If It Ain’t Broke… j/k, It’s Broke

 I’ve said it before but I can’t say I’m surprised that surgery only fixed some of the problem… and some of the problems left are just as bad.

The foot issue hasn’t been resolved but without signs of advancing deterioration, surgical options are too soon to consider. He gave me a cortisone injection in the joint which only sort of helped. The toe still pops like it’s dislocating and it’s not a fun feeling. But I can walk okay though long walks aren’t in the cards; even short walks can trigger sharp but fast fading pains. So that issue is a work in progress. Sigh.

The latest issue is… what is looking very strongly like another hormone imbalance, this time from the thyroid. I started losing energy and sleep over the past few months and at first, just chalked it up to perimenopause. However, I have this feeling where the thyroid is located of something being stuck or just constant weak pressure, like turtleneck or choker pressing against it. It doesn’t hurt and it’s not sore, but it can affect my breathing and swallowing (just making it slightly more difficult) which in turn, can keep me awake. I’ve tried correcting my posture and lying flat, etc. but it seems like tea, deep breathing and drinking fluids seem to distract me enough until it fades enough to sleep. Mind you, none of those things actually help the problem go away, but they distract from the feeling until it eases up.

And the symptoms creeping up more and more like joint and muscle pain, lethargy, acne spots becoming scaly, puffiness in my face and hands and feet, every time I follow the symptoms, they have hypothyroidism in common. I’m not 100% of course because it takes a blood test and examination to confirm that but the signs are just pointing to it. And maybe I’m even hopeful that’s ‘all it is’ so a pill can treat it. I’m so tired of the possibility of more surgeries. I’m not getting stronger or healthier and the risks just pile up.

So I tried omeprazole at my doctor’s suggestion but it didn’t make a difference; called her back so she could order an endoscopy like discussed. I don’t know if that will find anything different so I’m not going to be overly confident about my self-diagnosis. I never suspected the ovarian fibroma. But I have learned that every issue can be connected which did lead me to thyroid issues being the possibility.

And it would figure. I’ve wanted so badly to get fit again so of course not being able to lose weight would be yet another hormone issue affecting it. The foot issue has had me discouraged but that’s exactly what I’m afraid of now. I’m afraid it will be like the ovarian fibroma and finding the cause will drag out while I’m helpless and have no quality of life, ever at the mercy of people who blame some flaw in my choices as the reason why I’m sick. I just want to be well enough to have a life again. I haven’t been able to work, I’m too weak to craft even, and I use what energy I can just making sure I’m not living in filth. Housework is ridiculously exhausting where it used to be fulfilling. 

So yeah. I want a simple fixable answer. I’m scared and vulnerable and trying to pretend I’m not. I don’t desire to nor have the energy to field concerns and even a casual ‘how are you?’ feels like a weight that ‘fine’ is too heavy a lie to drool out generically, to appease whatever awkwardness someone feels in the silence.

Until I get the answer, I live with the anxiety again. They’re the abusive partner I thought I was strong enough to leave. So my confidence and self-worth just dwindles by the moment, aching for clarity to build solutions on.

I miss the beach. I want to clear my mind in only the way the feel of my feet slipping into cool soft sand can do. But right now I battle the edges of depression, my mind telling me I’ll never get to do that again. This isn’t me, damn it. Why am I lost in this person I’m not? I remember who I was with longing and that’s how I definitely know something is wrong well before a doctor can confirm it. I just hope they’ll listen. It gets so hard to fight to be heard over and over. At a time when you’re most vulnerable and less yourself, trying to plead a case for being worthy of healing is just not a strength you have easy access to. You have to dig with energy you don’t have enough of. You have to hope they’ll meet you halfway and help you pull through.

I so didn’t want to be here again. It’s just so… heavy.