I Think I’m Ready Now…

 I didn’t want to get into the habit of droning on and on about the ups and downs of recovery; I’ve fallen into redundancy with blogging in the past and it’s something I’ve wanted to avoid repeating. But it hasn’t been easy.

I’ve gone from energizing highs to aggravating lows. One thing that has made the past month harder than usual is that my ADHD meds have hit a desert. But I’ve also been better off without stimulants, my heart rate and sleep and hormones better so I’m thinking I need to address trying a non-stimulant med. My focus has been absolutely shot and my frustration with fighting impulses and sudden memory loss are still too much to manage well on my own.

But it’s my weight that is bugging me the most. I’ve lost some inflammation for certain but I can’t quite deal with how alien I look to myself. When you spent most of your life being fit and normal weight, being overweight is disjointed and obesity is horrifying. I can’t move the way I want to and I can never summon enough energy I need creatively. I NEED to lose weight to meet the goals that actually matter to me. If it were just being fat, fuck it, let it be. My blood and other tests have been stellar, but it’s the feeling of being trapped in a body that isn’t working the way I demand from it that can’t continue.

I was going to just chill through until the New Year, but now I want to start the day after Christmas. I’m not planning anything for the new year so I’m going to go ahead and start bringing on the pain of change. I can’t be content in this body so alien to me and now that the tumor is gone and the large incision fully fused, I want to get going. I set a workout schedule, conservative because I did this before and learned what not to do if I found myself a square one again, and I’m going to go for it once family time is well-spent.

I do feel more myself but this body is something I can’t be content with. I have to work harder to repair the damage done. My surgeon gave me this golden chance to fight my way out and it’s too good to waste. It’s truly time to fight to win myself back. To feel strong and confident and eccentric and bubbly again. I have a lot of bad-ass ideas yet to set loose in the world and a life to live to the fullest. It’s the only one again and my little speck of existence. I want to treasure every moment but it will always fall short unless I care for the shell I’m in. I want to feel bold and beautiful and match the energy of my mind and spirit again.

I’ll get there but I have to be ready to hurt and fight through the trials. And things in this world sure love to try me so I should be at my best to give it right back.

Nothing Special?

 I don’t have anything particular in mind but I definitely have some life changes worth noting.

On the positive side, my weight is coming down on its own, I’m able to do a full range of lifting and bending and stretching. I’m not constantly dealing with aches and pains. The pressure that was concerning in my left eye is normal again. I’m able to get more exercise by the day. Been keeping up with crafts and crochet but some of it is gifts I don’t want to spoil by posting where it can be found, so a lot will come up after the holidays.

Negatives: still have the eye floater and now astigmatism in the left eye, near sighted in the right. I’ll need progressive lenses to see better. No idea what to do about the floater but my insurance probably doesn’t cover it. The toe I had injected last year is starting to ache again; may need an alcohol injection to kill the nerve. Perimenopause is a bitch so insomnia and hot flashes seem to be an annoyance some nights. My diastolic BP is higher than my doctor likes but I’m very much going to attempt to make changes and fix that. My BP has been higher since the ovary problem came to a climax and I expected it may take time for it to come down so I’m not worried about it at the moment. I’m not experiencing the concerns that come with BP problems like shortness of breath or racing heart rate.

I’m still working on projects that help me balance creativity and stamina. Although I’d love to go back to writing my books, getting those big ideas swirling around onto the page, it’s difficult to concentrate on using a computer much right now and the eye floater is behind this. I’m still hoping it’s temporary or I’ll have to find some way to afford getting it zapped or drained. I do have plenty that needs to get done where it won’t be an annoyance so I’m going to continue working on my health and hoping some of these negatives can be shed with this newfound ability to use my body. Before, I felt like a voodoo doll, just stuck from every direction so there was no ‘do this to fix that’; I was restricted so bad that normal rules didn’t apply. I was gaining weight not eating for 5 days, unable to bend or do anything without pain that didn’t match the actions.

And now I’m starting to recognize my own body again. When I get signals, they mean something and I can fix the problem and feel better. I ended up isolated because no one could help me and people felt helpless. They couldn’t feel my pain and doctors couldn’t help me validate it because they weren’t taking the effort to look. Cycles of futility that made me fade into depression and anxiety, unable to enjoy anything, hanging on by a thread by hoarding projects I couldn’t start. I felt like I was twice my age and ready to be done with all of it. I was a wraith, a husk of a person. The return to finding myself has been exhilarating and fun. I feel the bubbliness and electric wit coming back more naturally, not pushing through a dense mask of desperation.

I can’t wait to show all the bits and pieces of these projects! I can’t wait to find more ways to advocate for women’s medicine and ADHD and hope. Whether I’m just helping one person or many get a boost, it’s truly what makes me me. I’m always learning how to hear others without losing myself, that sacrifice cannot be something that always drains you, that it must feed you to be your best self in some way. I anticipate, for once, a really optimistic year and truly hope for things to keep trending towards good fortune. 

Writing to My Past Self

 This is an exercise in reflection that we sometimes stumble on at some point in life and one I wanted to put out there. What would you say to your past self if you had the chance to save yourself regrets later? 

Dear Krista,

Throughout life, we’ll often be convinced that there are ways to do things that are best for everyone; ignoring them and going with your gut will be the thing that saves you.

I’m not writing to tell you my regrets or to change anything. No matter how tempting it is to think about going back to fix things, keep this in mind. I like who I am now. I’ve become a creative powerhouse and the friends I have are ones I never have to worry will hurt me. I overcame being sick and misdiagnosed and realized that changing anything could take away from what formed me. There was never any time wasted; not on being sick, or toxic people, or being unable to pursue things and just daydreaming of better things. 

One important thing I can give you is this and deep down you always knew; you can’t go back and change what you regret, but if you learn to love yourself, then all of it was just a journey to who you are. Don’t worry about not liking things about who you become and start preparing yourself for amazing others and even yourself.

Just don’t forget to listen to yourself. 

Love,

Future Krista

P.S. I’m still thinking about the line of dolls you came up with. That’s a good one…

Random Life Updates!

 I actually had a few things on my mind so I couldn’t make a less vague header if I tried but the random doesn’t have a tie-in theme at all…

First up, been crushing Baldur’s Gate 3 since the PS5 early release on September 2nd and it’s been quite some time since I’ve been excited to play a game like this. I didn’t really know what to expect but it has all of the elements of some of my favorite games to grind; the story-shattering consequences of choices you make like Witcher 3, the alchemy and book hoarding of Skyrim (different but reminiscent), the fluent fantasy feel of Dragon Age (the romances, whimsy and sometimes deep darkness; there’s a lot of dabbling BG3 does to remind me of DA throughout) and the turn-based strategy of the pixel graphics days but without the grid based movement, it makes battles feel much more fluid. My main gripes in the battle system are that there are some awkward pauses that feel like it might be frozen, some difficult choosing the topography when moving a character under or on top of an area (I feel there should be a dedicated button or if there is and I’m dumb, it should have appeared in the tutorial tips that I turned on for that reason), and it’s a little too easy to fire at nothing and waste an action when you thought you were in Move mode. There should be a sort of smart mode where it disables actions when targeting a space where it’s pointless to use it. Of course, you should always be able to toggle an action and shoot at nothing if you really want to, but let’s have interfaces that by default do not assume this. Brings to mind Assassin’s Creed where you’re trying to climb buildings and you’re pretty certain you’re angling towards the next jump and grab point when your assassin instead pulls a ‘goodbye cruel world’ jump to his death. In a game like BG3, even on explorer difficulty, a wasted action can be life and death when you’re up again a boss that can waste 2 out of 4 characters in a single turn. Which also is usually a quick end because you’ll waste actions reviving but not full healing them and not actually getting to hit the boss much while scrambling to keep reviving them. But there are some mechanics that, while frustrating, also keep things interesting. If you don’t revive a downed character, they become actual dead. You’ll need to revive them with a res(surection) spell, Revivify scroll or hopefully you got Withers in the ruins near where you begin after the alien ship crashes (you’ll need to get past the sarcophagus and trigger a fight; he’s in the sarcophagus in the room that triggers an undead battle when you find it). I love that you can massively destroy chances to recruit some characters or have to to get other characters to join. It makes characters feel dimensional because, let’s face it, we all have friends we can’t get to like each other and some that just seem to hate each other but can’t help but admire each other once clashing shows they have more in common than they thought. Gale’s a troublemaker and I’ve been keeping him confined to camp after he murdered my whole party with his stinky aura but at the same time, I want to get back to him on another play through. Incidentally while trying to play the good guy, I murdered most of the Emerald Grove people and while I quit that file in a huff of disappointment, I now want to go back to it and use the opportunity to recruit Minthara, since I’ve made my good girl unintentionally evil when I managed to accidentally steal in front of Kagha’s posse and trigger a massacre. This is also where I learned to quick save obsessively before each and every interaction and entry into areas because my impulses prove that good intentions are indeed not always intended and impulses can spell disaster (as well as the crushing realization that your last save was too far back for your liking).

