Drastic Times

 From my scant blogging over the past year, I’ve managed to talk about my struggles with getting healthy. In the past few months, I hit a major setback with what seems to be the very natural but sometimes devastating signs of perimenopause. The more severe and frequent parts being hot flashes, increased bouts of chronic and localized pain and mood swings. Diet and exercise have been difficult to adjust and I ended up putting back on the weight I struggled to lose over two years plus about ten pounds. Despite circuit training and tracking diet (both calories and macros). I tried fasting for longer intervals, both two weekly 36 hour fasts and the infrequent three day fasts. Fasting helps the chronic issues a lot but I haven’t gotten any weight loss breakthroughs. And really, most fasting blogs and advice are coming from young healthy men (and rarely women) so their advice is rarely reflective of what I, a middle aged obese woman with questionable health obstacles, can actually expect to experience or safely do. 

However, I worked up to my current situation and know how to read my body. Early on in the fast, I consumed tea and black coffee but that seemed to cause more problems that it fixed so the last two days have been water and slowly sipping high sodium broth because I don’t want to have a fragile infant’s digestive system after this. Therefore, supplementing a proper level of electrolytes has been key. I take potassium and magnesium in capsule form in the morning with a lot of water then save a probiotic and high sodium broth for the night. Sometimes I do need to take Pepto Bismol, omeprazole or famotidine at night to ease my stomach for sleep but I have not experienced insomnia (and have slept pretty great throughout). It’s really important that if your prolonged fasts are not supervised to take into consideration how your medications will affect you and to never think fasting will be more beneficial by eliminating medication or electrolytes. These do not make fasting results more effective and can cause chronic health issues or worsen current ones if you buy into ‘clean’ fasting bullshit. The same extreme diet and exercise you could get away with as a healthy 20 year old could kill you later. A safe and intuitive fast beats a ‘clean’ fast any day. Also, be advised that you may benefit more from a fasting-mimicking diet, which is often the ‘extremities’ that diabetics are put on. Personally, I do better cutting out solid foods and calorie worries altogether and just use electrolytes as my safety net.

I might have forgotten to mention I am reaching the last 10% of a five day fast. You may have heard you’ll get mental clarity and focus and energy, which I haven’t gotten outside of the second and third days and never for long. I also have inattentive ADHD so hyperfocus and no focus at all are the only two settings I normally have and wouldn’t know what ‘increased focus’ actually means for someone like me. Since the pandemic and moving, I haven’t been medicated for it but outside of working, I don’t need it and I’d rather reserve going back on stimulants for when I’m able to work again. So I can’t attest to whether focus or clarity is actually a positive of fasting because I didn’t really experience anything like that. Just like taking Adderal tends to give the average person meth-like powers of cleaning and laser focus, it really just slows me down so I can socialize and react a bit more controllably.

The worst part can be the hunger pangs (which also never quite went away for me but only ever dulled) and the almost hallucinogenic obsession with food. I can smell it and nearly taste it with enhanced memory and I get insane inspiration for recipes that just dance in my head with powerful clarity. And despite the fact that food obsession is almost torturous while fasting, I record or plan how I will eat afterwards, which actually reduces the risk of overfeeding or outright bingeing. But since I’m a soul cooker, I don’t actually have set recipes; I season to taste and experience so I can definitely list off what I use but can’t guarantee you will balance it the way I do. 

The other negative for me is that anything I ingest outside of the supplements and water can turn into a nasty shart later. Not in my clothes because the Bucket List movie’s ‘never trust a fart’ is so true but having to run to the bathroom for a weak coffee colored wet fart is annoying so that’s why I end up ditching the coffee and tea beyond the second day. However, the supplements are useless without sodium and plain salt water is awful so the high sodium broth is a necessity. I just have to be mindful to either dilute it a lot or sip it very slowly between lots of water or I’ll be hitting the toilet.

