chill through until the New Year, but now I want to start the day after Christmas. I’m not planning anything for the new year so I’m going to go ahead and start bringing on the pain of change. I can’t be content in this body so alien to me and now that the tumor is gone and the large incision fully fused, I want to get going. I set a workout schedule, conservative because I did this before and learned what not to do if I found myself a square one again, and I’m going to go for it once family time is well-spent.

I do feel more myself but this body is something I can’t be content with. I have to work harder to repair the damage done. My surgeon gave me this golden chance to fight my way out and it’s too good to waste. It’s truly time to fight to win myself back. To feel strong and confident and eccentric and bubbly again. I have a lot of bad-ass ideas yet to set loose in the world and a life to live to the fullest. It’s the only one again and my little speck of existence. I want to treasure every moment but it will always fall short unless I care for the shell I’m in. I want to feel bold and beautiful and match the energy of my mind and spirit again.

I’ll get there but I have to be ready to hurt and fight through the trials. And things in this world sure love to try me so I should be at my best to give it right back.