But I didn’t intend this to be a BG3 review or I’d have said as much so I’ll leave it at that and move along.

I keep injuring my damn thumbs trying to craft and get my life together after surgery but I have thumb braces to put on for the worst of it. I stopped taking a multivitamin for women because I don’t need as much iron now that I’m not bleeding. However, I’ve been wiped out since, energy just gone, so I ordered a senior multivitamin with high B12 so I can get energy and immune and brain levels back up again. You never realize how well things were working until you stop.

Which kind of puts exercising on the back burner because my attempts at cleaning house have tired me way faster than usual so it’s pretty obvious I’m not going to do well with anything else. I woke up exhausted today and after attempting to clean and getting further wiped out, I downed my nighttime allergy pills and magnesium and hoping I’ll just fall back asleep in the next couple of hours. Sleep has been garbage since I quit the multivitamin too. I need to not do that again.

I’ll eventually get back to writing and doing more but already I’ve been doing much more than the years before, so I’m not keen on going into overdrive just to do EVERYTHING again. I don’t need to do everything; I just need to keep doing what’s doable and hoping that includes things that I had to leave half-finished. I do still like to adopt new things; we can’t adhere to old plans only when they constraint us far from the impulse of inspiration. Always leave room for those.

Craft Updates!

 Don’t worry, all, no TMI content on this one so let out that pent-up breath! This time around I’m just going to put some plans out there for the months ahead. Ideally, I’m looking to nail down all of this in the summer, maybe fall if needed, although some projects are sort of stretchy and are intended to be added to selectively, but I’ll clarify that shortly. This week, I visited my sister in Cincinnati and we saw the new Ninja Turtle movie during the early release showing and got some cool swag, ate at Lake Nina (pronounced like NINE-uh; that famous fish log though, yum!) and did the Penguin Encounter at Newport Aquarium. My first outing since surgery so it was exhausting but fun! I’m relaxing now that I’m back home, but I do have a few things planned to fill quite a bit of time.

On the graphic design side of things, I’ll be finishing up a pop-up card design to publish on Cricut Access and doing some photo editing for a picture my sister wants to get blow up. Craft-wise, I am finishing a house-warming present for my friends Erika and Phil for their new house and I have a few crochet plushie ideas to explore. I also have three small wooden coffin candy boxes that I am going to turn into Halloween style mini dioramas, which may take some time to work out, and a cat café diorama idea using my Obitsu11 dolls and Miniverse DIY parts. I will also be adding a few custom dolls, furniture and decor and walls, doors, signs, etc so this is one I wish to build on meaningfully rather than rush to throw together. Some bits will be built if I can’t find what I want pre-built or in kits. I don’t intend to rush this one.

But those are my priority projects. I do also hope to finish some lingering doll projects that got left behind prior to my health issues and get back to writing and drawing, but many of those were abandoned because they require a stamina and momentum that will take some time to rebuild. Living with that tumor inside of me caused years of damage, mentally and physically, and I will need persistence and patience to rebuild my health. I won’t make the same mistakes of the past where diet/exercise and creativity can’t coexist due to obsession with one or the other. I did build a lot of self-awareness during recovery that I must nurture with vigilance to maintain the balance of both. Working together, I can rebuild those to be a powerhouse again, but it will be challenging and I will experience some frustration and tough decisions. I’ve given the people the impression that my lifestyle is easy and there will be no masking from here on out. Whether or not I am pleasant or not, many people will assume what they want regardless so I find that preparing to be underestimated usually gives me the satisfaction of embracing my own decisions, no approval needed.

But as usual, I will definitely continue on my quest to make women’s health issues more visible and press for them to be taken seriously and treated with urgency and respect. I will explain this as many times as needed that while I will continue calling it ‘women’s health’ because it is a biological branch of medicine, this extends to those that have a uterus that can have these issues and in some cases, even those with estrogen or other biologically feminine-dominating hormonal issues that can relate. Although identity and medical facts are separate issues, they are not exclusive from discussions that can help treat the problems women, trans-women and trans-men may intersect with and share (nor does it mean that problems unique or exclusive to these subgroups is of lesser priority as long as the aim is to increase safe treatment, proper knowledge, and health in all groups included in this under-studied and under-prioritized branch of medicine). We can argue the vocabulary but this is secondary to context and intention; in context of an individual’s case, I do use preferred terms but for the sake of medical clarity, superfluous language unnecessary towards proper treatment can be a hindrance to timely treatment of a suffering patient. I am in a support group that balances the two without issues with hostility for mistakes in preferences and I don’t tolerate trolling accusations of phobia when hostile extremists want to get butthurt over what is generally accepted in spaces where others are free to kindly correct assumptions.

Anyone who knows me knows I am caring and kind but I’m not a pushover for strangers who try to pretend like compassion is a competition. I hate competition so you can have the participation trophy. I just want to fill my life with sharing and inspiration and helping and empowering. Not to lord it over others but because it simply makes me feel good. Selfless and selfish working together is good for accountability. Don’t let anyone tell you they can’t balance well.

I will attempt to keep progress pictures along the way, some I might just hoard and post together in one post or album all at once. I never needed gratification to keep me going along the way. Anything worth doing is its own gratification throughout.

TMI: or For Women Who Want to Know Our Bodies

 A rare thing but I’ll start with an addition to the header and a disclaimer… 

This topic also applies to AFAB (assigned female at birth), basically anyone with a functional vagina and/or sexual drive. This isn’t exclusive to identities, but for the biological health of all. I can’t apply this specifically to trans-males undergoing hormonal treatments to introduce male traits since some parts of this topic cover a spectrum that leans towards estrogen-dominance. Female reproductive organ health is still a field full of unknowns and even speaking with others with female organs and health professionals alike cannot always provide a clear understanding or definite answer and I do my best to sort out if causation = correlation or if women who simply have similar experiences are dominating a conversation and the outliers may be hesitant to play the devil’s advocate or even be able to have visibility in a flood of responses. (I have been thinking of polling some questions and asking the answerers to color code their responses; red for yes, blue for no, or purple for inconclusive/undecided.)

Lengthy addition but the disclaimer will be shorter. This post will include my own experiences with sexual pleasure post-surgery, so some family or friends or sensitive people may not wish to proceed from here. This is your chance to bail so don’t come at me with anger or disgust because curiosity gets the better of you. On the other side, if you’re turned on, feel free to keep that to yourself. I’ll remind you that I am ace and unsolicited sexual advances are not welcome. This is for information purposes for women that have had similar procedures and are worried about how they will function after. Information should not be so difficult to find and the only way to relieve some of the anxiety of the unknown is to know the real-life experiences and possibilities.