This is where I have to assert; these small spurts aren’t dangerous, but take them as yellow flags to discontinue. Because of the dark coloring, it was an obvious symbol of tea and coffee being the culprit. However if you expel a full bout of loose stool or outright water, start eating a small amount of food and break the fast gently and immediately. Even taking electrolytes, frequent urination or an expulsion of diarrhea are immediate signs you’re losing way too many electrolytes and need proper nutrients now. Don’t wait this out or try to bear through it or you can end up heading to the emergency room.

That shouldn’t scare you but it needs to be a proper warning. Don’t feel guilty if you need to end a fast you haven’t tried before or aren’t prepared for yet. I’ve had setbacks but I give myself proper healing time then try again.

I should note that because I’ve had so many weight loss setbacks that this 5 day fast has no weight loss goals attached in the least. I’m not even going to weigh for that reason. This is because I’ve experienced autophagy (pronounced aw-TAW-fuh-jee) benefits for pain and inflammation on previous three day fasts and I’ve since read about extending autophagy and am really hoping it can balance my hormones and reduce pain to make my diet and exercise routines (which are more than sufficient otherwise) more effective.

Which brings me to the benefits that make me fight the worst and keep going. Hot flashes, gone. You actually get cold easier while fasting (that much is actually true) so I’ve done something I haven’t been able to do all summer: turn the AC off for hours at a time. I would love to be able to enjoy this along with energy in the future but this is huge for now. Secondly, HUGE reduction in chronic and localized pain. I have both fibromyalgia and touch and go issues with hips, ankle and toes and all of those have been significantly dulled over the course of fasting. Although lethargy and brain fog have not been so magically affected, I’ll take those two things alone and embrace them as evidence enough.

I do advise you research autophagy. There have been proven studies for its effectiveness in slowing and even reversing some aspects of aging, preventing and even treating cancer (again, if you have cancer, this is something you’ll want to okay with your doctor still), cell regeneration and renewal as well as disposal of old and ineffective cells, and even healing old aches and wounds that therapy and medication haven’t quite helped. Even the revised version of how it works can be quite lengthy, so I’ll pique your curiosity to begin with that. It starts with what to expect in fasting stages (anabolic, catabolic, fat burning, ketosis and deep ketosis) and those will often coincide with how to activate autophagy and what the results can be with extended fasting. What I have read on autophagy during five day fasting has intrigued me. I initially intended to do at least four days but since I am still feeling okay decided to go for five. 3 days can go a really long way with digestion and immunity but you’ll start to involve increased stem cell production and musculoskeletal repair if you keep it going. It’s really interesting how your body starts to assign different jobs when digestion isn’t demanding so much energy and your body becomes more efficient at using what is left. And at the same time, your hunger hormones will still keep screaming at you about attaining food so you don’t just give up and starve. This is largely why I don’t seek to ignore or suppress the desire for food. That is not something you ever want to lose. Instead, rein in on how you can use food thoughts efficiently later. If it’s really becoming too much on your willpower, you may want to do something a little physically exhausting (but not to the point of dizziness or fainting) to sleep off some of the fasting period. 

I absolutely intend on sleeping off the last eight hours. Ten o’clock tonight is bedtime and by 6 AM I’ll have conquered this five day journey. I truly hope I’ve achieved the level of autophagy I need to knock through some health issues but if nothing else, I never lose hope and I never stop trying.

I would love to reach more people on the reality of obesity and personal struggle, to stop people from assuming obesity means a lack of effort or laziness or pretending it’s concern to shame or belittle people or even shower them with good intentions and unsolicited advice without knowing anything about the many medical hurdles and conditions that can make all of the CICO/hot yoga/etc banter just die. It’s lazy ‘advice’ and there’s nothing kind or eye-opening about it. I was healthy, athletic, full of energy and a normal weight up until I very suddenly wasn’t. Circuit training and strict dieting worked to get me close to a normal BMI until it didn’t. I wish I could say what will work next but I don’t know. I’ve never imagined there would be a place where P90X3 and a managed diet wouldn’t work. And more terrifying, that I’d watch the weight pile on plus a little more WHILE I was so carefully dieting and exercising. But when something doesn’t make sense, there are complex levels that only working with a doctor MAY help me breakthrough.

