Big Changes Have to Be Selfish

 And as I’ve said before, there’s nothing wrong with that.

I’ve been scarcer about my digital trail these days but I’m enacting some much needed life changes and I’ve always been the self-motivating type. I didn’t want either encouragement or discouragement and I didn’t want to resort to the old habits of telling too many people what my plans were only to break them. I needed pure personal accountability, not an unwilling audience to beg platitudes from.

I quit smoking back in mid-January. Not cold turkey, but weaning with nicotine gum, which at least let my lungs heal from smoke damage and get rid of the cough. Really, the less you think about it, the less you talk about it, the easier it is to not get hit by cravings or start to psychologically miss it. I needed at least a solid month of it behind me to finally admit I was serious about quitting. Either way, there was still some irritability and risk of giving up so the less I talked about it, the better.

I also realized the effort made me gain an unsafe amount of weight again and I reverted to a weight loss diet and more exercise. Winter was rough and my muscles were tough to move. On top of that, seasonal depression smacked me hard this year. I didn’t want to share that because there’s nothing anyone can do and it’s another thing I know is best to let run its course. I’ve had to adjust to feeling hungry and peeing a LOT as my body is made to adjust to increased hydration and lower calories. But it’s a temporary setback; once I’ve lost the right amount of weight, a maintenance diet is a lot more forgiving. As long as I walk at least 10,000 steps a day and eat for maintenance, I don’t have to worry about gaining it back. I would actually like to do a more rigorous exercise program eventually; I have gorgeous lean muscle sculpt if I put in the extra effort. I might be genetically fucked in some ways, but I’m pretty gifted with muscle mass.

I’ve also put myself on a creative hiatus. I was forcing it too much and I started to resent all of it. I’ve done a little crocheting here and there, even poked at my doll projects a bit, but writing, drawing and editing are all on temporary hiatus and I’m not pushing them right now. I’m using a great deal of energy since I quit smoking and started dieting and exercising. Once I can build up stamina, I’ll likely get slammed with a reserve of creative energy so there’s no point in forcing a constipated trickle right now. In time, I know being physically healthy reaps mental and creative rewards. Giving myself ample time to really crave my creative return. 

I let myself go into neglect and crawling back out inevitably means I’ve had to say no more or even neglect just explaining my absence. I’ve had some friends go silent or even hostile about me moving away. I can’t coddle their feelings and, anyways, we’re adults; they can get the fuck over it or let a petty grudge keep them bitter. I can’t maintain the energy to help them work out their own feelings when I’m struggling with my own. I didn’t ask them to run it by me every time they fell in love or got married or had kids and they went silent on me. I’ve always understood that growth and change require a shift in priorities. Perhaps my problem is that, having not done those things myself, they’ve gotten too used to me always being available to them. 

But really, I’m 45 minutes away. Get the fuck over it, get in a car, come visit. We’ll grab lunch at my favorite café here and I won’t even ask why you ghosted me. You had feelings to work out, but if you’re ready to grow up, no hard feelings. I’ve never been conventional or socially correct, so while I’m sorry you feel like I left you out or left you behind, I’m never sorry that I did what I needed to do to adjust. Your girl survived well into her 30s with undiagnosed ADHD and I’m not going to apologize for practicing self-care now. How I made you feel, it’s valid too, but I can’t beg you to get over it. You will or you won’t. I’ll think about you more than you know, but I’m not going to waste time mourning the loss either. 

I hate to say it, but it’s always the females. My male friends still message or even visit. But I get deep in my feelings too, so I’ll give it time. Honestly, I kept the whole moving thing quiet because it really didn’t seem like it was even going to happen until, bam, it did. Then I had to focus on packing and time got away. I don’t text often as is; didn’t even touch my phone for months through the moving process.

And I survived a week without WiFi.

Either way, the fact that I’m opening up more about the last few months is proof I’m lining up in a better place. There’s still a lot of progress to be made. I’ve only lost a few pounds of the 15 I gained trying to quit smoking. I have more than 50 to lose after that. Don’t bother asking how it’s going; I’ll blabber when I’m ready. 😂 In a few months time, you might see proof of a creative explosion. Just gotta be a bit selfish and single-minded a while longer.

Social media kind of conditioned us into thinking we need to maintain an audience. I’m a little bit old school there; I don’t want an audience until I’ve got a damn good show going. Working on it!😜