Asexuality and the American Slut

I don't normally do pieces like this because it leaves too much room for misinterpretation and twisted words. It's also personal to a degree that I don't want it to be at the forefront of people's impression of me. I also realize these are some of the things that aren't being discussed, rationally if at all, and it does no one any favors if I shy away from it. I've talked about these topics before, but I feel like these are topics that evolve with experience and it's never going to be a 'drop the mic' post, one and done.

While I do steer clear of the toxicity that comes from people sniping at each other on social media, I stumbled on two particular issues I come across worth mentioning. Number one, feeling sorry for asexuals and two, foreign men, particularly from the middle East and Africa, that seem to think it's okay to say whatever they like to white women and they'll jump on a plane to live in a country that treats women like possessions. Since I can only speak from my own experiences, make a mental note that if I slip into generalizations, it's not an all-or-nothing. Nonetheless, I'll attempt to avoid blanket statements.

First off, I loathe spectrums. Even though my orientation fits best as asexual, the spectrums are constantly trying to gather every sexual and mental dysfunction and mask them as orientation. The same is true of the autism spectrum where I've heard self-proclaimed high-function assholes think they can speak for the nonverbal part of the spectrum. While spectrums are a great place to start when you're looking for answers about yourself, they all tend to run stagnant with excuses and bullies who assume they can define everyone else.

I'm not going to go into my history or why I arrived at my orientation. I do have a drive, it just doesn't work with others involved. I am attracted more strongly to men but I've felt lust when attracted to a woman. Lust does not equate with intercourse. Plenty of overconfident heterosexual men and lesbians have fancied they could convert me. It always involved prioritizing their pleasure and pretending like mine mattered. Does anyone else in the LGBT community deal with this? Yes. But heteros and the LGBT communities often share a sentiment towards asexuals: pity and disbelief.

I can't speak for all asexuals, but this isn't the same as celibacy or undesirability. Some of us aren't pining for sex to become appealing, but much like the rest of the LGBT community, we wish we could be left to our choices without being poked at like a social experiment. I used to experience sexual frustration that affected my moods before I learned self-pleasure was a thing; not just a thing, but a revolution in matching lust with climax. And yes, after that, I thought maybe a human connection might be less abhorrent, but no. I wouldn't say repulsed is the right word. When it comes to the action directed at me, I'm indifferent but vocal about not wanting to. I'm not disgusted by sex and I perfectly understand the appeal. I'm not uncomfortable with other people's nudity or sexuality. Once the flirting became a 'sure thing' I would become indifferent. You don't need to feel sorry for me because I'm not the one trolling bars because I need to get off. Don't twist this as slut-shaming either because it's not. I never judge people for that-- what it does mean is that my sexual health doesn't decline because of the stigma that it has to involve a ritual dependent on my success at attracting a mate. Not only is it quick and healing for me, but I can launch right back into what I'd rather be doing. You will never catch me lamenting being single or morose about being 'alone.' Your thrill and enthusiasm for sex isn't something I'm missing out on so I don't need pity. In fact, I enjoy writing about sex and I can also do it both academically and to suit my curiosity. I'm capable of writing about all sexualities without lust as well. Understanding isn't required but acceptance is desired.

There are plenty of reasons why people get so condescending about something they don't understand. For one, some people who find me sexually attractive suddenly get offended that it's not going to go their way so their bruised ego needs to strike out. It's really hard even for intelligent people to wrap their head around it, so I don't think it's stupid to be confused. I don't mind when people ask questions as long as it's sincere but because sexuality is a private issue, I reserve the right to withhold pornographic level details. Much like atheism, it's not a belief system or a blanket subject and I know the internet relishes in complicating it. Some people brush it off as trauma-related. It could be but when I look back on my earliest memories, I'd never really taken to physical intimacy. It's not a mental illness-- people of all orientations deal with mental illness. If people are capable of all manner of sexualities, it stands to reason that there would be also be a disinterest in involvement at all. 

It doesn't encompass my morals or my ability to love but there's also a stigma that it's a disregard for human nature. As a lover of psychology and anthropology, I'm extremely interested in people and am surrounded by amazing friends and family. I'm also deeply emotional. I don't preach like I'm more enlightened or better but I could give a fuck less about any culture where men think it's a woman's purpose to meet his needs. Although I also love studying cultures, those can get lost in history immediately. 

I know some people think it's tolerant or generous to say these things, but what you're really doing is stating your goals concerning your expectation that your patience will be rewarded. Like many virgins, celibates, etc. I've heard it all -- I'll wait until you're ready, maybe you haven't found the right person, you're not going to find someone as patient as me. All of these assume I don't really know what I want or that I can be talked into it. When I was naive enough to try dating, it got ugly. I had to confess that even if I caved in, it would be one-sided and as enjoyable as rape. Having someone coldly state that you were a waste of time when it didn't go their way-- not fun. In my thirties I've been able to be more honest about it. I don't like to assume every man I meet is going to entertain sex but if I notice enthusiasm for 'friendship' I kind of have to slip it in. And yes, it hurts a little when it's clear they don't need a friend, whether they're openly hostile or just unhappy, but it's better than letting the connection grow before reaching the same result. It does hurt when I think you've found someone I can have good conversation with and it becomes clear their conditions involve my body. 

Friendship is what I crave more than anything. For that reason, I tend to befriend happy(-ish) couples or neutral singles. While I often have hobbies in common with men and love talking to them, I don't want sex to determine how interested they are in being around me. Yes, I want a best friend who doesn't think sex is the trade-off but I'm not terrified I'll never find that. Because people are not objects for my whims either, I'm prepared to invest my life without ever finding that. There are many, many amazing people in history that filled their lives and contributed without that.

