Feelings on Things

 I don’t really enjoy getting in my feelings and I always resist it until I can figure out what to do with them. Sometimes it needs a primal release, a good cry or a scream. Sometimes I just need to clean and organize because I need order in the internal noise. Sometimes I just need to take a purposeful action because executive dysfunction and impulse just lead to guilt so I’ll try to beat those. Other times o need to be messy and remind myself that I’m flawed and trying to achieve perfection will end up hurting myself or others.

But always, I avoid the immediate impulse to share. Some people might assert that the value is in those raw emotions but my experience is the exact opposite. Finding words for that rawness in retrospect is where I can express their true meaning and value. In the moment, that expression is ooga-booga levels of display and only placing value on the rawness denies what I can learn from it. I recognize raw emotion and there’s never more clarity, just opportunity to direct it in a healthy way. Anyone can have a raw emotion, few can evaluate it to help others understand or relate to it.

It’s difficult for me to introduce what feels complex without making others wonder what this verbosity is leading to and I don’t mean to seem vague or mysterious when I’m doing it. But this is the foundation of how I’m handling a difficult human experience right now. I’ll try to summarize events here before I touch on feelings once more.

At 41 years old, I believed I was experiencing early menopause. In case you don’t know much about female anatomy, 51 is the average age for menopause so signs in your 30s (where I first started experiencing hot flashes) and acceleration in the early 40s isn’t the norm. I’ve known a few women who had hysterectomies in their mid 30s, after having two or more children. One was my grandmother and this being a discussion in my family, I knew this was not the norm.

In December, I had my period early that month so I wasn’t expecting another until the New Year. I track my cycle because I understand it’s an important part of women’s health and in this case, proved it all the more true. My next period started Christmas Eve so I knew it was far too early. I was seeing my doctor in January for routine follow-up for ADHD meds so I would bring it up then.

I thought it was a fluke but brought it up anyway. I was on my period for the visit but it was strangely heavy, for longer than it is usually heavy but it was a little late for this cycle, not by much, just a couple days. Since I was on my period, she scheduled me the next week for a Pap smear. I brought up ‘birth control’ but she got defensive and I realized she was likely against it due to beliefs but also that she took it the wrong way. She seemed to be less judgmental when I corrected wanting it as because I believed I needed the hormones to regulate this. I was somewhat relieved that she was amenable to the reason but also angry and sad for other women who are very much entitled to have that choice and shouldn’t have to have difficulty finding that option…

The Pap smear was painful but no more than usual. This was my second ever and the first showed no abnormalities. I got this because I was overdue and was told I wouldn’t need another in five years with a negative HPV result. No problem. She did a thorough breast exam, vaginal exam and swab and rectal exam. Not fun, but I know how to check out mentally so that I’m not emotional during these things. Pelvic pressing was actually somewhat painful so this is when she referred me for an ultrasound.

Luckily, the Pap smear came back normal, no HPV. Expected, if only because I’m not sexually active (another fact that is often treated like me being dishonest or maybe ashamed of promiscuity I’m being ‘prudish’ about). I know that fibroids and cysts and polyps are not affected by whether or not you have sex and just one of those anomalies of being human.

However, I start my period before the ultrasound. A little over a week before the last one ended. Two days were light, heavy before the ultrasound and seems to taper off but it’s sort of heavy on the day of. Not ideal but doable. The best time is right after the period finishes but I now know predictable is not in the cards for me anymore.

So I go into the ultrasound and I’m really comforted by this fast-talking woman who is sorry/not sorry that she will walk/talk me through it. But I’m not nervous at all, just ready to empty a very full bladder I needed for the pelvic exam. It all goes well and then the transvaginal part is next so I empty my bladder in the adjoining private bathroom and remove the lower clothing and drape a sheet. The wand she uses she compares to a tampon but honestly, it was actually far more comfortable. I smell blood the whole time because of my period but I imagine it’s part of the reason there’s no discomfort other than that slow leaking sensation. I know that relaxing the muscles makes these exams less painful but there was really no pain throughout anyway.

I know that technicians are not allowed to give away anything they see so I don’t ask and just answer her questions. Within a half hour, I’m done and she gives me the privacy to clean up with washcloths and get dressed. She tells me they’ll call on Monday.

