When a Line is Open to Scrutiny

"Always remember, someone's effort is a reflection of their interest in you."

You see those one-liner quotes all the time that SCREAM 'guilt trip' everywhere these days. You instantly realize there's no way to offer a rebuttal outside of a lengthy objection.

So from the first, this quote ignores the reality of 'obligation.' It's difficult, if not impossible, to fit in every priority in your life into a day, of course. Sometimes it's hard to fit anything in for months. Your obligations are your efforts, first and foremost. Some relationships take extra steps, extra time, and not remembering to check in on people just isn't a mark of their value in your life.

As a writer and artist, my days are gobbled quick. I have certain 'routines' that I go to the effort of keeping up. When I hear my nephews awake in the morning (usually the sound of a keyboard or a bathroom door), I get up and poke my head around the corner with a cheerful 'good morning'. Breaks are often those times where I wander away from my work to eat, catch a nap, research something I feel my knowledge is weak on, poke my head around a door to see if my nephews want to talk or eat a meal with me. I love them and they are a priority, but there won't be many 'fun days' because the greater effort pulls me away from critical points in the process.

"It only take a few seconds to text 'hi'." Psh, you don't know a writer very well. My 'texts' are rarely less than a paragraph. And I'm a 3 AM kind of thinker sometimes, so you tell me how most people feel about a 'hi' at 3 AM with their notification volume still high.

My 'interest' in you is always something I will meet halfway. I let my friends kidnap me with zero notice and largely because I have the 'every three months' kind of friends. We're adults-- jobs, obligations, and I can tell you that a 'lack of effort' creates an 'absence makes the heart grow fonder' situation to the max. So I have to wonder, when I see a statement that needy, what are the expectations? Is there a demand for more time (which we'd all love to have) or a need to be entertained? No, I don't know what it is, but it certainly doesn't speak for people who have realized that chasing a dream requires sacrifice to things like a social life or a presence.

Admittedly, I am the person that doesn't contact first. I do feel some guilt about that, but there is also the humility of not rubbing it in people's faces that flexibility is something I get to enjoy at this stage in my life. My friends often have scheduled jobs, children (that understandably come first), and obligations I endeavor not to add additional pressure to with my own interest in them. However, this 'flexibility' is given the myth of a 'free' lifestyle when there is very little freedom in the pressure to be accountable to your work and yourself. Facing the same attitudes when I did college online, let me strengthen this concept for you. When I started college, I made a note of about 30 names that I saw consistently start and move through the courses with me. One or two started disappearing after months at a time. When I graduated after two years? Three names. I was also a consistently top scoring student and the C students were often baffled that the course minimum requirements of 2-3 hours a day plus 'doing all the work' made them average students. Even with a part-time job, I was putting in at least 6-8 hours of time towards my daily projects. Flexibility is not something casual attitudes will handle with success because many people go into it with the attitude that it will be 'easy'. What it means is, that instead of the standard full time job of 8 hours a day, I can home in on those 3 hour productivity bursts spread through at least three periods throughout my 24 hour day, to maximize the output and... to sacrifice 'days off' or even 'relaxing evenings'.

So no, effort is not the result of interest. I often start working with a lack of interest, just the energy and the understanding that momentum builds from a starting point so I can't always do what needs to be done with a full tank of enthusiasm. I often take small pleasure in finding what the people I am interested in are doing by passively browsing their social media, making a comment here and there. I always have interest for them and even a longing to see them, but it's also precious to me when we just happen to run into each other and we're free.

Right now, I'm not. I greet my nephews, who most of the time have me and only me around, but I am also a passive constant until they feel a spontaneous, low-effort urge to poke their head around my door. Drafting 160K words was something I knew would bite into a couple of weeks of focus. That's not to say people can't stop by, but it's not the time of luxuries where a 'hi' is good to go in becoming a four hour long chat session or a plan is organic to what I need to do first. I might even be quieter than usual because my brain will keep going to my work (that I can't talk about and have make any sense) or... I'll babble on some nonsensical inspiration, completely excited that I've found something to talk about. I'm at peace with this place-- forward-moving and interesting. However, 'effort' outside of it is a passing thought, a poke around the door into your life and a step back into the things I know I can't put off without regret.

Of course, I don't want my friends to feel like they are the only ones putting in all of the effort, but if they make me a priority, I give them the benefit of my best return effort. This is where I'm at. And maybe I'm a little dreamy, hoping for a day when I can be the one sailing into people's lives to whisk them away on adventures, but in the meantime, you're forewarned. This is what I need to do now. And what if there's no tomorrow? Sorry, I'm just not big on YOLO philosophies or the idea that you have to cling to people for fear of not having those guarantees.

Before my mom passed away, I got to spend one amazing day with her in the sunshine, give her her birthday present early, a skull bracelet I crocheted. When she was admitted to the hospital, I got that bracelet back when I left with a bag of her things the day she left her body behind. My last day with  her was spontaneous, devoid of the fears of what might come and I wouldn't have it any other way. I don't go through life wondering what my last memory will be of you nor what yours might be of me. The last two years of her life, effort amounted to a message from her asking if I wanted to come over, me saying yes, us watching game shows and talking about our lives-- the books I was writing, things we read in a magazine article, hilarious commercials from the 1920s. Never once did she guilt me about effort or entertainment or availability. As much as her and I have put each other through, I lost my soulmate when I lost her. It's impossible to tell me that any relationship worthwhile requires enormous effort. Perhaps I am perpetually single because compromise just doesn't fit into my priorities though. Work, mastery, skill requires effort. Relationships are where your heart goes to breathe and will always work best when done naturally.

Also, don't guilt your loved ones with cheap memes. Pour your heart out to their face. It denotes a lack of courage and a lack of creativity to do otherwise. I don't know who that quote was made for when I saw it(not for me, but I could take a guess) but I guarantee if you care that much, you're going about it the wrong way. Unless resentment and misery is the aim. Then you're just being toxic.

Annnnnd if you ever wonder WHY writers are verbose, it's because we know that even a well-thought out work leaves room for interpretation. We just endeavor to close up the gaps a bit more each time. It's a process.