The Hustle

I've said it before and I'll say it again: you can probably do way more than your brain will give you credit for. With fibromyalgia came years of not being able to tell the difference between real pain and overactive nerves. With low energy and depression, your body and brain tell you you're not going to make it out of bed. With a racing brain, there is too much to do and not enough time so... you often end up doing nothing at al rather than poking at any of the options.

I've been there: good days and bad. Whether I'm right or I'm wrong, I try to journal these days for myself, to see what I thought I could do, what I actually did and whether I even tried to prove that wrong. Because, rather than shifting the blame, I needed to own my successes and failures. I even needed to look at my overachieving times and give myself permission to take a damn break before I burnt-out.

And I never thought I'd be worth a shit as a waitress. It's a lot to do at once and people can get downright nasty and entitled. But wait. I've done this before in service and retail. Some people will insist you go back to the shelves to get things they can get themselves. Or insist something is broken when they just didn't use it properly. Or they're having a bad day and looking for a scapegoat. While I don't take shit from people who get personal, I also know how to bow out gracefully and make someone else handle things when I've reached my limit. (Which often means I pick up for them once I've collected myself and tackle the floor again.) With waitressing, I watch my section (they seat themselves), bring menus and utensils, get their drink order, get their meal order, drop their ticket at the kitchen, serve food, punch up their ticket, see if they need refills, bus tables, rinse, repeat. It sounds pretty simple, but since a full section has everyone at different stages, I have to read people. Everyone has a tell that says they're waiting for something and if they've waited too long, you see their restlessness. I'm not always a good reader of people but hungry and impatient people telegraph pretty strongly. When it's not busy, I don't have to wait for the cues, but when my section is full, crowds tend to make people transparent. Like those Diner Dash kind of games, they very nearly have those little colorful emoticons above their heads with where they're at.

It was a good first day. I doubt they'll all go so well, but I do have my new girl card for the time being. That has a little mileage with some people. Juggling is not something I'm unfamiliar with. Not the actual juggling. I'm still shit at that. But when it comes to tasks, even when I'm scrambled or confused, I'm not afraid to just stand still for a few seconds and untangle the knots. Some people tie themselves up and never quite recover.

Speaking of juggling though, I'm looking at going back to school for software engineering. Even though I'm not in love with coding, I've always had a knack for it. I hate math but I'm good at it. im betting that even if you don't know it, you're probably really good at things you don't like or haven't tried because you think you won't. I'm not worried about wasting time, which is probably why I take risks that gobble up time. I'm on borrowed time, just like everyone else, but I'm passionate about learning. Even the things I don't like. If I'm repulsed, I'll find ways to do it less or not at all, but if I'm good at it, then I'm willing to encounter problems I don't like when the overall reward is that I'm not exhausting myself. Because doing what I love isn't always the best use of my time either. If crochet or writing or art was financially enough, I'd gladly do nothing else. Yet, realistically, I know that I need to fund each of those things with money they're not bringing in, so the side hustles are about building my kingdom.

Any day, the kingdom can fall. Losing a lot of people and pets I loved in so few years gave me a pretty sound idea of how precious time is. Even if I were given six months to live, I don't see myself adjusting my life as it is. My life is not about investing in forever. I don't make bucket lists because I know that death doesn't mean my conscious soul is clinging to regret. Now, I know I'm going into personal belief territory, but I don't believe that I carry over when my body is done. As a science minded person, I'm certainly open to the possibility that whatever energy animates us is recycled, but the memories and personalities, those are attached to that lump of goo called a brain and the body that makes me me. I don't see karma or souls or ghosts as plausible. I see humans as creatures with very active brains and not a lot of concrete answers. I see that our egos often create concepts of mortality when it's far more likely there is nothing beyond this life. When I sleep, it is the death of who I am. When I don't dream or think or function, I am essentially dead. Does it matter where I go? Can I be afraid that I'll never go back? The only thing I truly fear are concepts like torture and painful precursors to death because until my body gives up, I will experience hell.