I couldn’t get a doctor appointment for blood tests until late August. I didn’t want a long fast to mask any levels or concerns that might help me get accurate treatment which is why I’m doing it now. By the time I go, I will have literally tried every healthy path I could. I’m actually hoping there is some pesky food intolerance I can eliminate or some hormonal therapy that can correct whatever is happening because… let me tell you, it’s taking every ounce of optimism and determination and self-love to face this. I can never have a model slim body but I sure as hell want to build a strong healthy one. The sort that will have me firing off my creative energy without physical limitations again! I can’t tell you how much I’m obsessed with being that person again.

And I blog this nitty gritty BECAUSE I didn’t see much representing the experience of people in a similar demographic. Ffs, we don’t just get here and give up and we need to hear there’s hope! Keep finding your health and peace, ladies! To the rest of you, I’m rooting for you too but biologically, my experiences probably aren’t going to do you much good and that’s okay too. I’m hoping the foray into autophagy might be enlightening though!

Get You Some D

Calm down; I'm talking vitamins here!

I mean, now that I know, it seems silly and frustrating that no one thought to test me for a Vitamin D insufficiency years ago when I first started showing symptoms of fatigue, muscle pain and nausea. It's more worrisome that pages and pages of diet and self-care sites never really thought to address it either.

Seems obvious now. I'm photosensitive, meaning more than 10 minutes of direct sunlight gives me uncomfortable blistery rashes and pink skin. You can get vitamin D from two sources naturally: sunlight and fatty fish. While I love seafood, it's an expensive diet where I live. I ate quite a bit of salmon and tuna, likely why I'm insufficient rather than deficient, but I've also taken a women's multivitamin for years.

For western diets, that's often still not enough. So I did the next best thing and supplemented D3, an addition that is only a week in.

Here are the details: we should be getting between 1000-4000 IU of vitamin D daily. My multivitamin has 1000 and each tablet of my supplement provides another 1000. Right now, I am taking two, about 3000 IU daily, allowing me to get some from diet and sun as well. It takes about 2-4 weeks of supplementing for energy levels to be impacted.

Because energy is one of my primary issues, I did more research. While a B-Complex is on the top of the list, a multivitamin usually sufficiently covers that. Instead, I decided to supplement another common deficiency that could be contributing to sleep and anxiety issues: magnesium.

It may take a while for this to help me raise my energy levels, to improve my health and moods enough to make an impact on diet, exercise and creative pursuits, but it does wake me up to how insufficient weight loss pages are in addressing just what your multivitamin is doing and factors that may need more attention than a catch-all vitamin can remedy.

And precisely why blood work and consulting with a doctor are a good start. My insurance was garbage for a long time, so it wasn't something I was simply stubborn or blasé about. Also why I can't emphasize enough why universal healthcare is such a huge factor in a productive country. Rather than griping about how people who 'don't work for it' can receive basic healthcare, gripe about why anyone has to pay for it, why the exorbitant taxes we pay are being dumped into shit our country doesn't need rather than the betterment of all. I don't like to fixate on political crap, but our politicians get paid a rather handsome sum to provide such mediocre use of what we trust them with.

Health is all. Bar none. Don't scratch your head, wondering why nothing seems to take. Test your metabolism, possible allergies, vitamin levels. It's almost embarrassing how simple the problem may be. While I can't say for certain this will vastly change the wear and tear over the years, I at least have hope that it may be what has held me back time and again. It may be that I can work more, both doing what I love and making money to afford to do so. 

Ultimately, I want those to be one and the same. That it isn't doesn't defeat me. Things take time and I don't twiddle my thumbs in wait. Do what can be done in wait of what can't yet be done.

Why Some of Us Will Never Be Vegans

First and foremost, I have no problems with veganism itself. As a diet. Let me reiterate that, as both someone who cares for animals and humans, I don't have it in me to automatically dislike someone for the choices they make, whether I like them or not. I frown on cruelty, hatred, unkindness, and purposely pissing people off. I also frown on lifestyle choices that infringe on other people's lifestyle choices or use morality as an excuse for being a bastard.  That being said, I'll try to parse this up with as much diplomacy as I can muster.

