It’s Coming Out…

Well, today is the day I went and got the HIDA scan and while I wasn’t expecting a stellar gallbladder, I also was not at all expecting a 9% ejection fraction. And I know that most people have no clue what that means (I didn’t either), between 35-40% is passing functional, with 70% and above and 35% and below both being strong risks for removal (cholecystectomy). So 9% isn’t just borderline bad, it’s significantly low. I go next week for the next steps but I’m under no illusion about avoiding surgery here. With the abdominal and digestive distress and nausea, I was already preparing for this to be the case.

And surgical complications aside, I’m mostly looking forward to seeing some of these symptoms kick rocks. Aside from the incision site soreness, my last surgery gave me this incredible insight into listening to my body and taking the good with the bad. I do still have to follow a gastritis and liver friendly diet but with the gallbladder being gone, that’s one less trigger to content with. Life without gallbladder’s list of smaller meals, less fatty, spicy and acidic foods are already something I’ve been maintaining for months (if not years; moderation but not restriction and awareness of the risks of discomfort if I do exceed anyway). 

Still, finding something is always part anxiety part relief. Early finding means being able to get to something before it’s an emergency or cancer risk. I’ve used what I learned about paying attention to symptoms to advocate for this change and it actually feels good to know I do know my body well enough to insist something isn’t right. And to not fear the guilt of ‘wasting someone’s time’ if it’s nothing serious. We can’t know but it’s best to err on the side of caution. I haven’t been wrong yet and I’m proud of myself for pushing past old fears and rejections to insist on looking at what could be causing repeat discomfort or pain.

I told an old friend once that I’m broken. I think they might have seen it as giving up or not taking risks but I meant it quite literally. I hadn’t been diagnosed for the ovarian issue yet and that cost me more than half my life in physical and mental distress before I even knew the source. And I continue to have vision issues (I had high pressure in my left eye that went away post surgery and became astigmatism, like it deflated and deformed the shape of the eye itself) and ongoing digestive distress from where it pressed against my sigmoid colon, bladder, gallbladder, stomach and spinal nerve. I have never had a normal sex drive or interest. So when I said I was broken, I wasn’t being poetic but, as I said, quite literal. I can’t be dismissive about the pain and anxiety that left permanent marks on me. And I’m not about to be ashamed or overcompensate to please others. I didn’t say it with shame or some odd sense of pride either, just matter-of-factly. I am broken. It’s not a disability but I am very much shaped by the struggle to make my body do what I want it to do. I struggle for energy and stamina and sometimes just finding my niche. I don’t exactly fit anywhere so I need people in my life who aren’t looking for where I go. If you’re meant to be in my life, you won’t be ashamed of me or feel the need to explain why you’re my friend. It’s your self-esteem that suffers if you can’t defend your friends as their own people. Quite frankly, I’d rather be alone than treated like a shameful secret. The people that value me have never had to bring me low to raise themselves up. I don’t need to tell most of you that that is a toxic relationship. Please, do not ever stay around someone you feel is beneath you or even better than you. Healthy relationships are about equality and embracing those differences. I’ve said it countless times before but comparisons kill clarity. They’re highly subjective and stunt your growth if they’re not constructive.

You can’t really have a talk about physical health with a dive into mental health. Remember that in a state of physical illness, you really have to look for those mental vulnerabilities and take care how they affect the physical. It’s all too easy to be too hard on yourself when you’re weakened by pain and doubt. Look for support where you can. If not with others going through something similar, they by fortifying yourself to understand your mental state might need some pep talks from the self.

Losing It (Not My Mind)

 Just an update on my health issues here. Starting with weight loss, other than a bit of an upset where I gained 2 lbs instead of losing 8 like previous months, I got back on track and lost 6 lbs, so I made it to 215.6 this morning. This means I’m 1/3 of the way to the goal weight of 150, having lost almost 30 lbs since December 4th when I started.

For those who are curious, it’s mostly diet and outdoor walks when the weather allows, housework pulls a lot of duty on bad weather days though. Breakfast is typically tuna salad on whole grain bread or multigrain crackers or egg with salsa on toast. Banana bread is another variation occasionally, as is oatmeal with fruit. Lunches are typically 1/2 cup of lentils in half a can of soup, occasionally a turkey sandwich with mustard and Swiss or provolone. I also make batches of Mediterranean pasta salad (whole grain rotini, feta, Kalamata olives, grape tomatoes, cucumbers, chickpeas, and a homemade red wine vinaigrette). Dinners are typically 5 oz chicken breast, baked or pan cooked in olive oil with garlic powder, salt, and pepper. Sauces for the chicken include buffalo ranch, sour cream Dijon with dill, tomato pesto, teriyaki (sometimes with Swiss, red onions, and pineapple rings), avocado (with sour cream, salsa, garlic and lime), and hoisin with sesame oil. I might add more but I loved all of these so I’m content to prep 8 dinners at once, 2 each with four different sauces. These also have a side of veggies including asparagus, cauliflower, carrots, broccoli, green beans and/or potatoes. On occasion, I’ll eat tacos or farfalle Alfredo or even pizza if I make room for them but they’re higher calorie, sodium and saturated fats so those are rare exceptions. Snacks include Greek yogurt with chia, flax and hemp hearts, raw almonds, apples with peanut butter, bitter dark chocolate but I really deviate on snacks a lot and let that be a mood. It sounds like a lot but it’s cheaper than you think to whip a lot of it up in batches. Another occasional addition is homemade sushi rolls, typically with crab, avocado, cucumber and cream cheese, but you can’t store these for too long and it’s a lot of prep so I don’t often do this, as much as I love them. I prefer the things I can freeze for a week or two and heat up as needed.

Jumping to general health, BP meds have given a very slight drop in BP. I’m experiencing a lot of nausea and abdominal distress still and I’m scheduled for a HIDA scan to see if the gallbladder polyps means it needs to come out. I’m kind of hoping the solution to getting rid of the added digestive stress is that simple to correct. It’s not a complex surgery and my sister had it done and was back to normal in a little over a week. The gastritis I’m just not sure if it will be as easy to resolve or remain chronic and be a cancer risk. I hate these tentative ones but I’ll remain focused on weight loss which can do a lot for symptoms. After so many setbacks, I’m just so relieved I can lose weight at all because I had so many obstacles in the attempts. I had thought the ten pounds I lost after ovary surgery was a good start but complications elsewhere were always possible and I had to summon a lot of strength to keep advocating for my health.

Creatively, I’m not a force right now but I’m not dried up either. I’ve been building the mini houses and have slowly acquired the stuff to make a proper diorama for them. Since the nausea hit a couple weeks ago, that’s been on pause. If all I can do right now is focus on diet and exercise, to fight to earn back the energy and focus for my creative pursuits, I am embracing that and keeping my cognitive function as flexible as possible. Mostly doing logic puzzle type games on my phone, as much as I can without nausea interrupting.

Aging is fucking scary. Aging with grace is a privilege not everyone has. None of us like to be here but it’s inevitable. I just aim to do as much as I can with this life while I can. I don’t need some grand return. I just strive for peace and kindness and contributing to that for others as much as possible. Just with as little socialization as possible because people… y'all wear me out. I really can only take so much before I just want to be alone and interpret my experiences.