Asexuality, in my case, is not predatory. --I say this because 'the spectrum' also covers people who have casual sex but are okay with deceiving people and treating them like walking dildos-- disregard for human emotions and deception without care for the consequences is a starting classification for psychopathy. Their sexual preference is defined by their choice of partners whether they humanize them or not.-- Asexuality is not pedophilia or bestiality and there're no victims, but I believe that honesty is important (as long as it's sincerely discussed-- again, we don't owe anything to people who show disrespect). In my case, I can state that I enjoy steering clear of pregnancy, disease, infections and the jealousy and possessiveness that is eerily common these days, that I can aesthetically admire or fantasize without obligation. It's a laundry list of risks to my health that I avoid and I don't risk passing on my own illnesses through genes. We are not living in a world that obligates us to breed to survive. As a whole, the shock over sexuality, breeding choices, and bodily autonomy, the 'pressure to perform' needs to fuck off.

Enough with that. Don't get the wrong idea-- I don't find this to be a big part of who I am, but I do think stigmas don't go away unless we talk about them. Unless I feel someone is coming onto me or makes a wrongful assumption, I'm way happier talking about video games, comic books, writing, drawing, raising kids, fitness, crochet, swimming, volleyball, computers...

That being said, there's another oddity I stumble on. I'm not going to pretend it's a daily struggle because I keep these things clear on my profiles and it's usually a two time occurrence every month. Some I can dodge right away. 'Hi' and 'you're beautiful' have long been red flags but it's also weird when a stranger says 'I'm bored'. I'm not invested in you, I don't care. Why is this bad? Because people who know me or have something worthwhile to say to me just come right out and say it. The one-sided wasteful messages are demanding attention, but offering nothing worthwhile, a demand for reciprocation from a stranger. Strange people are not required to answer your whims just to be 'polite'. Again, this goes back to the expectation of your time. Now, these are guys usually from the middle East and Africa with either a brand-new profile or one with no picture (another thing I've stopped accepting or replying to). Some are even more patient and actually do pretend to be interested in one of my hobbies, but almost always they dodge questions about themselves and are invasive in asking me a ton of questions. I never get the outright pervs (crossing my fingers) but at some point, no matter how guarded I am, they bring up meeting in their country. As I've said above, big fucking no. American women do enjoy autonomy and having a voice which these guys are NOT interested in.

Somewhere along the way, American women were pegged as sluts. Perhaps there's some confusion about sexual freedom that is lost on them, but they often apply the backwards logic of sexual freedom and their culture's lack of women's rights to equal a wife that doesn't just have to but wants to because any man will do and we can be tamed. I'll restate here that I know this is NOT all foreign men; in fact, many of my most valuable and respectful relationships are people from other countries and it would pain me for them to think I think ill of entire countries. I only noted the nationality because it is a pattern. There are progressive thinkers, rebels, conservatives and followers everywhere in the world and I'm very grateful that people are more than the consequences of birth, upbringing or broken systems (and believe me, I'd never claim America is near perfection either). However, it doesn't change the fact that these men do creep around on strange women. I don't call myself a feminist (it assumes I'm only for my own interests when I would rather speak frankly about the injustice all people face) but I do think it's important that if it's not okay, we speak the fuck up. I'm not here to tell other women they have to do the same. I wouldn't even tell people not to meet people off the internet because I've had mixed results there (but I'm cautious so it's in public and often through friends). What I am saying is I don't like it and I'll continue to be a bitch about it. Or a cunt. Whatever. It's a word and I'm full of better ones.

I'm pissed about a lot of things really. I'm pissed that people treat sexuality like it can be bargained with or dictated. It's one of the most complicated subjects to understand and it's never been simple, we've just invested so much in societal norms that there's too much needless vocabulary some places and not enough discussion. We don't need new nouns, new words, we just need to get better at stringing words together in civil discussion. We keep slapping labels over labels, dumbing down on serious illnesses, assuming far too much, asking far too little and so much damn entitlement. But no, I don't want to be pitied or unique for this. I'm not proud of any string of beliefs I have no matter how strong. They're my experiences, my choices, and some are just facts of my existence.

I am so proud of what I put into writing, drawing, friendships, contributing to this world. Let me be interesting or unique or known for that. I don't want to be the first asexual anything or the first high-functioning something-else. My greatest accomplishments must never be what I am but what I do.

Current events though: James Gunn being fired for ten year old tweets? May none of the people appalled by this ever be held to the dumb shit they tweeted ten years ago. Sorry, but ten years! I know some people have probably lived angelic lives but ten years ago I was a hot mess and that's a long time to change. It wasn't said in any seriousness and tasteless humor is some comedians' bread and butter. Shame on anyone who attempts to destroy anyone over their past decisions. How bitter and small and irrelevant do you have to be to crucify someone on that basis alone? I'll tell you this-- abuse of power is a disgusting thing that needs to be punished but not on the basis of tweets. If that's really the case, let's not forget the juvenile ignorant garbage Trump posts. Considering how many GOP politicians are blowing up Twitter over Gunn, I smell a distraction tactic myself. Gunn, if it's any consolation, you deserve better. If I truly thought those tweets were serious or unforgivable, I would say so, but of all the wretched ACTIONS that are overlooked, why are we attacking free speech? I sincerely hope James Gunn is able to bounce back quickly. It's heartbreaking when I see creatives get hit so hard over something so dumb.