Yay, Late Presents!

 As an adult, I’ve never been disappointed when someone says I have a late present coming. Of course, the sad truth of my life is that I’ve often been told to expect presents that never ended up coming so the first surprise is always that it actually came at all. But childhood disappointments are adulthood’s practicality and skepticism; some of us will learn how to adapt and not develop expectations while some of us will just keep trusting and being disappointed. I’m not gonna lie; I was late to learning not to take people at their word and to instead wait and weigh their actions. 

Honestly, I didn’t remember my sister saying I had a bigger present coming later. I was really good with the slippers she got me on Christmas. They’re my favorite kind, with the shallow backs, fur lining and the rubber soles so they could handle short trips outside. So when she told me shipping was wonky and my ‘other present’ was late, I was surprised. She must’ve told me that already but I don’t retain information sometimes, especially if it’s dropped casually in a phone message and I’m in the middle of talking about something else.

So it came today and I was stunned. I’d talked about getting one but honestly didn’t know where I’d put it: a Cricut Explore Air 2. All of a sudden, I was super motivated to make it fit. I spent about an hour rearranging my desk and dolls and it actually fit perfectly on the far left side of my desk. I ended up buying a desktop hutch so I can organize it better once that comes, but I’ve never been upset when it comes to organizing. Anything that can give a bit of floating clutter a better home is more peace of mind for me.

In any case, it was a bit of a challenge setting it up too. I have an early 2009 iMac that is still running like a champ but the minimal requirements are for OS 15 and up. My iMac stopped upgrading at 11 (El Capitan) and even my MacBook quit before Mojave (not too much younger; it’s a late 2009). I was still determined to make my computer work so I dug around on Reddit and found that the quick fix was downloading a root certificate to the keychain access (even if you’re technologically inclined, that’s probably toeing the line of head-spin gibberish territory), basically manually downloading a permission file that is automatically upgraded when you upgrade your OS but those of us in the OS graveyard no longer get neatly handed to us. Although the Cricut Design Space warned me I might not have ‘optimal usage’ I gave zero fucks; apart from speed issues, there’s no actual hardware integration that is missing from older computers that they can’t handle a communication between a design program and a cutting machine. But thankfully, I’m both a professional designer and a nerd so I didn’t even blink at the warning. That’s right; I’ll Frankenstein this computer just shy of its Thelma and Louise style departure. We’re in it for all it’ll give me.

So I got past that little hurdle and managed to excitedly churn out a test cutout. Then I actually decided to read the instructions and learned there’s a button clearly marked OPEN so I also don’t have to pry it open with my fingernail every time too. Good to know. Leave it to me to solve a technical issue before I find the damn Open button. I researched cutting blades, mats, media types and I’m super psyched that it can cut fabric for my doll clothes patterns too. It’s been a while since I’ve been psyched to try out some new tech but this one just makes so many arduous tasks I used to do completely by hand that much easier. I’m glad it was gifted instead of something I eventually bought much later and didn’t realize what a timesaver it would be. I really look forward to flexing my design chops by loading up some original designs too.

It’s definitely a cherry on the top of a crazy year. Something to look forward to into a new one. Here’s hoping my muse comes crashing through 2022 and I can blow some minds (including my own—it’s a little known secret that I’m usually even more surprised that other people by what I’ve managed to accomplish. They call it impostor syndrome, but in truth, I just can’t retain or quantify what I do. I never feel the immensity of it and have to constantly remind myself to remember I’m worthy of setting a high value on it. I don’t even have the ego to bolster it either). 

One thing I always attempt to reinforce is that ADHD is not a superpower nor a disability. It’s a challenge and one I struggle to control. It can be a trial to my creativity and make me unreliable. This is often why I do client projects very quickly and well. I do not retain or finish anything I do half-assed. I would love to be able to pace myself and slow down or stop and start at will for continuing projects but  there’s always an anxiety that once I stop, I’ll fizzle out. It has happened enough times that it’s not an unfounded fear. I’m a firecracker or I’m a dud. Although ADHD awareness is starting to help me integrate me into social and work situations better, it can still be difficult when working with older generations and agencies/clients that aren’t quite caught up with the times. It’s not surprising to me that people with ADHD are often attracted to creativity; outside of odd professional expectations, art is still a refuge for a chaotic mind and can be our way to contribute to the inventions, entertainment and mental respites that humanity needs. We can heal our own frustrations while contributing to the betterment of the world.

I’ve done some pretty neat jobs along the way. I did a body sketch to be used in identifying injuries in police reports. I designed a website banner for an organization that improved the quality of education for grade school students in India. I did a logo for a theatre group forum looking to connect actors better to auditions whether they had an agent or not. Every time I’ve done a logo or a brand or a flyer, I do manage to retain a small story behind it. Visuals are powerful containers for my memory, almost as much as smells. Although each of these jobs makes for a much more interesting résumé, the formats still cling to the old chunk of time with x company and referential proof. Despite my social challenges, I feel like my power isn’t even touched in a résumé, that the real appeal is in the portfolio, the collection of images of both clients and passion projects and even curiosities that led to designs with no set purpose but solve a unique problem or fulfill a purpose.

That’s why, even when I’m stuck in a burnout or trickle, I know I’m still a powerful artist, a formidable creator. I get back on my programs or projects and it’s like I never stopped. I don’t lose what I didn’t use and sometimes I’ve managed to improve without practice. Sometimes those breaks lead to breakthroughs in thought or intuition and simply wanting something to happen sends me on a search for how I will make it happen.

So here’s another tribute to the unconventional. We don’t fit in boxes and we have our challenges, but we sure as hell belong. The world doesn’t need to accommodate us, just give us room to do what we do best; make the world a kick ass place.

Once we get out of our own way. Let’s be honest, we blame ourselves plenty for that too.