Misplaced Free Time

I have to admit, one of the hardest things I've had to deal with is gobs of unscheduled time. Yeah, I get that this sounds like a wonderful first world problem, but without the structure I'd embraced in my somewhat normal day-to-day life, I've found that I'm dealing with anxiety and boredom in ways that I never have before.

I've said in the past that boredom is the luxury of people with nothing better to do, but it couldn't be more wrong for every situation. For the past two weeks, I've tried to ease into projects like writing or drawing or crafts and I am overcome with this massive sense of boredom and distraction, no matter how interested I think I am when I start doing it. I've even read that this is a normal trauma response to an unnatural upheaval in life.

It's akin to PTSD. The feeling of being trapped by this expansive sense of freedom. There's too much to do and the lingering feeling that none of it is what I'm actually supposed to do. Having no actual idea what the 'supposed to do' is.

So I try everything but the feeling just left me so exhausted that I turned to sleeping a lot. Restless and unfulfilling sleep but sleep that whiled away wasted hours instead.

I might've said that you can't waste time before as well, but with this new 'normal', I can't help but feel that it all feels wasted. It may not be. This may be a valuable lesson in cherishing and adapting to new circumstances.

Slowly, I'm becoming more accustomed. Being able to blog again is one sign. Sitting in front of a computer tends to leave me feeling drained so I was avoiding it. Today, I typed about 1K words towards my book, which is a massive improvement over zero. I sense that there still may be naps, and anxiety, and even boredom to come, but I'm also feeling as if I can adapt as long as I really listen to my body right now.

Not all the crazy cravings to eat out of boredom. Not the restless need to force myself to do something. But to continue sleeping when the strong desire strikes and to lead myself towards my other desires gently. Because nothing will improve by forcing my hand right now. It simply saps my energy very quickly to ignore what my body actually needs right now.

Taking walks. Working on everything in short bursts. Sleep. It doesn't sound like ambitious motivations, but somewhere in the gentle treatment of my own trauma, there lies the strength to appreciate the month ahead, rather than dread it.

I hope you're all taking care of yourselves and dealing with these changes the best way you know how!

What You Might Need to Hear About Self-Care

Trends aren't necessarily a good or bad thing. Yet when the call fires up for self-empowerment, the steps you take still need careful planning before the courageous charge. Keep some things in mind before you set off.

Don't do it alone.

The 'self' part tends to come with the mistake of isolating yourself or even driving off every temptation or piece of advice that seems like an obstacle. Not every addict benefits from outright rehab either. A support system is just as necessary as the resolve to change. Even when someone seems like an obstacle (that friend that always ask if you want cheesecake when they know you're on a diet), it's likely that you might benefit from a cheat day (some do) and they may be the perfect guilt-free companion when that day comes. Yes, some people may sabotage you intentionally. Cutting out toxic people can be a good thing, but don't be in such a hurry to tighten up your circle that you go full Game of Thrones on your social life and end up with no one to vent to. Instead, work on pulling people in who strengthen your goals, people who boost your confidence enough to see who is actually toxic. Either way, don't shuffle people like cards. Finding a great support system is done slowly and organically and people should still earn your trust and respect, not just share your goals.

Check your ego.

One of the pitfalls of self-care is overconfidence. Rather than humbling yourself to change, you start developing blind spots about how well you're doing and how much you deserve. Yet because you've hastily packed up all your vulnerability, it crumbles out at the first sign of resistance. Self-care is just as much about knowing where you trip up, where you fail, and correcting them, fortifying yourself probably for the event it's just not as rosy as you think. If one ravenous binge or one bad review can topple you so badly that you wallow well beyond it, then you're letting your ego have too much weight in your world. If you don't deserve anything at all, what then do you need to keep doing what you do? 

There's more than one way to be selfish.

I won't tell you what's right or wrong here because your conscience is the guide here. Is it okay to hurt others with your goals? Are you really hurting them or are they just afraid of the possibility that you or them might get hurt? Does the risk make the resulting reward or failure worthwhile? People might accuse you of being selfish or assume they can tell you what is best for you. They may be right, they may be wrong. When someone opposes your goals, it might not be any of their business, but it might be worthwhile to find out what they're afraid of. While it may be selfishness on their part, talking about it could further prepare you for the possibilities to come. I've found over time that the right kind of selfish for me is when I stop being so defensive of my choices and adjust to my failures. While giving up is not an option, the amount of time or energy I devote to an idea may take on some changes. Just like how my writing and drawing sometimes takes a back seat to making money. That goes more than one way. Dreams aren't free and I need equipment to make things go smoother. 