As a refresher, I had a right unilateral oophorectomy, bilateral salpingectomy and a Novasure ablation, all things I’ve detailed in previous posts if you’re scrambling to figure out what those are. Plain speak summary is removal of right ovary (ovarian fibroma with presence of cysts), removal of fallopian tubes, and burning away of the uterine lining (radio frequency through a mesh net). These procedures were meant to restore the regular function of the remaining ovary, reduce the chance of menstrual irregularities and make sure the ablation did not cause a condition where the scarring extends into the tubes and causes excessively painful cramping. Because of this, along with the size of the ovary (11x11x4 cm in the final report), this is considered a major abdominal surgery and incurred a lot of uncertainty in the risks involved and the quality of life after.

Before getting into the sexual function category, I’ve mentioned previously some immediate benefits like the absence of bladder urgency, abdominal inflammation reduction and mobility restoration (or I pee normally, my stomach shrank and I can reach my feet again; sorry, but I’m not good with the plain speak but I do try not to exclude anyone. I also like to use my natural intellect and not dumb-down like I’m ashamed. And no, I don’t think those with smaller vocabulary comprehension are stupid or lesser, but I take pride in my self-education and think sharing it honestly is true to myself and gives others an opportunity to hit the books like I did). In any case, I wasn’t certain which benefits were due to surgical ileus (which is where your body limits unnecessary functions to focus on strengthening the immune system and healing process) or sticking around so I was hesitant to celebrate too early; glad for the relief but not unrealistic about them being a cure for chronic issues. I do still have acid reflux issues, bouts of insomnia, a slower healing issue in the largest incision, and a struggle for more than small bursts of vigorous energy. I do need to lose weight but I struggle to be cautious when I truly want to dive into a routine. I have no desire to count calories or restrict my diet but I do make mindful steps with portions and nutrition.

Well, that ought to scare off the thrill-seekers or at least make them work harder to skim for the juicy stuff so let’s get to the sexual function. Prior to surgery, I had issues with bad odor, rashes from pH imbalance, unpredictable and frequent bleeding and absolutely no libido. I’ve disclosed before that I’ve never had a super active libido (I could go months without stimulation/self-pleasure but generally, it was weeks apart) but when I was in the mood, I would have a couple dozen orgasms in about 30 minutes to an hour with the first in under half a minute because I would be fully aroused prior to the urge. I’ve been doing this since my early twenties; clitoral vibrations with a finger inserted to feel the spasms which also heightens the intensity, just feeling your own orgasms. Experiments with fuller penetration and different approaches to different erogenous zones but this was ideal and important in understanding why people might believe women don’t enjoy sex. Some of us just have very specific needs and are best able to fulfill them on our own.

I can’t say I would miss a libido particularly since I never invested my identity into it or consider it time wasted to lose it. For some women, it is important and I did wonder what would change about it. Whether or not it’s important to you, I do think my discoveries might offer insight to recovering women which is my only motivation here.

First off, I no longer have a strong or unpleasant smell so I’m not rushing to clean myself off. I do have limited lubrication but I think this correlates more with perimenopause. This isn’t a huge deal breaker and if you’re not familiar with KY insertables (a smooth gel capsule you insert via applicator like a tampon that restores natural lubrication for 24 hours), this is a super simple solution for that and also managed to dilute strong discharge and tame pH irritation. All things to note. Little to no discharge but little to no irritation. Aloe based creams work for the ‘little’ irritation but if you’re allergic, hydrocortisone will do the job. I actually find orgasms are much easier to reach and I still like the half hour to an hour duration, which means more. Again, because there’s no odor and little discharge, I feel cleaner and more refreshed, not like I’m cleaning up a crime scene. So worries about hormonal changes after major surgery crippling you completely are debunked here. And you’ll find most women do report positives, especially with removal of ovaries and/or uterus or anything other combination that stops periods. Periods and cramping tend to put a damper on, well, everything. I don’t miss the two days every month where I didn’t want to get out of bed, barely slept, and had to lay only on my sides and get up every hour to make sure I didn’t have a crime scene to clean up.

I don’t feel like ‘less of a woman’. If anything, our issues there stem from letting people define what we are. Understanding that my time on this earth is short even when it’s long, defining what fills my life gradually became dependent only on what makes me feel good and whole; helping and inspiring people, showing people a woman is a person capable of self-defining, always following my curiosity and sharing my discoveries to contribute to the efficiency of others passionate about pursuing those interests too.

I do know that once I release my words or art or products into the wild, I sacrifice some control of how they are received or treated but I’m also not responsible for honoring disrespectful, boring or unwanted feedback. Yup, sounds bitchy but only if you were expecting me to roleplay a fantasy I have no interest in. For those who understand or offer clever insight, these principles are mutual and the conversation enlightening and fulfilling.

But anytime I talk about sexuality or function, I have to throw down ground rules because some people try to cross lines of consent anywhere they can. Lay down some traps, scare off or catch the predators then I can get back to focusing on what precious time remains on the priorities I care to contribute to.

Maybe a trauma response, maybe a product of ADHD, I won’t deny those, but it’s my experience that if you’re not direct, if you’re giggly and fun and liberated, some mistake these things for naïveté, an invitation to flirt or a vulnerable target for perverse behavior so I have that knee jerk tendency to fully explain I’m having none of that.

When I do build any informational databases, I will be leaving personal anecdotes out of it but in these alpha stages of gathering info, I’m more forthright with my own experiences, on my own blog, in the interest of making it perfectly acceptable for women to relate personal experiences to others. Guiding a database with my personal experiences only just seems like a suspicious narcissistic display of ego and the searches we go on often have specific personal needs where each person needs to feel like it isn’t biased. Personal experiences are helpful but not for those seeking the most direct medical factual information, whether plainly or in medical terms.

And because I’m rambling a bit on the edge of insomnia, I’ll leave it at that. My intentions are only to provide some relief to suffering women (in all forms and identities but biologically relevant) so I do hope to pick through my own ramblings and assemble them more succinctly into a coherent form in the future. This blog is clearly not for my most organized and flawless epiphanies. Nor should it be! Social media is certainly less coherent but has its uses too. Blogs are for blunders! Just in a more ‘who is reading my diary’ kind of way. 

Everything to Everyone

 I’ve delved into aspects of my identity with vulnerability in the past but what seems to fascinate people the most about some of my lifestyle aspects is the why. It would be easy to dismiss it as being ‘born this way’ and in some ways, it can simply be boiled down to the personality or even how character develops it. It probably seems like I’m purposely choosing controversial and less understood stances (asexual, atheist, etc) but these labels are less a part of my identity and more permission to distribute my priorities differently. 

And yes, I could write a book on asexuality and the implications of mental disorder or trauma, but the same could be applied to most people’s sexual proclivities. Many people just closet the aspects that aren’t socially acceptable and still pursue them but have the nerve to feign the moral high ground. Some might be strongly influenced by trauma but since the spectrum of how a sexual abuse survivor ranges from abstinence to promiscuity, there’s no definitive way to accuse trauma of being behind every ‘alternative’ to the biological drives of procreation. In the same way, childless people can love children and even dedicate their lives to developing and improving the lives of children. And you know I’m going to cite Dolly Parton here as a prime example. There are many reasons why people’s sexuality is considered fluid and we all have motivations that determine its priority, ability to satisfy/pleasure, complete biological imperatives, hold social standing or create a sense of community and survival among others. It’s one of many flags that people can champion you for or hold against you, depending on how they want to justify their feelings towards you, but ultimately, you are the one that has to bear the consequences of those actions.