After being home for a couple hours, my doctor calls and I know this isn’t good because doctors call promptly when something is wrong but I’m calm. My intuition told me in December something is still not right so the Pap was just one small victory. They couldn’t find my right ovary and suspect a tumor behind my uterus.

And I know from having one before (in my foot) that tumors are often benign, not malignant/cancerous so I wasn’t upset. I told her as much and patiently waited for what came next. She is arranging a CT scan and a referral to a gynecologist, recommended a male (I don’t have a preference now that I’m familiar with the process), one that also does surgeries in case that is needed, it will be quicker to get me in. 

I know that a hysterectomy is probable to remove all possibilities of it getting worse. If you know anything about me, you know this isn’t traumatizing as I’ve never wanted to give birth. At this age, it’s dangerous; any pregnancy after 35 is considered geriatric and high risk anyway. I wasn’t sure about hysterectomy options but I looked them up; most are outpatient and minimally invasive, healing in 4-6 weeks. The one for cancer is much like a C-section but removes everything, requires a small hospital stay (2-3 days) and a proper healing time of 8 weeks. For reference, my foot took half a year to heal enough to relearn how to walk on it and several more years for feeling to return properly. Extremities take longer but this is a comparatively smaller healing time. Complications for all types are relatively the same otherwise.

Of course, I was curious about how many people seem to think women have the same ‘use it or lose it’ risks that men’s sexual health is governed by and once again felt sad by the lack of women’s information without heavy bias. Abstinence pages are about warning women about the dangers of promiscuity (moral damnation) or ones trying to press the ‘cons’ of not have heterosexual sex and you really have to dig for the truth that none of these ‘cons’ are anything that self-pleasure doesn’t provide— yet with none of the cons of infection or risks from hygiene and fluids of a sexual partner. None of these search pages were tailored to the probability of abstinence by choice, the presence of asexuality. And I almost cried when they even emphasized that trauma and mental health are no more factors of this preference than it is for any other orientation. 

Planned Parenthood, you were that site and this is why I donate to you. Only you had at least some insight into my own concerns and once again sealed it that there is no medical consequence for not having sex or beating children. 

In my research, there are increased risks for cancers and complications due to childbirth though. This is why it’s very important that women are not bullied into sex or motherhood or social choices that benefit men without those considerations. 

Nevertheless, I could now be certain in conversations with people I care to educate that this is not due to something I didn’t do, should have done or could have done. Because whether men intend to or not, some are still conditioned to question our choices in the consequences of having female parts.

So this is where I am. Still bleeding heavily 5 days from when I started my period too early, prepared for the worst and hoping for the best. And what are my feelings? The usual. Apprehensive, uncertain, strangely relieved. I’m used to having my concerns dismissed when scans or tests can’t find anything. It’s surreal when there’s something they can see, real plans to tackle it. It’s not just ‘maybe fibroids’ to watch for changes. It’s something and there’s a plan. I’m not quite sure what to feel about it. I’m lethargic, likely from the blood loss, but still managing to attend to basic care. Is it cancerous, is it not, what’s next? I didn’t really know where to go with all of this but I didn’t want to announce it all over social media but I did want to put it somewhere publicly. Because the obstacles for women are still too many. Because the information considering asexuality is hard to find clear answers among the biases, always suspicious of the reasons a woman is looking at her sexuality and her sexual health. Defiance or shame, always appealing to our feelings, scarily blocking just the facts of our bodies and our being.

I want answers. I want feelings. Mostly, I want to hope that I will get the best care and begin to heal. And live to fight for those women I empathized with along the way, the women I couldn’t just be glad I’m not, but wanted to someday have access to choice and be heard before it’s too late. 

Ladies, I hear you and I hope my voice helps you too. All of you deserve safety and health and access to education to make the best of choices for you. This is why I can’t be silent. We all need to know this isn’t a fight we stand against alone.

Drastic Times

 From my scant blogging over the past year, I’ve managed to talk about my struggles with getting healthy. In the past few months, I hit a major setback with what seems to be the very natural but sometimes devastating signs of perimenopause. The more severe and frequent parts being hot flashes, increased bouts of chronic and localized pain and mood swings. Diet and exercise have been difficult to adjust and I ended up putting back on the weight I struggled to lose over two years plus about ten pounds. Despite circuit training and tracking diet (both calories and macros). I tried fasting for longer intervals, both two weekly 36 hour fasts and the infrequent three day fasts. Fasting helps the chronic issues a lot but I haven’t gotten any weight loss breakthroughs. And really, most fasting blogs and advice are coming from young healthy men (and rarely women) so their advice is rarely reflective of what I, a middle aged obese woman with questionable health obstacles, can actually expect to experience or safely do. 