Shame is part of the game.

It doesn't matter how 'enlightened' society is. A certain amount of doubt and difficulty exists that motivates us. While constantly being attacked for weight or choices or non-choices can paralyze anyone, some of us are also motivated by those who are a little too blunt. Now, I'm not saying that the person we're crushing on calling us fat and ugly is motivation to get surgery and change for them. Sometimes you just see one too many strangers eyeing your muffin top and you just as silently make a vow to change. Sometimes people pull faces without meaning to, judging us prematurely and jabbing us a little too painfully. Shame digs old wounds and creates new ones, but attitude is what decides what we do about it. You might not be able to bring yourself to change for anyone or anything, and you don't have to, but we can't stake all of our happiness and hope on wanting everyone to school their shit. However, if the shame you feel is something you want to change, turn it into something that will push you. Like a rubber band on the wrist to punish urges you don't want, train yourself to manage shame.

There will be consequences.

Some of them will set you back while other times you'll be skyrocketed ahead. It probably sounds tedious but checking your progress, and learning when to adjust, will help you put perspective on choices and consequences. The world is also not going to revolve around you nor halt at your feet. People might smother you or abandon you, so there must always be a part of you independent, even detached, from expectation. Reach out when you need to. You might feel too vulnerable to risk bringing someone in (or tell them to fuck off) but not all parts of self-care mean you can listen to yourself. Nothing grows in a vacuum, though you may need to hear your own thoughts before letting someone in.

Fake it 'til you make it.

Despite the devil's advocate memes shitting on this, it's only because it's being deliberately misinterpreted. It doesn't mean to smile while people feed you shit. It means it's okay to take jobs that don't give you absolute joy to save money. It's okay if your hard work doesn't propel you into fame. It certainly doesn't imply that you should wait around for people to realize how awesome you are. It means that, even when you feel demoralized or frustrated, you shouldn't shut people out with your melancholy and woe-is-me, that you're being the person you want to be NOW rather than shining only when everything is well. It opens you to attracting opportunity and energy and people who see what you're about, shedding expectation to show YOUR inner light. You aren't just doing this to please others, but to be true to yourself. I've said before that creating is damn near impossible for me in low moods, so if I can trigger a state of happiness through smiling and laughing and talking, then it doesn't matter how 'real' it is; it only matters that I send out what I want to bring in.

Location matters.

You don't have to go to a gym to motivate yourself to work out. You don't have to type at your writing desk. You don't always get the best rest on your comfy bed. Home isn't always where you pay the bills. I can't stress enough that environments of comfort are not always what is best for us. In fact, when something is off and we can't figure it out, sometimes the answer is a change of scenery. Even if it's just a long walk you haven't taken before or sleeping on your friend's couch, while it may not be your first choice, you might find that inspiration and bliss comes most often from depriving yourself of familiarity and comfort. Sometimes that gym membership or monthly subscription can enforce the pressure of time limits that will stifle ambitions, in the same way that it can be motivation for another. Don't commit to comfortable habits. The things that you desire most can be taken for granted and it may take distance to appreciate them... or you may discover a new preference.

No one can tell you how to do it best.

From the outside, people might gauge what is failure and success differently, but ultimately you must weigh your own feelings and perceptions. Let others weigh in if you feel like you're spinning in circles, but have patience in the discovery of who you want or need to be. Be willing to give up a process that isn't working or take a risk. What you definitely don't want is to pine for something but never do anything about it. There is not much in life that I truly regret that doesn't involve inaction. Some moments pass and become what-ifs forever. You'll need the good, the bad, and the ugly to move towards your goals. Remember that you cannot control how you are received, only how you respond and keep going.

Because I want you to keep going. I want to see who you can be when you believe you can give both to yourself and to the world. I want to see a world where everyone believes in their own self-worth enough to boost each other.

G-G-G-Goals!

Goals.

When people wonder what motivates the super-productive, it can be a tricky one to answer. Sometimes, it's not about the creating so much. I've sat down to write just to stay awake so I could be sure I hear the Fed-Ex guy delivering something because gods forbid they ever knock. Other times, it's just a great excuse to drink coffee and move my hands for a while. Or it's a break from crochet or drawing because my hands are itching to go but the threat of RSIs mean it's time to change up.

