Big Changes Ahead!

 With the creative stagnancy has come a more fortuitous life event...

My family is currently negotiating a contract for a new home! We’ve already put in our bid, but it is pending prior to an appraisal and inspection. Provided these are all negotiated well, it should be final in about a month.

Last week, we started by trying to arrange showings for our top picks. Unfortunately, while waiting for the realtor at our first showing, we already weren’t too thrilled about the work we’d need to do on the outside. The realtor was running late and we ended up calling to cancel it. This wasn’t the house for us.

Within a day, all of our other showings (7-8 other houses) were snatched off the market and cancelled by the realtors. So, change of plans. Instead of arranging showings, we made up another list of potential houses and decided to just drive out to look at the outside, see if we even wanted that before arranging any more tours.

So we picked 6-7 more for a drive-by visit! We drove about 4 hours that day and weren’t really thrilled about any of them on closer inspection. Some needed too much work, some just didn’t have enough property or privacy. It was a bust, but we got home, lined up another 6-7 to look at (I apologize that this is so non-specific, but I truly lost count).

This time, it was 5 hours of driving. I packed some granola bars and brought along some coffee for this one. The first two houses, we absolutely loved. The ones after just didn’t compare. So we called up the realtor and asked if we could look at those two. This is how we met Amy Broermann. She was the most attentive realtor we’d spoken to yet, immediately disclosing the possible issues with both. The issues with the second house on the hill were worrisome, possible foundation slippage, which would be a HUGE costly fix if confirmed. Since it wasn’t our number one choice, we asked to take a tour of the first one. Major repairs had already been addressed and fixed and the minor ones, some possible electric and water issues, would be covered by the seller. So far so good...

And so we got to this house early and spent some time drooling over the outside, getting more excited as we got a closer look. This was our first meeting with Amy and she was not only from the area we were coming from, but she was really friendly and disclosed everything through the tour, asked us to check windows and lights and poke and prod at everything. 

To be honest, it has a really odd layout. Two bathrooms but all of them are off of bedrooms, no ‘guest bathroom’ off of the main rooms. Again, not a deal breaker just odd. It’s listed as a three bedroom, but we could easily make a fourth out of the room listed as a study. There is a sizable main room and a big kitchen/dining area with a small laundry room and the first garage off of it.

I say ‘first garage’ because the SECOND building was listed as a garage/rec room...

Which would be perfect for my Dad! The upper rec room is actually substantial enough to be a two room suite and the garage area could fit two cars... with a THIRD smaller storage room that could also house a car. Even though there is no bathroom in this building, it is possible to covert the storage room into both a small bathroom and a modest extra bedroom.

Although my nephews would have to share a room at first, we have plans to do just that, work on extra rooms, continuously making this home more accommodating to a big multigenerational family.

It’s still in negotiation, but we’ve all been learning and researching to make the transition, knowing that even if this deal doesn’t work out, we’ll reach our goal eventually. I have great faith that Amy will be able to find us the right home, regardless. We’re preparing for how we’ll get around town, get everyone to school or work, what we need to do to take care of utilities, and so on.

It will be a stressful but exciting process. We’ll likely all be bipolar on highs and lows as we maneuver these transitions.

Still, I have high hopes that this will be the new start that we need. I am hoping a bit of hard labor and nesting might interest my muse for a return. Amy has already soothed a lot of the unknown stress of the process, a true professional that knows her work and is great at explaining to all of us in simple terms what all we need to know and consider.

I truly look forward to being able to say we have a new home. I truly look forward to the work we’ll do to make it our own. I really feel like our family is bonding through this, that we appreciate each others contributions and each other.

I am hoping to return to blog again, saying we’ve got the home and are beginning the work. I may not be inclined to blog often, but I am hoping to take lots of photos of the process and post some substantial news  when possible.

Until then, wish us luck!

*Ive purposely left out addresses and locations for privacy reasons. In respect to the sellers and realtors, etc. some names are withheld as well. I may offer some of the house’s history later, but again, I’m aiming for some discretion. I have no intention of disclosing information that could damage interest in any homes prior to discussing these issues with the realtor, who will be more knowledgeable on their severity. I only mention Amy because I have to highly recommend her to others. This is encouraged by her personally and I am more than happy to recommend her!

PSA: Overthinking Does NOT Make You Smart!

This will be short and sweet, after reading a post that overthinkers can’t be fooled because they fill in all the holes until the story makes sense.

With bullshit, my friends. When you OVERthink, you are not saying you are fully researching all sides or considering the weight of facts. It only tells me that when there isn’t an answer, you’ll panic and grasp at straws.