Talking about choice is iffy territory for preference, if only because some preferences are very much hard-wired while some of us reinforce it as a choice to avoid the social pitfalls and obstacles it presents to other goals we have in life. Ace (asexual for short) is both a constant and a choice because I’ve never been entirely certain. I do feel a little tingly when people are intimate in shows and movies and I have had a fascination with how sex can sometimes give away some pretty telling character traits. Yet I’ve experienced the ‘cold fish’ or detachment sensation when I’ve had people try for intimacy. I learned how to self-pleasure in my twenties and it created an awareness for the freedom of knowing how to rely on myself to maintain my libido and know how to seek what I want… then move on with my life.

I won’t go to TMI with that; I talked about it in great length when I released my first series of books which contains a great deal of bursts of eroticism yet never managed to be the central focus. It is comparable to how I think of these experiences, that asexuality was never meant to be a wall to keep people out or a challenge to be the one to break through. It just defines a lifetime of retrospection and introspection; I didn’t want to depend on anyone, either casually or monogamously, to fulfill this need. I didn’t want it to consume my time or energy or risk my health to pursue a physical connection. I certainly didn’t want an accidental pregnancy or an STI. My priority was to develop as an artist, a crafter, and to make that the hub of my social fulfillment.

And I feel like this needs to be said; too many people make the joke of asexuality on the biological level like there is no other interpretation of those word parts, despite a- meaning ‘without’ and sexuality being the PREFERENCE not the gender. Unless they also think bisexuality means hermaphroditism. And why stop there! Heterosexual would mean you’re the opposite sex of what you are born as (welcome to the trans community, straights!) and homosexual would be the new default since they would be the sex they were assigned at birth! You understand what is meant with this vocabulary and you’re either stupid or willfully ignorant if you hear some say they are ace/asexual and you assume they can reconfigure their sexual organs at will or need.

Atheism, to me, is a statement that I have no desire to engage in rituals or practices dedicated to a god or gods that don’t exist. I don’t doubt that people do believe in one or many but I’ve certainly studied religion to an extent and found it never could fulfill the promises it made. I feel the euphoria in my own creation, own the frustration of my own failures and mourn death because I will only have those memories of those lives and no existence as me beyond this one. I treasure this life and the lives of others because it’s tragic and precious and I do all I can to live alongside others and improve all of our lives because that is something that creates purpose in me. I’m not the kind and sensitive person I am because I fear what comes after life. I am this person because I treasure hope and goodness and harmony. I know that I am guaranteed nothing and many things will be grossly unfair and, like most humans, I will grasp to control situations that have no rationale or security. But I cannot believe in something on faith alone. I can believe in myself and sometimes other people but I have learned to wait for emotional upheaval to pass, then decide and take action. It was incredibly freeing to give up the ramblings of prayer to speak to myself and find the compromise between emotion and logic. Mythology is fascinating and I love to use it in fantasy, but I do not incorporate it into how I judge others or feel secure in the unknown.

Others can take these concepts and more and happily incorporate it into identity. Some do it healthily and others destructively. But my labels are minor aspects for me. My primary identity is creativity. I strive to develop how to communicate my perspective to study what I am capable of doing in the time I have. I have been sick for years and even in despair cling to hope I’d be able to thrive creatively again. I am still physically recovering but with a sense of optimism that once felt desperate and unrealistic. But I also never imagined I’d have a bladder that doesn’t rule my life and ever not feel twice my age. Whatever else life is or becomes, I know I will often redirect people from their confusion about my priorities, at least until I can satisfy them that there is much more to it than trauma or aberration from the norm. I am not here to convert others to my way of thinking; I stick around to remind others there’s a place for it.

Understanding can be hard or even impossible to reach, but I have always said that I am fine with acceptance. I don’t need you to reach uncomfortable levels of reflection to see things my way, but I do want to not be subjected to this idea that I need to be saved or fixed to coexist. Simply put, I can’t actually change minds against their will and that’s not my intention. As with all things, I just want to shed light on my humanity and the other nonconforming aspects as not inherently good or bad. We can’t paint others with the brush we use. We have to give others the ability to present their own stories.

It’s never that hard to imagine what other people would be without things we consider central to our existence. If we can remove condescension or accusation to ask why, we might be able to clarify. But always remember, no one owes it to you to explain the often abstract concept of a label. Google can answer that. If you want to know what it means to that person, most find it equally fascinating to give an answer.

We can’t be everything to everyone. We CAN define how our priorities can equal a completion of person.

Not rich, just resourceful

 In not so distant years, I might have been called the village idiot. Way too laidback (spoiler alert: masking high anxiety), always ready with a quick joke, seeming to stumble through life at the mercy of luck and chance. This is the constant struggle of the neurodivergent or neurodiverse. I prefer divergent myself because whatever you’re doing, I’m off doing the opposite; and no, not rebellion, a blanket mentality where competition can lead to similar results so I want to diverge and really test those possibilities. It’s become a lifelong project to find why methods don’t work for some and to find the ones that put us on equal or better footing so that we can strive to choose our own way in the world where others have failed.

A lengthy intro but stick with me. The reason I open that way is because of my foray into the world of product testing. Unlike most jobs, I don’t actually make money doing it. I stumbled, in my jesterly way, onto product research and testing sites, brands looking for more visibly through valid reviews. Instead of payment, they send a product I get to keep (in rare cases or studies, the product is an unreleased prototype that gets sent back in exchange for gift codes or some other compensation. Because some aren’t on the market, I am careful not to share any information concerning either the brand or product, even when I’m not expressly asked to keep it secret. Reviewing is my public commitment. If I sell or give away anything outside of the household, this can be terminated. But I’ve gotten amazing things I could never afford otherwise, so why not keep and enjoy them and not risk it? Resell is a nightmare of people wanting pennies on the dollar anyway.

And I’m not talking candy and tampons. In the beginning, I got simple things but then I started getting full sized ‘samples’ of increasing retail value. Robot vacuums, luxury bed sets, ceiling fans, a chef’s grade kitchen faucet, shoes, and even a top of the line TV. Some programs release sample opportunities infrequently but some release several a week. I’ve gotten offers from some companies that I’ve reviewed for before to participate in later studies and research. It’s surreal and…

I can honestly say I have no idea how it started. People think I’m being facetious but see the village idiot intro. Late at night when I can’t sleep, I spent some time just peeling through free stuff sites, usually just looking for a printable calendar or some other fun samples to occupy my time. If you’ve read previous blog posts, I was sick for years and didn’t know it. I was circuit training with my old friend Joe and we were nailing it, then I hit a burnout that sent me into a slump. The pandemic made it worse but when I attempted to get back in gear, my sister was dropping weight but I was struggling, losing mobility and energy and gaining weight even with carefully controlled water and electrolyte fasts. Exercise was getting harder and more painful in my abdomen. Before this turns into a post about that experience that I’ve detailed before, I labored to find work from home but my options got more and more limited. I missed writing so when I got back my first hit on an invitation to test products and write reviews, I was mildly curious. I was expecting canned tuna salads and little paper perfume cards you use and dispose, but what else did I have to do?

Unfortunately, I’m not going to be able to share much of where I get this. Fight Club rules and all that, but my major one was invitation only so if you stumble on the sign up for these which is often closed, you are extremely lucky. If you get that email to join, do NOT pass it up. Even once you’re in, you often compete with other members, so I have my email set to notify my phone and FitBit (the FitBit was a gift from my sister, btw; not everything I own is ‘samples’) for when the samples are released for selecting. Some of my opportunities are, again, with companies who are keeping knowledge of testing limited. Some are great products that need reviews to boost visibility in the market. Some aren’t doing so well and they want a glimpse at why. My reviews are expected to be honest and I write in thorough detail so the seller and potential customer are aware. Manufacturers sometimes want to know what needs to be changed.

