Misplaced Free Time

I have to admit, one of the hardest things I've had to deal with is gobs of unscheduled time. Yeah, I get that this sounds like a wonderful first world problem, but without the structure I'd embraced in my somewhat normal day-to-day life, I've found that I'm dealing with anxiety and boredom in ways that I never have before.

I've said in the past that boredom is the luxury of people with nothing better to do, but it couldn't be more wrong for every situation. For the past two weeks, I've tried to ease into projects like writing or drawing or crafts and I am overcome with this massive sense of boredom and distraction, no matter how interested I think I am when I start doing it. I've even read that this is a normal trauma response to an unnatural upheaval in life.

It's akin to PTSD. The feeling of being trapped by this expansive sense of freedom. There's too much to do and the lingering feeling that none of it is what I'm actually supposed to do. Having no actual idea what the 'supposed to do' is.

So I try everything but the feeling just left me so exhausted that I turned to sleeping a lot. Restless and unfulfilling sleep but sleep that whiled away wasted hours instead.

I might've said that you can't waste time before as well, but with this new 'normal', I can't help but feel that it all feels wasted. It may not be. This may be a valuable lesson in cherishing and adapting to new circumstances.

Slowly, I'm becoming more accustomed. Being able to blog again is one sign. Sitting in front of a computer tends to leave me feeling drained so I was avoiding it. Today, I typed about 1K words towards my book, which is a massive improvement over zero. I sense that there still may be naps, and anxiety, and even boredom to come, but I'm also feeling as if I can adapt as long as I really listen to my body right now.

Not all the crazy cravings to eat out of boredom. Not the restless need to force myself to do something. But to continue sleeping when the strong desire strikes and to lead myself towards my other desires gently. Because nothing will improve by forcing my hand right now. It simply saps my energy very quickly to ignore what my body actually needs right now.

Taking walks. Working on everything in short bursts. Sleep. It doesn't sound like ambitious motivations, but somewhere in the gentle treatment of my own trauma, there lies the strength to appreciate the month ahead, rather than dread it.

I hope you're all taking care of yourselves and dealing with these changes the best way you know how!