GoT is Done and I'm Not Disappointed

Yup, spoilers ahead so go ahead and jump ship if you're not wanting the series finale events to be spoiled for you.

First up, you couldn't have been that surprised that Daenerys had to go. As I've mentioned in the last episodic post, and as Jon Snow reaffirmed, she gained too much power with her good deeds, too much caution in not seeming weak, that she crossed the line from benevolent queen to warmonger. She outright declared Grey Worm her Master of War. What she clearly planned wasn't unlike a Holocaust, a widespread cleansing and fear campaign weaseled over with words like liberation. Remember in history when kings used words like divine right and explorers used manifest destiny? 

I don't think Daenerys 'got what she deserved'. It's nothing so easy as that. It was that childlike dreaminess returning as she tried to appeal to Jon Snow that was dangerous, made it most clear that she no longer understood the terrible weight of her actions. It wasn't clear whether she was being naive or manipulative, but what he saw was that she believed in it.

The suspense mounted most for me where Drogon began piecing it together and every possibility danced through my head excitedly. Would he avenge his Mother's murder? Would he bow to Jon? When he, in wise dragon fashion, turned on the Throne and melted it, I remembered the profound moment where Khal Drogo 'crowned' Viserys, ending the terrible dreams of a tyrant, and was never more sure that Drogon both knew her fate was coming and that this creature was more like Varys, never more sure that the fate of men had to be severed from the Iron Throne. Drogon represented the deeper wishes of the Realm and even of his Mother, who was blindsided by her good intentions and twisted promises of destiny. 

Though Samwise's idea of democracy was ridiculed, the Imp came through once more and more sneakily proposed much the same thing. The nobility might not have been ready to openly concede to the people, but he took a more civilized page from the Islanders, proposing a sort of Kingsmoot, where the Houses gathered upon the death of a chosen King to convey the wishes of their people.

The Stark kids each took on a position of royalty. Bran took the South, Sansa took the North and though Jon Snow was consigned to the "Night's Watch" (which if you were paying attention, actually positioned him as more of a King Beyond the Wall), and Arya took on the tongue in cheek position of finding what lay beyond that gaping hole on the map 'west of Westeros'. While not exactly royalty, she is all that her aunt might have been, wild and free, leading others and bound to none.

I think the book fans stomp their feet too hard in discrediting the writers' hasty resolution. Personally, I might have hated the slag of more seasons of catty comeuppance and the element of surprise where this story could go was running its course. That they are accused of taking GRRM's Rubix Cube and painting the sides to close up the intricate plots is completely overstated. The writing itself was starting to show that the more he tried to tie anything up and get to the damn point, the more his mind just wanted to make two knots of every one. The frequency of his book releases suggests he's not exactly eager to keep writing them either. Honestly, I'm not counting on him ever finishing them. Hell, he even released that tedious history of the Targaryen's book. He's not really interested in trying to tie things up. Like Tolkien, he just like the playground.

The show did well enough to snap the lid closed but still leave some room for decent spin-offs that can specifically focus more keenly on certain characters or aspects, but still drives a point I've suspected since early on. 

I'll say it again, just as the show had hinted when Cersei asserted that she is Queen and was met with the ever-prevalent quote that permeates fantasy; one who has real power needs never assert it. The minute they feel the need to assert it, they are only admitting their fear of that lie. Just as Varys stoically posited that the will of the Realm was not something any one man would ever grasp. It was never a game to be won. It was a game to be played out. Like every unfinished game of Monopoly I ever played, you play until you get sick of, then you move on to something better.

What disappointed the bulk of fans was that their wash-rinse-repeat wasn't there. The big battles were not strategic enough. Characters acted out of character (which I've also argued before is plausible in the face of traumatic events that they have no gauge for). Characters were killed off, along with whatever beloved theories they held onto for them. Some just wanted another tyrant on the throne. Or some other grimdark wanking fantasy.

As far as I've looked at it, it didn't actually feel that rushed to me. Sure, there were some parts you could pick at, like the rather sudden way the Night King's army came upon them. Yet I appreciated that there wasn't the same tedious and methodical pacing here. It held more of the fuckery and confusion and mistakes inherent with everything I've read on war. I've certainly tired of the all too perfect strategizing that is mostly just boring, drawn out and forgetting that warriors aren't perfect little chess pieces. They piss and shit themselves and cry for their mothers, the brave can turn tail and the weak detach and become bad ass.

It was a good way to go. This is one of the few shows I've been able to keep watching. It never went stale for me. The claims of being too abrupt were too emotionally attached to people's investment in the perpetual longevity of the source material. It ended true to its original namesake: in fire and ice. Neither sappy with hope nor wretched with despair. That, to me, gives it room to still feel like an organic experience rather than a story ended.

I'm crossing my fingers for the proposed Dark Tower series. Yet another one that blows hot and cold with fans. I'd like to see the characters stay true to the source, but I won't be disappointed if they alter or add to it a bit to arrive there. And it could use a better ending.