No reason or logic comes out of racing thoughts. Hell, sometimes you’re not even resolving feelings that way. The very essence of overthinking isn’t the careful resolution of issues and problems. It’s spinning out of control and landing in the mess exhausted but not wiser.

Only once you’re able to both realize your feelings and dig through very uncomfortable facts are you mastering your thoughts into something productive. Intelligence is not about the sheer volume of thought. It is about carefully sorting through facts, and feelings, and developing sustainable logic. Intelligence is also useless without compassion. If you can’t bring yourself to think beyond your own needs and desires, to feel hate or blame, you have not fully resolved to a whole solution. Even the most eccentric, isolated and single-focused geniuses have centered their efforts for the good of mankind.

And in some cases, have been horrified by the abuse of their inventions.

So if you are 100% sure your ‘story’ is flawless, the truth is, you have filled in a lot of cracks with whatever floats around in your incomplete mind. Many conspiracies come right out of the possibilities explored in sci-fi, with technology wrought of pure fantasy, that isn’t even a little possible with our knowledge or ability. Belief doesn’t equal fact. There are always multiple sides to arriving at intelligent conclusions. Being unsure is a healthy sign you aren’t just making shit up.

Overthinking? Just isn’t smart. It’s a sign of irrational distress, not intelligence. It’s like being stuck in fight or flight, with zero action. It’s playing roulette with no ball. Again, you aren’t resolving anything, just stroking your own ego. Intelligence always leaves room for new information where there is none.

What a Difference a Day Makes!

My mind has weighed heavy with a lot of thoughts over the past few months and they’ve been heavier than ever in the past month alone. Yet today, the weather is absolutely perfect and it’s done something quite miraculous to my moods. I woke up feeling refreshed in a way I haven’t in a long time. I almost forgot it’s possible to feel this way. So I started my day cleaning and the peace has only extended.

I don’t expect it to stick around so it’s a feeling I must take advantage of. Experience tells me to nest, to make the space around me clean and organized, that such a simple thing can keep the peace going longer. It’s not guaranteed, but it’s well worth the effort to give my peace a chance to continue.

I’m at a place where I’m pretty damn content with what I have so now is a time to just wander around, pick things up, dust them if needed, and keep them looking appreciated. It’s quite surreal, having saved money while buying things I want and need. I’ve never quite had a job that let me do that and if I did make good money, I rarely had the time to appreciate what I could get with it. I’ve gotten a taste for what it’s like to have a living wage, although I’d like an actual job to fill my time too... but that’s a whole other line of thought I’m unwilling to pick my brain with at the moment.

So I guess this will be a short post. Just one I’m allowing myself on a good day. To set a reminder that good days do happen and we should always embrace them, feed them positive thoughts and believe we deserve them as well. Especially in times where down days seem to be more frequent. Let good days be a lifeline to self-preservation!

On Hiatus?

A friend of mine put up a tweet that after months of not writing, they might be ‘done’ with writing...

It gave me pause for reflection, especially since I’ve been struggling for the past year on what my own efforts ‘mean’... but do they mean anything that permanent?

No. I don’t use words like burn-out or writer’s block or labels that speak to negative OR positive threads of commitment these days. We’re all adjusting to a new and uncomfortable normal and I think it’s been a significant part of my all-around health to stop demanding an extreme assignment for my actions.

Then again, I’ve always been that way, in a sense. I’ve never found it helpful to compound my issues with labels. I’ve never found them particularly helpful to any kind of success. There are many ‘experts’ that might say it’s a form of denial not to call it what it is, but we have so many people these days especially that are so quick to label what they see as the problem rather than put anything worthwhile to the constant but not obsessive analysis that things actually need and deserve.

At this point, it can simply be okay to be unsure. While it’s been a bit torturous to leave my second series suspended, I do have copious notes for how I would like to continue and even complete the books, so I haven’t been willing to say I am done. I didn’t start serial writing with the intent to keep myself chained to the work until it’s finished in a timely manner. In fact, many very popular and known series have suffered years of delays and likely for the same issues I’m having. My heart and motivation just isn’t firmly planted in the world I created, not like it should be. Some authors might actually admit mental health issues being an underlying cause, some might actually have written themselves into a deep hole that requires constant immersion to keep up with the many plots and they’ve only got a shallow foothold in it amidst current distractions.

Either way, it’s okay to admit we’re not machines, solely devoted to our arts. Sometimes they just aren’t an escape or a motivation or where we need to be right now. Sometimes we need larger chunks of time to be what we need to be for a project. It’s plenty a torment for us creatives to admit that since we know full well that time isn’t guaranteed. We want that finish something fierce once we’ve tasted it, but we also want that passion and focus that made those projects something worthy to put our names on. This is probably especially true when you’re relatively unknown, when putting out half-assed garbage might stigmatize the quality of your work.

