Another Modest Word Count

So today, I worked on the Dreampunk story again. In case, you're not sure of what I mean, it's the YA (young adult) fantasy novel featuring two girls, Miria and Vivienne, from Louisiana that discover they have the power to travel into pockets between our world and another, or the Real and Surreal, gathering artifacts and closing the rifts that are rather dangerous to other humans.

I've put a modest, maybe, 1000-1500 words in this morning, but I've made it a personal goal to just write towards my projects for at least a half hour a day. Not counting research, that is, so I actually spend at least an hour on the back and forth, since I've never actually been to the places where I'm setting up their journey in the real world. Traveling through the eyes of the internet so I may have to do quite a bit of changing in the editing process.

The working title of the Dreampunk Chronicles is actually Through the Golden Doors, which points to the start of their adventure. The scene I start with is based on a dream I had, where they are quite familiar with their gifts, so after that, I travel back to a time before they are acquainted with them and initiate the reader into their first awkward trip to the Surreal. The vocabulary is still advanced, but I think that at least Middle Grade readers would be able to field this one. I'm not filling it with gratuitous swearing or dark themes as I did in my first series, so it definitely won't be filed as Adult. I really wanted to write something my nephews could pick up without any embarrassment for the content. When I write for adults, I simply assume they understand sex and violence, whether they're comfortable with it or not.

So there's that, but since my goal is to both take care of my creative AND physical self, I'm also dedicating time to exercise and watching my diet. I gained back about 30 pounds this year that I'd like to melt away again. I simply felt better without it, so it's not totally a vanity play. Looking better does make one feel better though so let's not pretend it's not nicer to look better as well. If I had the discipline, I'd go for being muscular, because damn, can I build some impressive muscle, but it's also an obsession that too often distracts me from the creative. My journey's goals are about balance though, so we'll take smaller steps for the time being.

In any case, it's time for me to wander off to the next action. A little exercise, then I might hop back into writing. Or figuring out where in the hell I can actually put my new airbrush set. I didn't think this one through. I need a craft room... Can I get a few thousand bucks to build an extension on this house? No? Looks like I'll have to make do.

Don't mind my goofy ass. Just... do you too and we'll make it work. Peace, darlings!

Sometimes You Need a Little Motivation

Simply put, I'm monitoring many aspects of my health. I've gotten back some wonderful blood test results that were... Maybe a little TOO comforting. However, my LDL (bad) cholesterol came back as borderline high. It's not the worst news since the offset of HDL (good cholesterol) is well within a healthy range. This means that it's not a huge red flag, but my love of eggs and dairy needs to be cut down.

I consider it a great thing. I've been wanting to find motivation to improve my mental and physical health, I haven't quite had the strong push I needed to be more aggressive with the physical. Since I started Cymbalta on a low dose, I've stumbled on some side effects that concern me: vivid dreams that startle me awake but are instantly forgotten, for one. I also feel a kind of detachment to my surroundings and it takes longer for me to motivate myself to move. Sometimes I catch my breathing being too shallow, a little dizziness and being tired. While it definitely helped remove lethargy and nerve pain, it seems a little too intrusive on the rest. I decided not to take it today and message my doctor to see what she has to say. I can always switch to Lyrica if this one doesn't work out. I really, really don't want to pretend I'm okay with any medication that trades too heavily on my goals, but this could be just due to my low drug tolerance and something that could taper off.

I veered off a little but the cholesterol test had me dropping workout videos into a playlist and pulling out my old P90X3 schedule. I want to pick that back up on Monday, see if I can get back into circuit training. This hot, volatile summer has made me lazy in more ways than one and I know that one way I can restore my energy and drive is to drop a few pounds again. Which also means that I'll be using every drop of energy trying to restore it. It was losing a bunch of weight the first time that motivated me to be creative again, but I know this time, I'll have to maintain both to feed the other.