King, I love your story-telling, but your endings are absolute shit most of the time. And I don't just mean in the plotting sense or even emotional, I mean they seem like they were done by an internal troll who hates stories. I swear he took every method of writing a good ending and thought it was edgy to not do any of that. Or maybe he resents novels, because his short stories don't suffer the same issue.

Even though the Dark Tower movie tanked, I found that the remake of IT was actually pretty damn good. That's another hit or miss of his. It's become somewhat of King's thing to be a bucking horse. Unlike creators like Tim Burton or Danny Elfman who tend to shit gold by sticking to their strengths, I can't hate King for rocking a leaky canoe. If I had a cruise ship sailing alongside, I'd make waves too. Better than beating the dead horse of insisting everyone simply mastering one thing. Diversity is the thing that keeps a creator prolific. Less burn out, more turn out.

Fuck, it's time for me to cut this loose. It stopped being about the topic several paragraphs ago.

GoT--I'm cool with the ending. Peace!

Nerd Pretty

First off, I'm going to come right out and say I'm not beautiful. I know it's subjective and I'm not about downing myself either. Realistically, I have a classic look and can even be cute or pretty at times. I'm not here to lament being thrust into nerd culture because I needed an escape from looking like a cave troll. Maybe that's what makes some of the trolls of nerddom bitter-- that it was somewhat of a choice but more of a compulsion. That I COULD have been 'cool' because I'm not genetically unfortunate, maybe (at least aesthetically). At worst, I really haven't met that many people that give me shit for being a geek/nerd but when it happens, it's weird as hell.

No one is 'too pretty' to be a nerd. I realize you'll find a stereotypical pocket of elitist social rejects that think the only exception to the culture are the hot cosplayers that get hired to dress like their spank fantasies. Want but can't have and still bash them and other nerds-that-didn't-have-a-choice or some dumb shit excuse. Even when you can find countless devoted hotties, male and female, that genuinely enjoy the fandom (outside of being fit and hot) across social media, you'll still find this disbelief. They actually do more than spend thousands of hours making costumes for anyone else because they're actually fans that are doing it for themselves. Yes, maybe it turned out to be a lucrative fluke, but do yourself a favor, fuck off with the m'ladies and kind-sirs and talk to them like people and you'll find some actual fans.

Granted, you still get the 'nerrrd lol' girls who put on fake glasses and hold controllers wrong. It's mildly annoying but ignorable. However, this also set nerd girls back for a while, giving the treasure trolls license to think they could legitimize whether attractive girls could be nerds at all. They can and are and no one needs a gatekeeper to decide enjoyment. Elites are why games and fandoms die. You need the curious noobs to keep the numbers up and keep it afloat. Really, if a pretty girl wants to fake-nerd, enjoy the meme and be glad the name is crossing boundaries. We really can't be mad at 'impostors' because, like it or not, we depend on casuals too.

Here's another thing: most guys I've met, even when surprised, don't need any convincing and are thrilled when 'legitimate' female fans come along. Not all of them automatically set out to court me like I was destined to be their future wife (although you do get one here and there that clearly wants to skip over friendship or has expectations and it gets creepy, scary and even demanding, controlling and abusive if not shut down). I feel for the social rejects, but I think sometimes they get too comfortable in their escapes. They crawl out, demanding fantasy from reality and lose sight of why it's worth it to learn reality with an ounce of what they apply to the fantasy.

It's a strange mix out there, but even when girl gaming culture became widespread, there are still strange assignments I run into. Still people thinking I'm a casual Candy Crush kind of gamer. Young boys don't question young girl gamers but are pretty shocked that someone their mom's age actually loves PS4 and will forego sleep to marathon a great game. My generation of female gamers, if we didn't give up gaming for careers or families, are still seen as a rarity, something that may always raise eyebrows. The box just follows me, but I never minded it even when the occasional troll set out to de-legitimize it because fuck Halo and Call of Duty. If I want to shoot things, I play Uncharted. Preferences exist within a fandom and knowing a little about everything doesn't trump being preferential in a smaller sphere. Again, this is a nerd/geek distinction. Nerds tend to be strict fact-hoarders where geeks are content to latch onto certain aspects and lock it down. I'm willing to concede many people probably know more about a lot of things I love more than I do, but it doesn't take away from the many hours I spent investing in it for very different reasons and results.

I'm using games as the example, but it does go for comics, anime, books-- largely when my tastes don't fall into the pink feminine genres, bypass the happy medium, and end up in he-man territory. My tastes are everywhere and I'll always encourage people to try genres that wouldn't be their first choice. There's a lot of fun to be had in not being a genre purist. There's also gates to crash, trolls to butt heads with, and... quite frankly, I do hesitate to cluster with fans.

I'm sure you've come across it, but sometimes fandoms can kill the love for something. There's really nothing shittier than losing the love of something for being told how you should love it.

I could go on with all of the aspects of fandom/geekdom/nerddom that suck, but really, it's the aesthetic part that really only ever makes me self-conscious. People have to suspend disbelief when I warn them I'm a geek (sometimes a nerd). I don't really wear the uniform and I am not entirely socially retarded. I've been accepted just to be rejected when I don't want to be romanced either. My sexuality is something that makes every area of my life more complex. I'm not rejecting advances, waiting for a 'better' choice and it's hard for people to wrap their head around that too.

