Writer's Doubt

Alas, there is a different contender in a writer's struggle to get things done: writer's doubt. Just like writer's block, there are healthy bouts and crippling ones so let's explore this a bit.

Writer's block can have a lot of reasons. Poor planning, distractions, pressing obligations, lack of confidence among other things. Sometimes it will tug at you for a few hours, sometimes months and even years can slip by with wistful agony or the sudden surprise that it has really been that long. Writers can lose their mojo and wonder what steps they can take to find it again. They'll get a lot of condescending 'just write' prompts with no attempt to address what could be the problem. Maybe they're glued to the lack of success with one project, maybe they're intimidated by a lot of ideas at once. Usually, I can offer some sound advice as long as they are willing to look at the underlying issues. I'm not a stranger to blocks and 'just write' does work for me most of the time. In my case, it's just a matter of being willing to get rid of something if it really doesn't work for the story. This can be hard for people. We all want to cherish our words, but sometimes they just aren't right for the story. Crap is okay-- it keeps you mobile and is a lesson for growth. Don't let that cringy part paralyze you' scrap it and don't be afraid to approach it differently.

Writer's doubt can be just as bad. It can operate like a block, rendering you immobile. You look through your draft, appalled at all the things that just aren't working now. You get to a part that challenges your morality or skills and wonder if you should push through it with gusto or work around it. You scold yourself because 'someone else beat you to it', some concept or idea that you were so proud of, only to be devastated that research revealed its similarity to something else. I ran into this issue a lot when I went into a reader group and learned, to my shock, that my chosen genre just didn't have a lot of people who were comfortable or receptive to my approach. Sales were hard won and I lost the confidence to promote when I realized I was straddling two genres that weren't married well in current trends.

If you're not caught up on this, I wrote an epic fantasy. The concept centers around a group of people who survived attacks on their cities and were pressed into a quest for revenge and answers. There are many races of people, from ogres to animal-human hybrids, mythical creatures including elementals. The creatures that were always touted with benevolence (the elementals) are somewhat horrifying creatures in reality and the Gods that created them have slept and ignored the world as it has gone to shit. It was bad enough that they thought they were going to war with a southern kingdom, but they are even less prepared to confront the arrogance of the very creators they had come to rely on. It's rife with lore, including a genetic anomaly where the usual elemental alignment of souls missed the memo and some humans were born Soulless, locked into the need to gain a Purpose and connected to the Void where souls vanish. I won't heap on all of the unique characters here, but I took great care to create a simple logic connecting and conflicting this world. Instead of focusing on that, I got the appalling realization that people's primary focus was whether there was sex in it.

It was a hard pill to swallow and one that spiraled me into doubt. There was so much opposition and disgust concerning sexual themes in epic fantasy that my head was spinning. So many claims emerged that sex distracted from the plot, that it was simply a writer's masturbatory fantasy, and so on, things that I could contest but would still be ignored. I might have had those complaints myself once. Despite Laurell K. Hamilton's commercial success, I found the sex to be tiresome and distracting and it killed the Anita Blake series for me. I didn't mark this as a path I cared to take. As for my masturbatory fantasy? Hardly. Some of the scenes were ones I had to create real distance to make successful. I can't deny that I DID enjoy some scenes and mainly because it was written to reflect the characters' honest reactions. I didn't favor any character as my personal avatar nor did I inject my ego. I wasn't even the narrator.

While I absolutely love discussing my stories, I have to admit, it was beyond exhausting to do so from a defensive crouch.  Instead of focusing on the parts that drew up the bulk of the labor, I was batting away attempts to discredit me for crossing into territory they deemed as erotica or romance. I was at a loss there because I've read both and my content didn't mesh with that audience either. Could my content survive getting thrown in that section? Not likely.

It was disparaging, but I wasn't giving up hope. While I was finishing up my second trilogy in this series, that was where my first bout of doubt had hit me. I ran into a game called Dragon Age and was almost crushed by how similar my approach to fantasy was to this game. There were glaring similarities like the Gods I had created and even a character named Solas to rival my Solis character. It was enough to make me halt my story for a while, but being away from my work proved too hard. I sucked it up and made a list of ways they were different too. It was a longer list so I picked up the torch and carried on.

