Big Changes Have to Be Selfish

 And as I’ve said before, there’s nothing wrong with that.

I’ve been scarcer about my digital trail these days but I’m enacting some much needed life changes and I’ve always been the self-motivating type. I didn’t want either encouragement or discouragement and I didn’t want to resort to the old habits of telling too many people what my plans were only to break them. I needed pure personal accountability, not an unwilling audience to beg platitudes from.

I quit smoking back in mid-January. Not cold turkey, but weaning with nicotine gum, which at least let my lungs heal from smoke damage and get rid of the cough. Really, the less you think about it, the less you talk about it, the easier it is to not get hit by cravings or start to psychologically miss it. I needed at least a solid month of it behind me to finally admit I was serious about quitting. Either way, there was still some irritability and risk of giving up so the less I talked about it, the better.

I also realized the effort made me gain an unsafe amount of weight again and I reverted to a weight loss diet and more exercise. Winter was rough and my muscles were tough to move. On top of that, seasonal depression smacked me hard this year. I didn’t want to share that because there’s nothing anyone can do and it’s another thing I know is best to let run its course. I’ve had to adjust to feeling hungry and peeing a LOT as my body is made to adjust to increased hydration and lower calories. But it’s a temporary setback; once I’ve lost the right amount of weight, a maintenance diet is a lot more forgiving. As long as I walk at least 10,000 steps a day and eat for maintenance, I don’t have to worry about gaining it back. I would actually like to do a more rigorous exercise program eventually; I have gorgeous lean muscle sculpt if I put in the extra effort. I might be genetically fucked in some ways, but I’m pretty gifted with muscle mass.

I’ve also put myself on a creative hiatus. I was forcing it too much and I started to resent all of it. I’ve done a little crocheting here and there, even poked at my doll projects a bit, but writing, drawing and editing are all on temporary hiatus and I’m not pushing them right now. I’m using a great deal of energy since I quit smoking and started dieting and exercising. Once I can build up stamina, I’ll likely get slammed with a reserve of creative energy so there’s no point in forcing a constipated trickle right now. In time, I know being physically healthy reaps mental and creative rewards. Giving myself ample time to really crave my creative return. 

I let myself go into neglect and crawling back out inevitably means I’ve had to say no more or even neglect just explaining my absence. I’ve had some friends go silent or even hostile about me moving away. I can’t coddle their feelings and, anyways, we’re adults; they can get the fuck over it or let a petty grudge keep them bitter. I can’t maintain the energy to help them work out their own feelings when I’m struggling with my own. I didn’t ask them to run it by me every time they fell in love or got married or had kids and they went silent on me. I’ve always understood that growth and change require a shift in priorities. Perhaps my problem is that, having not done those things myself, they’ve gotten too used to me always being available to them. 

But really, I’m 45 minutes away. Get the fuck over it, get in a car, come visit. We’ll grab lunch at my favorite café here and I won’t even ask why you ghosted me. You had feelings to work out, but if you’re ready to grow up, no hard feelings. I’ve never been conventional or socially correct, so while I’m sorry you feel like I left you out or left you behind, I’m never sorry that I did what I needed to do to adjust. Your girl survived well into her 30s with undiagnosed ADHD and I’m not going to apologize for practicing self-care now. How I made you feel, it’s valid too, but I can’t beg you to get over it. You will or you won’t. I’ll think about you more than you know, but I’m not going to waste time mourning the loss either. 

I hate to say it, but it’s always the females. My male friends still message or even visit. But I get deep in my feelings too, so I’ll give it time. Honestly, I kept the whole moving thing quiet because it really didn’t seem like it was even going to happen until, bam, it did. Then I had to focus on packing and time got away. I don’t text often as is; didn’t even touch my phone for months through the moving process.

And I survived a week without WiFi.

Either way, the fact that I’m opening up more about the last few months is proof I’m lining up in a better place. There’s still a lot of progress to be made. I’ve only lost a few pounds of the 15 I gained trying to quit smoking. I have more than 50 to lose after that. Don’t bother asking how it’s going; I’ll blabber when I’m ready. 😂 In a few months time, you might see proof of a creative explosion. Just gotta be a bit selfish and single-minded a while longer.

Social media kind of conditioned us into thinking we need to maintain an audience. I’m a little bit old school there; I don’t want an audience until I’ve got a damn good show going. Working on it!😜

Why I’m Not Friends With ‘Them’

First off, there is not a certain group of people I’m deliberately not friends with. It’s never been in my nature, and in fact, in most people’s nature, to exclude this way. We are all aware these days that hate is a learned behavior based on experiences. 

Surprisingly, I don’t automatically block people on social media just for being a Trump supporter, though I’ve been accused of such. Well, what do all the people I’ve deplatformed from my life have in common?