Ultimately, I don't care if you doubt that I'm a geek/nerd. Call it a privilege, but it's a compliment that someone is not automatically hostile, that it IS a choice to be a fan or a hermit or whatever label you throw at it. I'm happy that I can adapt and that I've also been able to continue my passion for things without needing permission. I don't feel the need to prove that I'm a bigger fan. I enjoy the hell out of Cons. I raise nephews that will never ever think that a girl gamer/fan is a weird thing.

I don't really need to fight the assholes on this because they defeat themselves over time. I would say I pity them, but that's condescending as fuck and they know damn well what they've chosen and what they have to deal with. They've found a niche for their outcast status and they also can't hoard it. In fact, deep down, they know they need people to love it despite their attempts to chase people off. In some ways, they probably think they're forging and tempering future fans, testing them to see if they have what it takes to carry the torch.

I'm cool with that. Perceptions tend to be stubborn, but they're not the end of the world. I know nerds/geeks really lamented how 'cool' nerd culture became, but we'd never have the explosion of fantasy and sci-fi on Netflix without the mainstream demand. And you can't say it's all watered-down garbage. The underground has seen the light. Game of Thrones has incredible computer graphics and one of the most amazing soundtracks. People either love it or hate it (and that goes for the books-- and not mutually exclusive) but each one keeps the torch lit for the next genre hits to have a chance.

Let's face it-- nerds don't really spend all that much time assessing other nerds. We've got fandoms to absorb, after all.

The Sci-Fi Fantasy Battles

Science fiction isn't fantasy, if you believe the detractors. Yet to me, this is just nerd battles of denial among those gatekeepers and purists we must wade through in every fandom ever.

Science fiction can be fantasy.

Fantasy can be science-fiction.

But science fiction is based on a possible future while fantasy is sword and sorcery (I'm going with the simplest argument or we'll be here all century.)

Not wrong, but you know it's not wholly honest either. 

Science fiction is certainly about heavily exploring science, logic, possibility, droids, space operas... The future is certainly distinct from your medieval-based dragon and knight combo, but either argument is like stick a couple flags in the desert and considering it fully explored. The minute you walk it, you're in for a world of cacti and quicksand.

The thing is not every part of science fiction is cushy in its base of science and logic and some of the elements are purely fantasy. There are elements like the Spice in Dune or even elements/metals that don't exist and have properties that defy logic. It's not always a feasible possibility like space travel being as easy as a cab ride or touchscreens. Time travel and teleportation are very unlikely possibility that are essentially fantasy for that very reason.

Don't think I haven't seen the argument that they are based in the real world so that makes them science fiction. As resented as the genres are by purists on both sides, urban and dystopian fantasy is often largely and even exclusively based on what it meant to be our world. I know that science fiction is protected as being more technical less whimsy, but only the nerds make Star Wars technical forays in their free time and not all hardcore fans do more than just love the hell out of it for what it is. Fantasy nerds can ALSO be technical with building the logic. You can create dividing lines between reason and whimsy all you want but there is nothing in either genre that suggests they aren't perfectly comfortable bedfellows.

(I'm not using 'nerds' in a negative sense since I do enjoy nerdliness. I'm using the purest form here, which are simply the ones that dissect the fandom down to the nooks and crannies. In the same way that geeking is simply the passionate consumption of its existence.)

Fantasy, no matter how medieval or downright primal often evolves purely into the realms of sci-fi. Worlds change and timelines with horses and swords sometimes age into flying cars and ray guns. Purists of EITHER will brag about the infinite possibilities yet place some pretty absurd lines on what you can call the main or subgenre or twitch at combining them at all. People can be hardcore fans of Star Wars and Lord of the Rings alike, but god forbid they share the same spaces. Is it just information overload that keeps people from appreciating the blends?

Hard to say. Writers often cringe at the possibility of being compared to this writer or that, so the same must go for fandoms. I can admit I've had some pretty jarring moments of realization when I made parallels between my work and others, but really, my perceptions were not lines that everyone would draw and was it REALLY as bad as I thought?

In many ways, I believe the dread of comparison is that being better or worse does not work in your favor. Does sci-fi or fantasy do certain themes better and does it really matter? Fan-fiction exists to disrupt canon or satisfy a desire unmet in the original work. It's not meant to be better and most fanfic writers do so with reverence, not arrogance. While I would draw the line at monetizing it or deceiving others into calling it part of the original universe, I think the concept is flattering. Whether a writer is capable of original work or not is moot-- more often than not, they truly love and admire the work they're using and want to play there. As the creator-god in my worlds, I feel benevolent about people wanting to borrow my playground. Play away, but regard my rights to its existence.

Straying just a bit there, but I truly feel the same way about genre. I've never felt some purist guardianship over things I love. It's certainly disappointing when a series I like starts to go downhill. A series will still sell long after it loses its appeal for people and I'd never say it shouldn't. People still enjoying it should be able to without worrying that my dislike will ruin it. Most TV series lose me by the end of the third season. Most books I've enjoyed get a maximum of ten books before I'm done (generous since really, most don't hold me beyond 7). It's not that I don't still play in those worlds, it's mostly that I no longer want to be directed through it.