However, I worked up to my current situation and know how to read my body. Early on in the fast, I consumed tea and black coffee but that seemed to cause more problems that it fixed so the last two days have been water and slowly sipping high sodium broth because I don’t want to have a fragile infant’s digestive system after this. Therefore, supplementing a proper level of electrolytes has been key. I take potassium and magnesium in capsule form in the morning with a lot of water then save a probiotic and high sodium broth for the night. Sometimes I do need to take Pepto Bismol, omeprazole or famotidine at night to ease my stomach for sleep but I have not experienced insomnia (and have slept pretty great throughout). It’s really important that if your prolonged fasts are not supervised to take into consideration how your medications will affect you and to never think fasting will be more beneficial by eliminating medication or electrolytes. These do not make fasting results more effective and can cause chronic health issues or worsen current ones if you buy into ‘clean’ fasting bullshit. The same extreme diet and exercise you could get away with as a healthy 20 year old could kill you later. A safe and intuitive fast beats a ‘clean’ fast any day. Also, be advised that you may benefit more from a fasting-mimicking diet, which is often the ‘extremities’ that diabetics are put on. Personally, I do better cutting out solid foods and calorie worries altogether and just use electrolytes as my safety net.

I might have forgotten to mention I am reaching the last 10% of a five day fast. You may have heard you’ll get mental clarity and focus and energy, which I haven’t gotten outside of the second and third days and never for long. I also have inattentive ADHD so hyperfocus and no focus at all are the only two settings I normally have and wouldn’t know what ‘increased focus’ actually means for someone like me. Since the pandemic and moving, I haven’t been medicated for it but outside of working, I don’t need it and I’d rather reserve going back on stimulants for when I’m able to work again. So I can’t attest to whether focus or clarity is actually a positive of fasting because I didn’t really experience anything like that. Just like taking Adderal tends to give the average person meth-like powers of cleaning and laser focus, it really just slows me down so I can socialize and react a bit more controllably.

The worst part can be the hunger pangs (which also never quite went away for me but only ever dulled) and the almost hallucinogenic obsession with food. I can smell it and nearly taste it with enhanced memory and I get insane inspiration for recipes that just dance in my head with powerful clarity. And despite the fact that food obsession is almost torturous while fasting, I record or plan how I will eat afterwards, which actually reduces the risk of overfeeding or outright bingeing. But since I’m a soul cooker, I don’t actually have set recipes; I season to taste and experience so I can definitely list off what I use but can’t guarantee you will balance it the way I do. 

The other negative for me is that anything I ingest outside of the supplements and water can turn into a nasty shart later. Not in my clothes because the Bucket List movie’s ‘never trust a fart’ is so true but having to run to the bathroom for a weak coffee colored wet fart is annoying so that’s why I end up ditching the coffee and tea beyond the second day. However, the supplements are useless without sodium and plain salt water is awful so the high sodium broth is a necessity. I just have to be mindful to either dilute it a lot or sip it very slowly between lots of water or I’ll be hitting the toilet.

This is where I have to assert; these small spurts aren’t dangerous, but take them as yellow flags to discontinue. Because of the dark coloring, it was an obvious symbol of tea and coffee being the culprit. However if you expel a full bout of loose stool or outright water, start eating a small amount of food and break the fast gently and immediately. Even taking electrolytes, frequent urination or an expulsion of diarrhea are immediate signs you’re losing way too many electrolytes and need proper nutrients now. Don’t wait this out or try to bear through it or you can end up heading to the emergency room.

That shouldn’t scare you but it needs to be a proper warning. Don’t feel guilty if you need to end a fast you haven’t tried before or aren’t prepared for yet. I’ve had setbacks but I give myself proper healing time then try again.