Though my memory isn't always great, I do know that each successful trip into healthy, happy days always began with being scared shitless. Spraining my ankle on a tiny curb and a high blood pressure scare set me into exercising. Looking at files and files of unfinished projects scared me into being creatively ambitious. While it's very difficult for me to maintain focus, I'm hoping that medication can improve that in time too. 

But I don't like it. Even 'non-addictive' medicines don't comfort me because it's not the physical reliance that scares me as much as the insistence on half-assed habits that wreck some other aspect of health. I can't just obsess on diet and exercise if it means ignoring my creative progress, and vice versa. Yet it's very difficult for me not to obsess on the one thing making me happiest. I just have to learn to consolidate my health into a layered motivation, being conscious of all the things that will make sure happiness isn't a phase of euphoria in one and neglect of something else.

Being conscious of that isn't an epiphany. There were obstacles that left me scattered and grasping for answers. Yet now that I'm well and truly afraid again, the little rebel in me is gearing up to fight for what must be done.

Don't be afraid to be scared. Be afraid that nothing scares you enough to seek change.

Get You Some D

Calm down; I'm talking vitamins here!

I mean, now that I know, it seems silly and frustrating that no one thought to test me for a Vitamin D insufficiency years ago when I first started showing symptoms of fatigue, muscle pain and nausea. It's more worrisome that pages and pages of diet and self-care sites never really thought to address it either.

Seems obvious now. I'm photosensitive, meaning more than 10 minutes of direct sunlight gives me uncomfortable blistery rashes and pink skin. You can get vitamin D from two sources naturally: sunlight and fatty fish. While I love seafood, it's an expensive diet where I live. I ate quite a bit of salmon and tuna, likely why I'm insufficient rather than deficient, but I've also taken a women's multivitamin for years.

For western diets, that's often still not enough. So I did the next best thing and supplemented D3, an addition that is only a week in.

Here are the details: we should be getting between 1000-4000 IU of vitamin D daily. My multivitamin has 1000 and each tablet of my supplement provides another 1000. Right now, I am taking two, about 3000 IU daily, allowing me to get some from diet and sun as well. It takes about 2-4 weeks of supplementing for energy levels to be impacted.

Because energy is one of my primary issues, I did more research. While a B-Complex is on the top of the list, a multivitamin usually sufficiently covers that. Instead, I decided to supplement another common deficiency that could be contributing to sleep and anxiety issues: magnesium.

It may take a while for this to help me raise my energy levels, to improve my health and moods enough to make an impact on diet, exercise and creative pursuits, but it does wake me up to how insufficient weight loss pages are in addressing just what your multivitamin is doing and factors that may need more attention than a catch-all vitamin can remedy.

And precisely why blood work and consulting with a doctor are a good start. My insurance was garbage for a long time, so it wasn't something I was simply stubborn or blasé about. Also why I can't emphasize enough why universal healthcare is such a huge factor in a productive country. Rather than griping about how people who 'don't work for it' can receive basic healthcare, gripe about why anyone has to pay for it, why the exorbitant taxes we pay are being dumped into shit our country doesn't need rather than the betterment of all. I don't like to fixate on political crap, but our politicians get paid a rather handsome sum to provide such mediocre use of what we trust them with.

Health is all. Bar none. Don't scratch your head, wondering why nothing seems to take. Test your metabolism, possible allergies, vitamin levels. It's almost embarrassing how simple the problem may be. While I can't say for certain this will vastly change the wear and tear over the years, I at least have hope that it may be what has held me back time and again. It may be that I can work more, both doing what I love and making money to afford to do so. 

Ultimately, I want those to be one and the same. That it isn't doesn't defeat me. Things take time and I don't twiddle my thumbs in wait. Do what can be done in wait of what can't yet be done.

When a Line is Open to Scrutiny

"Always remember, someone's effort is a reflection of their interest in you."

You see those one-liner quotes all the time that SCREAM 'guilt trip' everywhere these days. You instantly realize there's no way to offer a rebuttal outside of a lengthy objection.