Ahem. I don't mean to be morbid, but I live the best life I can because I don't expect another. I am good to others because of the happiness it brings me, more so than fearing any consequences. My morals and stances exist as they do, sometimes against my wishes. I wish I could be less self -sacrificing and more selfish, but the kind of selfish that hurts others pains me more, so even when I'm selfish, I'm mindful. It's because I believe there is nothing else beyond this life that I cherish it, that I do my best to let others live their best life too. I don't care if you're a whore or a prude, a sinner or a saint--as long as you own the consequences and don't purposely do harm, refusing to grow and learn, I am pretty damn tolerant of choices. No one owes it to me to display shame or guilt because of their mistakes because often, especially in today's world, the hurt is just well-bottled and they could very well be wracked with it later.

Most people don't plan their hustle by leaving a trail of destruction behind them. However, often we do have to hurt people we love and care about because they don't see our potential. I spent many years taking advice that was bad for me. I stopped listening to anything that felt wrong and began to take the unconventional paths. I've enjoyed far more personal success through self-belief.

I may not be rich or famous or even find comfort or independence. However, a little discomfort is motivational. A little dependence teaches us to work smartly with others rather than work harder by insisting all struggles must be carried alone.

Like Alanis Morissette sang, what if you won the lottery and died the next day? Sure, it's tragic, but will it matter? Live for today, but hope for tomorrow. If tomorrow never comes, it is what it is. If it does, don't make it about cleaning up yesterday. 

Are people who found a single career luckier? I'm not so sure of that. I believe that the way my life is is also the life best suited for me. I became who I am after surviving my own struggle. This day was brought to me by making it through every one before it. I may not have any part of the American Dream, but I do not regret that I have found my own ways. I'm chasing my dreams. I'm not worried about how it measures up to what people believe it should be. I don't think there's an age limit on humor or love or education or capability. Only I can define that.

And, hell, sometimes I'm not even that good at defining it. However, I am always open to being wrong. Being right never taught me anything.

Desperately Seeking Solutions

It's no secret that I've been eye-humping Wacom digital drawing tablets for a while now, but I'm a long way from touching a price tag that lofty. I decided to start looking at those lesser known brands: Huion, XP Pen, etc. and found one by XP Pen that I'm now panting after as far more attainable.

21.5" display, touch keys, no touch screen, and a pressure sensitivity-in-the-many-thousands stylus with terrific reviews. Sorry, Wacom, but I'm cheating on you. Being nearly 5 times cheaper and much more reliable, it's not even a competition. I'm now aiming for the much more affordable range of $400-500 as opposed to the $2200-$3000 of the leading tablet company. For one, the 16 inch display falls into the $2200 range. Looking at the standalone option, Mobile Studio Pro, is upwards of $3000 and even those START at $3000, going up several hundred bucks for each inch of display.

While I'm sure leading brands probably get there for a reason, it's also very likely that hype starts to drive up those numbers more than anything. Look at Beats headphones; despite only being mid-range in sound quality, they're popular and more expensive than much better quality brands like Sennheiser. For a girl who just wants to start some serious digital drawing, the cheaper option is simply more appealing. I've learned over time that it's better to look past brand power, to find something functional and right for me, so research is a girl's best friend.

That's not to say I'm not a fool for Apple. People generally think that Apple is too high-priced or not upgradeable, but I've never had trouble snagging a great deal on them, especially prior to a new model. I'll take a generation behind the newest for a deal. As far as upgrading goes, my iMac was ahead of average for a good five years before standard PC packages ever came close. I've always preferred single-player gaming on consoles as well, so having a gaming rig was never a factor. I played World of Warcraft and Sims 3 on it just fine, no lag or graphics issues to speak of. My laptop, the latest 15" Macbook in 2010, finally reached the point where it wouldn't upgrade to the latest OS, Mojave, but I'm not shedding tears over it. It's still my faithful writing companion (but just as faithfully backed up because, holy hell, I've had it nine years. My first PC didn't hold up this long).

Even though brand power can feel like an added bragging right, there's nothing better than owning a piece of equipment you're not secretly cursing at, a trouble-shooting, customer support nightmare with a fancy logo on it.

