Live Your Best Day

The lack of motivation persists. I spend a lot of days just focusing on basic needs and poking at games. I don’t feel any closer to getting touched by inspiration, but I’m not wallowing in misery over that. Anymore. At first, yeah, I beat myself up over it, but I’ve come to terms with the mental hurdles that are keeping me from a usually ambitious life. I used to love spending money but I’ve reached a point where it doesn’t really bring me pleasure to do so. I’m gratefully surrounded by the things I need and want and I’m not looking to live in more clutter. I’m saving and it’s... a quiet accomplishment, one I’ve never had the luxury to do before.

Mentally, I’ve been fighting an invisible war. I can’t quite beat the restlessness, an anticipation I can’t name. However, I know that pain often becomes part of a later drive that pushes me to excel. It is awful in the thick of it, but I know I will eventually beat it down and use it for something greater.

We don’t thank our enemies, but when we survive them, we learn more about how to handle the worst later. Sometimes we learn how to spot and avoid them, but when we can’t escape, we learn to endure and conquer. 

I really enjoy just sitting in my room and looking at what I’ve accomplished, though I often need to keep up this practice to remember I am deserving and talented. As an adult, I’ve had immense support and praise, but there is still that niggling edge of trauma from childhood that threatens to spoil so much. It’s amazing that creativity can manage to build heroes within us where we only feel vulnerability. We can become stronger where we least expect it, learn to discipline our most villainous doubts.

That’s why, I suppose, we can feel like we’re failing ourselves when we can’t summon up the urge to use our talents. Sometimes, we still have to be human and vulnerable, to fail before we understand the rewards of success.

I’ve begun to isolate myself more from social media, which is often toxic for me these days. I’m not sure now is the time I even want to invest in the every thought of strangers. I do believe this is mor3 of a time for introspection,

At first, I thought it might be depression, but I’m pretty functional. I’m just not a whole lot of extra like I truly enjoy being. But even those things that you enjoy can lose that flavor when the time isn’t right. I’m just not the sort of person who thrives on deadlines or hard set goals. There is a softness and a flow I’m searching for and it can neither be helped nor forced to revive.

For now, I am patient, reflective. Life is so very uncertain but racing the clock doesn’t assure we’ll accomplish everything with quality or grace.

Sometimes we just have to ‘be’.