Feelings on Things

 I don’t really enjoy getting in my feelings and I always resist it until I can figure out what to do with them. Sometimes it needs a primal release, a good cry or a scream. Sometimes I just need to clean and organize because I need order in the internal noise. Sometimes I just need to take a purposeful action because executive dysfunction and impulse just lead to guilt so I’ll try to beat those. Other times o need to be messy and remind myself that I’m flawed and trying to achieve perfection will end up hurting myself or others.

But always, I avoid the immediate impulse to share. Some people might assert that the value is in those raw emotions but my experience is the exact opposite. Finding words for that rawness in retrospect is where I can express their true meaning and value. In the moment, that expression is ooga-booga levels of display and only placing value on the rawness denies what I can learn from it. I recognize raw emotion and there’s never more clarity, just opportunity to direct it in a healthy way. Anyone can have a raw emotion, few can evaluate it to help others understand or relate to it.

It’s difficult for me to introduce what feels complex without making others wonder what this verbosity is leading to and I don’t mean to seem vague or mysterious when I’m doing it. But this is the foundation of how I’m handling a difficult human experience right now. I’ll try to summarize events here before I touch on feelings once more.

At 41 years old, I believed I was experiencing early menopause. In case you don’t know much about female anatomy, 51 is the average age for menopause so signs in your 30s (where I first started experiencing hot flashes) and acceleration in the early 40s isn’t the norm. I’ve known a few women who had hysterectomies in their mid 30s, after having two or more children. One was my grandmother and this being a discussion in my family, I knew this was not the norm.

In December, I had my period early that month so I wasn’t expecting another until the New Year. I track my cycle because I understand it’s an important part of women’s health and in this case, proved it all the more true. My next period started Christmas Eve so I knew it was far too early. I was seeing my doctor in January for routine follow-up for ADHD meds so I would bring it up then.

I thought it was a fluke but brought it up anyway. I was on my period for the visit but it was strangely heavy, for longer than it is usually heavy but it was a little late for this cycle, not by much, just a couple days. Since I was on my period, she scheduled me the next week for a Pap smear. I brought up ‘birth control’ but she got defensive and I realized she was likely against it due to beliefs but also that she took it the wrong way. She seemed to be less judgmental when I corrected wanting it as because I believed I needed the hormones to regulate this. I was somewhat relieved that she was amenable to the reason but also angry and sad for other women who are very much entitled to have that choice and shouldn’t have to have difficulty finding that option…

The Pap smear was painful but no more than usual. This was my second ever and the first showed no abnormalities. I got this because I was overdue and was told I wouldn’t need another in five years with a negative HPV result. No problem. She did a thorough breast exam, vaginal exam and swab and rectal exam. Not fun, but I know how to check out mentally so that I’m not emotional during these things. Pelvic pressing was actually somewhat painful so this is when she referred me for an ultrasound.

Luckily, the Pap smear came back normal, no HPV. Expected, if only because I’m not sexually active (another fact that is often treated like me being dishonest or maybe ashamed of promiscuity I’m being ‘prudish’ about). I know that fibroids and cysts and polyps are not affected by whether or not you have sex and just one of those anomalies of being human.

However, I start my period before the ultrasound. A little over a week before the last one ended. Two days were light, heavy before the ultrasound and seems to taper off but it’s sort of heavy on the day of. Not ideal but doable. The best time is right after the period finishes but I now know predictable is not in the cards for me anymore.

So I go into the ultrasound and I’m really comforted by this fast-talking woman who is sorry/not sorry that she will walk/talk me through it. But I’m not nervous at all, just ready to empty a very full bladder I needed for the pelvic exam. It all goes well and then the transvaginal part is next so I empty my bladder in the adjoining private bathroom and remove the lower clothing and drape a sheet. The wand she uses she compares to a tampon but honestly, it was actually far more comfortable. I smell blood the whole time because of my period but I imagine it’s part of the reason there’s no discomfort other than that slow leaking sensation. I know that relaxing the muscles makes these exams less painful but there was really no pain throughout anyway.