I should note that because I’ve had so many weight loss setbacks that this 5 day fast has no weight loss goals attached in the least. I’m not even going to weigh for that reason. This is because I’ve experienced autophagy (pronounced aw-TAW-fuh-jee) benefits for pain and inflammation on previous three day fasts and I’ve since read about extending autophagy and am really hoping it can balance my hormones and reduce pain to make my diet and exercise routines (which are more than sufficient otherwise) more effective.

Which brings me to the benefits that make me fight the worst and keep going. Hot flashes, gone. You actually get cold easier while fasting (that much is actually true) so I’ve done something I haven’t been able to do all summer: turn the AC off for hours at a time. I would love to be able to enjoy this along with energy in the future but this is huge for now. Secondly, HUGE reduction in chronic and localized pain. I have both fibromyalgia and touch and go issues with hips, ankle and toes and all of those have been significantly dulled over the course of fasting. Although lethargy and brain fog have not been so magically affected, I’ll take those two things alone and embrace them as evidence enough.

I do advise you research autophagy. There have been proven studies for its effectiveness in slowing and even reversing some aspects of aging, preventing and even treating cancer (again, if you have cancer, this is something you’ll want to okay with your doctor still), cell regeneration and renewal as well as disposal of old and ineffective cells, and even healing old aches and wounds that therapy and medication haven’t quite helped. Even the revised version of how it works can be quite lengthy, so I’ll pique your curiosity to begin with that. It starts with what to expect in fasting stages (anabolic, catabolic, fat burning, ketosis and deep ketosis) and those will often coincide with how to activate autophagy and what the results can be with extended fasting. What I have read on autophagy during five day fasting has intrigued me. I initially intended to do at least four days but since I am still feeling okay decided to go for five. 3 days can go a really long way with digestion and immunity but you’ll start to involve increased stem cell production and musculoskeletal repair if you keep it going. It’s really interesting how your body starts to assign different jobs when digestion isn’t demanding so much energy and your body becomes more efficient at using what is left. And at the same time, your hunger hormones will still keep screaming at you about attaining food so you don’t just give up and starve. This is largely why I don’t seek to ignore or suppress the desire for food. That is not something you ever want to lose. Instead, rein in on how you can use food thoughts efficiently later. If it’s really becoming too much on your willpower, you may want to do something a little physically exhausting (but not to the point of dizziness or fainting) to sleep off some of the fasting period. 

I absolutely intend on sleeping off the last eight hours. Ten o’clock tonight is bedtime and by 6 AM I’ll have conquered this five day journey. I truly hope I’ve achieved the level of autophagy I need to knock through some health issues but if nothing else, I never lose hope and I never stop trying.

I would love to reach more people on the reality of obesity and personal struggle, to stop people from assuming obesity means a lack of effort or laziness or pretending it’s concern to shame or belittle people or even shower them with good intentions and unsolicited advice without knowing anything about the many medical hurdles and conditions that can make all of the CICO/hot yoga/etc banter just die. It’s lazy ‘advice’ and there’s nothing kind or eye-opening about it. I was healthy, athletic, full of energy and a normal weight up until I very suddenly wasn’t. Circuit training and strict dieting worked to get me close to a normal BMI until it didn’t. I wish I could say what will work next but I don’t know. I’ve never imagined there would be a place where P90X3 and a managed diet wouldn’t work. And more terrifying, that I’d watch the weight pile on plus a little more WHILE I was so carefully dieting and exercising. But when something doesn’t make sense, there are complex levels that only working with a doctor MAY help me breakthrough.

I couldn’t get a doctor appointment for blood tests until late August. I didn’t want a long fast to mask any levels or concerns that might help me get accurate treatment which is why I’m doing it now. By the time I go, I will have literally tried every healthy path I could. I’m actually hoping there is some pesky food intolerance I can eliminate or some hormonal therapy that can correct whatever is happening because… let me tell you, it’s taking every ounce of optimism and determination and self-love to face this. I can never have a model slim body but I sure as hell want to build a strong healthy one. The sort that will have me firing off my creative energy without physical limitations again! I can’t tell you how much I’m obsessed with being that person again.

And I blog this nitty gritty BECAUSE I didn’t see much representing the experience of people in a similar demographic. Ffs, we don’t just get here and give up and we need to hear there’s hope! Keep finding your health and peace, ladies! To the rest of you, I’m rooting for you too but biologically, my experiences probably aren’t going to do you much good and that’s okay too. I’m hoping the foray into autophagy might be enlightening though!