1. Eating meat or animal byproducts is not necessarily cruelty.

There's this idea that because we CAN eat without harming animals, that because we're so advanced and aware, we should be the benevolent doormats of the earth. I know the science. I've watched the vegan documentaries. I've read studies and watched people bitch about it. I equally hate what equates to animal snuff videos and I think hunters that kill just to kill and gloat are ignorant bastards. However, your average hunters have a damn good point about using our intellect and studies to control animal population and even feel the remorse and importance of using the remains rather than leaving them to rot and waste. Well, why don't we control animal populations? Good question and I ask myself that too. Mainly because we ARE the prominent species and we set the laws for bodily autonomy and sometimes they suck. Because I'm pro-choice, I also care about babies and people, not fetuses. I understand that this is an opinion and not one that everyone shares. Call me immoral but it's not for me to decide for someone else nor demand their reasons for it.

It's not either or. I care about animals too. I absolutely adore my cichlids but they have the tendency to eat each other. Should I tell you why I'm not morally opposed to that? It's because this practice is their way of preserving the population of the ones most likely to thrive and because if all 400 eggs lived every time, I could easily destroy the pond ecosystems around here trying to set free all the ones I couldn't afford to feed. Animals, though of a different intelligence, do have a built-in ability to understand the needs of their ecosystem. Humans are... well, we're TOO fucking compassionate. Some of us literally hug the planet to death, and that includes all the ones claiming the moral high ground. In fact, they're often the most myopic about how much damage they might actually be doing. Somehow our higher intelligence created the concept of cruelty and it can even be toxic in its extremes because drawing moral lines is always going to create 'good' and 'bad' that is sometimes really neither.

I'm the kind of person that when your pet bird chomps on my nose, I'll cry while I gently pinch its beak open or when your puppy is running free, I'll snatch it up from running in the street even when it bites my arm bloody (true stories). I don't hate animals but I accept they are both capable of kindness and being bastards the world is probably better off without. Cruelty is a shaky construct and you're just not going to win everyone on this.

2. Not all of us are creatures of excess.

While I can agree that all wealthy countries are consuming too much, it's not just about meat. There are many of us who already consume in moderation. I rarely eat steak, mostly a fan of fish and sometimes turkey or chicken, but I actually love veggies and fruits and even weird ones like seaweed. Vegans often argue a blue streak about how its not a lifestyle of excess, but if everyone were to become a vegan, agriculture's excess would be more destructive than animal meat production. I'm sure someone is making up for my not-so-meaty diet with three times what a person should eat, but again-- it's not my duty to worry about the balance of my diet and lament the futility of reducing my carbon footprint to account for all the heathens that muddy mine.

The arguments about heart disease and the problems of obesity come from abuse, not use. Which brings me to the next one.

3. Some of us can't. Can't 'work up to it', can't 'adjust to it', CAN'T.

I was born with poor circulation and a picky digestive system. It took me a lot of trial and error over the years to find a regular diet that works. If I want to get adventurous, I have the pleasure of taking a big swig of minty milk of magnesia before I eat. Veggies, as much as I do love, are the most destructive in the quantities it takes to make a vegan diet sustainable. Sorry, but it's just not for everyone. You have to have the genetic predisposition to handle such a drastic change and for some people it's not worth it or even dangerous. I'm sorry, but it just is. Some people can't tolerate grains. Some can't tolerate legumes some can't tolerate supplements. And here's the next point.

4. Some people don't want to swallow dickloads of supplements. 

B12, y'all. You knew it was coming, but it's kind of a big one to need. 8-9 horse capsules of algae are about the top candidate for this one. Yeah, yeah, you can grow veggies in B12 rich soil. However, you still have to consume a ton to reach that daily minimum. Speaking of which...

