Drastic Times

 From my scant blogging over the past year, I’ve managed to talk about my struggles with getting healthy. In the past few months, I hit a major setback with what seems to be the very natural but sometimes devastating signs of perimenopause. The more severe and frequent parts being hot flashes, increased bouts of chronic and localized pain and mood swings. Diet and exercise have been difficult to adjust and I ended up putting back on the weight I struggled to lose over two years plus about ten pounds. Despite circuit training and tracking diet (both calories and macros). I tried fasting for longer intervals, both two weekly 36 hour fasts and the infrequent three day fasts. Fasting helps the chronic issues a lot but I haven’t gotten any weight loss breakthroughs. And really, most fasting blogs and advice are coming from young healthy men (and rarely women) so their advice is rarely reflective of what I, a middle aged obese woman with questionable health obstacles, can actually expect to experience or safely do. 

However, I worked up to my current situation and know how to read my body. Early on in the fast, I consumed tea and black coffee but that seemed to cause more problems that it fixed so the last two days have been water and slowly sipping high sodium broth because I don’t want to have a fragile infant’s digestive system after this. Therefore, supplementing a proper level of electrolytes has been key. I take potassium and magnesium in capsule form in the morning with a lot of water then save a probiotic and high sodium broth for the night. Sometimes I do need to take Pepto Bismol, omeprazole or famotidine at night to ease my stomach for sleep but I have not experienced insomnia (and have slept pretty great throughout). It’s really important that if your prolonged fasts are not supervised to take into consideration how your medications will affect you and to never think fasting will be more beneficial by eliminating medication or electrolytes. These do not make fasting results more effective and can cause chronic health issues or worsen current ones if you buy into ‘clean’ fasting bullshit. The same extreme diet and exercise you could get away with as a healthy 20 year old could kill you later. A safe and intuitive fast beats a ‘clean’ fast any day. Also, be advised that you may benefit more from a fasting-mimicking diet, which is often the ‘extremities’ that diabetics are put on. Personally, I do better cutting out solid foods and calorie worries altogether and just use electrolytes as my safety net.

I might have forgotten to mention I am reaching the last 10% of a five day fast. You may have heard you’ll get mental clarity and focus and energy, which I haven’t gotten outside of the second and third days and never for long. I also have inattentive ADHD so hyperfocus and no focus at all are the only two settings I normally have and wouldn’t know what ‘increased focus’ actually means for someone like me. Since the pandemic and moving, I haven’t been medicated for it but outside of working, I don’t need it and I’d rather reserve going back on stimulants for when I’m able to work again. So I can’t attest to whether focus or clarity is actually a positive of fasting because I didn’t really experience anything like that. Just like taking Adderal tends to give the average person meth-like powers of cleaning and laser focus, it really just slows me down so I can socialize and react a bit more controllably.

The worst part can be the hunger pangs (which also never quite went away for me but only ever dulled) and the almost hallucinogenic obsession with food. I can smell it and nearly taste it with enhanced memory and I get insane inspiration for recipes that just dance in my head with powerful clarity. And despite the fact that food obsession is almost torturous while fasting, I record or plan how I will eat afterwards, which actually reduces the risk of overfeeding or outright bingeing. But since I’m a soul cooker, I don’t actually have set recipes; I season to taste and experience so I can definitely list off what I use but can’t guarantee you will balance it the way I do. 

The other negative for me is that anything I ingest outside of the supplements and water can turn into a nasty shart later. Not in my clothes because the Bucket List movie’s ‘never trust a fart’ is so true but having to run to the bathroom for a weak coffee colored wet fart is annoying so that’s why I end up ditching the coffee and tea beyond the second day. However, the supplements are useless without sodium and plain salt water is awful so the high sodium broth is a necessity. I just have to be mindful to either dilute it a lot or sip it very slowly between lots of water or I’ll be hitting the toilet.

This is where I have to assert; these small spurts aren’t dangerous, but take them as yellow flags to discontinue. Because of the dark coloring, it was an obvious symbol of tea and coffee being the culprit. However if you expel a full bout of loose stool or outright water, start eating a small amount of food and break the fast gently and immediately. Even taking electrolytes, frequent urination or an expulsion of diarrhea are immediate signs you’re losing way too many electrolytes and need proper nutrients now. Don’t wait this out or try to bear through it or you can end up heading to the emergency room.

That shouldn’t scare you but it needs to be a proper warning. Don’t feel guilty if you need to end a fast you haven’t tried before or aren’t prepared for yet. I’ve had setbacks but I give myself proper healing time then try again.