I believe I've found my Mr.-Right-Now, which is as good as it gets with technology. Inevitably, tech just only goes so far before the hardware must simply be traded for the next best thing. The only technology I truly regret buying was my first laptop (I'm convinced Dell actually means 'coaster' in some language somewhere) and the Kindle Fire (which completely died for no apparent reason after less than a year of light use). Other than that, I've made some pretty stellar choices, fueled by research tailored to my long-term needs rather than being more impressive at a party.

I expect it will only take a month at most to save for it. But you can bet your ass I'm bragging about it when I do!

Why Some of Us Will Never Be Vegans

First and foremost, I have no problems with veganism itself. As a diet. Let me reiterate that, as both someone who cares for animals and humans, I don't have it in me to automatically dislike someone for the choices they make, whether I like them or not. I frown on cruelty, hatred, unkindness, and purposely pissing people off. I also frown on lifestyle choices that infringe on other people's lifestyle choices or use morality as an excuse for being a bastard.  That being said, I'll try to parse this up with as much diplomacy as I can muster.

1. Eating meat or animal byproducts is not necessarily cruelty.

There's this idea that because we CAN eat without harming animals, that because we're so advanced and aware, we should be the benevolent doormats of the earth. I know the science. I've watched the vegan documentaries. I've read studies and watched people bitch about it. I equally hate what equates to animal snuff videos and I think hunters that kill just to kill and gloat are ignorant bastards. However, your average hunters have a damn good point about using our intellect and studies to control animal population and even feel the remorse and importance of using the remains rather than leaving them to rot and waste. Well, why don't we control animal populations? Good question and I ask myself that too. Mainly because we ARE the prominent species and we set the laws for bodily autonomy and sometimes they suck. Because I'm pro-choice, I also care about babies and people, not fetuses. I understand that this is an opinion and not one that everyone shares. Call me immoral but it's not for me to decide for someone else nor demand their reasons for it.

It's not either or. I care about animals too. I absolutely adore my cichlids but they have the tendency to eat each other. Should I tell you why I'm not morally opposed to that? It's because this practice is their way of preserving the population of the ones most likely to thrive and because if all 400 eggs lived every time, I could easily destroy the pond ecosystems around here trying to set free all the ones I couldn't afford to feed. Animals, though of a different intelligence, do have a built-in ability to understand the needs of their ecosystem. Humans are... well, we're TOO fucking compassionate. Some of us literally hug the planet to death, and that includes all the ones claiming the moral high ground. In fact, they're often the most myopic about how much damage they might actually be doing. Somehow our higher intelligence created the concept of cruelty and it can even be toxic in its extremes because drawing moral lines is always going to create 'good' and 'bad' that is sometimes really neither.

I'm the kind of person that when your pet bird chomps on my nose, I'll cry while I gently pinch its beak open or when your puppy is running free, I'll snatch it up from running in the street even when it bites my arm bloody (true stories). I don't hate animals but I accept they are both capable of kindness and being bastards the world is probably better off without. Cruelty is a shaky construct and you're just not going to win everyone on this.

2. Not all of us are creatures of excess.

While I can agree that all wealthy countries are consuming too much, it's not just about meat. There are many of us who already consume in moderation. I rarely eat steak, mostly a fan of fish and sometimes turkey or chicken, but I actually love veggies and fruits and even weird ones like seaweed. Vegans often argue a blue streak about how its not a lifestyle of excess, but if everyone were to become a vegan, agriculture's excess would be more destructive than animal meat production. I'm sure someone is making up for my not-so-meaty diet with three times what a person should eat, but again-- it's not my duty to worry about the balance of my diet and lament the futility of reducing my carbon footprint to account for all the heathens that muddy mine.

The arguments about heart disease and the problems of obesity come from abuse, not use. Which brings me to the next one.

3. Some of us can't. Can't 'work up to it', can't 'adjust to it', CAN'T.

I was born with poor circulation and a picky digestive system. It took me a lot of trial and error over the years to find a regular diet that works. If I want to get adventurous, I have the pleasure of taking a big swig of minty milk of magnesia before I eat. Veggies, as much as I do love, are the most destructive in the quantities it takes to make a vegan diet sustainable. Sorry, but it's just not for everyone. You have to have the genetic predisposition to handle such a drastic change and for some people it's not worth it or even dangerous. I'm sorry, but it just is. Some people can't tolerate grains. Some can't tolerate legumes some can't tolerate supplements. And here's the next point.