I know that technicians are not allowed to give away anything they see so I don’t ask and just answer her questions. Within a half hour, I’m done and she gives me the privacy to clean up with washcloths and get dressed. She tells me they’ll call on Monday.

After being home for a couple hours, my doctor calls and I know this isn’t good because doctors call promptly when something is wrong but I’m calm. My intuition told me in December something is still not right so the Pap was just one small victory. They couldn’t find my right ovary and suspect a tumor behind my uterus.

And I know from having one before (in my foot) that tumors are often benign, not malignant/cancerous so I wasn’t upset. I told her as much and patiently waited for what came next. She is arranging a CT scan and a referral to a gynecologist, recommended a male (I don’t have a preference now that I’m familiar with the process), one that also does surgeries in case that is needed, it will be quicker to get me in. 

I know that a hysterectomy is probable to remove all possibilities of it getting worse. If you know anything about me, you know this isn’t traumatizing as I’ve never wanted to give birth. At this age, it’s dangerous; any pregnancy after 35 is considered geriatric and high risk anyway. I wasn’t sure about hysterectomy options but I looked them up; most are outpatient and minimally invasive, healing in 4-6 weeks. The one for cancer is much like a C-section but removes everything, requires a small hospital stay (2-3 days) and a proper healing time of 8 weeks. For reference, my foot took half a year to heal enough to relearn how to walk on it and several more years for feeling to return properly. Extremities take longer but this is a comparatively smaller healing time. Complications for all types are relatively the same otherwise.

Of course, I was curious about how many people seem to think women have the same ‘use it or lose it’ risks that men’s sexual health is governed by and once again felt sad by the lack of women’s information without heavy bias. Abstinence pages are about warning women about the dangers of promiscuity (moral damnation) or ones trying to press the ‘cons’ of not have heterosexual sex and you really have to dig for the truth that none of these ‘cons’ are anything that self-pleasure doesn’t provide— yet with none of the cons of infection or risks from hygiene and fluids of a sexual partner. None of these search pages were tailored to the probability of abstinence by choice, the presence of asexuality. And I almost cried when they even emphasized that trauma and mental health are no more factors of this preference than it is for any other orientation. 

Planned Parenthood, you were that site and this is why I donate to you. Only you had at least some insight into my own concerns and once again sealed it that there is no medical consequence for not having sex or beating children. 

In my research, there are increased risks for cancers and complications due to childbirth though. This is why it’s very important that women are not bullied into sex or motherhood or social choices that benefit men without those considerations. 

Nevertheless, I could now be certain in conversations with people I care to educate that this is not due to something I didn’t do, should have done or could have done. Because whether men intend to or not, some are still conditioned to question our choices in the consequences of having female parts.

So this is where I am. Still bleeding heavily 5 days from when I started my period too early, prepared for the worst and hoping for the best. And what are my feelings? The usual. Apprehensive, uncertain, strangely relieved. I’m used to having my concerns dismissed when scans or tests can’t find anything. It’s surreal when there’s something they can see, real plans to tackle it. It’s not just ‘maybe fibroids’ to watch for changes. It’s something and there’s a plan. I’m not quite sure what to feel about it. I’m lethargic, likely from the blood loss, but still managing to attend to basic care. Is it cancerous, is it not, what’s next? I didn’t really know where to go with all of this but I didn’t want to announce it all over social media but I did want to put it somewhere publicly. Because the obstacles for women are still too many. Because the information considering asexuality is hard to find clear answers among the biases, always suspicious of the reasons a woman is looking at her sexuality and her sexual health. Defiance or shame, always appealing to our feelings, scarily blocking just the facts of our bodies and our being.

I want answers. I want feelings. Mostly, I want to hope that I will get the best care and begin to heal. And live to fight for those women I empathized with along the way, the women I couldn’t just be glad I’m not, but wanted to someday have access to choice and be heard before it’s too late. 

Ladies, I hear you and I hope my voice helps you too. All of you deserve safety and health and access to education to make the best of choices for you. This is why I can’t be silent. We all need to know this isn’t a fight we stand against alone.