I should note that because I’ve had so many weight loss setbacks that this 5 day fast has no weight loss goals attached in the least. I’m not even going to weigh for that reason. This is because I’ve experienced autophagy (pronounced aw-TAW-fuh-jee) benefits for pain and inflammation on previous three day fasts and I’ve since read about extending autophagy and am really hoping it can balance my hormones and reduce pain to make my diet and exercise routines (which are more than sufficient otherwise) more effective.

Which brings me to the benefits that make me fight the worst and keep going. Hot flashes, gone. You actually get cold easier while fasting (that much is actually true) so I’ve done something I haven’t been able to do all summer: turn the AC off for hours at a time. I would love to be able to enjoy this along with energy in the future but this is huge for now. Secondly, HUGE reduction in chronic and localized pain. I have both fibromyalgia and touch and go issues with hips, ankle and toes and all of those have been significantly dulled over the course of fasting. Although lethargy and brain fog have not been so magically affected, I’ll take those two things alone and embrace them as evidence enough.

I do advise you research autophagy. There have been proven studies for its effectiveness in slowing and even reversing some aspects of aging, preventing and even treating cancer (again, if you have cancer, this is something you’ll want to okay with your doctor still), cell regeneration and renewal as well as disposal of old and ineffective cells, and even healing old aches and wounds that therapy and medication haven’t quite helped. Even the revised version of how it works can be quite lengthy, so I’ll pique your curiosity to begin with that. It starts with what to expect in fasting stages (anabolic, catabolic, fat burning, ketosis and deep ketosis) and those will often coincide with how to activate autophagy and what the results can be with extended fasting. What I have read on autophagy during five day fasting has intrigued me. I initially intended to do at least four days but since I am still feeling okay decided to go for five. 3 days can go a really long way with digestion and immunity but you’ll start to involve increased stem cell production and musculoskeletal repair if you keep it going. It’s really interesting how your body starts to assign different jobs when digestion isn’t demanding so much energy and your body becomes more efficient at using what is left. And at the same time, your hunger hormones will still keep screaming at you about attaining food so you don’t just give up and starve. This is largely why I don’t seek to ignore or suppress the desire for food. That is not something you ever want to lose. Instead, rein in on how you can use food thoughts efficiently later. If it’s really becoming too much on your willpower, you may want to do something a little physically exhausting (but not to the point of dizziness or fainting) to sleep off some of the fasting period. 

I absolutely intend on sleeping off the last eight hours. Ten o’clock tonight is bedtime and by 6 AM I’ll have conquered this five day journey. I truly hope I’ve achieved the level of autophagy I need to knock through some health issues but if nothing else, I never lose hope and I never stop trying.

I would love to reach more people on the reality of obesity and personal struggle, to stop people from assuming obesity means a lack of effort or laziness or pretending it’s concern to shame or belittle people or even shower them with good intentions and unsolicited advice without knowing anything about the many medical hurdles and conditions that can make all of the CICO/hot yoga/etc banter just die. It’s lazy ‘advice’ and there’s nothing kind or eye-opening about it. I was healthy, athletic, full of energy and a normal weight up until I very suddenly wasn’t. Circuit training and strict dieting worked to get me close to a normal BMI until it didn’t. I wish I could say what will work next but I don’t know. I’ve never imagined there would be a place where P90X3 and a managed diet wouldn’t work. And more terrifying, that I’d watch the weight pile on plus a little more WHILE I was so carefully dieting and exercising. But when something doesn’t make sense, there are complex levels that only working with a doctor MAY help me breakthrough.

I couldn’t get a doctor appointment for blood tests until late August. I didn’t want a long fast to mask any levels or concerns that might help me get accurate treatment which is why I’m doing it now. By the time I go, I will have literally tried every healthy path I could. I’m actually hoping there is some pesky food intolerance I can eliminate or some hormonal therapy that can correct whatever is happening because… let me tell you, it’s taking every ounce of optimism and determination and self-love to face this. I can never have a model slim body but I sure as hell want to build a strong healthy one. The sort that will have me firing off my creative energy without physical limitations again! I can’t tell you how much I’m obsessed with being that person again.

And I blog this nitty gritty BECAUSE I didn’t see much representing the experience of people in a similar demographic. Ffs, we don’t just get here and give up and we need to hear there’s hope! Keep finding your health and peace, ladies! To the rest of you, I’m rooting for you too but biologically, my experiences probably aren’t going to do you much good and that’s okay too. I’m hoping the foray into autophagy might be enlightening though!