Well, they’re abusive, quite simply. Sure, it’s mildly annoying when I have friends that can’t shut-up about Trump or Democrats in general but I’m really a left-leaning moderate. I don’t get personally offended by generalizations of parties or candidates. I get annoyed by opinions presented as fact, but the common thread for what constitutes as the last straw is simply those who revert to personal abuse.

It’s not a coincidence that they often happen to be Trump supporters because those in deep are in brand for the bully they idolize. Somehow, the pattern of that being in common somehow makes me intolerant against all Trump supporters. While that support is annoying, I still have friends that say so on occasion. Thing is, they’re still decent people and that support doesn’t encompass their identity or personality. We have some very different ideals for what we believe is better, but we remain civil. Our silence against what we find annoying in each other is not subservience or weakness, but respect.

And here’s the crux of it: no one has to tolerate hate, to let other people make them miserable, just for some fucked-up idea that everyone should have a platform. You are free to have a platform in America; you are not free to force everyone to endure it. You are free to laugh that I am a snowflake or a bitch or a libtard or a Democrat, which is easy to do since neither of us are invested in each other.

However, I see it as responsible and mature. And if you think I am toxic or making you miserable, I will also accept you blocking my voice for your own well-being too. What isn’t working are the personal attacks, the sudden shift from finding out I’m not a Trump supporter to calling me names, blaming me for the false info they conjure up about Democrats, treating anyone as if they are subhuman when they fall short of some rigid, personal moral compass of their parroted cult mentality.

Why would we pretend the high ground means giving a platform to abusers? This isn’t ‘cancel culture’; I’m not telling everyone else they’re a piece of shit and demanding they get fired or blocked or exiled. I am prioritizing my own mental health, not deciding how everyone else should feel about them.

I don’t care what you believe in, what you’re born with, any of that; how you treat people determines if I will tolerate you, whether I even want to get to know you. I have similarly block extreme liberals, racists of all races, misogynists, bigots, homophobes... and really, I’m not PC about it either. You can joke about anything with me, but shit gets dark quick when I can tell you’re absolutely sincere.

I’ll be vulnerable enough to admit I’ve sustained a lot of mental abuse in my life. If you’ve seen psychological horror movies, that’s a reality I’ve lived. I’ve been stalked, sexually abused, gaslighted and tormented by psychopaths. I’ve had relatives who abuse the societal expectation that we should forgive family to deepen the abuse. I’m not ‘triggered’ by its presence in entertainment either. The reality is much more intense. What I will NOT do is let people manipulate others into tolerating their abusive mentality, to endure the misery they deliberately cause then act as if they are innocent. 

It stops being about your politics, your age, your race, your gender, your religion, your orientation, your privilege or lack thereof. At any point, the absolute only deal-breaker is simply how you treat someone.

One thing we learn to look for is not always how we’re directly treated, but how they treat the waiter, the mailman, the delivery person, the cashier. It’s a red flag when a cat or other pet seems to instantly hate someone sometimes too. Over time, people have realized they feel better stepping away from social media... however, they miss the positive parts too. Instead of blaming the program, we learn to utilize the features, to get rid of the sources of our persistent misery, to trim our friends list down from the days we just added everyone indiscriminately, to join well-moderated groups that focus on our interests and passions, to watch videos the algorithms learn we want to see more of. And yes, the ads and videos both learn your positive preferences more as you decide to focus more positively.

Eventually, your positive choices do begin to lift your moods, reflect more on what social media shows you. Rather than be a doormat for the ‘freedom’ of assholes to wipe their feet on, you get to share what you’re good at and care about and hear more gratitude, learn more about what you love and improve your skills.

It’s never a skill to tolerate abuse. You will never get better at it or grow from it. You’ll never be the bigger person under the shoe of a smaller person. It’s a waste of time and effort, to always accommodate a stagnant mindset that never allows you to express yourself either. Whatever is kind and loving and forgiving and good will never shine under constant shade.

So yes, I will instantly block you for those offenses. I’m not going to worry about if statistically I’m blocking too many of x group because what if I look like a bigot? Those who matter already know the actual reason. I did not overcome my struggles to keep reopening a cycle for abusers. I know how to recognize who is toxic for me and won’t subscribe to it. 

Abusers have egos that won’t allow them to understand that. Despite the fact they would do the same for themselves and those they love, they simply aren’t willing to believe they do anything wrong to anyone else. They are not willing to accept the simple fact that good people can not like them. They draw lines that always pass blame, define others as good or bad under no uncertain terms, and have to control every situation. In fact, they’ll even say they aren’t abusers because none of those things describe them.