Sometimes, it's just a choice I make.

Goals (still here) help. I mentioned before the advertising and wanting to do ComicCon are big to-do's even though I haven't been making much money. At writing. I do take odd jobs here and there that means my fish don't starve, gifts are made, etc.

In some ways, I have too many, but I try not to look at the pile-up. There's the UnQuadrilogy I'm still working on. I have several books started with rough outlines for possible outcomes (one of which actually became a short story instead). I have two comic ideas I've been fiddling with treatments for. These aren't just maybes. These are ones I constantly think about, jot down notes for, all while writing up drafts and editing and the other life-ish things.

I'd love to bottle it and sell it. I'd be filthy rich and could afford a studio and employees and just pump shit out like a factory. However, it's a matter of whatever magic formula appealed to me. Like losing weight, it's not just something you can do for a week and, boom, you're done. To build good habits takes a lot of work and it's always easier to just not do it. Like losing weight. I really need to get back to that, but 'tis not the season when I have much else to do. The fish tank and long walks and running up and down the stairs because every truck sounds like a Fed-Ex truck maintains me for the time-being. The tough part is resisting the temptation to bundle up and eat. When you've got the genetic make-up of a she-bear, this body stores everything like it doesn't trust me not to eat for a while. It's not wrong. I forget. But bingeing is a big no.

It's a mental thing. Yeah, I'm mental, but I mostly mean discipline, fortitude, motivation. It takes patience and introspection. If you think sitting to think is wasting time when you could be doing something, then that's likely part of the problem. Thinking is the powerhouse for action. I can't tell you how often planning and brainstorming for an hour had led to typing 2k/hr for 5 hours of work. I managed a 10K sprint in part-time hours. My usual average is a modest 1k/hr so that's a HUGE time-cruncher. The same thing can be apply to your creative pursuits.

If you have an inner critic, you need some sort of ritual to drown them out. For drafting, it's absolutely pointless. When you are building up an idea, your ego, goals, criticism--they all have to GTFO. They'll have their place, but ideally, you need to stop worrying about everything within 10-15 minutes of steady work. If you have the sort of focus to try for longer, then go ahead and stumble for 30 minutes, an hour, but if you really can't get the creative juices in their own arena and your head keeps getting in the way, time to abandon it and try something else.

If you're stubborn (and I am that too), then it's not necessary to completely throw out your plans, but you will want to change tact. I've posted quite a few helpful ways to dabble in writing-related planning, including map-making, character sheets, blogging, updating social media or websites, mind-mapping, brain-storming, Venn Diagrams, eating, drinking, sleeping...

A common area that writers can forget. If you're a busy person, it's even easy to miss how important those things are to how useful your brain and body are. Eat, drink, sleep. Lots of water and, yes, it will make you pee a lot. There's a rule that I broke for years; you know, the thing video game warnings used to print out? You need a 10 minute break from sedentary work every hour. Having to get up to pee is a great excuse. If you find it too distracting, take a notebook with you (or keep it in the bathroom) and jot things down. I've similarly done yoga stretches or made food to eat while attacking a notepad. You think your art suffers for interruptions, wait until your body slows down after prolonged abuse. You could be looking at months, even years where just sitting up in bed is a chore. It's not just an old people problem-- it's a danger in an era of technological convenience.

It's really not necessary to keep lists like I do, but it doesn't hurt. If you just tend to forget, then setting alarms and making lists are good habits to start. 

Sure, it's tough. All of it. Typing fast, pounding out ideas, those are very hard won advantages to working efficiently, trial and error. It's messy. It's less messy once you build up your arsenal, but if what you want is to actually work on those ideas you're wistful to put to work, then you need goals. You need to devote time, however small. You need to plan what resources will make you more efficient. You need to have actual things to look forward to (like getting a booth and ComicCon, planning giveaways, paying for advertising).

Speaking of which, I'm hearing a lot of writers downing on paid advertising, yet some of my more successful writer friends are always drumming up interest in promotional materials, giveaways and... paid ads. I would, however, warn everyone not to dump hundreds into ad-campaigns, no matter how much of a 'deal' it's advertised to be. Start at the lowest priced packages and if they build success, then move up through the amounts. Ending up in the negatives because you think more is better is a common pitfall. Stick with something budget-friendly when starting out. This is advice I see consistently and something to definitely consider if you're on a low budget.