Sometimes You Need a Little Motivation

Simply put, I'm monitoring many aspects of my health. I've gotten back some wonderful blood test results that were... Maybe a little TOO comforting. However, my LDL (bad) cholesterol came back as borderline high. It's not the worst news since the offset of HDL (good cholesterol) is well within a healthy range. This means that it's not a huge red flag, but my love of eggs and dairy needs to be cut down.

I consider it a great thing. I've been wanting to find motivation to improve my mental and physical health, I haven't quite had the strong push I needed to be more aggressive with the physical. Since I started Cymbalta on a low dose, I've stumbled on some side effects that concern me: vivid dreams that startle me awake but are instantly forgotten, for one. I also feel a kind of detachment to my surroundings and it takes longer for me to motivate myself to move. Sometimes I catch my breathing being too shallow, a little dizziness and being tired. While it definitely helped remove lethargy and nerve pain, it seems a little too intrusive on the rest. I decided not to take it today and message my doctor to see what she has to say. I can always switch to Lyrica if this one doesn't work out. I really, really don't want to pretend I'm okay with any medication that trades too heavily on my goals, but this could be just due to my low drug tolerance and something that could taper off.

I veered off a little but the cholesterol test had me dropping workout videos into a playlist and pulling out my old P90X3 schedule. I want to pick that back up on Monday, see if I can get back into circuit training. This hot, volatile summer has made me lazy in more ways than one and I know that one way I can restore my energy and drive is to drop a few pounds again. Which also means that I'll be using every drop of energy trying to restore it. It was losing a bunch of weight the first time that motivated me to be creative again, but I know this time, I'll have to maintain both to feed the other.

Though my memory isn't always great, I do know that each successful trip into healthy, happy days always began with being scared shitless. Spraining my ankle on a tiny curb and a high blood pressure scare set me into exercising. Looking at files and files of unfinished projects scared me into being creatively ambitious. While it's very difficult for me to maintain focus, I'm hoping that medication can improve that in time too. 

But I don't like it. Even 'non-addictive' medicines don't comfort me because it's not the physical reliance that scares me as much as the insistence on half-assed habits that wreck some other aspect of health. I can't just obsess on diet and exercise if it means ignoring my creative progress, and vice versa. Yet it's very difficult for me not to obsess on the one thing making me happiest. I just have to learn to consolidate my health into a layered motivation, being conscious of all the things that will make sure happiness isn't a phase of euphoria in one and neglect of something else.

Being conscious of that isn't an epiphany. There were obstacles that left me scattered and grasping for answers. Yet now that I'm well and truly afraid again, the little rebel in me is gearing up to fight for what must be done.

Don't be afraid to be scared. Be afraid that nothing scares you enough to seek change.

Nervous But a Service

Today, I went to see a psychologist. Of course, I was nervous. I'm never quite sure if it will be helpful or a disaster. My first attempts at therapy and medication as an adult were disasters.

As I've grown into a woman who has learned to better deal with myself--getting two degrees, publishing, working on branding myself--I fell into a common mindtrap. Maybe I'm somehow past what crippled me. Things are looking up. Yet after a couple of frustrating months, I couldn't pinpoint why I was struggling to be healthy. My focus grew erratic and my weight started to creep up. I knew the signs even if I wasn't willing to admit it. I had to face the truth and seek help.

It will take some time to find the right medications, but I wasn't forced into therapy. This doctor not only recognized how therapy often caused me to backpedal into old traumas, but she made it clear that there would be blood work and monitoring, an important aspect that was ignored in the past. I feel more confident that I won't be physically destroyed and my concerns will be listened to. There was no underlying current that she would enforce 'what's best for me'.

Like a great deal of women, it was a largely internal struggle. I knew I could be a rapid talker and fidgety and impulsive, socially awkward and end up 'quiet' when I sat on impulses. But a late diagnosis of ADHD is better than burying what I'd always suspected. I can manage the worst of it when I am extremely selective of situations I put myself in. Being able to choose when to work has become an important part of functioning.

Yet I wanted more than that. I don't care about being socially acceptable to the masses, but I want more agency with my desires. If I want to draw, I want to be able to do so for hours, rather than frustrated bursts. If I want to write, the words need to slow down to the speed of my typing. If I want to sleep, and am even exhausted, I want my brain to stop fighting it like I'll never wake up.

It was an important step when I started treating my physical issues but very important to grasp that fibromyalgia is also worse when physical and mental issues are not addressed jointly. I'm a very patient person when it comes to my health, as I'd adapted myself to come to terms with.

