Shoebox Spaghetti

I see a lot of head-scratching topics on the internet. That wasn't a confession unless I'm trying to be Captain Obvious. I'm pretty sure the confusing title behind this post was probably a bug planted on me from some random encounter with a TED talk video, but I've seen it spring up like a weed in many other annoying places.

This one had to do with 'how men and women think.' If your eyes rolled, we're best friends now. 

The concept behind this one is that men's brains are like shoeboxes-- they take out the one thing they need and everything else is out of reach while they focus on their singular task. The way it's presented, it's no less absurd than the old presumption that men can only think with their dicks. Supposedly it's the reason why 'men get confused in complicated conversations involving anything but the one thing they're focused on.'

Okay, so women's brains are more like spaghetti. Apparently this is why we seem to think about everything at once and the end of one thought immediately leads into something that may seem completely unrelated. This just seems to poke at another old myth that women are scatterbrained and hysterical. I can't say I hate that the diagnosis led to the prescription of orgasms, but it kinda seemed like doctors were just looking for ways to diddle their patients.

There are always shades of truth in these studies, but then they are also laden with these ridiculous assumptions that everyone is living in some perfect bubble. It's creepy, like the idea of wearing name tags everywhere or the weird way that people shut down when you toss a label on what you are. I'm not sure why a feminist would get excited just because they meet another feminist. When one feminist's idea could mean they secretly wish for female genocide so we can all play in a male-free heaven together, you start to see the problem. As Michael Che would say, there are LEVELS to this shit!

You can already see where the problem is. I used an extreme example, most likely false and misrepresenting EVERY feminist; exactly like these studies are doing. I DO have 'spaghetti brain' sometimes but it's not the shrill housewife trope where some woman is shrieking about missed birthdays and anniversaries. I often don't know what damn day it is. If I wanted to be inaccurate, I'd say that grief and trauma made me closer to the male side of this concept.  While I do have a ton of projects going at once, I focus exclusively on one at a time. When I say that, it's easy to gain the assumption that something has to 'go wrong' for people to cross the gender gap.

Using softer language, it doesn't become more accurate. Rather than saying 'all men do this' definitively, they'll turn to 'some men tend to...' However, as the points continue, you'll often notice there's a switch into general inclusion of all of that group. They'll cover their ass then use persuasive language and bad jokes to strengthen the argument. Man shoebox, woman spaghetti, unless you're EVERYBODY where life, environment and a variety of factors means there's no actual truth to it, just a series of commentary on two-parent white households prior to the 1980s.

Yeah, the whole comparison reeks of a family model that isn't even that relatable anymore. If we laughed at the comparisons to something that felt familiar, it's because you're either old enough to have actually seen it or you saw it on reruns on cable TV. The more I analyze the ideas presented, the more it seems odd that it could even gain ground. Every example I've seen assumes that the man and woman are a couple and he's hitting things with other things while she's throwing her entire collection of unboxed shoes at him for doing everything wrong.

Okay, maybe not as bad as my scenario, but I'm a writer and you know I'm gonna put a similar spin on it. I'm sure that the original intention was just to try to put some lighthearted understanding on the differences between men and women. I can't deny that there are plenty of differences without having to make up new ones.

For one, men and women do think differently overall. However, it has very little to do with how every one of them will react to a situation. There's a lot more precision than studies ever really touch and, yes, it's even hard to explain. In any scenario presented, there's really no way to tell if said men/women would go with fight or flight. At one point, it probably would have been accurate to say 'men fight, women flight' but was that ever really the case or just the expectation? When we're being watched, who we are tends to differ from when we are left to our own devices. We all have different moralities and circumstances. I can't tell you how many times I was sure I couldn't do something and did it anyway. I never thought of myself as someone who could mobilize when terrified. Even though I more often face challenges than run from them, there is still always the possibility that I will meet my match or change my tune. I have seen different tendencies in men, but I can't say for sure it's because of how we're groomed or some biological urge. Men and women alike can tend towards one or the other. People have tried to say that men are more sexual or violent, but I have seen plenty of cases where women have exceeded anything I've seen in men. There are definitely different tendencies, but I can't say that any reaction or state of being was ever the domain of a single gender. What I labor not to do is assign them before the individual has time to represent themselves.

Men and women certainly tend towards certain interests. That's undeniable. I've written before that the fantasy genre attracts a lot of subgenres for all of the intricacies of difference in audiences. Men do tend towards sci-fi and old-school fantasy and shy away from romance. Women do tend towards romance and female heroes, urban or progressive types of fantasy. This is what the market tells us, but again, there are plenty of people that bridge those gaps. However, women are often more adventurous readers. Women are more likely to embrace male-dominated ideas while men, if they are enjoying women's ideas, simply aren't as vocal about it. Most of the men I have talked to cite the reason as wanting inclusion, that they just don't relate to the 'feelings and female characters'. There are women who do the same thing so I wouldn't be so quick to hate this sentiment. 

I didn't quite get it myself-- I go for full escape. I'm not looking to relate or be one of the characters, but instead an observer and an outsider. I've been hopping in and out of the copilot seat of male superheroes, purple dragons and LSD-popping plumbers my whole life. More often than not, I choose the character with the best butt these days, male or female. The butt animations on gaming are mesmerizing...

It can be pretty confusing to figure people out, but it's futility to imagine you'll ever be able to find some magic formula to figure everyone out. Every time, you just have to do everything the hard way. You're already making snap judgments based on looks, smells, the senses. Life would be pretty boring if we never went deeper. If every time I locked onto a stranger I would just dismiss them before even talking because shoebox-republican-SUV tells me all I need to know, I'd be cheating myself out of every opportunity to prove that even the socially-inept like me can overcome excuses and just wing it. Social anxiety, a lot of us got it, but don't let it be a crutch for snap judgments. And ffs, stop getting your 'facts' off of Buzzfeed. Or at least don't tell yourself there's a single shred of truth there.

Personally, I think we're all shoebox spaghetti. We all set out to open neat little boxes. Sometimes we find uncooked noodles, sometimes it's that predictable tangle of saucy spaghetti and sometimes it's a screaming pile of maggots. We all can get caught up in overthinking and we all have the ability to focus when we find it worthwhile (and life gives us the opportunity). There's a lot of potential in just not believing in all the shit the world tells you that you should be. I can't say I've never been caught in the trap of what I was 'supposed to do.' I'm often the opposite of that and trying to correct it was a mistake. Worse yet, sometimes I did fit the generalization and would waste time trying to change that, be a true 'rebel'. Embrace what you are, whatever it is.

Boxes are for cats. Spaghetti is for everyone.