So, yes, I can be particular, but the difference is, I don't expect my preferences to hold some sway in what is canon to genre. In my mind, genres are meant to be tested and deviated and crossed. Purists want things to be easier for them, but it stifles the progression of ideas to maintain these things, to boot out all rule breakers for the preservation of their particular standards. It essentially makes it difficult for readers who are bored with safety, yet the divisions of genre required to separate everything also end up being a nightmare for the purists. They (general example here) don't want you to use the term 'fantasy' at all if it's not HIGH fantasy or it's not sci-fi if the technology is based in magic. Romance/erotica being allowed to use 'fantasy' at all really irks some of them, even though if you ask someone what their fantasy is, it's usually immediately thought to be a sexual question. Epic fantasy/romance themes like I write really suffer where purities are concerned because essentially it's both and neither where genres lay out the rules. That constant separation completely defeats any claim in infinite possibilities. You might like a LOT of possibilities, but once the boxes are checked, you've become particularly low-res in the scheme of things.

I get that 'you like what you like', but discovering a great read really shouldn't be easy. If it is, that's also where you tend to run into a lot of bored elitism, ones that always claim to always be able to spot the cream of the crop but on observation, really just latch onto debuts that the publishers themselves market the shit out of. They seem more concerned with being 'first' than really exhibiting why it's 'good' and if they do say why, it's never unique to what you'd find in EVERY review. In order to maintain they know their shit, they have some warped sense that parroting these things means that they essentially inspired all of it.

Phew, call me dark, but deflated egos are still a fun shit-show to watch. I am never the one to pop them, but I'm grabbing the popcorn when someone else does...

All right, I won't pick on the most disturbed of my fellow nerds/geeks. I'm sympathetic to what draws the need for an obsession, so I can't say I'm in to see people be completely destroyed by any upset to their traditions. Rattled, yes-- we all need a hard shake from time to time, but the science-fiction/fantasy wars will never end no matter how much more eloquently someone argues it than me. There will always exist a vocal minority that will gain and lose ground with opinions. Wouldn't have it any other way actually. On rare occasion, someone does have a point I haven't looked at, but not every new point is pivotal and most are absurd, Some 'new' points are just reworded or fancier analogies.

Just to shoot the shit, I've actually seen a vegan argument devolve into comparing detractors to pedophiles, cannibals, Nazis... Every argument was an exaggerated analogy, completely using emotion and personal morality to unsuccessfully shame. When their facts can be refuted with other facts (mass agriculture being just as harmful as mass factory farming), then it's back to an emotional temper tantrum. Really, once you've seen how they thrash in the net, everything else is just so tame by comparison.

All right, no more controversy. Fans of everything, you do you. And only you, maybe, because the world is meant to be a colorful place. Oranges and all (if you get how I struggle with orange, this makes more sense. I no longer hate orange, but it took some maneuvering).

Speaking of color (that was not an accidental transition), COLOR-PORN TIME!

As promised, we have the controversial Melchior.

For hair, I went with Persian Plum as the base. He's meant to have unnaturally red hair, but I wanted to steer away from anything to orange and go just a tad into a more purple/pink to cool and darken it. I searched through the crimsons for this one. I never saw him as the strictest redhead-- no green eyes, freckles, skin that doesn't tan but burn. I saw old blood, flame, and bitterness in him so his redheadedness is symbolic of atypical traits as well.

As for the eyes? I found freightliner blue for this one. I always find it fun when sliding around yields a 'named' color in the Encycolorpedia. I wanted yet another dark yet vivid color. In the book, I call it a cobalt blue, but the 'pedia's cobalts were a bit too light and purple for my Crayola memories of this color. I wanted the saturation to play well for this combination.

I don't typically write 'bad' villains. He wasn't born bad or rotten or necessarily IS, for that matter. When I look at these colors, I still see enough light to reflect a human rather than a trope. However you place a villain on the morality scale, creating a conflict in the reader can be a rewarding attempt.

I won't give away too much of Melchior's back story or story here. I consider many of his angles to be pivotal and it would be tough not to spoil anything since his meddling bleeds into so many plots, directly and indirectly.

There won't be any color-porn in the next post (although that's just not in the plans-- doesn't mean I won't change my mind). I don't just want to limit it to a way to talk about my characters at least. I may continue it as a color-for-inspiration theme. I've thought about random picture prompting as well, but I'll throw it around in my head, see what sticks. Either way, we'll see. I did schedule all of these posts within a two-day period, just to be able to push blogging aside to work on UnSung. The next posts might actually contain some updates on that and more since I'm squirreling away time to focus more tightly on those priorities. Will I have some sketches or progress to share? Not sure, but I like to attempt new things on a whim, so let's leave it up to that!