It’s very possible my long history of writing detailed reviews for Amazon worked in my favor. I definitely expect they might research candidates before selecting and I certainly have an extensive public visibility that I manage responsibly. Personal social media presence is kept private; I do have public profiles available for character and work history but no one is entitled to profiles you maintain for friends and family. No company can insist to have access to those any more than they can read your diary. They will have to trust my integrity that I do not and will not betray that trust. In truth, I haven’t released any specifics in order to not accidentally do so. I love the purpose doing this gives me; years of bug reporting and honest reviews all made me perfectly aligned for this and I would never cross a line that severs that.

In the future, I may release my saved lists of products I’ve reviewed but this will only be if I no longer do this or feel it can’t violate any original agreements. I write about this now to confirm that this IS a thing and you can very well rack up gift codes and really nice products that might be outside of your affordability with a little resourcefulness. 

That being said, I keep the lists because I have considered making a résumé unique to my product testing experience and pursuing opportunities that might yield regular stable income and work from home flexibility. Work from home is the future of efficiency no matter what the billionaires say, trying to keep us in those horrid boxes with dividers between your neighbor’s bodily odor and obnoxious laughter. I look forward to continuing carving out my own hustle because you know most of my generation is in the work hustle for life. Not going to lie, no despair here; being productive is important to me even when I’m not feeling well. I WANT that feeling that my contribution has meaning and impact. Even if I could retire, I’d be the type to hate it and look for an excuse to work.

Although I can’t share most of my sources, I can give you some fun legit places to start. Influenster is hard to get into but also offers luxury products. They choose you rather than you getting to pick, just take those surveys until you’re chosen. Since getting and completing my first, I have steadily gotten samples. Like I said, I don’t half-ass and I aim for reviews to be thorough but to the point. Getting that first foot in tends to send me in full steam ahead.

Another valid one is Hatch by C Space. Use that whole name in an App Store or Google Play search because just ‘hatch’ gets you a bunch of not-the-right-one. It’s an orange and white logo when you see it. Sign up, set notifications to alert you to the weekly qualifier and look for the monetary ones. I have gotten food samples but mostly short surveys that let you choose a gift code option a few weeks later. Sometimes you get nothing for a while but I’ve gotten hundreds in gift codes around holidays for those shopping sprees that lighten that blow to the wallet. You won’t take surveys for several minutes just to see you don’t qualify. If you see the topic questions, finishing will get you the reward. Sometimes they have fun optional quizzes and raffles but they are not ever annoying frequent; I mostly wish I got a lot more activity from them but they do listen and improve over time.

So I’m not being stingy or hoarding the fortune; I love to share but I also take the responsibility of honoring the exchange. Be a time-wasting village idiot some time; it’s not the worst thing to be!

How else am I resourceful? I did write books but I’m kind of cornered in branding myself, so I’m shelfing that until I can organize a return to finishing my second series. You may have seen the dolls I have made based on characters in a book I have partially drafted but stopped working on. I set up my cheap writing laptop and have my notes together but I will need a refresher on the previous books; if not before continuing then I’ll need to edit continuity errors later. I crochet but solely to gift or create patterns to sell rather than making to order or selling. I have boxes of unsold stuff that will likely be donated because it’s hard to sell what you make, even harder to do custom if you don’t keep an expensive hoard to prepare for any crazy request. My patterns are doing surprisingly well for a little surprise income. I tend to throw that back into the Etsy landscape and support other artists and start my own crafts. I have been designing cards that I would eventually like to test and clean up to sell on Cricut Design Space. I’ve become a real fan of the pleasant surprise of passive income. I don’t ever make enough in a year for it to be taxable so it’s not living wage but I enjoy increasing my selections and hoping it might lead to that in the future.

So yeah; you don’t need to follow beaten paths just to be disappointed again and again that you just aren’t getting why you fail. Accept that these systems often work not for the hard working or the intelligent or the talented; many are wrought of wealth and connections and give far less gifted people much more opportunity to pretend they are better than the rest of us. Be resourceful and find your confidence. Learn to shrug off the critics and prove that there are other ways to navigate this crazy world. Be selfish and selfless in the ways you can live with. Value your intuition and conscience instead of trying to kill them to be the cold hard boss. I think the real revelation came when I finally stepped into a managerial position and learned it only makes the bigger sharks smell blood. They seethe when you laugh with the CEO when they quiver and drone and kiss ass. 

Being your own boss was another pain in the ass pursuit. Customers will haggle and dodge and drag and insult when they can’t name your servitude. I missed the buffer of getting my boss when the insufferable plagued me, but didn’t enjoy the hierarchy over all. Being your own boss was the extreme hard turn from the alternative, but I started looking at the median of passive income and have found some very interesting diversions to help me fortify my future pursuits.

The surgery was a huge step up. I’m finally able to start exercising. My stomach is still big but it went from Santa Claus after all the cookies to having to hold my boobs and look over them to find it. I can squat and bend and my hormones are regulating. I love my new lease in life and I hope the universe has much more time to pursue life before my end. My mom was so calm and open about death and I don’t want to fear it. I don’t want to fear pain and risk and what others think; I just want to inspire and share and find those secret gardens. 

So I leave you with the first secret garden I was given. 

5 Weeks Post-Op

 I’ve been able to return to some normal things and it’s much easier to reach my feet, but I’m still super cautious, getting the odd abdominal sensations of things still healing and settling into what will be normal. I’m still not lifting anything too heavy to say the least. I’ve been very faintly spotting for the past three weeks now and I super hope that goes away sooner rather than later; still hoping I don’t have a period at all but I’ll take light and short if not. The spotting is usually pink or red, watery, sometimes with pale tissue, not like a blood clot. Just looks like slow residual shedding. Still unable to tell where that is headed.

Still working on baby blankets for my expecting surgeon duo; very nearly done now. Sleep is sporadic but it’s summer vacation so I can enjoy a crazy non-schedule as I like. I was good for my nephew’s graduation which is what truly matters, what I had been aiming for. It would not have been easy to manage if I hadn’t had the surgery.

I’m thinking by next weekend, some of my more demanding crafts will be possible. By the following Monday, I’d like to get on a regular exercise schedule, try to ease into that. The smaller incisions are almost completely healed, the lower one giving me little issue but still tender. I feel a lot less cautious for those, mostly just how my insides are handling the drastic absence and nerve repair. I don’t want to overdo it and feel a sharp pain. Dull aches aren’t foreign to me, but no one likes hitting the sharp ones.

I’ll be psyched once I can dig into crafting again. Crochet has served me well and will be revisited a lot too but I miss my DIY and new curiosities as well.

Two Weeks Post Op Update

 The first week was where all of the drastic changes and challenges happened. The weekend after, incision pain was pretty harsh but it almost magically disappeared Sunday night shortly after a careful shower. I kept the incision clean and dry throughout so I think it was more a coincidence that the incision pain vanished around then, probably having more to do with the exercise and warmth of the shower than any part of the cleansing.

I’ve had some angry pinches in the right side where the ovary was, only when I twist or bend that area right now, so I try to favor the left side still and I do a sort of sumo squat to bend and not place too much bending pressure on the belly or incision just yet. I’m able to sit outside and pet my Stumpers better; the sitting is easy but the bending is of course a bit uncomfortable if not done carefully.

I do wear a binder; I’ve been increasing the time I use it, mostly when I’d like to sit up to crochet and sometimes it helps me sleep on my side for a bit. Side sleeping still feels a bit odd so I mainly do it to give my back and neck a change of pressure. I love how this one is built; I can wear it low or high and there are two additional pull straps I can use to personalize additional pressure points.

Today, I get to start picking off the glue and I’m excited for that. Hey, I’m an artist and most of us kind of purposely get a little messy for the love of peeling off some glue! 

