What You Might Need to Hear About Self-Care

Trends aren't necessarily a good or bad thing. Yet when the call fires up for self-empowerment, the steps you take still need careful planning before the courageous charge. Keep some things in mind before you set off.

Don't do it alone.

The 'self' part tends to come with the mistake of isolating yourself or even driving off every temptation or piece of advice that seems like an obstacle. Not every addict benefits from outright rehab either. A support system is just as necessary as the resolve to change. Even when someone seems like an obstacle (that friend that always ask if you want cheesecake when they know you're on a diet), it's likely that you might benefit from a cheat day (some do) and they may be the perfect guilt-free companion when that day comes. Yes, some people may sabotage you intentionally. Cutting out toxic people can be a good thing, but don't be in such a hurry to tighten up your circle that you go full Game of Thrones on your social life and end up with no one to vent to. Instead, work on pulling people in who strengthen your goals, people who boost your confidence enough to see who is actually toxic. Either way, don't shuffle people like cards. Finding a great support system is done slowly and organically and people should still earn your trust and respect, not just share your goals.

Check your ego.

One of the pitfalls of self-care is overconfidence. Rather than humbling yourself to change, you start developing blind spots about how well you're doing and how much you deserve. Yet because you've hastily packed up all your vulnerability, it crumbles out at the first sign of resistance. Self-care is just as much about knowing where you trip up, where you fail, and correcting them, fortifying yourself probably for the event it's just not as rosy as you think. If one ravenous binge or one bad review can topple you so badly that you wallow well beyond it, then you're letting your ego have too much weight in your world. If you don't deserve anything at all, what then do you need to keep doing what you do? 

There's more than one way to be selfish.

I won't tell you what's right or wrong here because your conscience is the guide here. Is it okay to hurt others with your goals? Are you really hurting them or are they just afraid of the possibility that you or them might get hurt? Does the risk make the resulting reward or failure worthwhile? People might accuse you of being selfish or assume they can tell you what is best for you. They may be right, they may be wrong. When someone opposes your goals, it might not be any of their business, but it might be worthwhile to find out what they're afraid of. While it may be selfishness on their part, talking about it could further prepare you for the possibilities to come. I've found over time that the right kind of selfish for me is when I stop being so defensive of my choices and adjust to my failures. While giving up is not an option, the amount of time or energy I devote to an idea may take on some changes. Just like how my writing and drawing sometimes takes a back seat to making money. That goes more than one way. Dreams aren't free and I need equipment to make things go smoother. 

Shame is part of the game.

It doesn't matter how 'enlightened' society is. A certain amount of doubt and difficulty exists that motivates us. While constantly being attacked for weight or choices or non-choices can paralyze anyone, some of us are also motivated by those who are a little too blunt. Now, I'm not saying that the person we're crushing on calling us fat and ugly is motivation to get surgery and change for them. Sometimes you just see one too many strangers eyeing your muffin top and you just as silently make a vow to change. Sometimes people pull faces without meaning to, judging us prematurely and jabbing us a little too painfully. Shame digs old wounds and creates new ones, but attitude is what decides what we do about it. You might not be able to bring yourself to change for anyone or anything, and you don't have to, but we can't stake all of our happiness and hope on wanting everyone to school their shit. However, if the shame you feel is something you want to change, turn it into something that will push you. Like a rubber band on the wrist to punish urges you don't want, train yourself to manage shame.

There will be consequences.

Some of them will set you back while other times you'll be skyrocketed ahead. It probably sounds tedious but checking your progress, and learning when to adjust, will help you put perspective on choices and consequences. The world is also not going to revolve around you nor halt at your feet. People might smother you or abandon you, so there must always be a part of you independent, even detached, from expectation. Reach out when you need to. You might feel too vulnerable to risk bringing someone in (or tell them to fuck off) but not all parts of self-care mean you can listen to yourself. Nothing grows in a vacuum, though you may need to hear your own thoughts before letting someone in.

Fake it 'til you make it.

Despite the devil's advocate memes shitting on this, it's only because it's being deliberately misinterpreted. It doesn't mean to smile while people feed you shit. It means it's okay to take jobs that don't give you absolute joy to save money. It's okay if your hard work doesn't propel you into fame. It certainly doesn't imply that you should wait around for people to realize how awesome you are. It means that, even when you feel demoralized or frustrated, you shouldn't shut people out with your melancholy and woe-is-me, that you're being the person you want to be NOW rather than shining only when everything is well. It opens you to attracting opportunity and energy and people who see what you're about, shedding expectation to show YOUR inner light. You aren't just doing this to please others, but to be true to yourself. I've said before that creating is damn near impossible for me in low moods, so if I can trigger a state of happiness through smiling and laughing and talking, then it doesn't matter how 'real' it is; it only matters that I send out what I want to bring in.

Location matters.

You don't have to go to a gym to motivate yourself to work out. You don't have to type at your writing desk. You don't always get the best rest on your comfy bed. Home isn't always where you pay the bills. I can't stress enough that environments of comfort are not always what is best for us. In fact, when something is off and we can't figure it out, sometimes the answer is a change of scenery. Even if it's just a long walk you haven't taken before or sleeping on your friend's couch, while it may not be your first choice, you might find that inspiration and bliss comes most often from depriving yourself of familiarity and comfort. Sometimes that gym membership or monthly subscription can enforce the pressure of time limits that will stifle ambitions, in the same way that it can be motivation for another. Don't commit to comfortable habits. The things that you desire most can be taken for granted and it may take distance to appreciate them... or you may discover a new preference.

No one can tell you how to do it best.