5. Grazing... grazing, grazing, grazing.

At one point of my life, I was an obsessive gum chewer. So my jaw muscles are pretty pro. But an attempt at a veggie heavy diet was the thing to push me over the threshold of jaw pain. So much chewing for raw veggies which is one of the few ways you even get to keep the bulk of nutrients in them. You have to eat a ton of bland joyless food and...

6. It's a lifestyle... of the time-consuming kind.

I went on strict diets when my health took a downturn and it made me think about food all the time. Low calorie foods mean you get to eat more to reach your goal, but at some point, I got tired-- of the prep, the constant obsession with when I would eat next, of the sheer volume and time spent thinking about it. Most 'successful vegans' are also fitness, health, and medical in nature and understandably. Because of how particular it is, it's very likely to be damn near your hobbies and work all wrapped in one. Where do you find the time for anything besides eating and sleeping? I've never met a vegan that isn't talking about it, in fact. One of the things that often triggered depression in my life is that a fitness/diet life took me WAY too far away from accomplishing creative goals, way more so than just a conscientious but still healthy diet.

Not too mention, it's a first-world luxury to have that kind of dedication. And one that is also...

7. Expensive. It's expensive.

And this isn't limited to veganism. Any diet requiring supplements that look at caloric intake, nutrients, or just above average amounts of anything are not going to be on sale that week if ever. When I did P90X, they were pushing Shakeology because holy hell, you need a lot of protein to handle the abuse. I've tried to find ways to actually make the extremes of healthy eating and advanced fitness possible but it's a lost cause and... again, time-consuming. I don't want to go on a 3 hour tour every two or three days. It demands too much from my time, my wallet and my aspirations (and yes, I care about those too).

8. Some of us are foodies.

Culinary appreciation can take some wild adventurous turns. We love watching global cooking shows. You might be able to sell a plant-based diet, vegetarian, to a foodie, but when you take away the egg and dairy, it's just a culinary nightmare. The idea of a world so conscientious about morality that food becomes joyless and efficient alone would be a sad world indeed. I know that vegans see it as a sacrifice, the ultimate virtue that saves thousands, but please, take that victory for yourself and let the beauty of culinary art alone.

9. It's kind of a cult at its worst (and what isn't?).

I wouldn't say this goes for all vegans. I'm sure some of you have worked out how to be really zen, self-content people who probably even convert people to veganism with your awesomeness alone. More power to you. Unfortunately, most of us deal with the Crusaders/Inquisitioners that are calling for the genocide of all who think or live differently. Most vegans are not very tolerable to be around, but I'm not calling for veganism to be illegal just because I don't agree with it. However, the fact being for every lifestyle where people can have good intentions, you're going to have the idiots that ruin it for everyone being the loudest voices for it. If this lifestyle is for you, keep it for you. And if you're ready to feed your fellow humans to lions for not conforming, that may be a big fat red flag that it's a not-so-good obsession (just a tad hypocritical too).

10. Extreme veganism is not that moral.

It's one thing to morally oppose cruelty (those three words together... I almost vomited), another to infringe on others to push the belief. Is it any different to opposing gay marriage, bodily autonomy, etc? While I hate generalizations and comparisons, moral opposition should just never be the RULE, the standard of 'protection' through sterilization. I don't believe you can compare animal and human suffering anymore than you can compare one human's pain to another's. Laws for cruelty against humans is a mark of society and civilization and the laws we use to protect ourselves are more complicated. Most of us do seek to preserve the environment and the balance of ecosystems, but there's a tug of war even among our own kind on how far you can overlap morality with human rights.

Although vegans are often pegged as far leftists, many are perfectly okay with assuming you're worthless if you don't adhere to their damn near conservative outlook on their lifestyle. Using morals as empirical evidence is not transcendent, it's invasive of free will. Although that fits in with the SJW sort of mania, a selective form of tolerance that claims to be the champion of the weak, assuming that the world is full of victims and oppressors and if you're not one, you're the other... That is truly immoral. You take away the ability for people to defend their contributions, to be flawed but valuable, and essentially no one is good. No one. There's that silly saying that when you point, you have three fingers pointing back at you. But there's simply no way to vilify people without yourself being the bad guy too. If you truly find it to be a valuable lifestyle, you sell it with love. Not the bitter taste of joyless vegetable warfare.

