Coming Together: Love/Hate in Writing

There are some things I'm convinced only another writer will understand. I don't mean anything so elite as whether or not you're published, whether you write short stories or enormous series-- nothing along those lines. Here, I mean the sometimes baffling mix of loving your story and hating it when it didn't just magically change on its own.

Even casual or hobbyist writers can relate. Like a lot of grade schoolers did, I kept a diary. I wasn't one of those daily writers and still don't adhere to that strictly, but I'd attempt to not just recount the 'big events' of my life (like every human being I had a crush on) but also thrown in ideas, stories, poems and drawings. (Any attempt to keep an official sketchbook or diary usually resulted in having many lined or unlined sketchbook/diaries.) In the moment, I can always remember being in love with what I was writing, then cringing at it later.

Getting a little closer to what I'm aiming at, but not quite there yet. Writing changed for me over time. The passion I speak of isn't like the idolatry of my hobbyist days. Drafting is often anxious work for me now, wondering if my mishmash of ideas is going to make sense in the medium I decide for it. The love/hate of writing becomes a culmination of work and play-- needing the focus of work but the fingerpaint of play, the brush of whimsy. Because of that struggle, going back to edit can be paralytic in theory, something I need to just DO and screw thinking about when or if I'm 'ready'.

It's inevitable that I always forget my ideas rock. Humility is my usual stance, but when I start reading, I end up getting sucked into it quickly, even experiencing the magic anew like a first time reader of my own work. It's because of that that I edit it so many times-- I sometimes forget I'm there to rake it and exact change upon it, that I'm not the reader, damn it! The thing is, I keep asking myself 'when did this happen?' When did my history of doubt make me this person that does it anyway, continuously doubting throughout, no matter how many times I'm drawn in.

Because with the pride I have in what I write while reading it, it's not humility to say that I often expect it to be horrible. And why? It doesn't make sense. One of my survival techniques in life has made it imperative that I get damn good at self-entertainment, so why? Better yet, do I ever want that to change? In many ways, it's this idea that I suck that makes me labor to, well, not suck. I can say for certain that self-deprecation is no way to live, but if it isn't terminally paralytic, is it necessarily bad? When I'm pissed at my health issues or dissatisfied with my work, doesn't it make me exercise more, mind my diet, work until I start getting things right?

Used as an excuse for wallowing in self-pity, get rid of it. One thing that never worked for me was looking for people to be miserable with, to be defined or identified by disability. Pffft, outta here with that. While I can find comfort in knowing I'm not alone, I'm more drawn to people that pioneer what can be done when people (and even themselves) say it can't be done. Again, one of my favorite quotes comes back: The people that say something can't be done should get out of the way of the ones doing it.

Sometimes as an exercise, I do a love/hate marking system. Each time I read through something I'll write love or hate on the part I feel more strongly about, on a fresh copy each time so I can't be influenced by the love/hate of a different readthrough. I use these emotional temperatures on multiple edits combined to see if there's a consistent vibe. Something loved a lot might be looked at more critically and something I hate may actually be pretty awesome.

I know I have a lot of these personal exercises and if you think I do all of them for each and every story, you're talking madness. No, I don't do that, but on occasion I come up with ideas like this to get a better understanding of the strengths and weaknesses because repetitive procedure is also madness. If you find that your love/hate gauge is throwing you off, it may be a good exercise to try. The idea is always to push you past the parts where you're stalling. Believe me, when I hit those walls, I'm likely reading your writing blogs to sail over my writing humps too.

Sharing is carrrrring... (Ask my dear friend Emily how creepy I can make that sentiment sometimes, but I promise it's also uplifting and hilarious.)