It's equally important to add that the eccentricities that come with being smart are not always normal. When the smartness can't be communicated, it is neither helpful to the self nor the people it could benefit. It becomes frustrating, to find yourself bound, glued to the spot, while all those ideas fly into walls and out of windows.

I can't say for certain I was born this way. There is a lot of trauma that could have caused mental illness to manifest as an adaptation. I was often caught in nightmare worlds where no one believed me, blamed me, or turned people against me when their lies were believed. My mom told me I was always impulsive but not mean-spirited or intentionally troublesome. I did balk against the perception of morality, deciding right and wrong for myself outside of strict social constructs.

What I want to focus on is being who I want to be. To stop feeling frustrated when I'm actually enjoying myself. To remember more, even down to what I just ate, without having to write everything down. To not let false chemical signals in my brain affect my nerves and mental processes.

I've never really felt like I was sick. Just entirely too tolerant in being adaptive. Feeling sick always came from swallowing everything that made me different, trying to please people who couldn't care less about me anyway. I've embraced my inner nerd and eccentric.

But I can't hug away the misfires in my body. Sometimes, I need to remind myself that it doesn't just go away because my life is better. My body fights battles I can't mediate away with logic and good intentions.

I'm optimistic about taking small steps towards wellness. I really feel like this doctor, and my medical doctor, really see me and listen to me. It's a step in the right direction.

Clean Bill of Health (Mostly)

Even though I blogged about it more thoroughly on my health themed blog, I feel like it's a message that all people, especially my sometimes reclusive and reluctant creative friends, need to hear: find a way to invest in annual wellness checks.

I don't spit out advice without offering a personal touch so let's start there. I recently had blood tests done to see if there was any hidden metabolic issues or something lacking. As it turned out, I came back with a vitamin D insufficiency but otherwise a pretty impressive range of normals otherwise. While I'm relieved that nothing major has been factoring in to pain and fatigue it did feel silly to have overlooked vitamin insufficiency on my journey to finding diet and exercise that works for me.

So here's the nitty-gritty. Over 40% of Americans are Vitamin D deficient. You've probably heard of it called the sunshine vitamin because that's the most readily available way to get a dose of it--UVB rays soaking into your skin. To properly absorb it, you must expose a lot of skin, not just your face and arms. This also means that people with sun sensitivity are not likely getting any adequate absorption. Sunscreen can negate the absorption as well. However, sunlight isn't all that healthy in many areas of the world so you run the risk of skin cancer.

As for diet, it's not that plentiful in most American diets, especially since you're not always consuming properly labeled fish. Cod liver oil, salmon and tuna are your best sources, but egg yolk does have about %7 of your daily value. Not so fast with the eggs or fish though; fish is one of the least inspected food sources and eating more than one or two eggs a day runs the risk of skyrocketing your cholesterol levels. And the yolk is the part you get the vitamin D from.

So how much should you ingest? My doctor recommended 500-1000 IU a day. However, I take a multivitamin that contains 1000 IU and it still led to insufficiency. Multiple verified medical sources actually suggest between 1000-4000 IU to boost an insufficiency, so I take an additional 2000 IU through supplementing, knowing I could be getting additional IU from walking outside and my occasional fishy meals. It's not uncommon for a doctor to prescribe a booster for more dangerous insufficiencies, up to 15,000 IU, over the course of a couple months. While Vitamin D overdoses are super rare and take a long time to show symptoms, deficiencies will eventually lead to kidney and liver damage so there's plenty of room to supplement without worrying about overdoing it when underdoing it is more dangerous.

Wanna hear something more shocking? It's not my pasty white friends that are most affected. 70-80% of Hispanic or Black Americans are deficient. Just like you've probably heard the lie that darker people don't burn or get skin cancer, it's similarly false that they absorb sunlight better than their fairer skinned neighbors. If you haven't had blood work that tests for this, get to a doctor and find out!

Another common deficiency that I've started supplementing with my multivitamin is magnesium. Since it boosts sleep quality, energy and the absorption of vitamin D, it's another one that couldn't hurt to add. You do have to be careful about dosing of many vitamins (depending on whether they are water or fat soluble) so don't just pile on a ton carelessly. Vitamin C and B12 are among those that tend to have a ridiculously high threshold that's hard to overdo, but do the research AND consult with a doctor to decide what might be best for you.

Oh, and back to D--sufficiency plays a huge role in not just kidney and liver function, but also energy and pain levels as well as immunity from illness. I've given you quite a bit to conduct your own research on but, again, talk to a doctor. There are times when even my extensive research countered the actual facts. Some information is widely spread and believed, to the chagrin of medical professionals.