I’ve needed a lot more sleep in the past few days but my FitBit surprisingly showed very segmented sleep patterns after surgery. I certainly felt like I had been sleeping better but I don’t think that the readings were inaccurate. I was likely just not registering the waking and falling back asleep not long after. I didn’t need to use the bathroom every time I woke up like one of my pre-surgery woes.

At this point, I just need to continue to pay special attention to my abdomen. I’m going to adhere to the healing period, another four weeks, before I attempt vigorous exercise or heavy lifting, but I would still like to gradually build up my walking stamina so I can work up to being ready to charge in.

I’ve been crocheting; I’m working on a dragon for my nephew (both nephews are getting end of school year dragons), baby blankets for my hero surgeons, possibly quite a few more since I have plenty of yarn and it’s a great relaxing craft any time. I do have a few other fun crafts I’ve lined up so after the dragon and blankets, I’ll let my mood decide.

I’m Still a Writer

 Although my health was failing for so long, I always held out hope of getting back to many of the things I lost the stamina to do. I used to look at my to-do lists, both long and short term, and feel a wistfulness, wondering when I’d ever get to return to them again. I certainly tried chipping away at things but it seems like I was always just tangling it into knots and making even less sense of it. I started smaller projects and even managed to finish some but it was wearing me down, wanting to dig so much deeper, getting pulled into that zone, quite outside of time and space. Until my body couldn’t handle it, I hadn’t been quite aware of how much the physical had such an impact on appeasing the chaotic bloom of ideas. Blooms that almost always turned into overripe celery sludge when given no air and light.

Since the surgery, I’ve had many women commenting on how my posts have given them courage and even that I am a great writer and I was so startled, I laughed. I was, wasn’t I? But until this surgery, I hadn’t been able to really find that spark. Nevertheless, yeah; I’m pretty good at making ideas interesting. And now writing is one of the painful things pushed aside that I can get back to as well. I started thinking of a novel idea I started doing research for. That’s the one I want to do when I am able. The book-writing muscle is rusty so I think a fresh start might be the way to get the engines going.

I can do that again; make long-terms goals that have a chance of getting done. I mean, I’m still recovering and it will take time to be able to concentrate on it fully, but I think I’d like to keep going with the research so I can launch into it. I am using some real world elements I want to have information for, but a great deal of it will be creative fiction so it won’t need a lot of preparation. Wow, I’m loving this.

I’m going to share with you the journal I made for the first week after surgery. I knew it would be helpful but it was such a bonus to hear someone enjoyed the writing itself. If you’re getting major abdominal surgery, you might also find it helpful! Formatted in Notes on my phone so I apologize for any display issues. 

Post-op Recovery Journal

At the hospital: nurses came in to keep checking on me. Danielle was the primary nurse. Surgery was pushed three hours due to complications on the person before me. IV was in left hand, quick and not painful, done around 9:30. Things were in motion by around 1 PM. Nurse check for confirmation of procedures. She helped me use the restroom before. Anesthesiologist (John) did the usual safety question check. Explained the procedure (more details in a bit). My surgeon/angel came in (Dr. Housely) and explained she wanted to do something a little different. Left incision would be smaller, larger bottom incision as needed. Open if needed.

Joey the head OR nurse wheeled me to OR room 3, introduced me to her helper nurses, Andrea and Krystal, after changing out the IV bag. They had me slide onto the operating table, tailbone over the hole and my back over the nonslip foam pad, lifting my hips to not drag it off. I was firmly strapped and BP was checked, sensors attached for vital sign check. He placed a sort of floating oxygen mask over my face; I would be intubated once under, hence a scratchy throat after. He was talking but I didn’t hear much because I felt some pressure in my head, loud humming in my ears for a few seconds then next thing I know I was waking up to my name being said. Incisions look good, bleeding was pink until I peed, some red and flaky blood when wiping but no pain. I walked on my own fine. Very crampy, lower incision kind of burny, stabby, but moderate. I was shaking like crazy at first, but she attached the heat tube into my fancy gown (Bair system gowns are awesome) and the shaking calmed down. It started in my inner upper thighs and moved into my arms; weird but not painful. Gave me small cookies and crackers and a Percoset, water and a coke. I burped quite a bit, but dry, not reflux burps.

Dad signed the discharge, got a folder with pictures and care instructions and I’ll get more info at the post-op. She said a gnarly cyst was in the fibroma; not surprised, also a genetic ‘gift’ passed down.

My gel pillow made it feel like the seatbelt wasn’t even on. Wasn’t hard to get in Dad’s SUV. Car ride wasn’t bad; used my legs to counter turns and stops so none of it was painful. Walking helps cramps better than anything. Oxycodone for the pain, also took Tylenol and Gas X once I got home. Jello is Amazing on my throat! Orange; I’m told red dyes are not a good choice.

Felt much better around 7 PM, head wooziness fading so might get sleep soon. Some lower back aching but not unbearable. I’m insanely happy that I got through it. Not gonna lie; I was terrified when I thought about the surgery itself but I just sat in the quiet room, concentrated on breathing and let the excitement overpower the fear. Think of life without fibroids and lessened or stopped periods. Sign. Me. Up.

Bladder is a bit more active but spotting is still minimal. Cramping comes and goes but is just mildly uncomfortable. Preferable to the norm!

Bleeding is stopped on pad for now, faint pink after emptying bladder and omg, bladder urgency is not constant! It’s a miracle. Squatting with upper thighs makes standing and sitting so easy. Getting the hang of my limits and gauging how to correct any discomfort. Heart rate is elevated from normal but I read this is normal post-op for a few days after but call if it remains after a grace period. Doesn’t feel like my heart is pounding, Fitbit just shows it elevated. Oddly, standing to walk, which usually raises it by up to 30 bpm when I’m moving around, stays exactly the same as when I’m sitting. Given that I’m not zooming around, it’s still odd that there’s no change at all. But good. I don’t feel my heart pounding when I sit down either. Noting this over the next few days.

But this is why I haven’t slept yet. Hard to sleep with a more active heart rate. I’m otherwise comfortable, no feeling of deep lethargy or exhaustion, just alert.

Day 2 PO (April 29, 2023): midnight now so I’m switching it up. Feeling relaxed more and gently tired. Being tired used to feel so desperate but this is just pleasant like it used to be many years ago. Going easy on the oxycodone; very likely I won’t need much at all. It does get rid of the odd sharp feeling in the big incision. I’m picturing it with shark teeth but the poor thing glued his mouth shut. It’s somehow both dull but pronounced with a little sharpness, mid range pain (like a 5?) so the oxycodone takes care of that. I won’t need it past that feeling because standing up and walking a bit takes care of the rest.

I’m just thanking my lucky stars that I continue to defy expectations assumed by my current puffy state and know I’m a physically strong and resilient woman that never neglected herself. I fought hard against some undesirable genetic card in the deck and am happy that the other cards I’ve stacked are in my favor. It’s very likely that even though the family line couldn’t lower the risk over time, those genes learned to battle around it. I cannot wait to be a powerhouse again.

My online support group has been everything through this and I’ve taken that knowledge and try to help out now that I’m able to be a contributor, not just a scared bundle of uncertainty. Underneath each one is a fierce woman, eager to feel confident in their best outcome. I’m so grateful to know them.

I’ve had a couple ‘quick naps’ feeling refreshed rather than groggy. Is this power napping?! I’ve been peeing better and regular water is keeping the throat soreness gone now. I’m a little more frequent with needing to get up to walk but I can hear the grumbles of internal gas passing through me normally too so I may be getting a bowel movement before long. I’m a little anxious since pushing at all is clearly not happening so it will be a challenge to go without doing so. I’ve always been a turbo pooper, get in, get out so it will be a learning experience doing what guys do and hanging out in the ass-cold office.