The scary thing is that abuse has become so normalized in regular social interactions that the offenders sometimes aren’t consciously aware of how shitty it is. That’s why it has become such a danger to ‘feed the trolls’. Even attempting to gently correct the slight can cause someone to get defensive and blow it up worse. People gaslight each other easily; A says something, B gets offended, A says it’s a joke instead of just apologizing and says something more offensive. It’s rarely a joke if you have to condescendingly say that it is. Even if meant as a joke, it failed. If you want to laugh off your failure, admit that you suck at gauging your audience and move on.

I could go on and on about how much pressure we’ve been putting on each other as a society, to always say or do the ‘right’ things but never apologize when you fuck up, but I’d be typing all night. Essentially, we just have to be more in tune with which people are just good or bad for us personally. As an American, my countrymen truly need to stop redefining and confusing everything, from morals to freedom to what it is okay to feel. Individually, too many of us are expecting others to confirm to our personal realities, which is a demented fantasy. You can’t treat others like NPCs because you’re the true hero of the tale. 

Yeah, I’ve strayed from the heading topic as usual, but let’s all reevaluate just how much we expect people to cooperate with our bullshit. And how invested we are in bullshit that blinds us to why people might not want shit to do with us.

On the Mooove

I’m going to throw some photos at my blog finally. Moving had its challenges. The physical strain has left me, even now, with some lingering chronic pains. Not being used to the air, the cold brought dry nasal passages, bleeding and, eventually, a persistent sinus infection I had to get antibiotics for. Fatigue and lack of motivation are damn near constant and I know it’s largely due to being an idiot who let her medication refills lapse and haven’t had that balance it was giving me, To be remedied February 17th but I’m still kicking myself for putting myself there.

I’ve done a craft show here and have another coming up February 13th. On another day, I’ll have to gush about Bobby and the folks at Blue Olive Cafe, but this will be a very cluttered post if I try to play catch up with everything at once. 

So... pictures...

First day here. Furniture tentatively placed, but there was a labyrinth of boxes to come that week. We had filled the ‘family room’ space downstairs with all of the boxes and I’d be hauling and unpacking those the whole first week. Only then did I decide I needed a nice large desk and bookcase in the space, as well as a bed frame because my mattress was currently on the floor. As much as I went to bed exhausted, it was a special kind of hell pushing myself up off the floor in the morning to do it all again.

So the bookshelf was the next big change and I must’ve reordered and replaced what was actually on it a few dozen times before I was satisfied. Clearly I was collapsed on my floor bed to snap a quick pic here. There was a lot of that, usually after a therapeutic shower, of course.

Fancy new desk, put together and much better at utilizing space. Not really that fancy; it’s particle board and laminate. Hardwood desks are expensive and, from what I’ve read, not as sturdy anyway. I ended up using Water Seal on the surface for added protection, as well as rubber bumpers on the edges, for both comfort and protection. I haven’t mentioned yet that those pixel magnets are indeed sticking to magnetic paint, a little bonus that came with the house.

Not terribly exciting, but I’m thrilled that the curtains I got to cover my walk-in closet are a pretty damn spot-on color match. Or as close as you can get with premade colors anyway.

Finally got some things up on the taller wall and you can see some of my dolls have a home and the bookshelf is full.

As you can see, She-Ra loves the highest point in my room to sit on. Because cat.

I have an odd amount of bookcase shots... but I think this one came about because the doll that was wearing a purple wig now has a dark blue one? Look, there wasn’t a whole lot to do once the weather got cold, I got sick and the cats were sleeping!

Just throwing some doll shots in there. Realizing I don’t have any of the two now on the back corner of my desk so let me see if I can dig one up...

I’ve since added some dark blushing to the male’s hands and feet, but couldn’t leave them out!

I have a ridiculous amount of cat pictures here but you should know this is a common sight. I have a green laser pointer that they beg to play with by sitting on the mat and staring at me.

Lol I cannot fix the justification on this damn mobile version so I apologize for the sudden centering here, but I’m pretty much done. I have a few pictures of the rest of the house, but probably not the smartest idea giving the whole public a virtual tour of my home.

I’m hoping, come spring, to take some outdoor photographs, both of my dolls and the yard. I do have a passable winter shot from last night when we started getting our first big snow of the year. So I’ll leave you with that, as well as wishes to take care! I know I’ll recover and be able to do more in time, but we must all take life as gracefully as possible. If only to neutralize the amount of people who are about as graceful as a drum kit falling down the stairs...

Secession? It’s Not That Easy...

I know social media comments sections on anything remotely political are pretty much just a dumpster fire. However, one topic I’ve seen people bring up on both sides is ‘simply’ dividing ‘red’ and ‘blue’ states into separate countries.