4. Some people don't want to swallow dickloads of supplements. 

B12, y'all. You knew it was coming, but it's kind of a big one to need. 8-9 horse capsules of algae are about the top candidate for this one. Yeah, yeah, you can grow veggies in B12 rich soil. However, you still have to consume a ton to reach that daily minimum. Speaking of which...

5. Grazing... grazing, grazing, grazing.

At one point of my life, I was an obsessive gum chewer. So my jaw muscles are pretty pro. But an attempt at a veggie heavy diet was the thing to push me over the threshold of jaw pain. So much chewing for raw veggies which is one of the few ways you even get to keep the bulk of nutrients in them. You have to eat a ton of bland joyless food and...

6. It's a lifestyle... of the time-consuming kind.

I went on strict diets when my health took a downturn and it made me think about food all the time. Low calorie foods mean you get to eat more to reach your goal, but at some point, I got tired-- of the prep, the constant obsession with when I would eat next, of the sheer volume and time spent thinking about it. Most 'successful vegans' are also fitness, health, and medical in nature and understandably. Because of how particular it is, it's very likely to be damn near your hobbies and work all wrapped in one. Where do you find the time for anything besides eating and sleeping? I've never met a vegan that isn't talking about it, in fact. One of the things that often triggered depression in my life is that a fitness/diet life took me WAY too far away from accomplishing creative goals, way more so than just a conscientious but still healthy diet.

Not too mention, it's a first-world luxury to have that kind of dedication. And one that is also...

7. Expensive. It's expensive.

And this isn't limited to veganism. Any diet requiring supplements that look at caloric intake, nutrients, or just above average amounts of anything are not going to be on sale that week if ever. When I did P90X, they were pushing Shakeology because holy hell, you need a lot of protein to handle the abuse. I've tried to find ways to actually make the extremes of healthy eating and advanced fitness possible but it's a lost cause and... again, time-consuming. I don't want to go on a 3 hour tour every two or three days. It demands too much from my time, my wallet and my aspirations (and yes, I care about those too).

8. Some of us are foodies.

Culinary appreciation can take some wild adventurous turns. We love watching global cooking shows. You might be able to sell a plant-based diet, vegetarian, to a foodie, but when you take away the egg and dairy, it's just a culinary nightmare. The idea of a world so conscientious about morality that food becomes joyless and efficient alone would be a sad world indeed. I know that vegans see it as a sacrifice, the ultimate virtue that saves thousands, but please, take that victory for yourself and let the beauty of culinary art alone.

9. It's kind of a cult at its worst (and what isn't?).

I wouldn't say this goes for all vegans. I'm sure some of you have worked out how to be really zen, self-content people who probably even convert people to veganism with your awesomeness alone. More power to you. Unfortunately, most of us deal with the Crusaders/Inquisitioners that are calling for the genocide of all who think or live differently. Most vegans are not very tolerable to be around, but I'm not calling for veganism to be illegal just because I don't agree with it. However, the fact being for every lifestyle where people can have good intentions, you're going to have the idiots that ruin it for everyone being the loudest voices for it. If this lifestyle is for you, keep it for you. And if you're ready to feed your fellow humans to lions for not conforming, that may be a big fat red flag that it's a not-so-good obsession (just a tad hypocritical too).

10. Extreme veganism is not that moral.

It's one thing to morally oppose cruelty (those three words together... I almost vomited), another to infringe on others to push the belief. Is it any different to opposing gay marriage, bodily autonomy, etc? While I hate generalizations and comparisons, moral opposition should just never be the RULE, the standard of 'protection' through sterilization. I don't believe you can compare animal and human suffering anymore than you can compare one human's pain to another's. Laws for cruelty against humans is a mark of society and civilization and the laws we use to protect ourselves are more complicated. Most of us do seek to preserve the environment and the balance of ecosystems, but there's a tug of war even among our own kind on how far you can overlap morality with human rights.