Pain got a little intense once the oxy wore off so another one it is. Starting to finally feel sleepy. Peeing just fine, perfect color so hydration is good, a little pink on the pad but very little. Stomach keeps growling, probably mad about all these soft foods but I’m going to hold off on graduating to oatmeal just yet. I’ve read that a BM might not happen until day 4, that days 2 & 3 can be the worst pain-wise. The nurse said I can shower today but I see a lot of things saying waiting until 48 hours is preferred. I haven’t been sweating at all. And what about frequency? I don’t do daily showers because they’re very drying even with good product. I wonder if it would be suitable just to run water over the front of me, just to make sure the incisions stay clean? But I don’t want to risk loosening the glue so how much? Looks like I have some questions again.

Asked and answered; I can wait three days before showering and I absolutely will. Days 2 and 3 are supposed to be the worst and I’m feeling that completely. I’m so hoarse and need to be diligent with the meds and ice packs. Day 3 is supposed to be the worst of the itching and tightness. I haven’t been sweating or being super active obviously so I’ll gladly wait. Lol I knew the first day was adrenaline inspired.

Rough morning but once I got to take my meds and supplements again, I’ve felt better. Missed my Vyvanse. And yes, I did clear it in conjunction with my pain meds as to whether they would play nice. And they do because I felt great right now. Sleepy but not painfully so. Sometimes I could sleep on Vyvanse but the tumor was a huge cause of the increased lethargy and now it’s gone so Vyvanse is feeling more effective. Well, a week without can do that too. Heart rate is back to normal. The nurse suggested I get on BP meds with my primary but this is an old song and dance; I get white coat hypertension where unfamiliar hospital settings shoot it up. My BP is always normal at my primary’s office since I’ve been going there longer and I’m settled in. I don’t get the high blood pressure symptoms that even signal it but I just agree and say I’ll schedule. When I explain myself, I’m often pressed to accept their brief assessment of something I’m much more versed in but end up nodding my head uselessly. I’ll monitor and if it stays high, I’ll schedule, but I guarantee it’s situational and the stress of this event, not a problem I need more meds for.

Ugh, to the point! Gas is freaky now. I have to wiggle and walk and counter it before it can hurt. Feel it gurgle and pretend like it’s going to come out but squirm back up. Just… no. I can’t push so it’s a tease. I’ve gotten like one and kind of one but you can’t have half a fart so a weird bubble that kind of felt like it was going to be productive but didn’t have any relief behind it. Yeah, I’m chasing the feeling of farts and making sure they hurt as little as possible. It’s mostly working. But I can look forward to at least one complete day cycle more of this nonsense.

And I still love it more than where I was. I love the courage and the determination, that I followed through. I felt like I wasn’t doing that enough, falling back into depression. I was taking a stimulant meant to help me function and falling asleep half the day because my fibroma was just devouring my life force. Leaving just enough of me to keep feeding, but not leaving enough of me for me to exist anymore. I was pain and tiredness that wasn’t quenched by sleep. I was effort that never became ease. I was hope that never became fulfillment. And now I’m playing with bubbly painful farts and understanding that pain is the gate that makes sure I will not take the prize for granted. This is my strange new transition under my own terms, the price I knew to pay for the prize.

Waxing poetic but I feel the gas build in my chest and know it’s about to not feel good so mentally taking the liberties of pleasure. And I’ve been awake far too long, insomnia being another known price. But I feel the gentle pull of sleep and silently beg the gas to resume mischief after a proper rest. 

Long day, long entry. Four and a half hours left but I’m hoping the bulk is spent getting fulfilling sleep. My throat is feeling much better after chloraseptic cough drops. Glad I asked dad to get some for my pesky hoarse throat. He was fussing over me so much and I’m touched but he really wanted to go golfing this weekend so I laughed and told him to have at it. I’m at peace with this pain and know to get help rather than exacerbate it.

Day 3 (April 30th): now technically this is partly into day 2. Mentally, I’m going by the 24 hour period from the time I woke up. It was around 4 PM on Friday when I came out of anesthesia in the recovery room and I was told surgery was under two hours. Around 4:30 is when I was given a Percoset 5mg for pain management, spasming like I was cold, but confused since I didn’t feel cold (later learning it was indeed spasms that heat took care of quickly). So I’m in the second 24 hour period after and will be until around 4 PM today. 

I was told this Day 2 phase, gas was the name of the pain. Very accurate. In fact, right around the mark of Day 2, I could feel the movement, sudden pressing pain of backed up gas and falling short of escaping through the back door. But I learned to shift my hips and body and try to direct it willfully without restricted pushing. Standing and sitting, I’ve found ideal ways to get it to come out. In so far, little and barely satisfying but just enough relief that I don’t dread that feeling of it joining the rest to cause pain shortly. More small walks.

I did get a solid six hours sleep and I do mean SOLID, in a way I haven’t done in a long time. No waking with the strong urge to pee. I did hit with a bad wave of nausea last night before it passed and I was able to sleep. I needed Markie to wrap the abandoned oatmeal I couldn’t finish and put that and my coffee in the fridge. I was able to eat the oatmeal just now. Sore throat is back so I’m sucking on the chloraseptic drops though it’s stubborn about sticking around this time. I can tell the throat is still swollen and healing but no obstruction, just a bit of tightness of inflamed tissue. Was able to get up, brush hair, put on deodorant, feed cats wet food, use bathroom and change pad (no spotting just keeping it fresh), and walk a bit before situating back onto the couch, pillows propped under knees.

I can hear baby Stumpers wanting her food now so I hope Ryan remembers!

Feeling just a tad nauseous but the oatmeal might be a bit much. I need Ryan to get my ice pack (if he comes down), otherwise I’ll pop some Tylenol until I can manage to try to get up again. It’s raining this morning but peaceful and I feel the calm. Ready to battle the gas pain; read that it generally takes 48 hours from the time of surgery to evacuate so I’m hoping it will do so and I’ll feel another clear transition around 4 PM again.

But I hear Day 3 is the impossible itch. That is considered to be the worst day after surgery so I’m nervous but the future is non-existent and the present gas pain is plenty occupying right now. One thing at a time. First, we will work on sleeping through the gas discomfort or being awake to actively direct it. Supposedly it finds its way through regardless, just a matter of finding relief if it causes pain.

The oatmeal may be a regret but the soup helped and I know I need some semi-solids to try to avoid constipation. I do have laxatives waiting if necessary but those can be a bit much when I am able to push even, so it could be a painful risk. 

Ah, need to take my Miralax dose though, can’t forget that. Really hoping Ryan doesn’t forget to come down…

Day 4 (May 1): couldn’t update for a while. Sometimes all energy is used up, no extra. Gas pain has had breakthroughs, digestive noises in stomach starting to kick up. Aiming to shower tonight if I can keep the healing where it needs to be. Had to cave and take a Percoset since today the pain has an edge; even the IV site on my hand is complaining like a brand new bruise. Walking was harder this morning. Keeping the Miralax going but bowel movement still not seeming close. I’ll be a bit less anxious once I can clear that hurdle but it may be a day or two before I get there. Getting the hang of getting up; I was struggling for that energy for a bit too. No bladder urgency but when I feel gas discomfort, I make a trip to the bathroom and try to get a nice satisfying air expulsion going. I get up every couple hours when I’m awake. I remember when the amount of pee that comes out wasn’t this much. Just so much urgency for so little. Gone are the days when I would have to pee before falling asleep and still need to pee every half hour if I couldn’t fall asleep after. It’s what I keep reminding myself when recovery is taxing. And my ovary was in major distress. It could’ve gotten so much worse over time. When the energy is scarce, I just silently say ‘I did it.’ I fought for myself and I braved the big change and the prize will come.