I don’t have to tell most of you that this is a terrible idea.

I lived in Ohio and now Indiana. While I’d officially call myself an Independent or moderate, during crucial elections where third party voting serves no purpose, I’m a ‘blue’ voter. I used to live on Hamilton County, which covers the Cincinnati metropolis, which is among about 8 Ohio counties that is consistently blue. This is often a swing state in presidential elections and is never red or blue in general.

And now I live in Indiana so you likely see my new dilemma. Red county, red state, almost consistently. I do NOT want to be imprisoned under the authoritarian hell of a Red America.

This is what it comes to. A very stupid ‘solution’ that would effectively trap millions of Americans in absolute hell. I imagine the red voters trapped by their circumstances in a blue state terrifies them too.

Where you live does not determine your beliefs or ideals. While many take to social pressures and indoctrination, many also formed their own conclusions that go against popular beliefs. This country might be divided but it’s not a geological grouping you can just throw fences around and pretend that fixes the problem. After the tRump wall bullshit, liberals especially know better than that being even remotely a good solution.

What makes people’s knee jerk solutions and opinions so useless is that their research rarely ever includes consulting people who have dedicated their lives to that area of study. I see posts about the upcoming COVID-19 vaccine peppered with doubt about its efficacy and long-term consequences and that they’ll let the ‘idiots’ go first. The problem with people’s doubt and questions comes from the fact that they are unloading them without FIRST taking the time to do real research, to consult with healthcare workers (who not only risk their lives but have seen the full-blown horror of it). 

It’s become evident that, like forming uneducated opinions, there’s also an irresponsibility in asking uneducated questions too soon. We have the ability to find unbiased factual resources for the very nature of the virus, but it may be in language too difficult for many to follow. However, asking ‘is this vaccine going to kill us?’ is fear-mongering and inflammatory. Instead, we should be asking ‘if you’re a healthcare worker, can you tell us why we should get the vaccine?’

And it’s not enough to simply trust that every healthcare worker is going to be objective either, which is why polling is a mandatory part of research. Your doctor might be a biased idiot but it’s more conclusive if ‘7 out of 10’ doctors agree.

We all wondered why 9 out of 10 dentists recommend Colgate. It’s not because we have reason to believe the odd one out is right. He’s probably barking at the moon. He might’ve rightfully earned his degree and been educated but then started playing around on the dark web, not updating his education legitimately and now thinks that cavities are caused by 5G signals so he tinfoils his walls. 

But we’ve also seen that tens of millions of Americans also vote for a moron. While this wasn’t the majority of votes, it’s also possible to simply be surrounded by a majority of falsehoods. Which is why it’s so damned important to know HOW to find legitimate resources. It’s always worthwhile to even take the most batshit insane theories and find out the unreliable source that the ignorant ones are taking as fact. Just dismissing them only increases their hysteria. When face to face with the truly insane, I know from experience that the last thing you want to do is burst their bubble. You ask questions without judgement, try to look for whatever trauma in their lives made them vulnerable to the imaginative logic of that lie.

Division, segregation, that is the opposite of progress. We need to stop sorting privilege, stop drawing lines and stop insisting on labels. We shouldn’t entertain dividing this country. We should be challenging each other to tolerate and understand our differences and never entertain making things easier for bigots. This isn’t the time to be forming opinions and questions prior to research. Stop treating social media like Google (or for you paranoid nut jobs, DuckDuckGo, with its absolute shit sorting system). Use it to poll for educated answers and survey opinion, not confirm a bias.

Yes, as a liberal, I do celebrate progress, to a point. It’s not an extreme. Positive progress is very slow and met with a lot of stubborn opposition. As an atheist, it’s always especially exhausting how extremist conservatism wants to build laws, seemingly on behalf of their god. Not only am I quite aware that the Christian god touts free will, it’s also technically blasphemy to enact ‘God’s will’ through the laws of men. We are meant to bear the consequences of our own sins upon Judgement Day, according to the Bible. Subjective ‘sins’ like abortion and homosexuality (and I cringe to even entertain those are sins at all) are not detrimental to human society, which is why it makes no sense to punish for them like society does for actual human harm like rape, robbery and murder. However, religious perceptions (superstitions) overriding science is an attempt to undermine and subjugate, a move done more out of fear and hate than reason.

I’d love to discuss my passionate studies in theology that led to atheism sometime, but not now. That’s a VERY long conversation.

Which is why it’s so confusing that extreme conservatism has been pumping out the ‘fuck your feelings’ rhetoric. Authoritarianism, religion, almost every area they stand for are almost entirely built on how they feel about things, not the logic of progress, science or fact. 