Apart from this, I'm happy to say I'm all caught up with vaccines as well. One thing that does irk me is the anti-vaxxer movement. I do believe that if you exercise the right to refuse, then you are a public health risk and should similarly isolate yourself. Because there are so many with auto-immune disorders who can't be vaccinated, certain allergies, or are just too young to be vaccinated, it is a civil responsibility not to spread preventable disease if you are physically able. If your religion or batshit crazy research insists you sit out, then kindly sit all the way out of society.  No, I'm not going to cite the thousands and thousands of articles you can sift through to understand. Yes, if a booster is more risky, doctors are happy to dose your vaccination singly over many visits. No matter how enlightened you think you are, the anti-vaxxer bullshit started with Jenny McCarthy unearthing a bullshit and revoked study done by an aging man desperate for a famed discovery. I've seen plenty whack jobs posting their copy-pasta citation circus and they often lead to conspiracy or facelifted sites that look almost exactly like legitimate ones, but are one letter off or unsecured.

My stance aside, find a way to get tested for basic health. In my adult life, prior to the ACA, I was only ever eligible for any kind of insurance for less than a year. The ACA and hopefully an eventual path to universal health care for ALL Americans made it possible for someone like me to get adequate care. Deteriorating health, especially at a young age, could be devastating to anyone who doesn't have privileges lined up. It's frustrating to work hard in non-standard flex jobs that never make affording insurance possible. There are many people who face levels of poverty I can't even imagine. I may have no assets or investments, but my family has made it possible for me to work for what I need to follow my dream. Maybe someday I'll be able to afford my own bills.

In the meantime, I'm grateful that some politicians see how essential healthcare is. I'm truly sympathetic that some people fortunate enough to have steady jobs have yet to be provided with free healthcare. As much as I envy the middle class, I'm not smug that lower-middle and poverty class citizens are provided for. Do understand that it's not stellar. One dental check-up a year and only extractions and fillings are covered. Only certain drugs are covered and essential services as well. It's still a coverage that ensures they aren't suffering but it's below adequate for prevention and wholly inadequate for more serious illnesses.

Why is it worth it? Well, it wholly eliminates any excuse not to work, barring discovery of a crippling disability. It makes taxpayer money actually work for the people, not just the salaries of those claiming to be doing so. Even if you don't think health is a right, at least concede that making it a privilege only creates laziness and excuses under the guise that it can't be afforded. Eliminating insurers power to prioritize people's health or pharmaceutical companies to gouge on lifesaving medicine... Do I really need to go on?

Health is everything. It's your moods, mental clarity and ability to function. Don't fuck around with that.

Get You Some D

Calm down; I'm talking vitamins here!

I mean, now that I know, it seems silly and frustrating that no one thought to test me for a Vitamin D insufficiency years ago when I first started showing symptoms of fatigue, muscle pain and nausea. It's more worrisome that pages and pages of diet and self-care sites never really thought to address it either.

Seems obvious now. I'm photosensitive, meaning more than 10 minutes of direct sunlight gives me uncomfortable blistery rashes and pink skin. You can get vitamin D from two sources naturally: sunlight and fatty fish. While I love seafood, it's an expensive diet where I live. I ate quite a bit of salmon and tuna, likely why I'm insufficient rather than deficient, but I've also taken a women's multivitamin for years.

For western diets, that's often still not enough. So I did the next best thing and supplemented D3, an addition that is only a week in.

Here are the details: we should be getting between 1000-4000 IU of vitamin D daily. My multivitamin has 1000 and each tablet of my supplement provides another 1000. Right now, I am taking two, about 3000 IU daily, allowing me to get some from diet and sun as well. It takes about 2-4 weeks of supplementing for energy levels to be impacted.

Because energy is one of my primary issues, I did more research. While a B-Complex is on the top of the list, a multivitamin usually sufficiently covers that. Instead, I decided to supplement another common deficiency that could be contributing to sleep and anxiety issues: magnesium.

It may take a while for this to help me raise my energy levels, to improve my health and moods enough to make an impact on diet, exercise and creative pursuits, but it does wake me up to how insufficient weight loss pages are in addressing just what your multivitamin is doing and factors that may need more attention than a catch-all vitamin can remedy.

And precisely why blood work and consulting with a doctor are a good start. My insurance was garbage for a long time, so it wasn't something I was simply stubborn or blasé about. Also why I can't emphasize enough why universal healthcare is such a huge factor in a productive country. Rather than griping about how people who 'don't work for it' can receive basic healthcare, gripe about why anyone has to pay for it, why the exorbitant taxes we pay are being dumped into shit our country doesn't need rather than the betterment of all. I don't like to fixate on political crap, but our politicians get paid a rather handsome sum to provide such mediocre use of what we trust them with.