Although vegans are often pegged as far leftists, many are perfectly okay with assuming you're worthless if you don't adhere to their damn near conservative outlook on their lifestyle. Using morals as empirical evidence is not transcendent, it's invasive of free will. Although that fits in with the SJW sort of mania, a selective form of tolerance that claims to be the champion of the weak, assuming that the world is full of victims and oppressors and if you're not one, you're the other... That is truly immoral. You take away the ability for people to defend their contributions, to be flawed but valuable, and essentially no one is good. No one. There's that silly saying that when you point, you have three fingers pointing back at you. But there's simply no way to vilify people without yourself being the bad guy too. If you truly find it to be a valuable lifestyle, you sell it with love. Not the bitter taste of joyless vegetable warfare.

Is it an accident or pure greed that turned the first humans towards meat-based diets? It certainly wasn't the easiest way to eat, risking so much to hunt for food rather than gather it. Is a moral standpoint a luxury in a struggling economy? Is it class warfare to lord that over people? 

11. We're not done evolving.

I won't argue that evolution is indeed a fact. I've run the gauntlet backwards of these ridiculous rebuttals with assless chaps and I'm sure you have no new valid proof to refute it. While the Stoned Ape hypothesis is up in the air, it's THEORY (which if you didn't know is a provable set of facts that can be added to but no longer dissolved) that evolution was made possible through the consumption of meat. It carved our path from primate to human, enlarging our skulls and brains to accommodate this lovely complex brain and the egos that protect them. Even though I'm not forwarding my genes in the pool to contribute to the possible future of it, I hope that people continue to evolve through diet and smarter bodies that learn how to process the lifestyles of the sedentary thinkers. That we get less Trumps and more Musks. Better, people who have evolved to eat, sleep, and shit less and think, innovate and better more. A culture of real tolerance and adaptability and progress, one less apt to wish and more prone to DO. Human bodies are not done. We're stupidly fragile, easily offended, myopic about struggle and yet most of us do little more than complain and lament. Processed foods are not the answer, but veganism isn't the sole way to go.

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Again, I appreciate the vegans out there that are confident enough in their choices to be content in them for their own reasons. I make these arguments only to vent the frustration I have with the truly hard-hearted and downright intolerable. We need a world more capable of balance, not moral decision. Compassion, love, respect, trust-- with conditions. Now, I can't decide what is moral. That's no one's burden or even within anyone's abilities to decide that for everyone else. Society has some burden to create harmony but that is separate from the balance of individual morals. I'm convinced that perceiving our world in terms of victims and oppressors is a dangerous path. This is a world that needs the voices of the individuals-- the patience to listen and the ability to speak with diplomacy. There are not many people that truly care to look past words, to look at intent and context without twisting it towards their bias, prioritizing what they are entitled to.

I've said before-- ego can be a wonderful thing. If it can drive you as a person, not how you think others should see you or respond to you, I'm all for it. Egos done well do not crush and belittle someone else. My friend Joe will tell anyone; he has an enormous ego. Yet he is one of the most insightful, talented, generous people I know. I will gladly support that ego because it is truly caring, truly beneficial and truly deserved in my eyes. I will gladly support any individual that can feed my ego too, truth be told. Yes, there are conditions, but I promise, it's a case by case basis and I'm not a harsh judge. Really, just don't be a superficial dick and we're good.

A quick addition before I leave, but I'm really not opposed to anyone's dietary decisions. It's not my body, so I truly don't care what you do. I know plenty of vegetarians (again, of the annoyingly virtuous sort and the ones who are at peace with dietary limitations or decisions). I have no issue or disgust with feeding anyone I invite nor care if they'd rather bring their own. My big issue lies with the 'do as I do' insistence. I won't argue that it might be perfectly healthy or virtuous. You're just not going to sell me on restriction when moderation is my preferred compromise. The paleo diet is also working for some people. You might be right that it's not healthy or not moral, but it's still their life to decide for. A lot of things that aren't perceived as immoral actually exist to reduce the damage caused by the prohibition of 'lesser evils'.