I also think it’s irresponsible if I didn’t mention that I do have religious and conservative friends. I’ll tell you now that this is because there is wisdom buried in religious stories and meaningful progress is not something to be rushed. It’s responsible to admit that I don’t always agree with liberals when they spew extremist ideals either. However, I’m also aware that I do lean more left on economic issues, slightly right on social issues (only because I think a great deal of the shit people are suddenly forcing others to talk about is kind of none of anyone’s damn business).

Obviously, I jump around a lot but it’s difficult to talk about one without inevitably pulling a string from another. If I were a professional blogger, I’m sure I’d poke and prod and edit and organize, but that’s more work than a personal blog needs. I’d consider that more the responsibility of an influencer.

You got the gist. I hope. At this point, we just have to accept that we’re not responsible for how people twist our intent. I’m happy to elaborate for someone genuinely interested rather than condescending.

Stay out of the crazy rabbit holes, folks. Used to be a fun concept for the curious, the adventurous Alices of the world, but too often, it’s become tainted by the rambling of conspiracy theories and damaging biases. The concept of the Mad Hatter is superseded by the terror of the Jabberwocky. Rather than sticking solely to the classics, I’ve always been in favor of writing for the present and future. It’s never a good time to say it’s all been done and we have all we need so let’s quit. There are better things ahead.

Spreading Oneself Too Thin

One thing I’ve always contemplated was how to regard the opinion that I may be ‘spreading myself too thin’. I have no shortage of admiration for people who are able to laser focus on one thing, but that’s actually a pretty popular opinion and one we should assess more in modern times.

Certainly there is room to admire those with many focuses without being over-critical with the perception that they are taking on ‘too much.’ While I suppose it can be an issue when they never finish anything, but even if people don’t finish *most* of what they start, perhaps we should look at the success of those processes in more ways than making sure everything is done.

Some projects, even when started with the intention to have a finished product, are left undone. I’ve found this can happen when you’re trying something new and possibly very ambitious, something you’ve underestimated the sheer labor of. It’s often assumed that someone just gets ‘bored’ or ‘lazy’ but, quite frankly, that’s a lazy assumption. Every project contains a learning process, whether it is something you’re trying or you’ve done it a hundred times before. Along the way, it’s very possible that the errors are more tedious to fix than simply starting over or we’ve simply gotten what we’ve wanted from it and are otherwise inspired to apply what we’ve learned to a fresher idea. Especially in creative fields, you must marry yourself to an alien concept in most other fields; not every aspect is precious and some must be abandoned to apply your skills and attention more efficiently. But it’s also true that no labor or effort is actually ‘wasted’ and that those discarded materials and unfixable mistakes are an important part of your personal ‘résumé’ too. 

Those hundreds of hours of ‘mistakes’ and things left unfinished are the evidence of your efficiency. There’s a reason why professional artists aren’t cheap. We’ve literally taken a task that would take the average of persons hundreds of hours to do and get it done, with no lack of quality, in a matter of hours or days. Or more accurately, we’re able to get it done (and well) in exponentially quicker times. Creatives have also spent hundreds of unpaid hours earning the right to charge for that kind of delivery. While it’s easy to blow off the things that apps and filters can do for your images, it’s still incomparable to the quality done by a graphic artist. Anyone can write a book, but who actually has the patience to format, edit or market? 

Which brings me back to the point of whether we are actually spreading ourselves too thin... or if we’re simply exceeding people’s expectations for what one person can actually do. More often than not, I think people are critical about spreading focus because they themselves actually don’t succeed doing so. So in the midst of many months where you don’t seem productive, it becomes a shocking blow when you finally show the fruits of those ‘unfocused’ efforts.

It’s mostly a positive response that I get over time. People who take the time to get to know me see an ambitious and full body of work. I think it’s easier for people who don’t know how I operate to chalk those times when I’m not sharing anything as a lack or work or success, rather than a skillful process.

Indeed, modern people are more than a little spoiled when it comes to instant gratification. This can make it more difficult for artists because, while our neighbors can’t see our progress (like when we’re building a deck on the house), we’re enduring a period of vulnerability of ideas and a challenge to the great focus that project needs and we can’t reassure others or even ourselves of what progress is actually made. Even in this state of vulnerability, sometimes we have to expend energy defending ourselves against many kinds of negative criticism about our contribution and dedication. Which is also why even extroverted artists tend to shit themselves in a working solitude, to eliminate the distraction and focus their limited energy on a project.

I would never actually defend laziness either, but often it’s a false perception directed at creatives. Of course, it is ultimately destructive if they never produce finished work or never share progress at all, but that’s actually extremely rare. There is always something to admire about the discipline required, but a discipline without application or production ultimately does become a waste.