Health is all. Bar none. Don't scratch your head, wondering why nothing seems to take. Test your metabolism, possible allergies, vitamin levels. It's almost embarrassing how simple the problem may be. While I can't say for certain this will vastly change the wear and tear over the years, I at least have hope that it may be what has held me back time and again. It may be that I can work more, both doing what I love and making money to afford to do so. 

Ultimately, I want those to be one and the same. That it isn't doesn't defeat me. Things take time and I don't twiddle my thumbs in wait. Do what can be done in wait of what can't yet be done.

January Closes...

As the month nears the close, I am excited to say my draft is nearing completion with less than 10K words to comb through to finish. I anticipate the next phases with its crackle of electricity better than the tingles of first love.

You could be a condescending prick that tells me I don't know what love is until I've blah-blah-blah, but generally my readers are pretty fucking amazing. PFA people, continue as planned. I can bet even serial killers enjoy bursts of overwhelming passion (and weird fear-boners) so overflowing emotion isn't the privilege of the pure and normal-ish.

My strength is slowly returning but I've a lot of sleep to catch up on. It's a freakish waking nightmare to sleep a good night's sleep, just to wake with your body so weak like you just laid down for sleep. What did we just do, body? I look around my room suspiciously, wondering if this is why nothing in my room is where I thought I put it. I'm betting I'm a sleep reorganizer but I'm not brave enough to see what a mess I am when I'm sleeping.

Rest assured, my friend Joe always reminds me he's got cameras hidden in my room somewhere. If he was great with computers, I'd double check my webcam. Insofar, he hasn't reported any weird nocturnal activities. 

I naturally clean the house at 3AM.

I love rereading my stories, thrilling at the new ideas that pop up as I get to know them better with the same words I've already written before. Another reason I like to stress the multiple edits--every time you revisit, you stage it a little differently and fill in more of the world blooming around it.

So! Back to finishing up this phase and back to building up my health. Now that I can chew on both sides of my mouth (I say with an overly proud tilt of my chin), I can finally gnaw on some crispy raw veggies, tree nuts, popcorn. As much as I love yogurt, I was in real danger of getting sick of it. Sugar free jello is out. But then again, I'm one of those weirdoes that loves lime jello best. You know, the kind you have to make yourself because it doesn't sell enough to be prepackaged.

Haters.

Merry Christmas!

Didn't know if I'd find time away from the unboxing of gifts and general excitement, but here I am, ready to write.

It's not the same as hitting up my stories, but I'll take it!

I got plenty of cozy PJs from my family, or what I like to call my writer's work uniforms. All the more a treat since I do put on other work clothes to earn money my newbie writing career isn't cutting... Yet. I did get a spiffy new pair of Skechers from my sis for all the walking I do.

Being an UpShifter is a blessing too. You'd think showing up new to a job would be stressful, but it's actually quite the opposite. Insofar, these places are so used to us and the learning curve and grateful for the help as well. It's always in the back of my mind that even if it's not a job I want to do again, I easily don't have to sign up for it again. Sure, I'd rather write all day, every day, but because it's always a choice, I don't have to pine for the next day off on a schedule that was chosen for me-- if I want a week of starving artistry, I can take it. Or I can work all week because money is great too.

I was upset to hear that some UpShifters don't take it seriously. Some walk off the minute they get an assignment or do a poor job. I hope that this is a rare occurrence since I'd hate for programs like this to fade because clients can't trust us. Luckily, UpShift doesn't give us a bunch of chances for that kind of nonsense. Don't take the privilege seriously and they boot you for good. All three parties-- the client, UpShift and employees-- are protected well from shady practices. This means if the client tries to screw us over, it is investigated as well. No one is immediately guilty but offenders are not given a slap on the wrist.

Still, back to the good because it's too good a day to ruin! I know this doesn't sound so joyous but I have a dentist appointment coming up to get these janky teeth fixed. First day of the new year and I'm looking forward to getting rid of this persistent tooth pain. I'd like to focus on health and happiness again this year. See if I can revive my metabolism, put better fuel in my body, so I can be my best as an artist and worker. 2019 has a lot of lofty plans I hope to tick off so let's get it on!