I like to end posts by posing questions, so back on the original topic-- do you think it's important to separate the distinction of sci-fi and fantasy? Marketing ploy, valuable tool for selection; what do you think? If you do feel strongly on genre separation, I'd especially love to hear it. It's the other side of my coin, so feel free to be the devil's advocate!

You Got You, Babe

I might have said in many ways how grateful I am to have the support system that I do (and that it wasn't always so ideal or even present at all). I see many people twisted up over the lack of support, and namely a very specific disappointment in a certain party. Women upset that their fiancés aren't enthusiastic about reading their work, individuals of all ages (even adults) lamenting discouraging or outright hostile parents, people wondering if they should ditch friends that avoid reading it at all costs.

Yet the more you push, the more resistance you will get.

What must drive you, and what you must never become complacent with or spoiled by even when your support is phenomenal, is you. I know it sounds insultingly simple and you'll hear it said a million ways by writers reaching out to support other writers, but you must do you.

Without knowing how you're built to be receptive to change, most people (myself included) will resist the more people insist. I tried to push people to believe in me at one point, but it's time and energy wasted in how I could keep proving I had what it takes. I'm not a joiner and I don't know why I thought I was so rare in that, but I find that most people aren't anxious to swim with the other fish upstream unless the reward for the effort is irresistible.

Well, what effort is involved in just passively sharing your work on social media, or word of mouth? A great deal of people also want to believe we discovered our most treasured assets and there's also a HUGE amount of pressure you're putting on them to be what you want from them. They do want to be your fan in some sense, but they don't want to seem like that simply because of that relationship. They look like a tool and anyone they talk to is suspicious as to whether they REALLY like it. You may be writing something they've never been interested in and even if its genre is close, it still might not be the tone they enjoy. They might see your writing voice as uncomfortably intimate and don't want to know how you bare yourself as a writer to the public. They also see how much it means to you and even the most honest friends might be terrified to jab too deep and send you into depression.

Even though I offer reasons, this isn't a good way to analyze their motives with a game of twenty questions. Really, you have to go passive on this one. Let them come to you but don't be wounded if they pretend ignorance. You probably exhibit sensitivities that make it difficult to approach you. Work on that.

How? Again, this work is about you. Delve into it, refine it, tear it apart, lay it open to critics and bleed. It can take many, many years to get a peep out of the people closest to you. You might want to find cynical reasons or use that writer's mind to weave a tale of their bitterness and resentment for your passion. Pfft. Get over yourself on that. I mean it. I had to. Jealousy is like that spot in your vision that moves when you look at it. Even if there's a chance they are, you're kind of just the annoying douche that pokes their eyeball to try to make them see it.

Like the header says, you got you. That introversion into your work is your retreat to build and wreck and rebuild anyway you want. Don't turn it into a place of overwork or grudgery in some desperate act of chasing perfection and acceptance. You really have to keep the pettiness out unless it somehow works directly as an arc in your work. You're going to make a lot of work for yourself undoing whatever garbage piles up around you unless you work on focusing on the work. You can sit down angry, cracking your knuckles in an effort to prove something to someone, but once you get going, kick that shit out.

I know some of my readers are in a good place. Even better than the place I'm in on some comparative scale even. You can back me up or refine the idea I'm on then. This is going to be more for the inexperienced or struggling ones who just can't kick the melancholy of where they are as opposed to where they want to be or think they should be.

No one can promise you'll shine like a beacon and turn over all your opposition. In fact, when you do well, quite the opposite is a possibility. What you need at every point of time is the state of mind to keep going no matter how celebrated or vilified you are. Be the consummate hero (or villain) and champion your ideals. Don't worry about whether it's good or bad. It's very unlikely you'll unknowingly pass some point of no-return. Mastery is a slow climb and you'll always find places to change tact, to be more present in life or buckle down on neglected writing.

Only you can give you that state of mind. I know you have you. It's your certainty. You won't become disembodied and regrets are beneath you. Start now. Change now. Work now. Keep at it. Fall off the wagon, get back in. Build a better wagon. Burn the damn wagon and get a sexy Italian sportscar. A sense of humor and a creative view on your life? You'll need them. Now kick some ass and consider every new fan, every loved one who joins your cause a little more, an unforeseen bonus.

You have to earn it to appreciate it. You can't expect it, no matter how hard you work. A loyalty prize is a cheap win-- it feels DAMN good to win the unwinnable. 

COLOR-PORN TIME!

I know I'm driving some people nuts with my damn subtleties but bear with me. This is Ashe's color scheme. That is not the same white as Dinsch's. Ashe's hair is more of a cream-tinted white, as his is not the platinum of albinism but just a truly light shade of blonde with a warm yellow base (platinum is a cooler base, which is I leaned on a green base for Dinsch). I rolled the mouse to choose these so no cheap presets would do (although I was pleasantly surprised to see my 'discovered' white is alternately called Albany Paint Brilliant White so someone liked it enough to honor it with a name). I found this medium blue then desaturated it a bit so it actually feels warmer and less electric in brightness. In the story, Ashe's white/blue combo is noted by Rienna since her fiancé shared those traits although she insists that her fiancé's hair is even whiter and his eyes even lighter, so I'd have to hit the palette for him too, create distinctions that aren't just tuned to my insane eyes.