Sometimes I beat myself up about that too. For a little over a year, I kind of just... halted creativity, or more accurately, large projects. A dear friend of mine likes to remind me that I just spent three years of my life, doing nothing but living to write, edit, format, design and publish eleven hefty fantasy novels. My social life was almost nonexistent, my focus was razor sharp, my ambitious was undistracted. Now ideally, a bit of ‘burn out’ would occur AFTER I finished my second series finished (that I’ve published two out of four projected novels), but that’s just not the way a personal dream actually travels, and also why my friends often have to remind me I’ve ‘earned’ a bit of burn out.

Of course, it does make the professional in me wonder if this also makes potential clients think that this is somehow a lack of ethics I’ll sprinkle into work I do for them. The definitive answer is absolutely not. I do not tell people I will take on a job and never do it. In fact, my actual track record shows that I not only quickly tackle projects for others quickly, but they’re also often surprised that I deliver my work quickly and done well. 

In truth, sometimes my own ideas need to simmer or don’t quite challenge me enough, but I am quite easily charmed to the challenge others present me. I am not a client that will get frustrated and walk away. My ideas will always exist as long as I do. Yet there is a different pressure to perform when I’m dealing with the patience and criticism of a client. They can lose interest or patience in the stalling of my ideas in a way that my personal projects will not.

Side note: this is why I flirted with getting an agent or traditional publisher. The challenge of those eyes on my work was an appealing challenge, but ultimately I decided I simply wanted the experience of creative control. Very few aspects of commercial creativity actually give you the freedom of control and that was far more tempting than literary clout.

So... going back to ‘spreading yourself thin’... is that a concept to be admired or criticized harshly? Really, let’s stop with lazy thinking and start applying a more critical eye on generalized statements or perceptions like these. Ask questions about what they consider their failures and successes, get to know the body of work behind these multi-focused individuals, consider the vast amount of time, effort and struggle was involved to make their work look so effortless.

Perhaps remember that we don’t have to admire single-focused mastery less to show more admiration for the polymaths out there. While high IQs are sometimes squandered through lack of application, this is the exception, not the rule. It doesn’t take a great deal of time and effort to talk to someone and understand how hard they actually work.

Honestly, I kind of pity the ones that don’t bother to ask and try to hurt me with harsh assumptions. There’s a thread of jealousy in people that dismiss someone who is doing something they didn’t think possible that is truly pitiable. It’s also not worth my time or theirs to beg them to acknowledge my accomplishments. Sometimes, people are in a painful personal place where trying to hurt someone is the only way they know how to deal with what they’re going through. And I’m human too. I don’t always have the mental fortitude or patience to reach out to people in pain, so the best thing I can do is simply shrug and walk away sometimes. They’re not always in a position to accept help or advice or have their minds changed.

But that’s also a little superpower of mine. I do tend to sense strong positive and negative vibes that help me decide the risk of pressing an issue with someone. I’m all too happy to help others but I know all too well that even my own good intentions often just stir the pot.

Okay, I’m tired so it’s time to set this mess free into the blogosphere...

Building Community

I’m going to start with a solid opinion here, but it’s a sentiment that’s not rare: there is nothing admirable about being a miserable fuck.

I realize some people might take this personally or feel they’ve inspired the sentiment, but everything isn’t about you, whoever you are. In this case, it’s a blanket statement to introduce what is actually ‘wrong’ with the world today.

Americans have become ‘hustle-obsessed’. They literally forego working in jobs they enjoy or are actually good at and passionate about because of some misguided idea that this is a contribution to society, their family, etc. However, there is absolutely nothing more important to everything and everyone you prioritize than the quality of your time. Loving your contribution is just as important in the equation.

But, Krista, if everyone only did what they love, who would work all these ‘shitty’ jobs that keep society going? If you’re arguing this, you haven’t really thought about the whole picture. I worked with a woman who earned an MBA, had the tools and brains to start her own business if she wanted, so why the hell would she want to work at a Petco? When asked that, she laughed and added with such unwavering confidence, “I love this job and wouldn’t think of doing anything else.” Now, I’m sure some people have this very narrow view of this concept. Well, service jobs are much ‘cushier’ than, say, shoveling shit at a zoo or working on an oil rig. But here’s the thing: what most of us might consider a job that no one would work unless they ‘had to’, there are some people who truly take pride in doing the dirty jobs that most of us don’t want. We don’t need to force people into desperation and poverty, to take jobs they hate because ‘no one will do them’ otherwise. 

What society doesn’t need is cyclical suffering and misery. As a society, we need to gently lean towards utilizing technology towards encouraging more of the more widely ‘wanted’ jobs, not the desperately-needed. This looking down on people who enjoy jobs you think no one wants is a problem, but not the focus I’m after in this post. It’s a small chip in the bigger pile.