So from the first, this quote ignores the reality of 'obligation.' It's difficult, if not impossible, to fit in every priority in your life into a day, of course. Sometimes it's hard to fit anything in for months. Your obligations are your efforts, first and foremost. Some relationships take extra steps, extra time, and not remembering to check in on people just isn't a mark of their value in your life.

As a writer and artist, my days are gobbled quick. I have certain 'routines' that I go to the effort of keeping up. When I hear my nephews awake in the morning (usually the sound of a keyboard or a bathroom door), I get up and poke my head around the corner with a cheerful 'good morning'. Breaks are often those times where I wander away from my work to eat, catch a nap, research something I feel my knowledge is weak on, poke my head around a door to see if my nephews want to talk or eat a meal with me. I love them and they are a priority, but there won't be many 'fun days' because the greater effort pulls me away from critical points in the process.

"It only take a few seconds to text 'hi'." Psh, you don't know a writer very well. My 'texts' are rarely less than a paragraph. And I'm a 3 AM kind of thinker sometimes, so you tell me how most people feel about a 'hi' at 3 AM with their notification volume still high.

My 'interest' in you is always something I will meet halfway. I let my friends kidnap me with zero notice and largely because I have the 'every three months' kind of friends. We're adults-- jobs, obligations, and I can tell you that a 'lack of effort' creates an 'absence makes the heart grow fonder' situation to the max. So I have to wonder, when I see a statement that needy, what are the expectations? Is there a demand for more time (which we'd all love to have) or a need to be entertained? No, I don't know what it is, but it certainly doesn't speak for people who have realized that chasing a dream requires sacrifice to things like a social life or a presence.

Admittedly, I am the person that doesn't contact first. I do feel some guilt about that, but there is also the humility of not rubbing it in people's faces that flexibility is something I get to enjoy at this stage in my life. My friends often have scheduled jobs, children (that understandably come first), and obligations I endeavor not to add additional pressure to with my own interest in them. However, this 'flexibility' is given the myth of a 'free' lifestyle when there is very little freedom in the pressure to be accountable to your work and yourself. Facing the same attitudes when I did college online, let me strengthen this concept for you. When I started college, I made a note of about 30 names that I saw consistently start and move through the courses with me. One or two started disappearing after months at a time. When I graduated after two years? Three names. I was also a consistently top scoring student and the C students were often baffled that the course minimum requirements of 2-3 hours a day plus 'doing all the work' made them average students. Even with a part-time job, I was putting in at least 6-8 hours of time towards my daily projects. Flexibility is not something casual attitudes will handle with success because many people go into it with the attitude that it will be 'easy'. What it means is, that instead of the standard full time job of 8 hours a day, I can home in on those 3 hour productivity bursts spread through at least three periods throughout my 24 hour day, to maximize the output and... to sacrifice 'days off' or even 'relaxing evenings'.

So no, effort is not the result of interest. I often start working with a lack of interest, just the energy and the understanding that momentum builds from a starting point so I can't always do what needs to be done with a full tank of enthusiasm. I often take small pleasure in finding what the people I am interested in are doing by passively browsing their social media, making a comment here and there. I always have interest for them and even a longing to see them, but it's also precious to me when we just happen to run into each other and we're free.

Right now, I'm not. I greet my nephews, who most of the time have me and only me around, but I am also a passive constant until they feel a spontaneous, low-effort urge to poke their head around my door. Drafting 160K words was something I knew would bite into a couple of weeks of focus. That's not to say people can't stop by, but it's not the time of luxuries where a 'hi' is good to go in becoming a four hour long chat session or a plan is organic to what I need to do first. I might even be quieter than usual because my brain will keep going to my work (that I can't talk about and have make any sense) or... I'll babble on some nonsensical inspiration, completely excited that I've found something to talk about. I'm at peace with this place-- forward-moving and interesting. However, 'effort' outside of it is a passing thought, a poke around the door into your life and a step back into the things I know I can't put off without regret.