Note on recovery positioning: a great deal of the worst parts have been relieved by a regular routine when sitting and standing. To get up, I move my legs on either side of the two pillows behind my knees and lift them to my side one at a time, leaving the legs spread to press down on my feet while I rise onto my elbows then wrists to shift enough weight to press the elevated leg rest of the recliner. Most effort is shifting weight into my feet to close it down first. Sitting back down, I do the same as when I sit on the toilet; spread the legs wide enough that the swollen belly is cradled between them when sitting. Scoot with weight in feet to position back before reclining. Activate release while pressing down with feet to control speed, spread legs, stack the two knee pillows and just straight leg lift up and over, folding legs into position that lets me use legs to lift hips for gas. Ball up blanket, holding top and tossing the heavier wad down to cover feet. Recline chair as needed. I don’t like it fully back because I don’t feel well too far back, still enjoy the pressure and angle of a 45° lean mostly.

Percs always make me too woozy. Had to cave but it needs to wear off or there’s no way I can manage a shower later.

And before the 72 hour post mark came, finally a BM! I had a few more solids today, some shrimp and crackers, and I’ve been taking the Miralax since 2 days before. Gas smelled a bit less pleasant so I decided to bear down just a bit and that was all the encouragement it needed. Almost the consistency of toothpaste, greenish (I did have blue and orange jellos early on), terrible smell and quite a bit of it but not a toilet clogger, thankfully. 

But I feel a bit better because that’s confirmation my body is at a normal pace and fully moving again. I should be able to eat more normal foods. And tonight I’ll take a short shower, see how that goes. Tomorrow or the day after, I’ll head back up to my bedroom, which I really miss. I have those memory foam mattress toppers that would just be a challenge to attempt getting on and off of too soon. Will feel amazing to be able to again though.

Shower was fine, just wanted to get it over with. Belly is so saggy without the mass there so it’s just odd to touch. Incisions are fine, just let the soap and water pass over it. Challenging to get dressed; new mesh underwear but I wish I had more of the pants I was changing out of. These aren’t as comfortable with my swollen belly. I may attempt a trip upstairs to get some of my pajama pants if it makes it hard to get more rest. I hope the binder isn’t similarly uncomfortable but I think it will be less uncomfortable that a waistband that’s too snug. Weight distribution matters.

Really after the BM, I feel a lot less nervous. I do feel moody but my sensory tolerance is really picky so light and sounds can be too much too fast still. Feeling better by far though.

Day 5 (May 2): a little woozy waking up from a nap but percs will do that. Won’t miss those once I don’t need them to soften the incision pain. Again, no bladder urgency on waking after hours sleep. I cannot get over how much I love this. Definitely wasn’t diabetes, years and years of neglectful doctors. Need more sleep to kill the nausea though.

Bad gas and stomach cramping on getting up. Ate some soup, peppermint tea, heating pad and rancid farting. Drinking water to try to keep things moving in the right direction. Haven’t had vomiting and I’d like to keep it that way. I’ll take a Percoset and sleep as soon as I get my body calm again.

Got some loose smelly stool out, hoping that will extend into some relief. Definitely cool to not worry about constipation. Going to stick to water to flush the system a bit. No rush I’m going back to a regular diet just to have to manage side effects. Gas is clearly still not easy to dispel.

Ugh, can’t wait to be done with Percoset. They knock out the stomach pain but they never don’t feel like a massive hangover at some point. Not a good trade at all.

Able to eat pasta and garlic bread for dinner, getting off of couch is easier, can lie flatter to sleep too.

Day 6 (May 3): able to stretch a bit more but abdomen gets itchy. Lightly tickling abdomen with fingernails helps relax off sensations. Gas is passing a lot easier. Nausea from percs still awful but abdomen is definitely still capable of sharp soreness. Hoping binder can cut down on it. Sick of narcotics. It’s the most unbearable trade off.

More sleep, looks like in three hour chunks at the moment. Noticed some bladder leakage when trying to sit on toilet with full bladder; just minor dripping, nothing too concerning. Trying to avoid taking a perc because of the nausea but when the incision pain gets a little too real, I always cave in. Haven’t really been detailing what I’ve ate or drank… just had some beef veggie soup and crangrape. Incision pain is surfacing so I guess I’ll cave. I just ate so it might absorb some of my least favorite part.

Finally upstairs, the cats and I are both happy to be in our sanctuary again! Sleep should be amazing. Will shower tomorrow. Percs still causing nausea but still better than the heavy belly pain. Hope that changes in the next two days. 

Day 7 (May 4): almost euphoric… I’m recording this at the end of the day instead of throughout because I was somewhat mystified. It started out with some cramping but I resisted the urge to begrudgingly take a painkiller; plugged in the heating pad, ate some crackers, drank water, took a nap. Woke up to my sweet kitty, sleeping gently on the big incision: best heating pad ever.

Once I got up, I ate a personal sized chicken pot pie and realized o hadn’t had a BM in a couple days so I decided to eat some sugar-free mints; this has always worked to get my bowels moving in the past. Worked again. The smell was completely foul but it was satisfactory.

Was able to get in the shower and clean carefully. The weather was amazing today so I did a lot more walking around the backyard and enjoying the day. Did some light chores (no lifting or deep bending or anything; my mental priority was to move mindful of what my body was ready for!). My moods were really high and even and laidback and serene. This is me. The me that I thought was lost. I always held out hope for her to return and I can actually embrace it. It’s no longer just a temporary feeling beat down by pain and exhaustion.

I started crocheting again too. I have so many crafty ideas flowing in, but with focus, not overwhelming and leaving me doing nothing. I feel it like it’s a clear and doable plan. 

And yeah, I want to hit the ground running but healing cannot be forced. My body needs gentleness even as my mind is tickled with all the changes. Luckily crochet is not an intensive goal and I’m more than happy to focus on those projects until I can handle ones with higher labor needs and stamina. 

But I’m getting there. Tomorrow will be the first week. There will be 6-8 total before I can really start pushing. But I can keep hydrating and eating well and giving my body that time it needs. This was a rare chance and being impatient and ruining its long-term benefits would be another tragedy. I’m doing this right because I am not ungrateful in honoring the process.

Day 8 (May 5): I really didn’t expect things to go this well with recovery. I’ve had some headaches since last night but they feel more like seasonal gripes than directly related. I’m doing well coping with the pain without needing to take the edge off. I’m enjoying taking some time to try to share my experience for others. Luckily, the physical healing hasn’t left me too vulnerable to talk about it.

Still a bit of a headache, bottom scar can feel heavy even with the binder on. Walking is still the best way to make it and my systems feel better and get moving again. I wouldn’t say I’m pushing it but I do often test if I can attempt doing something on my own. I know all too well how pushing anything could saddle me with longer term issues so mentally I need to remind myself this is where it matters and there’s no reason I can’t be cautious now and leave it behind me later.

Felt a little better after taking my daily meds. Stimulants always help painkillers work so that could be part of it. So nervous about this post-op. All I’ve been through over the years and now I just want this chapter to be over. I need that biopsy to say no more problems and to be able to focus on healing and just scheduling a regular checkup. I need to truly have my life back, to not just be trudging through until the next results come in. I so desperately want to hear ‘it’s benign as usual, no worries’ but I do not have a life so charmed as to think that was is most likely will be my blessing as well.

And pathology came back clear! Whooooosh goes the pent-up breath! I told my doctor I really admire her work, impressed with handling my giant ovary. 266 grams. Wrap your head around that! She is optimistic the ablation may mean no periods since the spotting after was negligible. Bruising at the incision sites but she said I’d be good to remove the glue next Friday and ease back into that life I thought I’d never have back.

I’m so ridiculously grateful to her and look forward to crocheting her and the assisting surgeon baby blankets since they’re expecting. With such strong and caring mothers, they couldn’t be getting a better start!