From the outside, people might gauge what is failure and success differently, but ultimately you must weigh your own feelings and perceptions. Let others weigh in if you feel like you're spinning in circles, but have patience in the discovery of who you want or need to be. Be willing to give up a process that isn't working or take a risk. What you definitely don't want is to pine for something but never do anything about it. There is not much in life that I truly regret that doesn't involve inaction. Some moments pass and become what-ifs forever. You'll need the good, the bad, and the ugly to move towards your goals. Remember that you cannot control how you are received, only how you respond and keep going.

Because I want you to keep going. I want to see who you can be when you believe you can give both to yourself and to the world. I want to see a world where everyone believes in their own self-worth enough to boost each other.

Fish Shtick

At one time, I might have said that I'm just talking out loud. Now, I can say for certain that I actually talk to my pets. Not in the way you would with someone who might converse WITH you in return, but I raised human children. Boys especially have the tendency to delay speech even when you suspect they understand damn well what you're saying. In the same way, I believe creatures that spend enough time around you start to learn what you're communicating in some degree just as you are.

Don't eat each other? I'm going to pretend I didn't hear that.

I'm sure there are arguments for their level of intelligence or retention or position on the food chain, but there are some parts of interactions with sentient creatures that doesn't fall under mere coincidence. It's not the same as fanaticism or fervor-- I've said before that while there are distinctions between being a critter mom and mother to your own spawn, there are certain convictions where it's not important if they are real or imagined as long as they are beneficial and the connection is genuine enough to have a real impact.

Many times, I've been told my fish would make a great subject for my comics. It would be hard to express the level of passion I get into when I'm lovingly talking about my 'jerks', but whatever it is, it's clear that the way I observe their behaviors does ignite my imagination. It's a mini soap opera in there sometimes. The big pink jerk and dominant male, PinkiePie, tends to be everyone's favorite (and I can't say I don't share that sentiment). He patrols around with the fish version of a strut or he blubs around, sort of lazy in his insistence on claiming two of the rocks (yet benevolent enough to let another fish occupy the one he isn't claiming). He watches me more than the others and likely wonders if I'm a threat to his dominance. He's also vain and insatiably curious. If I'm taking pictures or videos, he follows the camera almost ruthlessly. He hates how I arrange the tank, but his own ideas seem more borne of spite than actually improving things. He's smart though, so if I want him to stop trenching under big rocks, I have to block his efforts with smaller rocks. He's gotten stuck in rocks that I've warned him he's too big for. I can almost see the defiant glint in his eye when he looks at me and does it anyway.

I don't have a feeding schedule for them, but they seem to know why I'm coming near their tank based on their behavior. If I'm coming over to look closer, they wiggle around mid-level and gravitate towards my face or hands. If I'm feeding them flakes, they start to agitate the water before I even lift the lid. If I'm about to feed them pellets, they know they sink so they wiggle near the surface (sometimes splashing because who has time to wait?). Whatever you want to call it, they observe and learn. Even if I throw in an exception, they are pretty quick to solving the new problem. When I started feeding the brine shrimp in freeze dried cubes, one of them learned that sticking it under the water coming out of the filter broke it up. He was like a dolphin pushing a ball around, immediately repeating the behavior that led to the reward.

And yes, they do ridiculously stupid things, but that has little to do with brain capacity. They tend to do stupid things for the same reasons humans do: Attitude, lack of forethought, forgetfulness, ignorance. We're all creatures limited by our circumstances. One of my earliest posts has a concept I've always loved in terms of measuring intelligence (and it doesn't matter who said it because chances are, it's been said many ways by many people)-- if you judge a fish by its ability to climb a tree, it will live its whole life believing it's stupid.

If he can do it, why can't you?

In a literal sense, it's laughable. Fish don't suffer from crises of conscience, at least not in any observable sense. I've seen what might be regret (getting stuck in a rock) or even mourning (when my big pink jerk lost his breeding mate-- he's never bonded to a female fish again and looked for her for days, but didn't eat). Inferiority is non-existent in cichlids, even to the point of blatant stupidity. They're proud to the point of causing stress to themselves for not backing down or not hiding from an aggressor. 

"I'm gonna kick your butt."

I know, I know-- not the point of the quote, clearly, but as much as I love the quote for simplistically relating that intelligence has layers, it doesn't do the nature of fish any favors. Not all fish are created equal after all. Most species of fish although ranging from dull to beautiful are also somewhat boring in nature, so my own experience with fish is still limited to cichlids, but I can vouch for them. If I put a tree in their tank, they'd uproot it. In fact, I suspect their nature is to get rid of anything that isn't weighed down. They dig up and push around the fake plants and rocks and gravel and one time they even figured out they can scare the crap out of me by pushing the airstone into a rock or log and float it (I make sure the tube can't stretch that far anymore). You could make the argument that it wasn't deliberate, but I pretend like I'm not watching and see that they wait until they think I'm not looking to do something they know I don't like them doing.

You could be delicious, so keep it up and I'll find out.

Haaaaa, as much as I observe, it really sounds like I do nothing but study fish all day, but women-- we are the ultimate multi-taskers and this is an activity that actually aligns with writing, designing, computer work. In fact, you can say my productivity even increased despite their 'distraction'.

Affinity isn't an easy thing to explain. I love the little bastards. I talk to the little bastards because there's some gratification in the response to the stimuli. Sometimes they seem to understand and obey, other times they seem to deliberately disobey. It doesn't really matter which it is. Like faith and fantasy, not every aspect of it needs logic. They do like when I talk to them. They do get extremely interested when I dance around or exercise. They even seem to enjoy mimicking me when they can. It's symbiotic and beneficial and a sounding board that works. 

Often, writers don't always need input. Sometimes it's just nice to have a sentient being to throw things at. It's kind of nice when that being doesn't actually have the capacity to give advice even. Sometimes we just need unblinking encouragement. Or judgement.

Probably judgement.

Needs more work.