What I hear a lot these days, wherever I go, is how communities just don’t work together like they used to. The problem with this is that this NEVER comes from the mouths of people who actually DO work in and with their communities. 

One thing I actively started using social media for was joining the group pages of small towns. There is no shortage of posts about food pantries and clean-up events, but you see the same problem in the follow-up posts about these events: only a handful of hopeful, helpful faces are in the many photos.

But I had to work. But it was my day off and I just wanted to relax. But it’s simply too inconvenient to make the effort. What it comes down to is that if *you* do not make the effort to make it a priority, then you can’t be surprised that you don’t see how hard others are working to create the unity you simply expect.

It’s possible for us to rebuild strong communities again. While the pandemic goes on, it’s an unfortunate but necessary truth that events are a lot more limited for the time being. But it’s not impossible. 

For one, we each have to understand that attitude is everything. Building a safer, happier community means knowing your neighbors to some degree. If you want the luxury of a neighborhood crime watch, the ability to feel like your kids are safe and looked after when they walk around town, the fun of a neighborhood block party, you have to make whatever community events are available a priority. Organizers can lose hope and stop trying if no one ever turns up, but you can really invigorate them just by showing up. You don’t have to be an extroverted ball of sunshine. The best thing about organizers is that they are usually very intuitive when it comes to assigning people roles suited to them. If you’re a shy introvert, they’ll usually hand you a tool and give you a solo job. If you want to be in a more involved job, they’re also usually good at hearing out your ideas to make the event run more smoothly.

The whole mechanic behind community events is encouraging people to fall into roles they’re both suited to and might actually enjoy. If that’s not your experience, then what are you doing to make a more successful event? What would you do different? Events only improve and attract more people to future efforts with valuable feedback.

But you have to be there. Working hard may be part of your passion, making it difficult to attend often or at all, but there are other ways to contribute to the success and frequency of community building events. Most people might assume I’m talking about throwing money at it, which is often very welcome to, but sometimes they have a list of supplies they’re trying to gather and going a little further by ordering or purchasing and delivering what they need is often massively appreciated too.

There are many valid reasons why people don’t/can’t go or find some way to help, but if you’re the sort that complains about how this world has gone to shit, it’s time to give yourself a reality check. Attitudes may suck, but there are plenty of people still making the effort and it’s not because they don’t have day jobs. Participating in community is a priority because they want safer, happier and more interesting neighborhoods. I’ve seen volunteers show up, disheveled and tossing down a box of supplies, and still pasting a hopeful smile on their tired faces.

As a society, we are sick. Mental illnesses are prevalent, people are angry, scared, bitter and disillusioned to the potential for good. But among the unrest, people are still making it a priority to turn this around.

And yes, I used to be one of the miserable fucks. I fell for this broken sentiment that simply working hard or smart somehow put you on the right side of life. However, over time, I also learned that I destroyed whatever contribution I thought I was making with simply suffering and ignoring the lack of quality in this contribution. My family suffered, society continued to suffer, no one was healing. 

Moving to a new town really motivated me to think about this more. I set out determined to make sure this was a town I could love to live in. I was actually motivated by the grumbles of how ‘bad things have gotten here’ to do what I could to see how I could make a difference.

Seek and ye shall find. One of the first local cafes we visited is run by a very passionate and motivated man. He helped organize the Christmas Walk, one of the first events I saw posted when we finally settled in. While talking with him in his restaurant, he talked passionately about reviving a sense of community here and it ingratiated me to the idea. I added the cafe to my FB group page and started liking his quirky videos, commenting that I love his energy, ideas and menu. In turn, he added me and noticed from my profile that I’m a crafter and he just so happened to want to organize a craft show.

I jumped at the chance. At the moment, I’m antsy and nervous enough just being out of work and craving the motivation to do more. When a group of us met at the cafe to discuss how we’d set it up, my sister also mentioned I’m a graphic designer and that I would be happy to make a logo and flyer for the event.

It’s a lot of work and so small in the span of things, but I hope we can inspire each other and this town to keep up with efforts to build that sense of community that so many feel entitled to. I hope more people will want to work for those entitlements. 

The irony being that the same people that grumble about the undeserving receiving entitlements is that often expect the exact same thing from community. However, if you aren’t ‘paying into’ what it takes to make things happen, you’re just a different kind of freeloader.

It’s never too late to decide you truly haven’t been doing enough for the life you want. Humble yourself to that and build pride through changing that attitude.

And hey, I’m socially awkward and introverted, but it takes all kinds to make a community. Open yourself to the opportunity for making that difference.