And again, I’m mostly just playing video games to while away the time. I haven’t been able to focus much on reading either. I’ve been playing remakes of the original Dragon Quest games which I can easily say were an early inspiration for my own ideas. I’m not exactly playing them to get inspired to work again, just trying to remember basic appreciation for where I’m coming from.

I truly don’t know if/when I’ll find my muse again. It’s a time to feel weak and vulnerable because I’m admitting I’m not ‘something’ enough to pursue my dream work. A big ‘something’ is missing but I’ve consciously tried and failed what I know and nothing takes. My days feel focused on basic hygiene, housework, humility and kindness, both to myself and to those around me. It’s simplistic and unchallenging, or rather it should be, but it feels daunting.

At the same time, I do feel strangely empowered. To be able to admit that I am actively in search of myself isn’t easy. It’s always been socially acceptable to only talk about how motivated and in control we are. But if you are in a state of doubt and adrift, it’s not quite failure, as long as you are honest with yourself. It’s possible to even be proud of at least the admittance of flaws, of a hitch in the efficiency of plans, to admit that you’re reduced to a creature of basic function, as long as you’re not wasting time in a state of self-pity and misery. If you’re reflecting, using the time to get to know yourself better, there is simply no point in worrying you can never find your way back to a more ideal state of being.

So if you feel you need to walk away from your dreams, don’t lament it as permanent. Find a way to be accepting of your need to explore some other facets of your life for a while. Come back to it when you’re hungry for it. As long as you live, there is always opportunity to pick it up. Regrets have no place in a life still full of potential. Don’t wish at age 60 for what you didn’t do at age 30. If there’s a will, there’s a way.

Sure, some dreams are very grounded in youth, but perhaps if you couldn’t be the Olympian, you could still become the coach or the guru, to go as far as you can physically go for yourself. Some dreams are simply far too specific and deny the dreamer the fulfillment of the journey. If your dream is simply a lofty end goal, perhaps it is time to condense it, to extract its most worthwhile parts, then expand it into something attainable again. Give maturity to immature dreams and you’ll never cater to regret.

Simple Revival

I wouldn’t say I’ve been lacking sleep, but the desire to sleep like a cat (up for a few hours followed by six to eight hours of sleep) hit me over the past few days and I have to admit I was a little worried that it was a sign of depression rearing its ugly head.

The worst thing about clinical depression is that it is purely chemical. It’s not caused by negative thoughts, although you can certainly feed the beast and make it worse. I did not. Instead, I took the lack of energy at its purest sign and simply let myself sleep. Still, I wonder what it might have been if I were on a regular working schedule, where I would have to get my ass up, grin and bear it.

Despite being out of work being something I don’t enjoy, I’m taking it as a time to listen to myself more. For some people, that’s a terrifying thing, laid bare by their every errant thought and having to deal with it. It’s not exactly cathartic, even to an introvert like me, but I’m slowly learning to adapt to a life that doesn’t challenge me with many outside sources anymore.

I’ve come to terms with it being a sort of creative depression at the moment, and it’s not a new frontier. There have been times in my life where, for years, I haven’t been able to access my creativity with vigor. It’s one thing that always concerned me since I’ve always intended to make it my livelihood.

Yet here’s the bare bones of it. I have so much to show for the bounteous times. I have written books and crocheted many things and completed dolls and collections... in those times where I was obsessed, I’ve given myself a buffer for those barren deserts that rear their ugly heads.

I miss the obsessions, for sure, but these times for reflection, for hanging on a thread, for uncertainty... they do have a place in it all. For now, I’m finding the small victories keep me going and I try not to worry, neither about the present nor the very uncertain future.

I’ve said these things before but I do need to reinforce them, to build my base of inner strength. I truly enjoy taking these somewhat empty times and filling them with games and spending time with my nephews. I don’t know where this pandemic is going, nor the future of this crumbling country, but I’m not obsessing on it, as easy as it would be to do that. People are demanding answers that aren’t so simple to manifest and I am patiently watching the minuscule progress, simply hoping for healing, for myself, for those I love, for the country, for the world. Hoping that fact may one day prevail over feeling.

Yet in the midst of it all, self care is still the most important. It prepares us to be more receptive to the bigger issues and give voice to reason.

