Fish Shtick

At one time, I might have said that I'm just talking out loud. Now, I can say for certain that I actually talk to my pets. Not in the way you would with someone who might converse WITH you in return, but I raised human children. Boys especially have the tendency to delay speech even when you suspect they understand damn well what you're saying. In the same way, I believe creatures that spend enough time around you start to learn what you're communicating in some degree just as you are.

Don't eat each other? I'm going to pretend I didn't hear that.

I'm sure there are arguments for their level of intelligence or retention or position on the food chain, but there are some parts of interactions with sentient creatures that doesn't fall under mere coincidence. It's not the same as fanaticism or fervor-- I've said before that while there are distinctions between being a critter mom and mother to your own spawn, there are certain convictions where it's not important if they are real or imagined as long as they are beneficial and the connection is genuine enough to have a real impact.

Many times, I've been told my fish would make a great subject for my comics. It would be hard to express the level of passion I get into when I'm lovingly talking about my 'jerks', but whatever it is, it's clear that the way I observe their behaviors does ignite my imagination. It's a mini soap opera in there sometimes. The big pink jerk and dominant male, PinkiePie, tends to be everyone's favorite (and I can't say I don't share that sentiment). He patrols around with the fish version of a strut or he blubs around, sort of lazy in his insistence on claiming two of the rocks (yet benevolent enough to let another fish occupy the one he isn't claiming). He watches me more than the others and likely wonders if I'm a threat to his dominance. He's also vain and insatiably curious. If I'm taking pictures or videos, he follows the camera almost ruthlessly. He hates how I arrange the tank, but his own ideas seem more borne of spite than actually improving things. He's smart though, so if I want him to stop trenching under big rocks, I have to block his efforts with smaller rocks. He's gotten stuck in rocks that I've warned him he's too big for. I can almost see the defiant glint in his eye when he looks at me and does it anyway.

I don't have a feeding schedule for them, but they seem to know why I'm coming near their tank based on their behavior. If I'm coming over to look closer, they wiggle around mid-level and gravitate towards my face or hands. If I'm feeding them flakes, they start to agitate the water before I even lift the lid. If I'm about to feed them pellets, they know they sink so they wiggle near the surface (sometimes splashing because who has time to wait?). Whatever you want to call it, they observe and learn. Even if I throw in an exception, they are pretty quick to solving the new problem. When I started feeding the brine shrimp in freeze dried cubes, one of them learned that sticking it under the water coming out of the filter broke it up. He was like a dolphin pushing a ball around, immediately repeating the behavior that led to the reward.

And yes, they do ridiculously stupid things, but that has little to do with brain capacity. They tend to do stupid things for the same reasons humans do: Attitude, lack of forethought, forgetfulness, ignorance. We're all creatures limited by our circumstances. One of my earliest posts has a concept I've always loved in terms of measuring intelligence (and it doesn't matter who said it because chances are, it's been said many ways by many people)-- if you judge a fish by its ability to climb a tree, it will live its whole life believing it's stupid.

If he can do it, why can't you?

In a literal sense, it's laughable. Fish don't suffer from crises of conscience, at least not in any observable sense. I've seen what might be regret (getting stuck in a rock) or even mourning (when my big pink jerk lost his breeding mate-- he's never bonded to a female fish again and looked for her for days, but didn't eat). Inferiority is non-existent in cichlids, even to the point of blatant stupidity. They're proud to the point of causing stress to themselves for not backing down or not hiding from an aggressor. 

"I'm gonna kick your butt."

I know, I know-- not the point of the quote, clearly, but as much as I love the quote for simplistically relating that intelligence has layers, it doesn't do the nature of fish any favors. Not all fish are created equal after all. Most species of fish although ranging from dull to beautiful are also somewhat boring in nature, so my own experience with fish is still limited to cichlids, but I can vouch for them. If I put a tree in their tank, they'd uproot it. In fact, I suspect their nature is to get rid of anything that isn't weighed down. They dig up and push around the fake plants and rocks and gravel and one time they even figured out they can scare the crap out of me by pushing the airstone into a rock or log and float it (I make sure the tube can't stretch that far anymore). You could make the argument that it wasn't deliberate, but I pretend like I'm not watching and see that they wait until they think I'm not looking to do something they know I don't like them doing.

You could be delicious, so keep it up and I'll find out.

Haaaaa, as much as I observe, it really sounds like I do nothing but study fish all day, but women-- we are the ultimate multi-taskers and this is an activity that actually aligns with writing, designing, computer work. In fact, you can say my productivity even increased despite their 'distraction'.