Spinning Wheels

I started playing Dragon Age Inquisition again. It's not a perfect game but it's one of those games that I can really talk story with another fan and no two people have the same focus or interpretation. Because I'd been several books deep into a series with obvious and vague parallels, I felt a sort of connection to this game (as well as the resolution to make it wholly different despite that).

Which means I'm not writing much, but that's okay. I had some issues with sitting up, fighting odd waves of vertigo, so I took it as a sign to pay attention to my health. I switched to housework and long walks to stay mobile but opted for video games so I could sprawl out on my memory foam mattress posture-free. My muscles feel energized, just needing to get the digestive system and head back in line.

In fact, I try not to think about my work at all. Why? Because different ghosts have been visiting me. I've been having strange dreams, sometimes lucid. They're crap as far as stories goes, but there's a personal element, namely WHO I see, that intrigues me most. It's not always the WHAT but the WHO and WHY that seems to matter. Maybe 15 minutes after waking, the mysticism starts to stale and I write it off as brain play (because brains do that too). All the same dreams seem to be giving me some reprieve from the physical discomfort and hiatus from playing creator.

I don't actually believe in karma or higher powers or cosmic balance, but I love that the feel-good hormones seem to find ways to kick in. It may not be in the way I think I need, but if I can be grateful for the way my body does work for me, I can find reserves for forgiving what alters my plans. There are plenty of things I don't understand and those things don't necessarily need sentience or reason for existing. It's because of this flexibility of evidence that I'm more rigid against the sort of arrogance that assumes moral authority based on feelings alone. You can get a sense over time of what stances are based first in feeling then try to build a shaky logic around it. The argument always circles back to appealing to feelings when the logic has holes for exceptions.

I'm going to pick on veganism again for this example, but I truly have no issue with the practice where it works for people (only the arrogance of a supposed morality). It is often successfully passed on by appealing to emotion. It's introduction, even when presented as a health concern still circles back to compassion for animals. When they can't wrap their head around a person loving fish but still eating it, then in an outburst of feelings, it often escalates to a personal attack. Would I eat my family? Well, no. Just like incest, there's consequences for cannibalism which is also why we largely disapprove of it. I don't love a fish as a fish myself so it's not cannibalism and moot point. I don't even love all human beings equally. I was devastated when my mother died but I was only distantly unhappy when a favorite actor passed away. To assume that all living things are equal or that I can be a truly compassionate person by spreading it so ridiculously thin is absurd. There are hierarchies basedmon experience and to be the most compassionate human to other humans and the planet alike, the battles I pick are not going to be yours. In fact, often we support and negate each other for the benefit or detriment and some things balance-- some things need work. Ruining the world with massive agriculture isn't feasible. Dreaming of genocide bringing the planet down to a happy utopia of vegans might work... But you've left all moral high ground where that is a worthy goal.

We don't need to appeal to the direct issues to inspire the intended feelings though. Successful vendors make you feel good about your purchase, like it was your idea all along. Someone sold them veganism, my burden is to sell my stories.

It's why I don't take the profound feeling of my weird ass dreams and assume that anyone could duplicate the feeling through that nonsense. It's not always about the content. The containers are not where you find the whole story. These places are where I find the thing I want to duplicate. How do I make someone feel bliss through the mediums I use? How can I hope to make someone want to pull their cheek muscles into a goofy smile? How people are drawn into books or pictures is, like in my dreams, how much we let ourselves go (or even how we are held hostage).

You could call it research. Or spinning your wheels. There's a freedom that exists where I am right now in this journey. I am free to step away and consider how to be a creature of experience. Yes, a writer is a manipulator, a list, but remove the negative context. You can like the content and be there to affirm it. You can dislike the content but if it's still intriguing enough, you'll want to see where it's going. When I write for me, I want to consider if what is for me makes sense to someone else. In real life, I often just don't get what is acceptable. I also get that it's my problem. Not that there is something wrong with me, just that I'm seeing it differently. So what needs to be in place for us to reach understanding.

People try to say it whenever bigotry is present, but struggle with the vocabulary. We aren't looking for your definitive morality or view, we're looking for you to handle the burden of proof and sell it. So many people on a moral high ground use yellow words to color a feeling with 'facts' that just don't apply to everyone. Is that not reflected creatively as well? Are we not looking for a way to charm our audience with words? In the end, it's not the ideas alone that sell it, but how you can reach the people who want to hear it.

In fantasy, even when the hero saves the world in some fantastical way, they are sometimes ordinary in their world at first. Sometimes they were never ordinary at all but still wanted to be. They are usually not born with a loyal army and the werewithal to conquer great evil. Winning free people is no overnight occurrence.

