Look, there is nothing magical about me attempting to make a video of myself. I really had to tear off the bandaid for this one. And from the looks of it, I was probably chewing it. Seriously, if Jabba the Hut had beautiful copper colored hair and was eating a bowl of 100 year old pig's feet, it would look something like this video.
There is something about a camera that makes my brain cells degenerate and words turn into mush. I actually had to do several retakes just trying to say my own damn name right. And I called my book UnTamed when I got my name right. You read that right; all of this just trying to get out the first sentence. "Hey, everyone, my name is Krista Gossett and I've written a fantasy book titled UnNamed."
And what the every loving fuck is my mouth attempting to do? I've been compared to Drew Barrymore for one glaringly embarrassing reason-- my lips fly off the tracks and try to wander off of my face when I'm nervous. I cringe because I absolutely can't stop it. It's my tell and I've never been able to get rid of it. It's not cute. It's not quirky. It's not even fun like melting a Barbie doll's face with a lighter.
I don't mean to down on myself. It could be worse. Much worse. You can hear what I'm saying at least. Always a bonus. However, I'm not terribly sure this kind of campaign works in my favor. I'm high-functioning and most things are outside of my comfort level, but this is something like my personal Kryptonite. There's a reason I blog-- I do not have the camera charisma to be a video blogger. One on one or answering questions, I'm not terrible at speaking, but public speaking with a script is a nightmare. That's not even unique to me-- most people dread that. However, there is nothing further from how I really am than when I'm trying to talk to a camera. I know it's not trying to steal my soul, but you'd think it was.
My friend Joe is terrific at it. He had some great pointers, which all went out the window the minute I hit 'record'. It's just not something I see changing. I've been attempting to do it since I was 19 and there is no evidence for a reason. It is not 'my art' and that's fine. If you know me, you know I'm also unfairly good at a lot of things. No one should be good at everything and I'm fine with that. I'm a writer, I crochet, I'm a comic book artist and illustrator. I play flute and memorize songs. I'm even decent at singing. I've made doll clothes and miniatures to customize dolls. Really, I tend to be great at things I'm just stubbornly in love with. It can be agonizing because nearly everything I can do is subjective. Whether people think I'm bad or great has very little to do with my actual talent, but how it makes them feel. People might find me technically lacking in comparison even if I'm better than average in actuality. They say you are a master after 10,000 hours of practice. I'm of the mind that even a master is never perfect. Complacency is death to art. Even the most popular artists will never be perfect. Without striving for it, can you really enjoy it anymore? I don't know. I can't imagine ever thinking I have nothing more to improve. That's just sounds ridiculously boring to me.
So that's that. The video is done and I'll be sharing my shame for the world to see once the campaign is in progress. I hope I can get people excited for this series.
Honestly, I have no concept of what people like which is why I typically write what I want to see. I read a lot, aim not to borrow too heavily from anything but accept my inspirations. I show and tell because trying too hard not to do either is clunky. I'm not afraid of adverbs, but I do use them sparingly. Technically, I've improved a lot. Novels are still, well, novel to me (it's a pun--burn it before it breeds...). I've finished ten novels at this point, with two being published and largely ignored, but they are also not traditional or marketed to be safe. I am attempting to do something different for UnNamed, but I do plan on publishing my edgier titles myself.
I'm probably going to have to use a ton of pen names because markets are weird and people are really weird about tying in image to name, etc. Don't ask me to really understand that. I went to graphic design school and I've always found market branding to be hilarious. To me, it's a story, sometimes with pictures, but those pictures are an insight to what the artist sees, not what you are required to see. Unless it's a graphic novel, consider it fan art. You can't unsee it? ... Sucks to be you? Part of the reason I try new things is because I'm both socially inept and socially curious. I'm probably going to do unpopular things when I self-publish because somewhere out there is a kindred spirit that will connect with that risk. I'm not trying to muddy the waters, I just think everyone should get to swim. Everyone should have an outlet and be able to find something they connect with. I create in the hopes I can reach people who might feel neglected by the market. And I don't suck. No matter if people are willing to give me a try or not, I'm not delusional about my talents. I just may not always be to everyone's tastes. If you think that's not a good way to think, keep in mind that while I love some of Stephen King's work, I equally loathe some of it too. I like that he takes chances and it resonates with me. I hope I can do the same for someone else.
I'm just adding a few things on my personal journey, so if you're here for the writer's blog, it ends here. I'm going to talk a bit about how my health is at the moment.
I'm continuing to work on my health. I've dropped 50 pounds in 20 months and I'd like to say goodbye to another 40. It's difficult for me since I do deal with chronic pain and it can cause monumental setbacks. I'm mostly sedentary and I love food so there's some misery involved. Alexis de Anda's Mea Culpa comedy special said it best (English translation though):"You want to be at your ideal weight? You're going to be sad, bitch!" I've talked about this in a weight loss blog, but neither I nor the comedian are downing on fitness, but the fact is, if you're a foodie, then you either have to work out a whole fucking lot or you're going to have to exercise some serious food moderation. And it sucks. Whether you're depressed or not, it can feel like depression. You're hungry or you're craving or you're full but dissatisfied. And my number one problem other than food? Sleep. My brain doesn't tolerate a normal schedule and getting more than a small handful of hours of sleep at a time is a pipe dream.