Ashe's eyes take on a true blue hue called cerulean (link only to avoid confusion), and the Crayola version is what I had in mind. 

Side note: Their actual cerulean crayon was my first color crush. I actually had one that was poorly mixed as a kid so the radiant blue sometimes streaked with flecks of deep green. Every time I used it, brilliant scenes of mermaids and seagulls and worlds where the sea and sky blurred together filled my mind. Sadly, I haven't found another with that magic since but it remains vivid.

As for Ashe, his character is almost irritatingly playful. Seemingly simple-minded and shallow, happy-go-lucky and content to follow but comfortable enough to lead. I needed his coloration to eliminate any hint of coldness, to mask the horrors of his past as much as his outer persona did. If anything, he is adaptable and even perceptive, allowing himself to be insulted or confronted, taking no offense to someone blowing off steam. He knows when to be serious, but it is also a shallow mantle, one he doesn't fasten on too tight and is keen to shed as soon as possible. He is black and white in one container, which makes him a truly interesting character to develop.

Now that Ashe had his runway moment, I'll sneak peak the next color-porn feature to come with... Night. Oy. I'm going to be a pain in the ass again, but he's the dark child of my heart and I'm going to have to justify my pain-in-the-ass distinctions again.

Are you the master of your workflow or is there a chip (or chunk) in your armor? Feel free to vent or brag below!

You Can Make Me (But You Can't Break Me)

I hesitate to make a claim that bold because I know damn well the lengths people will go to break me, both as a woman and as a human being. Is it a little sad to say that I'm aware I'm not invincible and I'm not proposing a challenge to physically cripple or harm me, just making a stand as a writer?

Regardless, this is what I mean-- While fans and trolls can promote me in terms of popularity and sales, there is nothing that can be said that will make me give up my dream to write and draw. I've heard it all-- some people can find no fault (and can offer me no room to grow) while some people absolutely hate things I've done (also offering nothing to improve on). However, good or bad, the words are showing that people are paying attention.

Often that is the way people will strike the hardest. It's not the complements or insults that cast the worst shadows, but the silence. People like Trump, attention whores, would slap the water but eventually sink if we just stopped talking about him. It's why many people have resorted to becoming infamous, eschewing quality and integrity in favor of staying in the spotlight. At first, it did hurt that I couldn't get people to read my work. However, I wondered about the path of my stories and my work when the temptation of money and burden of popularity colored it.

Green can be a lovely color, but often lends tragic results in combination with others. You have a little green and it's never quite as green as you like, so you want more. You gather it and wonder if it's as green as it could be. And why the hell are you not happy with it when so many people's only taste of green is envy?

I know that money isn't everything, but the people who say that most often have more than what is comfortable or not much at all. Rich people can be the most blasé about it, but also live lives so effortlessly comfortable, blind to the things that are auto-paid or complimentary or expected, the red carpets rolled out that they never look down at while their noses are turned up. Poor people can be so used to the exhausting struggle to have enough of it to throw at basic needs that they prefer chicken farming to the endless effort every little detail of survival makes necessary. So many of us are sick of money-- both the dependency and that it's hard to make it fill all the holes in our lives that we think it should.

Of course, I think about money. Taking on writing and art as my primary contribution has not been a road to financial comfort. However, I have never felt like I am more in my element than when I work on it. Many people unfailingly believe that if you do what you love, you never work a day in your life. It's not exactly true taken literally because many people realize a dream is harder work than they're willing to risk when they do make a go of it. Even the people that stick with it have crippling moments where their resolve is tested. Some even admit to quitting for years but still longing for it, just don't want to repeat those mistakes but unsure of what other routes are available. What is true about it is that the work is a compulsion that exceeds duty. Even when it's hard, you're left with a determination that is hard to describe with any word short of passion or love. It's intense even when it's frustrating. You could throw everything down and walk away and you find yourself ending up in front of it again. And yes, time spent doing it is gone so fast. Your body may feel the full 14 hours, but your mind is confused by what time it is. Didn't you just blink and the hours are gone? You go back through what you did and sometimes look at it in a state of wonder. Did you really just do that?

Nothing can compete with that. It's just a fact. You can tell me I suck or I'm pretentious or perverted or boring or confusing-- pick your adjective-- but you can't say anything to me I haven't already beat myself with at some point. You can't amplify it in numbers or voices or threaten to blacklist me. You can pick it apart or slam it with bad reviews. I can't say it doesn't hurt, but it doesn't stop my drive to keep going. Unless I see some constructive criticism, I don't let it lay on a nerve. It's small and insignificant compared to the fire burning to keep going.

Finishing up, I do want to say that you can find fault with my views on this, but what matters is that I am doing something that makes me happy. And others as well. What strangers think I should do will not play into what I can and want to do. While I am full grateful for support and opportunities to grow, negativity has no place in my focus.