Live Your Best Day

The lack of motivation persists. I spend a lot of days just focusing on basic needs and poking at games. I don’t feel any closer to getting touched by inspiration, but I’m not wallowing in misery over that. Anymore. At first, yeah, I beat myself up over it, but I’ve come to terms with the mental hurdles that are keeping me from a usually ambitious life. I used to love spending money but I’ve reached a point where it doesn’t really bring me pleasure to do so. I’m gratefully surrounded by the things I need and want and I’m not looking to live in more clutter. I’m saving and it’s... a quiet accomplishment, one I’ve never had the luxury to do before.

Mentally, I’ve been fighting an invisible war. I can’t quite beat the restlessness, an anticipation I can’t name. However, I know that pain often becomes part of a later drive that pushes me to excel. It is awful in the thick of it, but I know I will eventually beat it down and use it for something greater.

We don’t thank our enemies, but when we survive them, we learn more about how to handle the worst later. Sometimes we learn how to spot and avoid them, but when we can’t escape, we learn to endure and conquer. 

I really enjoy just sitting in my room and looking at what I’ve accomplished, though I often need to keep up this practice to remember I am deserving and talented. As an adult, I’ve had immense support and praise, but there is still that niggling edge of trauma from childhood that threatens to spoil so much. It’s amazing that creativity can manage to build heroes within us where we only feel vulnerability. We can become stronger where we least expect it, learn to discipline our most villainous doubts.

That’s why, I suppose, we can feel like we’re failing ourselves when we can’t summon up the urge to use our talents. Sometimes, we still have to be human and vulnerable, to fail before we understand the rewards of success.

I’ve begun to isolate myself more from social media, which is often toxic for me these days. I’m not sure now is the time I even want to invest in the every thought of strangers. I do believe this is mor3 of a time for introspection,

At first, I thought it might be depression, but I’m pretty functional. I’m just not a whole lot of extra like I truly enjoy being. But even those things that you enjoy can lose that flavor when the time isn’t right. I’m just not the sort of person who thrives on deadlines or hard set goals. There is a softness and a flow I’m searching for and it can neither be helped nor forced to revive.

For now, I am patient, reflective. Life is so very uncertain but racing the clock doesn’t assure we’ll accomplish everything with quality or grace.

Sometimes we just have to ‘be’.

Crazy Country

In truth, I have a lot to say about a lot of things. There’s an endless list these days though. One thing piled on top of the next. Where would I even start?

The problem is that the facts and the opinions are both exhausted and unchanging. It makes it exhausting to even discuss where you stand anymore. It’s just not that simple, putting all of those frustrations into digestible morsels. And yes, it’s largely an American problem. People want to be anti or pro and the rest of us, whether invested or not, we want to discuss the intricacies.

Yet people don’t want to discuss. They want to state their opinions then slam people for countering them. Use your own posts or platforms to scream into the void, they say. Social media is all at once becoming isolated and anti-discussion. Defeats the purpose, I know, but some people seem to love defying common sense.

Quite frankly, I just do the research, pocket it away and move on to finding some distraction. I wish I could say the distractions are ambitious or motivated or productive, but no, they haven’t been. I’ve simply been taking the edge off of the constant anxiety. I’m dedicated to social distancing and being as respectful (with masks) when it’s not possible, but it’s equally frustrating that there are so many people who aren’t. I don’t want to beat a dead horse with going into that again either, but it just seems like very few people even want to understand or value other people’s lives.

I constantly wish I could find a small window to motivate doing what I enjoy again. Now is the perfect time for it, but I do feel the weight of these issues too strongly and I wish I could be apathetic or escape into creativity or taking better care of myself, but I’ve been almost paralyzed by the unknown.

I’ve never needed perfect control, either of myself or anything or anyone around me. Nevertheless, I’ve never felt so untethered and lost. The presidential candidates for Democrat and Republican are a huge letdown. The government and politics are a huge letdown. American apathy and stubbornness is a huge letdown. Social reform is a whole lot of bullshit.

I might have been ‘live and let live’ at one time, but the definitions for words like freedom have fast become a series of loopholes for the worst human offenses. It doesn’t account for anyone but the assholes who want to live a certain way and think everyone else should too. People who slam the intelligence of others as if they are the intelligent ones are often the most misguided of all.

Stupidity isn’t really the problem, nor is ignorance. Apathy, the inability to treat others with respect and kindness and decency, is the depth of the problem. It’s a willfulness to discount the struggles of every individual. The issue is deeper than race or politics or history or circumstance. It’s the modern inability to build close community, to care about how difficult we make life for other people when we only consider ourselves and our circles. Circles are fast tightening until nothing but blatant narcissism truly remains.

I truly hope this country can learn to embrace virtuous ideals again. We don’t need gods or laws or reform; we need personal accountability. We need a conscience. We need each other, whether we like it or not.