Doubts have always been present along the way. They always will be. People are going to take issue with the vulgar language or the sexual themes or the darker places my characters go. All the same, I struggle to practice crafting stories that are self-aware. It can be impossible for me to classify my stories and I couldn't confidently give anyone a guarantee without holding their hand through it. I can't give guarantees because I have no intention of sticking to any brand or genre. I like to finish my work, yes, but I will be covering a lot of territory in my aspirations. I can easily tell you if something I write is child appropriate or not. My only real issue lies in trying to rattle off what genre/subgenre I'm in because it had been made clear that writing to honesty and curiosity did not leave me in a neat little safe place for guarantees.

I can vouch only for this. I read my stories more times than I can count. Sure, I had to edit them and make sure they made sense, but I've enjoyed revisiting them because they hold my interest. Not an easy feat. We're supposed to like our own stories-- why else would we write them?-- but I have read them on my best and worst days and doubted myself enough that there's no way in hell I would have made the leap if I believed they were crap. My ego wouldn't have allowed it. There are plenty of stories that hit my wastebasket and these were survivors.

They overcame the most crippling bouts of doubt. lol Which is what this post is supposed to be about, after all. I don't think I am in any position to just rattle things off without some personal anecdotes though.

You're going to have life issues that cripple you from time to time. A lot of artists are drawn to and repelled by creation in equally angst-ridden parts. Don't be terrified if you have to create some real distance with a beloved project. Sometimes years. It's not always procrastination that draws you away-- you just recognize you aren't where you need to be to continue. 

Let's revert again to my experience. My first book was a doozy and I still debate some choices. The original book, which I started over 13 years ago, was rife with embarrassing and cheesy anime-style dialogue. What works for that medium does NOT translate well on paper. I knew it was going to be a painful journey to make it something I wanted to release, but that's just it. There was something rather charming about the story itself that kept me from burying it in a landfill.

One of my favorite doubt-busters stems from that lesson: does the story redeem itself beyond the nitpicks? Is it clear? Is it interesting? Are you focusing too much on the typos and not the plots? I can't stress enough to be a story-teller first. Most of your unforgivable mistakes are not story-killers. Yeah, it can go off the rails big time. Family Guy fans, anyone? If you saw the episode where Peter took over a retelling of the King and I, you are already aware of how badly ideas can go wrong. If it's still comedic in that case, maybe you can roll with it. Annnnnd sometimes it's just crap and will need an overhaul if you just can't scrap it.

One of the areas where I find are challenging is dialogue. Dialogue can be a real pain in the ass and mainly because you're maneuvering more quickly in real time. Real conversation is at a disadvantage because you don't get to pick the perfect comebacks or ruminate on it for several minutes. You do get to consider it more carefully, but that's where it gets tricky. You do need to read it back in real time to feel its authenticity. You want it to be clever, true to character, but overworked dialogue can come off as inauthentic. Thank you, Gilmore Girls, for the lesson on how to avoid making my characters sound like meth-addicted rocket scientists. I can't say it didn't have entertainment value but zero people actually talk like that. You probably want to pat yourself on the back at that clever banter, but it can fail hard when put to the test. Sometimes you want to preserve those awkward imperfect retorts. It's not a commentary on your intelligence when you let your characters be a little dumb and incomprehensible. Let your other characters react to it for easy character development!

Okay, friends, I'm fighting sleep so I'll let this one wrap up. Let's just end it by saying that where doubt exists, you don't need to be rid of it. Like stress, there are healthy amounts of doubt that keep us humble. If you find it to be crippling, it may not even be your lack of action but unreasonable demands on yourself. No matter how much you want something, forcing it isn't going to be a cure-all. Sometimes you really need to put some distance on your work, maybe even enough to forget about it altogether until you're organizing those files one day and stumble on it with all the excitement of Christmas morning. You don't need to be a prolific writer to be legitimate. I fell out of drawing for years, but I came back to it better than ever. I didn't stop being an artist just because my heart wasn't in it. Doubt doesn't invalidate skills just because they aren't used in timely fashion. In those times where I wasn't directly using those skills, I was developing the state of mind needed to make it work. Take the breaks needed. Try to get back in touch with inspiration through other outlets. Sometimes a new hobby or a change of scene is the key. Sometimes you have to court ideas before you can marry them.