*I do apologize if any generalizations are taken as a blanket statement. That's never the intention. I do have experience with wealth in different extremes and I know there are exceptions. It doesn't change the fact that money is a poisonous crutch to so many people and we need it just as much as we don't want to. We don't want to care about it but we're aware of its power. It's not a perfect world and there's no perfect way to sum it up, but it is important to discuss our impressions and experiences in a way that makes it clear we are aware that they are opinions are not facts.

Why You Go Ahead and Publish

You've completed your novel! No mean feat! For first timers, it feels like it's in the bag, so you start looking for the lucky agent/publisher who has the opportunity of a lifetime to cash in on your bestseller.

High as a kite on aspiration, your fingers float over the keyboard. You type something to the effect of 'publishing' into that search bar.

Huh, editing... Well, I guess I did that. I ran spell checker after every chapter for sure! Professional? Yikes, how about self-editing? Ouch, steep curve... No wonder some people pay someone else.

Formatting... (And you thought editing was a curve...)

Beta readers? Can I trust my precious to just anyone? If I like it, someone else will, right? No guaranteed feedback. Should I get an NDA? 

Brain freeze! Wait, I'm drinking hot coffee...

Let's suppose you get past the intimidation of the basics. You formatted, edited, read it to the point where there's nothing left to nitpick. Still, something just never feels right. You find a misspelled word in the first chapter--ugh, it's ruined. You edit again-- ugh, you hate that dialogue, that character, why did you give that a pass? You dismantle, you rearrange, you rewrite.

Guess what? You're probably ready. For what, I can't say. If you don't have the confidence yet to put a value on it, you have to know that most authors,,even best selling ones, never love their work when they took the leap of faith and never looked at it since. They often need fans to even help them revive the memory of it.

Wait, shouldn't they know it like the back of their hand? Funny how accurate that saying is. Try drawing the back of your hand from memory. No peeking. Even when I tell you to draw it while looking, you'll probably look constantly as you do. Let's say you have a photographic memory or you truly memorized the back of your hand because you're kind of an asshole (don't worry; I've done it just to debunk an argument too). The recall of even a pristine memory is often very clinical, devoid of emotion in order to exact perfect recall of the visual. Something gives. Your mood, your confidence, your nerve, your dog ate your hard drive, what novel? The point is, your novel is not sentient. Although I would love to see you write a book to that effect, you're probably looking for an out that isn't really rational.

Name any famous author. Their work is shit. What about--? Yup, them too. Because any famous author is just not someone else's favorite. There is no universally beloved author. None that come close even have an entire don't of work that can do no wrong. They've cashed in on their fame, become hated on Twitter... Well, you would trade in fame for a small, loving fan base anyway. Ooo, you want a hugbox? Do you think trolls are less evil when they find you? Oh ho ho, no no no no...

I'm not here to frighten you away from this. To make fans and friends, the work has to get out there and that means trolls and assholes too. You'll get passive aggressives that insinuate how similar your work is to someone else (coughripoffcough) too. Oh, give you a troll over the crusty grey assholes any day. 

Just ask yourself if you're ever going to burn this manuscript or if you'll pine over the what-ifs. Ask yourself if you're truly a storyteller or just a rabid fanchild. 

Why do you publish? Because you know its value. Because you're ready. Because you have more stories to tell and this one is just the beginning of a pattern of completion you're setting. I can't give you that answer, but in this day and age, with all that's available to you?

Because you fucking can.

You can also pull it, learn from it, grow from it. This is for YOU to decide. Scary, wonderful, terrible, terrific, yours.

Thinking Outside Your Genre

As of lately, I know my mind being in my work has led largely to talking around it but I'm sure for my writer friends, this is a place where we grab the sails and ride the wind for all its transient and precious value.

However, I have to say it's the work of others that I also feel compelled to account for these moments. Once more, a very valuable relationship I have with another writer plopped a second go at reading a screenplay I'm always excited to see the evolution of and it really propelled me into my current edit with renewed buoyancy. Antonio Maccagnan-- I need you all to remember this name because his work has the sort of depth, humor, emotional depth and versatility that even this crazy world can't ignore. I find his style and enthusiasm to be really instrumental into the courage and confidence that feeds my own work.

It can be really difficult to find a truly sincere camaraderie among other writers and if I can give you more valuable advice from this, it's to look outside of your usual genre for those connections. Or in this case, it's not always a deliberate action you take. When I received a private message asking me to take a look at his work, it was through a FaceBook group that I had joined only hours before and one I hadn't yet even posted in. Perhaps because it was a personal request rather than a general post, it appealed to my curiosity. Yet another takeaway for you-- just like agents aren't fond of being a CC in an email for general queries, your best beta readers are probably going to be the ones you seek out with individual consideration.

For one, there is no immediate feeling of safety or even competition in the mix. When you're not looking for 'experts' in your genre, you're getting truly fresh eyes. They are often still adept as writers with a similar passion for story-telling but they have completely different angles and approaches that can really enhance what you bring to your genre. Rather than looking for new ideas (difficult to near-impossible), you find a new way to tackle themes that can add depth to your piece that falls well outside trend and predictability. Ideas are wonderful to have, but you're going to find your voice is lent more to how you set the stage, the play of dialogue-- all things that aren't locked in the safety of your usual genre.

