Golden Moments

Hey!

I know it's been a while, but I didn't want to encourage myself on a downhill slide, even on the chance it might be honest, raw or eye-opening. More often than not, it just rewards feelings not worth camping out in. What needed to happen was self-reflection and rejection of turning a good habit into a bad one.

I did the important thing and took up more temp work. I've been simultaneously confronting the anxiety and running from it. I clammed up around others but didn't push them away when they spoke to me. No one asked me what was wrong and I didn't quietly invent reasons, feed the feelings that weren't born of valid reasons to begin with.

The first night, when I was learning the job, I had to concede I had no idea how to do everything. They were understaffed even with help called in. I felt bad because I had to pull the girl off of the register to make what I didn't know how to make. Yet she was patient and kind and didn't resent me so I had no trouble telling her I was grateful for that. 

The second night, they were adequately staffed and one of the girls patiently showed me how to make the menu items I was unsure of how to do and even told me I did a great job when I held my breath and just did okay. Yet because of that kindness, I didn't hesitate or shake when I had to make them again and it felt great to not inconvenience them. That night, people asked me about my art. They also looked stunned to hear I'm 37. A 17 year old girl blurted out she thought I was 21. Even though I fancy myself immune to flattery, I felt that little flutter. Because they had no motive to make me feel good about myself, I was just genuinely touched.

I won't lie and say my anxiety magically went away. I still feel the edges of it, clamping tighter when I'm relaxing and thinking about nothing in particular. I'm sore and achy from working but even with those things working against me, I wrap my hands tightly around the kindness shown to me and tell myself I am worthy. I look forward to the people in my life and when I can find sit down in front of the tablet I'm saving for.

Then, another magic will begin.

For the time being, I'm enjoying the blend of people noticing my good qualities. I'm letting people flatter me for looking young and pretty, for showing off my intelligence and kindness, for whatever else people can see that I might have forgotten. Not because I suffer from vanity and need validation but because I too believe they are good, honest people who mean what they say. How can I expect others to believe me genuine if I can't do the same?

Tomorrow will be a good day for walking. I want to let the sunshine soak in and lift me up too. I want to spread the kindness others show to me, to show the kindness that never leaves even on the darkest days. I could say the strong version, something along the lines of the light being within me all along, but in truth, I feel strength in admitting that golden moments are reflected by many and the source is insignificant.

The sun might be the brightest, but the mirror is blinding as well.