Is it an accident or pure greed that turned the first humans towards meat-based diets? It certainly wasn't the easiest way to eat, risking so much to hunt for food rather than gather it. Is a moral standpoint a luxury in a struggling economy? Is it class warfare to lord that over people? 

11. We're not done evolving.

I won't argue that evolution is indeed a fact. I've run the gauntlet backwards of these ridiculous rebuttals with assless chaps and I'm sure you have no new valid proof to refute it. While the Stoned Ape hypothesis is up in the air, it's THEORY (which if you didn't know is a provable set of facts that can be added to but no longer dissolved) that evolution was made possible through the consumption of meat. It carved our path from primate to human, enlarging our skulls and brains to accommodate this lovely complex brain and the egos that protect them. Even though I'm not forwarding my genes in the pool to contribute to the possible future of it, I hope that people continue to evolve through diet and smarter bodies that learn how to process the lifestyles of the sedentary thinkers. That we get less Trumps and more Musks. Better, people who have evolved to eat, sleep, and shit less and think, innovate and better more. A culture of real tolerance and adaptability and progress, one less apt to wish and more prone to DO. Human bodies are not done. We're stupidly fragile, easily offended, myopic about struggle and yet most of us do little more than complain and lament. Processed foods are not the answer, but veganism isn't the sole way to go.

-------

Again, I appreciate the vegans out there that are confident enough in their choices to be content in them for their own reasons. I make these arguments only to vent the frustration I have with the truly hard-hearted and downright intolerable. We need a world more capable of balance, not moral decision. Compassion, love, respect, trust-- with conditions. Now, I can't decide what is moral. That's no one's burden or even within anyone's abilities to decide that for everyone else. Society has some burden to create harmony but that is separate from the balance of individual morals. I'm convinced that perceiving our world in terms of victims and oppressors is a dangerous path. This is a world that needs the voices of the individuals-- the patience to listen and the ability to speak with diplomacy. There are not many people that truly care to look past words, to look at intent and context without twisting it towards their bias, prioritizing what they are entitled to.

I've said before-- ego can be a wonderful thing. If it can drive you as a person, not how you think others should see you or respond to you, I'm all for it. Egos done well do not crush and belittle someone else. My friend Joe will tell anyone; he has an enormous ego. Yet he is one of the most insightful, talented, generous people I know. I will gladly support that ego because it is truly caring, truly beneficial and truly deserved in my eyes. I will gladly support any individual that can feed my ego too, truth be told. Yes, there are conditions, but I promise, it's a case by case basis and I'm not a harsh judge. Really, just don't be a superficial dick and we're good.

A quick addition before I leave, but I'm really not opposed to anyone's dietary decisions. It's not my body, so I truly don't care what you do. I know plenty of vegetarians (again, of the annoyingly virtuous sort and the ones who are at peace with dietary limitations or decisions). I have no issue or disgust with feeding anyone I invite nor care if they'd rather bring their own. My big issue lies with the 'do as I do' insistence. I won't argue that it might be perfectly healthy or virtuous. You're just not going to sell me on restriction when moderation is my preferred compromise. The paleo diet is also working for some people. You might be right that it's not healthy or not moral, but it's still their life to decide for. A lot of things that aren't perceived as immoral actually exist to reduce the damage caused by the prohibition of 'lesser evils'.

Editing Under the Influence

This probably comes off as a fuck-you-Hemingway or a threat to the virtues of sobriety, but in truth, I'm talking about an uglier influence: negativity. Normally, I'd say that this is is the time I'd rather divert to another task. I've also said that it's good to hate your work sometimes, so that's where I'll poke at this thought.

Some people poke bears. Some people get drunk and sleep with them. I'm looking at you, Hemingway.

It's impossible, for whatever reason, for me to like my work right now. I know it's not a genuine disconnect because these are ideas I was just recently excited about so they don't just magically suck-- all of my open projects at the same time? Something's up that has nothing to do with the quality.