When you're not looking for someone to echo your thoughts, you even find very valuable exchanges in the disagreements. I don't always feel immediately comfortable offering what I would have done differently, but when you can build that level of rapport where your opinions hold more weight, then it becomes an experience outside of technicality, editing, a true exchange of knowledge leading to insight into your work that is often overlooked by a casual observer.

That being said, I do hope to be able to do some active searching for what my friends are doing this year. If you're one of these friends that I've expressed an interest in your work then haven't said much since, it wasn't just empty flattery. I know that's a thing for some people, but I don't do it. Truly, I have been immersed in my work and my intent to seek out your work is still in my radar. Right now, it's come down to the ones that seek me out and ask my opinion on something specific. Because my focus is very singular, the ones that give me 'homework' and a clear aim are something I find time for first and foremost. Nope, you don't have to beg or get too formal with me, just hit my inbox or comments and if I can fit it in, done and done. It's always an honor when a friend finds my input valuable.

I never want to give the impression that it's easy to build those relationships and for some of us, reaching out is a paralytic thought. If you're not the active seeker then be the one who offers an open door. Gently remind people you want to hear their 'pitch' and work out what you have time for. Gathering valuable relationships isn't scything fields of wheat, it's more like panning for gold. Find peace in the process rather than developing anxiety when things just aren't panning out. Sometimes you have to let go of active searching, switching into a more passive state so you can continue developing the work you want people to look at. If you're frustrated by time spent fruitless, stagnant on a stubborn path of unmet expectations, give it a passive assignment so you can give the active time to your work.

You'll fall into old traps of unproductive states from time to time, but I hope this can serve as a reminder that you're not quitting when you change priorities. You're placing value on your progress, prioritizing the work. Don't cling to what you think should be a bestseller and ignore the potential to expand your future work now. Many writers hustle to put out work consistently for many years before they find an audience. It's not because their work isn't good or they're doing anything wrong. Many of them met up with the harsh realities of obscurity but kept building their vision. Visibility isn't all advertisements, spam posting, and waving your arms around. It's often about standing your ground, moving just enough to make sure the strongest parts are always under your feet.

Okay, sometimes it's flailing...

Like wacky waving inflatable tube man, it can be a little dizzying, but don't forget that there is no lack of direction (and redirection) to keep up the momentum of inspiration and action.

You, too, can do this! And for the low, low price of free (+labor, materials, time, and putting up with your muse), you will rock! You signed up for this so take it for all it's worth. 

On a side note...

I know some writers get discouraged that most, if not all, of your friends and family are not fans of your work. Do remember that this is very typical and is not an indication of your talent or their love/support. I'm fully aware that sometimes family isn't a guaranteed source of love and support. For years, my aspirations were largely scoffed at and I can even admit it was rightly so. I kept notebooks, sketchbooks, never really focusing on anything, never having a complete show for the discipline of what I was doing. People will think you're not serious-- until you publish a book or two or ten, until they start seeing people commenting about your work on social media. Sometimes it takes a lot of visible little victories to start recruiting some of your closest friends. Sometimes the reason for this isn't awful-- many people closest to you are hesitant to enable you to flounder on your potential. They want to see you reaching beyond their safety to reach others. 

Yes-- some of those toxic people won't ever come around, won't ever knock on your door unless you're wildly famous or are even eager to see you fail because they are afraid you'll prove them wrong. I can also tell you that these people are both very few and will also crowd your view of what is actual and what matters. Toxic people are often like ink on your windshield, keeping you from seeing the cheering fans or even the sunlight. They are not the sum of all that's out there. If someone you respect and love isn't coming around, it may be time to take inventory of what you are putting out there. I've found that most of those people aren't hard to win over. The time it takes to accomplish something big is not the correct value to place on their approval either. When you want that journey for yourself, it isn't reasonable to place all of that weight, all of that struggle as what it took to win someone. That kind of assessment will only feed the bitter, resentful troll in your own head. Rather, understand that they might have already known you had it in you but didn't want to lay the weight of that on you to add to your failure if you couldn't come through.

I know the people that didn't ride my ass, either in opposition or support, when I struggled to perform weren't cruel. They were cautious of how vulnerable that process was for me and even trusted me to find my way. I can appreciate that no one tried to hold my hand because I needed both of them to type (and even when I draw, the non-dominant hand was useful for the hotkeys on my tablet). What speaks volumes is that their silence turned into words of pride for me, buying my books and even calling me an 'author' in conversation. Or like my bestie Emily says, a 'sensei'.

All in all, your passion-people are out there and they're probably not going to be who you expect them to be. The work is what will draw them, for better or worse, so don't apologize for the time and energy you need to spend to make that happen. Let your family and friends take on their important role as is and don't expect them to take on the fan role. More often than not, they'll have the important role of helping you through the ups and downs so you're not blowing off steam everywhere else and turning people off of your work. Their impartiality can be important in reminding you that you're still valuable outside of your work, that indeed you are still a pretty amazing person regardless.