Affinity isn't an easy thing to explain. I love the little bastards. I talk to the little bastards because there's some gratification in the response to the stimuli. Sometimes they seem to understand and obey, other times they seem to deliberately disobey. It doesn't really matter which it is. Like faith and fantasy, not every aspect of it needs logic. They do like when I talk to them. They do get extremely interested when I dance around or exercise. They even seem to enjoy mimicking me when they can. It's symbiotic and beneficial and a sounding board that works. 

Often, writers don't always need input. Sometimes it's just nice to have a sentient being to throw things at. It's kind of nice when that being doesn't actually have the capacity to give advice even. Sometimes we just need unblinking encouragement. Or judgement.

Probably judgement.

Needs more work.

You Can Make Me (But You Can't Break Me)

I hesitate to make a claim that bold because I know damn well the lengths people will go to break me, both as a woman and as a human being. Is it a little sad to say that I'm aware I'm not invincible and I'm not proposing a challenge to physically cripple or harm me, just making a stand as a writer?

Regardless, this is what I mean-- While fans and trolls can promote me in terms of popularity and sales, there is nothing that can be said that will make me give up my dream to write and draw. I've heard it all-- some people can find no fault (and can offer me no room to grow) while some people absolutely hate things I've done (also offering nothing to improve on). However, good or bad, the words are showing that people are paying attention.

Often that is the way people will strike the hardest. It's not the complements or insults that cast the worst shadows, but the silence. People like Trump, attention whores, would slap the water but eventually sink if we just stopped talking about him. It's why many people have resorted to becoming infamous, eschewing quality and integrity in favor of staying in the spotlight. At first, it did hurt that I couldn't get people to read my work. However, I wondered about the path of my stories and my work when the temptation of money and burden of popularity colored it.

Green can be a lovely color, but often lends tragic results in combination with others. You have a little green and it's never quite as green as you like, so you want more. You gather it and wonder if it's as green as it could be. And why the hell are you not happy with it when so many people's only taste of green is envy?

I know that money isn't everything, but the people who say that most often have more than what is comfortable or not much at all. Rich people can be the most blasé about it, but also live lives so effortlessly comfortable, blind to the things that are auto-paid or complimentary or expected, the red carpets rolled out that they never look down at while their noses are turned up. Poor people can be so used to the exhausting struggle to have enough of it to throw at basic needs that they prefer chicken farming to the endless effort every little detail of survival makes necessary. So many of us are sick of money-- both the dependency and that it's hard to make it fill all the holes in our lives that we think it should.

Of course, I think about money. Taking on writing and art as my primary contribution has not been a road to financial comfort. However, I have never felt like I am more in my element than when I work on it. Many people unfailingly believe that if you do what you love, you never work a day in your life. It's not exactly true taken literally because many people realize a dream is harder work than they're willing to risk when they do make a go of it. Even the people that stick with it have crippling moments where their resolve is tested. Some even admit to quitting for years but still longing for it, just don't want to repeat those mistakes but unsure of what other routes are available. What is true about it is that the work is a compulsion that exceeds duty. Even when it's hard, you're left with a determination that is hard to describe with any word short of passion or love. It's intense even when it's frustrating. You could throw everything down and walk away and you find yourself ending up in front of it again. And yes, time spent doing it is gone so fast. Your body may feel the full 14 hours, but your mind is confused by what time it is. Didn't you just blink and the hours are gone? You go back through what you did and sometimes look at it in a state of wonder. Did you really just do that?

Nothing can compete with that. It's just a fact. You can tell me I suck or I'm pretentious or perverted or boring or confusing-- pick your adjective-- but you can't say anything to me I haven't already beat myself with at some point. You can't amplify it in numbers or voices or threaten to blacklist me. You can pick it apart or slam it with bad reviews. I can't say it doesn't hurt, but it doesn't stop my drive to keep going. Unless I see some constructive criticism, I don't let it lay on a nerve. It's small and insignificant compared to the fire burning to keep going.

Finishing up, I do want to say that you can find fault with my views on this, but what matters is that I am doing something that makes me happy. And others as well. What strangers think I should do will not play into what I can and want to do. While I am full grateful for support and opportunities to grow, negativity has no place in my focus.

*I do apologize if any generalizations are taken as a blanket statement. That's never the intention. I do have experience with wealth in different extremes and I know there are exceptions. It doesn't change the fact that money is a poisonous crutch to so many people and we need it just as much as we don't want to. We don't want to care about it but we're aware of its power. It's not a perfect world and there's no perfect way to sum it up, but it is important to discuss our impressions and experiences in a way that makes it clear we are aware that they are opinions are not facts.