Plague Trump

It’s not often that I’ll ever talk politics. Like religion, I consider the topic one deeply personal and never a gauge of the character or decency of the person.

However... Trump is a disease. I don’t mean this in a wholly political or personal sense. With great reservation, I set out to do unbiased research on the blind fervor behind his cult-like following. I say this because I know this line of research will be fraught with the sort of brainwashing and deeply cruel tactics that traumatized me as a child and teenager. However, I also know that, because I know the deeply subtle manipulations of psychopathy so well, I am also uniquely equipped to insulate myself against it and hash it out for people who don’t have defenses against the manipulation.

We can’t tackle what makes this cult-like plague possible without mention of QAnon. Thankfully, most reputable sites, rather than censoring this content and potentially forcing vulnerable people to seek more damaging outlets to know what it is, post warnings about the possibility of QAnon being akin to a terrorist or cult-like mentality if it continues to manipulate as it has. For those who don’t know, QAnon essentially is an idea that liberal Democrats are essentially a force of ‘evil’, a cabal of Satanists that run a widespread organization that deals in child trafficking and even cannibalism and ‘they’ are warriors of good, preparing for The Storm, where thousands of these evil elitists will be exposed and Trump himself will ‘save the world’ in doing so. Of course, these concepts, with vocabulary straight out of pure fantasy, simply welcome veteran conspiracy theorists, who attempt to combine their own outlandish rabbit holes into this ‘community’, so it’s really quite difficult to say what all QAnon ‘members’ (aka bakers) are actually buying into. There are all sorts, anti-vaxxers, flat-earthers, creationists and many other easily debunkable concepts run amok for them to pick and choose from.

Like cults, groups like these prey upon the fear, isolation and disenfranchisement of the ones they target. It would be easy to dismiss these people as gullible or stupid, but in so many cases, these people are simply vulnerable, in pain. However, the deeper they go, the less you can sympathize with them. The way they dehumanize opposing views, seek vengeance, and put others in harm with the delusion that they are the good guys saving the world is where the real harm comes in.

While you can’t truly give Trump the credit for this frightening manipulation, his own actions have easily enabled these vulnerable people to believe he is ‘on their side when no one else is’ and even speaking to them ‘in code’. That’s right; he’s not just an idiot who is terrible with words, he must be speaking this way intentionally so that the really ‘smart people’ are getting the real message.

Like cults, the idea is to hook people based on common fears, make them feel unique and like they belong. Rather than simply issuing the truth, QAnon makes it ‘a game’, a hunt through cryptic messages, codes, meta tags, and photos. Not only are you ‘uncovering the truth for yourself’ but you're contributing your own (paranoid and delusional) spin on it. This endless scavenger hunt is an exercise in madness, both further isolating you in a feverish chase of paranoia and even subtly shaming and guilting you into working harder to ‘save us all’. Your punishment and reward systems are so intertwined that you begin to crave the abuse as much as the paltry prizes. Like anything you end up spending time and resources on, it gets harder and harder to pull away and rationalize with the information because you don’t want to cope with how much you have wasted to get there.

To be honest, it’s an exhausting spiral of thought but I truly felt the need to give you the gist of this and how it applies to my own experience. You can easily find safe ways to explore cult mentality, vulnerability, QAnon and so on. 

The oddity of my own experience is that I joined a local FaceBook group for the town I just moved to. Someone had posted about wearing masks, which I found to be an intriguing opportunity to find if there were some more like-minded liberals here in a Trump-loving town. Although I was respectful, if not a little exasperated that I would have to explain science to adults, I happened to question why we should ‘thank Trump’ for a vaccine (that they would likely refuse anyway) when so often his ego-driven rallies were super spreader events.

What followed was veiled insults, bullying and intimidation so I blocked the two women doing so. However, no less than six other women actually jumped in and defended my arguments as factual and not personal attacks, even though they had devolved it into such.

The next day, I was surprised to see that I had been banned from the group, no explanation. However, it’s not hard to deduce that, although I hadn’t broken any rules, the admin either did so to prevent any zealots from retaliating against me or they themselves had an issue with liberals finding common ground here. Two very different possibilities, but since I was given no reason, the latter is more likely. Although liberals are clearly outnumbered here, it’s very apparent that keeping them divided serves the fear and paranoia of zealots better.

Everyone I have met and talked to here is kind and amazing. But the internet is a very different creature. I do very much hope that the plague of paranoia, fear, and authoritarian control that is Trump is squashed with Biden stepping in. We truly have to seriously address what vulnerabilities exist to make so many turn to hate, distrust and blind faith in a man so unworthy of it.

America is hurting. Healing is a hard road ahead but we have two plagues to address before we can build a better country for all Americans.