People who can discipline their bodies that much are more likely to see that ideal weight. My wrists are something I'm particularly wary of and my core too. Injuring those muscles may mean I'm stranded from creative work too. If I can't sit up and I can't use my hands, I'm fucked. Walking presents problems too. Even with orthotics, I can't walk more than a few miles a day, 5 at best. Jogging is out of the question. I tend to roll off of my foot if I'm not careful and I feel a warning twinge, I may only have a few seconds or a few minutes to find a place to sit until the twinge passes. Keep in mind, I'm in incredible shape right now, even if I don't look it. Because of that, I've learned a lot about my body and how stubborn it is. I went on an extremely low calorie diet for a month or two (1200 a day-- in case you didn't know, you are NEVER to go lower than that. A doctor might supervise an emergency diet of 800 a day if you're severely overweight, but it is short-term, a week or two at most, and can still cause bad health complications like gallstones even in that case). Even on a low budget, sometimes I lost no weight. And this is over the course of the 20 months since I began. Regardless of my weight, my diet and the vigor of exercise, I was super prone to plateauing when I was strictest. I would have carb loading weeks where most weight loss happened, but those weeks also made it more difficult to discipline myself for healthier eating.
My muscles are where you see the ridiculous improvement. My flexibility is better than it has been since my early twenties. I have great balancing skills. I can lift and bend easily (although I do have carpal tunnel issues so heavy-lifting is still a big no-- I can carry 30-50 pounds well enough, but it's tricky). I can do push-ups. Quite a lot. I have powerful leg muscles (which accounts for part of the reason my legs just do not slim down-- when I flex the muscle, my leg is pretty damn solid). You can tell from my pelvic and shoulder bones than I am broad frames. I will never be petite and my muscles wouldn't allow it even if my bones did. The excess skin and padding, they are the bane. They are thing standing between me and people actually fucking seeing just how far I've come. I want people to see the sculpt I worked so hard on.
Anyways, if you stayed for that part, I commend you. It's not easy to read someone's health rants. To sum it up, I bust my ass for invisible results. It sucks. Creatively, I struggle the same. I labor to change that, knowing it can't happen overnight. I'm a newbie, both with improving health and getting out of my creative shell and sharing it. It takes time and it can be frustrating. Sometimes it is simply trading one sadness for another. I can't tell you that reaching my ideal weight will be worth it. Or that being a successful artist will be exactly what I've always wanted. I don't live with guarantees; I just hope it won't suck. It may not be a priority to maintain that weight. My body like to hang out at 170-180, so 140 might be destructive to my overall happiness. I'd like to get there and fucking find out though.
Wherever you go in life, it's good to have a plan. Don't be so hung up on numbers or time limits. Those will fuck you up. Build your towers with the intention of enjoying actually building them. Be okay with being the only one who gives a shit, maybe being lonely at the top even, or accepting that you might not have planned for so many guests. Plan for everything, but don't hitch your wagon to expectations. I hate being unprepared, but sometimes I can get a little carried away hoping for one scenario more than the others. It happens, but I'm not impractical. I understood from the beginning that there is a lot of fuckery in pursuing this calling. As long as I enjoy it, I'll keep at it. Sometimes I push well beyond where I enjoy something anymore, but at some point, you have to change it up.
I'm still thinking about doing a WebToon in the future. My heart keeps wandering back to doing comics. It's a lot of slooooow work rolling out stories through comics, but I miss the visual medium. Maybe too much. I get shit for describing characters too much and sometimes I feel like my vision has to be made verbose where drawing it is far more expressive. It's not that I struggle with words. Words have always been my friend. However, I feel like I am learning every day which stories may be better told with different media. I'd love to go back to the tell side of writing because I'm SHOWING with pictures. That doesn't mean I feel I am done with writing books. Far from it. You may have read already that I have a lot of WIPs that are still warring for attention. I just have a strong curiosity for a part of me I put aside long ago that may also need some TLC in my future plans. I began as a comic book artist. It's always going to be a strong part of me. I would also love to write for video games somewhere in the future. I've been told my longer works would make incredible back stories for the gaming medium. I'd love to see how that holds up.
Sorry for the long posts though; some people love them, some people loathe them. I'm not procrastinating on my big projects, but I'd hate to neglect my blog. A lot of my personal struggles tend to right themselves when I write them out, so it might be selfish. Which is why I load it up with things I learn through experience. If I'm going to talk about myself, how the hell does it help you? I work on that too. Self-improvement is important for writing, but sharing knowledge is essential too. Novels are a big ole echo chamber while I work. I do gobs of research, but I otherwise lock it up like a sacred temple. I might ask for feedback once I commit the words to paper, but keep this in mind: 5K can take a solid 8 hours to accomplish. I tend to not share until I've neared the halfway point of 40-50K. This is a week or two of being buried in typing only for the story alone. We're talking drafting here, at that, not a solid attempt at editing...
So yes, if I'm long-winded with racing thoughts, I'm breaking out of the discipline of a structured writing binge. Free-writing, whether with planning or winging it on the fly, can leave me needing a bit of unstructured rambling to share. I honestly don't know who is reading or WHEN they are. But for those who do care, thank you for that. I can't see who is viewing but the numbers are higher than I expected and you keep me going. I can be insufferable and in-your-face, but this is my platform. I need it. I don't have a colorful social life, but I am grateful that I find inspiration in the small, wonderful circle I have. No matter what changes in the days ahead, I am ever grateful for the ones that share what I offer.
Even if sometimes they do wish I would shut the fuck up. *winky faaaaace*
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