Mother's Day

It could have been a harder day. I've endured a few of these without my mother, that turbulent relationship, a woman who was the high-definition two-way mirror and an impassable brick wall nonetheless. The first was still too soon after losing her to feel the brunt of it. I'd lost my grandma two months before her and I stood in shock of being suddenly matronless.

Not that my grandmother or mother passing meant any privilege was passed. I came to terms with it long ago, that I was family only at arm's length. There would be no inheritance and no acceptance there. There would be no change in my life, for better or worse, but for the absence. My mother seemed to have known her time was short and she'd made our visits about confessions of her mistakes and guilt so I made peace with that closure. Yet death doesn't wipe the slate clean. It's not the growing gnawing of a grudge that is left, just the gaping maw of a toothless gear that clicks pathetically against nothing at all.

Yet today, I spent a few hours with my sister and nephews in an arcade/skating rink/play area and I found some joy and peace in the people I do have. It's only when I've been alone that I wince at why a day keeps hooking into me when days never meant so much before. Because, maybe, I might have reached for the phone unconsciously to make a requisite call to someone who is gone.

It still hurts, the decision to not be a mother. Yet, I don't think I could bring a child into this world, knowing they could inherit what makes me dig way too deep into voids I struggle to share. It doesn't matter that I could be a great mother. I did well for my nephews, somehow, but as proud as I am of who they are, it's also the most terrifying responsibility. I get a lot of credit for them, but I didn't do it alone and it gets no easier over time. It takes more than being a good mother or wanting to be to take on motherhood and, at the end of the day, the children I bear must come only from the womb of imagination.

It's a tough day, as I've said, but it could have been harder. I have much to be grateful for, skills I've climbed mountains for, people who pull me out of places that could swallow me, wisdom I've nearly drowned in to drink. I stand on the edge and breathe. I cannot fly but I stand firm and dare the wind to shake me. If I fall, may the dive be spectacular. Although it's in me to grow roots and bend as the wind blusters. That much, I had in common with my mother. To all who give life, improve life, and preserve life, Happy Mother's Day.

Tomorrow is another day and one to start anew.