However, these feelings can be paralytic. This is where I read about people going through what I am, always insisting to the blogger-- no, it's worse than everybody else's! I can't physically move, there's a weight on my chest, it's hard to breathe, my heartbeat is sluggish or feels like it's stopped, I'm numb. I used to be one of those insistent assholes so I'm calling your bluff. Despite loving my friends, my social anxiety doesn't just extend to stepping foot outside but to them as well. Despite the heaviness or chronic pain flareups, I can put one foot in front of the other (even if the results are a bit Bambiesque).

I'm pretty sure Hemingway wrestled Bambi too.

In these long slumps, unmedicated and encapsulated eternities, it can all feel pointless and hopeless, but it's not. I'm not irreparable, I'm not worthless, and I have to fight the damn goblins with those platitudes to the point of exhaustion, but guys, they're only as 'real' as we encourage them to be. For many of us, the price of immersion and imagination, the mania of it, just has an undesirable downside. I've even said I would trade the ridiculous highs for a serene middle ground, but that's also not a choice. How dare I simplify a complex problem? Well, would you rather give it validation to continue or kick its ass and belittle it? I'm a nurturer, but when it comes to negativity, I'll be a sadist any day.

Get out your gimp mask, depression; you're MY bitch now.

I know that it's not about choosing your attitude. I'm not belittling it that way. But I am saying you have to stop treating yourself like you're so precious too. What? You hate yourself and all you do? How is that precious? How is contemplating ending it all precious?  Even with your survival instincts going full retard, it's there and it's not valuable like hope. It's dismissive and catastrophic. It's telling you to nurse your pain and wallow in it because it makes you deep and strong. Like a vagina. You're a pussy. No matter how you feel about those words or their connotations, the fact is you're reducing your own potential to heal, becoming one piece of yourself when you're better than that.

Also, don't be a dick! Unfortunately, there are zero pictures of people giving a thumbs-up that don't look like total tools.

It took years to admit that those stupid exercises the therapist had given-- take a walk, don't eat garbage comfort foods, focus on breathing-- all of them were legit parts of ending sabotage loops, treating myself like I matter so I'm not encouraging more self-destruction and health issues to feel sorry for myself with. If you're still thinking about editing in this state, it may actually be valuable, but don't neglect self-care, don't use it as an excuse, don't make big permanent changes, and be okay with reducing your workload even if you are used to being a full time writer. Again, these are the sort of don't's integral towards my experience but do try them anyway. Also, probably don't confuse this with burnout for writing. I don't know if this is what people refer to as burnout because I know it's neither about the writing nor the passion or it wouldn't make sense to pine to write again, but no matter what depression or anxiety latches on to, this specific burnout isn't only solved by being able to work.

(*I'm going to add here that my perception of real burnout tends to be a complete revulsion or disillusionment, a lack of finding any value, not just enjoyment or state of mind. Burnout is something that you see in retrospect-- where you walk away and don't come back after an extended period of time. Perhaps this is why we fear it. The distance had to be established to realize it's not just a regular block.)

Writer's block?

 Facts-- while I haven't been able to pen my creative projects with any success, it does make me turn to blogging for introspection. I have been able to edit in short bursts (I do have more advice on this coming up). I'm hiding it from my friends, even though I probably shouldn't. Everything I do requires exhaustive effort but doing nothing is worse. So how do I function?

Not writer's block.

Well, I started by trying to find the emotional connection with my work, but it's pointless (try anyway). If I insist on loving it, I'll fail and get frustrated and it won't happen. Guess what? Don't need it. Instead, I do some joyless line editing. Look for grammar issues. It's a perfect time to outline because you're better able to be concise, grab important story points rather than thinking everything is important. This is where I do continuity checks, look at vocabulary, decide what points I might want to revisit later, creating turning points or Easter eggs.

And yes, because it's loveless, there is no marathon editing. I'm lucky if I can pump in two hours at a time. However, when I'm in a state where getting up to pee or eat is a huge effort, I'm not going to get militant with any other aspect of my life either. 

