Feeling Good When Feeling Bad

I've mentioned a dear friend of mine that suddenly and tragically passed away of a heart attack at the young age of 43. Much like my aunt Shari and Uncle Mike, it's just too damned young. When my friend, Fermín, was still alive, a few mutual friends and myself went over his apartment one night to feast on empanadas and drink terremotos. The conversation of selfie obsession came up, as well as my apparent lack of enthusiasm. I quickly corrected them. I have a huge library of Photo Booth shots on my iMac where I snap a mixture of flattering poses and funny faces. I just don't share.

It's then that Fermín mentioned I rarely change my profile picture. I shrugged it off. Not much changes about me. My hair is pretty consistently red or growing back into its natural non-color, long or short it's rarely brushed. I wear pajamas because most clothes are uncomfortable and dressing up makes me self-conscious. I have a ridiculous amount of makeup for someone who usually goes without. But he said something to me then that made me look at myself differently. It's not about making sure people know what I look like. It's not about vanity. It's about self-care. It's about embracing change, a small milestone. 

I have the same exact face I had two decades ago. My nose is a little larger, my skin a little clearer, my forehead has a couple wrinkles. Most people don't even notice. Yet there are some things I notice when I look through them. I clearly favor a yellow hoodie. I often smirk rather than smile. Sometimes I look like my mother. I often remember where I was in life with each one.

Yesterday, I didn't feel so well. I was lying on my bed in wrinkled pajamas, my hair unbrushed, no makeup. I'm congested and my jaw is still sore, so a camera was the last thing I needed in my life. Yet in the dim warm light of my room, I switched my tablet to camera mode and snapped a few pictures.

No matter that these days I feel old and weak in my vulnerability. Yet in that picture, time vanished. I saw the same face of two decades past, not older, not weaker. I saw confidence and stoicism and acceptance. The shadows under my eyes weren't there and I didn't look sick or swollen. Just me. Just like thay, my doubts were soothed away.

No matter how I feel, I pick a day every few months when I remember to change my profile picture. I ignore what I'm feeling and take a few selfies, pick one that defines me best. To remind myself, in such a small way, that it's okay to feel good even when I'm feeling bad. It's why I took a picture of myself crying after my mom died. I wanted to see that, no matter how broken I felt, I was still quite whole.

The pieces fall where they will. I have some power to change my life but sometimes things just happen to you. When things just happen, I push back. I do some small symbolic thing to remember to hold myself down. 

To shift it into creativity, sometimes my stories escape me. I don't get what I'm doing, I'm not sure I believe in how it's turning out. Then I take control. I snapshot it and give it a good look. I love what I do, what I am. I love being wrong when I think I'll screw something up. I love being wrong even when it doesn't turn out right. 

And when I forget, I make it a point in self-care to remind myself. When the pain of the past digs in, I anchor myself in the present. And sometimes, the deep dark rifts in the present become superficial cracks in the big picture. 

But I have to take those pictures. Even when they're grainy, poorly lit and unplanned. Because if I'm going to be insecure, I want to know that face is exactly like all the others. Then I'll wrinkle my nose, stick out my tongue and take a few more.

Not a Binary, Myers-Briggs

But thanks for playing.

I'm not one of those people that tests all over the map. I've always landed in INFJ/INTJ. I've said before that introvert is my most recuperative stance but I'm undeniably a sort of ambivert that is outgoing or reserved without much reason beyond personal moods or situations.

Yet that 'I' is something a lot of artists cling to, if only for that archetype attached to it. It doesn't really fit a great deal of artists I know, the ones that paint in public at sidewalk art sales, the sort that absolutely bask in creation far from solitude. Even someone as 'I' as me doesn't lose all hope when interrupted by a visit from my nephews. I've learned how to write and talk and listen so as not to lock out the potential of shared moments I can't get back.

So, although Jung and Myers-Briggs efforts aren't wasted, I've also met those assignations with rightful skepticism. Like with astrology, I know it's a pseudoscience, not without use, but not one to cling to tightly when it comes to take personal growth (or destiny) into your own hands.

I don't really think Mercury in retrograde is really all that concerned with our actions. If anything, these tests are excuses that have none of the weight of even a menstrual cycle. Which I can say for certain, especially at the age of 37, absolutely affects my moods and ability to be around people. Even that is something I can see for what it is. I'm not always capable of stopping an impulsive outburst, but I'm versed in correcting and apologizing in the retrospect.

Perhaps I could say that the biology of a woman already makes a binary result impossible but impulsivity and moods are absolutely not the sole domain of women. Growth and change are necessary for all humans (unless your aspiration is to be a guest on a garbage talk show like Jerry Springer, where no one has mentally surpassed 12 and not through any valid mental disability-- just refusal to grow at all).

If you like to use these tests, maybe just to entertain yourself with facets you hadn't considered, it's not a bad idea. Just don't be so locked into being the 'Entertainer' or 'Mastermind' that you neglect to take risks and operate 'out of character'.

Out of character is for cookie cutter novels. In reality, there are many instances where a turning point can flip the switch on who we are. Trauma, actually being faced with those terrifying what-ifs and acting in earnest (not just how we think we will)---these are the things that don't fit neatly into astrology or personality tests. Most of us are not one of twelve neat binaries. Certainly, even those strictly developed characters aligning with them usually suffer from lack of dimension sometimes too.

Take the tests. Have fun with them. Measure yourself by entertaining means but don't adhere to anything at the expense of your unique growth. Just like you can choose to perpetuate victimhood, you can choose to break out of an archetype. Some facets you'll retreat to for comfort and that's okay to an extent. Just never stop trying to strive for what is good for you and those you care about. It's not going to be so neatly defined.