One Day, One Step

I haven’t lost any weight in over six weeks. I eat 500-1000 less than I burn and I burn anywhere from 2300-3000 calories through exercise and rest. I have recovery days and I have cheat days. I feel like I am successfully attending a healthier lifestyle and yet it’s this excess weight bogging me down that whispers about failure. It leaves a bitter taste and the nasty lies we’ve heard our whole lives about obesity pound my skull with thoughts of eating less, exercising more, you’re not trying hard enough until you have an eating disorder! It threatens to become an obsession because it tells me I’m not doing enough when in truth, I may be stuck because I’m doing too much. I can operate under higher pain thresholds, thanks to an adulthood of chronic pain, and it’s very unusual for anyone of my size and height to do what I do... and still, because I’m female, I am fighting a lifetime of the pressure to be more successful at just being thinner. And, every day, despite the pain of trying to budge this stubborn fat, I have to tell myself if I’m not in pain, get that workout in. Eat well and eat enough. Don’t fall into a trap of thinking you aren’t doing enough or that, if this is the best you can do, just give up.

But my happiness and my creativity are also at risk. This isn’t really about just physical health or looking better, but I fall into that trap of thinking, again and again, resenting the men and women who’ve politely asked if I really want another fattening treat or patted my stomach to say I’ve got a ‘nice little lump there’. I have to fight all of those sticky voices that shifted my focus away from my worth or equated thin with what people perceive of as health. I have to remember that weight loss isn’t about pant sizes but being able to sleep less, not in a fog when I am awake and having the stamina just to sit in a chair long enough to start, work on and eventually finish a project that I truly would enjoy if enjoyment wasn’t so exhausting.

So yeah, it’s heavier than a few extra pounds. But I can’t let the weight of those drippy thoughts obscure the fact that making these choices for my health, every day, will very slowly manifest into being able to meet goals that make life worth living. I can’t get discouraged by the stupid scale. Numbers have always been the problem. Society’s petty judgements have always been the problem. Each attack must be met with intent and a counterattack to push forward. 

And now, photo dump of things that I enjoy lately.