I might be talking semantics, but I'm not *really* saying force it. One of the reasons I juggle projects is because I often have to juggle basic needs with great effort. 'Nudge things around' is more like it. Shuffle it around. You're not trying to force it or snap out of it or even beat it out of yourself (no, Krista, no more misleadingly hot pictures of sadism). You want to be as firm as you can muster, which requires caution but diligence nonetheless. I know-- it's not easy. It's the hardest thing you will ever do in that moment. But you matter enough to try.

One thing about my issues is that I avoid medication at all costs. I have addiction in my past (present and future, but I'm not abusing/using now) and the side effects are worse than the problem. So yes, holistic means I have to feel the whole damn thing, not just the tip.

I'm trying to be serious, I promise on my pinky. But just the tip.

Medication numbed it but it also made me numb and apathetic and immobile. If you benefit from medicine, make sure you're keeping that a part of your self-care routine. Be an advocate against being a guinea pig if it's just slowly destroying you. This isn't a one-size-fits-all. It actually took my friends and family to point out I was getting much worse. Please make sure you have a support system that can point out how medication is affecting you because you might be too zombified to see it.

Being open to yourself about what you're feeling and what you need is a big part of learning how to walk yourself through a slump/depression. And I know the lows are terrifying and make you feel fragile and they ARE dangerous. We just don't always know what will trigger us into giving up. Celebrity and success clearly doesn't make you immune. It's okay to ignore social media or refuse to look at reviews or critiques, to avoid bad vibes or the risk. However, I do insist you find a way to exercise, mind your diet and kick away your crutches. Limp around, wobble and fall, but you CAN move. I'm not speaking from a pedestal or a safe place. I'm even more certain that you need tell yourself this at ground zero.

Regardless of whether the setback is mild or severe, you can't really actively get rid of it. There's no magic pill, no revolutionary workout, no epiphany from the work you love. Or at least, don't count on it. Because there COULD be is reason enough to work too!

But if you insist on throwing your money at something, I might have a pill to sell you. #shameless

 While there may be exceptions to what works, don't be afraid to try. Be an idea factory, write short prompts or scenes, blog, throw darts at pictures of people you don't like, stay in pajamas but still wander around the neighborhood. Because lying there, leaking and whimpering, only makes it worse. Don't nurse and encourage that fragility. Make yourself cry or get angry. Keep your lows an active forward-moving slump and maybe your work will benefit too.

There are a lot of factors involved though. The discipline may include long term attention to care, to coming to terms with setbacks, forgiving yourself the trickle of productivity. Just keep in mind that whether you're a long suffering depressive or one of them rare normal Pokemon that just isn't aligning to the task, there are methods to try.

For the last time-- not a Pokémon!

Find your strengths in your weaknesses and you'll get there.

Really, I hope I could make you laugh and cry at the same time. When you're all up in your serious feelings, a sense of humor-- I can't emphasize this enough-- is VERY valuable. I know some people like to watch sad movies, to get some good crying in, but I usually prefer a comedy, the stupider the better,  so I can look absolutely insane with the whole bucket of emotion.

Plus, inappropriate laughter is always the most therapeutic.

So yes-- edit when you're down too. Distancing yourself from things for fear of ruining them with your stupid, worthless, unenthusiastic, uninspired garbage is the exact opposite of what your work needs. If you want to be a dimensional writer, then don't tell yourself you need to be anything. You also don't need more layers to be deep. It's possible to write a phenomenal book when you're in total control; it's possible to write one when you're a hot mess. It's not the amount of strife that makes you deep or interesting, it's how you incorporate yourself into it. I get it; you don't want your sob story leaking into your strong themes. Again, when you can't trust the emotional aspect, you're still ridiculously capable of finding focus through surrendering to apathy. Rather than being critical of content or tone, remember to be a boring grammar nerd or a fact-finding vulture.

You're never completely useless, I promise you. Every aspect of humanity is tailored into a creative pursuit. There will be days when you can go above and beyond, days where you can meet expectation. So expect many many days of slumps too-- just... well...

MAKE THEM YOUR BITCH!