Of course, I don't want my friends to feel like they are the only ones putting in all of the effort, but if they make me a priority, I give them the benefit of my best return effort. This is where I'm at. And maybe I'm a little dreamy, hoping for a day when I can be the one sailing into people's lives to whisk them away on adventures, but in the meantime, you're forewarned. This is what I need to do now. And what if there's no tomorrow? Sorry, I'm just not big on YOLO philosophies or the idea that you have to cling to people for fear of not having those guarantees.

Before my mom passed away, I got to spend one amazing day with her in the sunshine, give her her birthday present early, a skull bracelet I crocheted. When she was admitted to the hospital, I got that bracelet back when I left with a bag of her things the day she left her body behind. My last day with  her was spontaneous, devoid of the fears of what might come and I wouldn't have it any other way. I don't go through life wondering what my last memory will be of you nor what yours might be of me. The last two years of her life, effort amounted to a message from her asking if I wanted to come over, me saying yes, us watching game shows and talking about our lives-- the books I was writing, things we read in a magazine article, hilarious commercials from the 1920s. Never once did she guilt me about effort or entertainment or availability. As much as her and I have put each other through, I lost my soulmate when I lost her. It's impossible to tell me that any relationship worthwhile requires enormous effort. Perhaps I am perpetually single because compromise just doesn't fit into my priorities though. Work, mastery, skill requires effort. Relationships are where your heart goes to breathe and will always work best when done naturally.

Also, don't guilt your loved ones with cheap memes. Pour your heart out to their face. It denotes a lack of courage and a lack of creativity to do otherwise. I don't know who that quote was made for when I saw it(not for me, but I could take a guess) but I guarantee if you care that much, you're going about it the wrong way. Unless resentment and misery is the aim. Then you're just being toxic.

Annnnnd if you ever wonder WHY writers are verbose, it's because we know that even a well-thought out work leaves room for interpretation. We just endeavor to close up the gaps a bit more each time. It's a process.

In the Life of an Illustrator

One of the blessings of not putting all of your eggs in one basket is a very spoiled muse. Spoiled muses aren't a foolproof way to keep busy, but it's pretty close. Writing books became a passion for me in the past five years especially, but sometimes the words wander off and take on a different shape.

Over the past few days, I got saddled with a strange itch and suddenly I started doing all of my queued book covers at the same time. Specifically, the covers for UnSung and four of the five remaining books in the HWU Chronicles (the odd one out is one I'm still unsure of how I'm approaching). I don't know what I owe the credit to, but something changed, something surreal, and once more I started seeing this vivid map of what I needed to make. Whenever this happens, my usual style takes some drastic leaps-- sometimes it's a surreal style, sometimes it's a foray into realism. This time, it's right in between, what I see as my ideal state. Colors and forms are coming to me with a rare clarity.

Passion is one thing people understand but maybe it's the erraticism of a scattered focus that isn't so common. It's not unusual to jump around, not for me, but it can be so effective. These pieces often boost the quality of the other. For example, I'll draw an eye. I lay the colors in but something about it seems flat. Jumping to another cover, I'll do the eyes of the models once more, only this time, my scribbling adds a new dimension. Suddenly I'm spending the next two hours sinking into a frenzy of soulful eyes. In this way, I feel like I'm not only making more breakthroughs but I'm taking more risks. It can feel as if everything is moving at a snail's pace and there is more experimenting than finished work yet ultimately it becomes more productive.

Reference photos are priceless as well. In an erratic workflow, I tend to use my Mac's Exposé (multiple desktops) to plaster reference photos behind each open project. If it seems like I learn fast, it's because I'm a sucker for tools. If I don't have what I need, I find out how to work around it. It's not just my programs or my drawing tablet or my touchscreen tablets. I set up each one to carry out very specific tasks. I download or customize specific brushes, use posing apps to compose where my characters will occupy space.

Ultimately, an adept illustrator is a visual problem solver. When I first started publishing, I would see the same backwards sentiment repeated in writing groups-- hire a pro, never do your own cover. While I certainly encourage people with no design knowledge to hire a cover artist, what people don't realize is that sometimes the shoe is on the other foot. Sometimes the experienced artist comes first-- do we outsource the writing of our stories because we shouldn't fill our own covers? Now admittedly, I don't want my covers to be the industry standard at this point. It's important that my first editions follow the vision. Beyond that, I may use more specifically marketed covers in the future.