Of course, fantasy writers, you are welcome to completely prove any of that wrong in fantasy. However, ultimately, you understand it takes a fantasy world to make fantastical ideas work. We can't just wave a wand and make these ideals work here. Even if you could, you're aware that for someone to gain power that fast, the weight of oppression is also an immediate blowback.

In fact, for those conditions to be met, anyone not on the side of the 'hero' might resent and oppose such a regime and even call them the villain. There will never be a happy hive mind because free thought.

I'll wander off now that my wheels have spun, but please preorder the upcoming anthology! It was a fun chance for me to write just a one-off story with no intention to spin it off or expand it. It is what it is and I had a blast delving into a fantasy theme I usually don't write. I won't get the chance to read the other authors' work but I look forward to getting an advance copy before I buy my own print copy.

The Magical Book of Wands, available October 31, is up for preorder on Amazon. One year only! Prints will be available on release day as well.

Finding balance

I've let a few things slip over the unpredictable winter months, I must admit. Not just my overall productivity but my health strayed too. I spent Spring Break doing some planning and reevaluating.  I can't just step right back into the level of discipline I enjoyed starting out last year, for one. I'd crash on day one and that's no good...

So what's important? Well, in my case, I tend to either take good care of my health or work really hard on my creative goals. I've never made a real attempt to blend them together. They are very different beasts. Optimal health is a lifestyle just as much as creativity. Supposing 8 hours of sleep is a goal, there's usually at least an hour of self maintenance outside of that-- showering, shaving, brushing teeth, all of that fits in the bits and pieces. For some people, more than an hour but I'm a minimalist and I don't wear makeup. Creative pursuits are my work and I treat it as such-- 8 hours, 5 days a week at minimum. I don't set it on a 9-5 schedule but I'm considering that. Routine may be necessary in understanding what works. The first week, I'm going to try that. I've set alarms for breaks and meals to try to aid in time management. 

During the week, I walk the kids to and from school. This is an hour of brisk walking every day without fail but I'm going to start making it a slightly longer walk. I'm also going back to P90X3 but I'm modifying it for low impact until my joints give me the green light. And yes, fibromyalgia people, you can work up to this. I started on Slim in 6 to gain enough muscle to handle it. I still have the muscle but I did put on weight over the winter and am wary of stressing lazy joints.

I did a fitness blog where I charted my experiences so I'll jump past more details here. The blog was called Becoming a Different Shape. I still use it as a reference when my pain flares and I have to remember what worked.

In any case, diet takes some preparation too. Again, I'll spare the details but my plan includes an hour or two or preparation on Sundays and heating or preparing during the week can take an hour or two each day. As you can see, it leaves time to rest or work overtime or throw in another walk or two. The wild card tends to be sleep and energy levels which I have the most trouble with. Drinking water and taking a daily vitamin are an important factor not to forget and often the most overlooked.

This is a writing blog though so let's wander back over to that. Creatively, I've never had a definitive workflow or any clue how much I'll get done. Generally, I aim to just make good use of my time. Once I've clocked 8 hours, that's where I decide if I'm interested in going longer or taking a breather.

I know word counts or forcing yourself to write daily might be part of the mix but as a writer/artist hybrid, I often find I like to spend a full week on one or the other rather than bouncing these days. I've written posts that bouncing around works best but my discipline and needs change with the project. UnSung is a Titan of storytelling prowess and the cover art is also something that needs visual focus so I've taken to centering on one or the other so I'm very clear on where I'm picking it up or putting it down. My next books or next covers may need something very different.

Balance isn't always about finding the perfect routine. I need cheat days, I need rest days, I need a staycation even if I'm too broke or stubborn to relax for a proper vacation. I know I need to market to make more than $20-40 a month on this, but right now, I want the library before I create the demand. I especially want my first series done before that. It's complex and controversial and I'm almost positive people will misinterpret it but I'm also prepared to defend it. Balance is very much about understanding how to optimize goals. I suffer when I let one priority override too often. So that's the priority.

I don't want to solely focus on recovering the slacking discipline I had with diet and exercise. Then my work and creative needs suffer. So the name of the game is finding the harmony I need, to not let either become too much of an obsession. And I do have a history of letting things fall off so I cling too hard to things when I know I should be doing something else. You'd think finishing college and finding discipline would make those fears unwarranted but they always lurk. I'm going to have to trust my discipline more. I know I can do anything and I've proven that over the past ten years.

For the rest of you, find pride in your own struggle and accomplishments. Don't let a dark past or a bleak future overshadow the present. Right now belongs to you. Keep writing!