Anyways, friends, long day, long week in general and the coffee is wearing off. I may do a post later this week on my favorite tools and workflows. Keep writing!

Finding balance

I've let a few things slip over the unpredictable winter months, I must admit. Not just my overall productivity but my health strayed too. I spent Spring Break doing some planning and reevaluating.  I can't just step right back into the level of discipline I enjoyed starting out last year, for one. I'd crash on day one and that's no good...

So what's important? Well, in my case, I tend to either take good care of my health or work really hard on my creative goals. I've never made a real attempt to blend them together. They are very different beasts. Optimal health is a lifestyle just as much as creativity. Supposing 8 hours of sleep is a goal, there's usually at least an hour of self maintenance outside of that-- showering, shaving, brushing teeth, all of that fits in the bits and pieces. For some people, more than an hour but I'm a minimalist and I don't wear makeup. Creative pursuits are my work and I treat it as such-- 8 hours, 5 days a week at minimum. I don't set it on a 9-5 schedule but I'm considering that. Routine may be necessary in understanding what works. The first week, I'm going to try that. I've set alarms for breaks and meals to try to aid in time management. 

During the week, I walk the kids to and from school. This is an hour of brisk walking every day without fail but I'm going to start making it a slightly longer walk. I'm also going back to P90X3 but I'm modifying it for low impact until my joints give me the green light. And yes, fibromyalgia people, you can work up to this. I started on Slim in 6 to gain enough muscle to handle it. I still have the muscle but I did put on weight over the winter and am wary of stressing lazy joints.

I did a fitness blog where I charted my experiences so I'll jump past more details here. The blog was called Becoming a Different Shape. I still use it as a reference when my pain flares and I have to remember what worked.

In any case, diet takes some preparation too. Again, I'll spare the details but my plan includes an hour or two or preparation on Sundays and heating or preparing during the week can take an hour or two each day. As you can see, it leaves time to rest or work overtime or throw in another walk or two. The wild card tends to be sleep and energy levels which I have the most trouble with. Drinking water and taking a daily vitamin are an important factor not to forget and often the most overlooked.

This is a writing blog though so let's wander back over to that. Creatively, I've never had a definitive workflow or any clue how much I'll get done. Generally, I aim to just make good use of my time. Once I've clocked 8 hours, that's where I decide if I'm interested in going longer or taking a breather.

I know word counts or forcing yourself to write daily might be part of the mix but as a writer/artist hybrid, I often find I like to spend a full week on one or the other rather than bouncing these days. I've written posts that bouncing around works best but my discipline and needs change with the project. UnSung is a Titan of storytelling prowess and the cover art is also something that needs visual focus so I've taken to centering on one or the other so I'm very clear on where I'm picking it up or putting it down. My next books or next covers may need something very different.

Balance isn't always about finding the perfect routine. I need cheat days, I need rest days, I need a staycation even if I'm too broke or stubborn to relax for a proper vacation. I know I need to market to make more than $20-40 a month on this, but right now, I want the library before I create the demand. I especially want my first series done before that. It's complex and controversial and I'm almost positive people will misinterpret it but I'm also prepared to defend it. Balance is very much about understanding how to optimize goals. I suffer when I let one priority override too often. So that's the priority.

I don't want to solely focus on recovering the slacking discipline I had with diet and exercise. Then my work and creative needs suffer. So the name of the game is finding the harmony I need, to not let either become too much of an obsession. And I do have a history of letting things fall off so I cling too hard to things when I know I should be doing something else. You'd think finishing college and finding discipline would make those fears unwarranted but they always lurk. I'm going to have to trust my discipline more. I know I can do anything and I've proven that over the past ten years.

For the rest of you, find pride in your own struggle and accomplishments. Don't let a dark past or a bleak future overshadow the present. Right now belongs to you. Keep writing!