In Pillows, No One Can Hear You Scream

I've spent a bit of time looking at demographics, marketing, success and failure, probably working myself into the wrong mindset, but the wrong mindset is one of my superpowers.

I keep reverting back to the thing that matters: I love what I do.  Every. Damn. Step.

I've begun to have a rhythm to my workflow.  The books for this series are written, but it didn't stop there.  I've started two more fantasy stories, a romance novel, a sci fi crime novel and a couple of ideas that sit in my DUMB ASS notebook where I've started writing all the things I forget how to do when I haven't done them in a few months.  I still read them, to edit and to enjoy, and I don't get sick of them.  Regardless of how they sell, they are so ME that I remove my doubts when I remind myself of that.

I'm probably not going to get any badass points for appealing to the market trends, but it was exactly what I needed to express and exactly what I wanted from the genre and the cause.  Yes, I would love to get critical feedback to improve, but hell, I'll still write in my echo chamber and love the forest for the trees.

I've made amazing friends out of female authors of varying success.  Don't get me wrong-- I've tried to befriend the males too but the camaraderie never happens.  Sometimes they're wildly successful.  Then again, some of my gals are too but they seem to see more value in building relationships with other authors.  There's a lot of denial that it's a boys club and I didn't want to believe it because I enjoy epic fantasy, but the fact remains, there are men that will admit things like not wanting to read a female main character, don't like the female perspective, need moar swords, etc.  I respect the honesty but at the same time, fuck all that.  I'm not anti- or pro- feminism but there's been a sickening show of bias in the most prominent fantasy fan groups.  But you know what?  I don't want their audience or negativity if they just intend to use those biases to dampen my ambitions.  They may not be my favorite people, but I'm also not going to pout and cry bigotry because that's a giant waste of time and energy I could spend building valuable friendships and doing what I love.

Ah, the drawing is something I'm more intimately aware of and I don't quite get the same reservations.  I've had a thick skin here because it's always been my first love.  Can't you draw anything realistic?  First time I hear that, I was probably 12 years old and I had narrowed my eyes and told him I draw what I like.  And it's always been true.  I've had so much frustration trying to draw things with that universal appeal but absolutely no affect on me.  So I don't.  I can draw like that, but it feels like trying to draw mechanically with someone else's hand.  I stopped caring if people didn't like my style or thought I should impress people with realism.  I see tons of people doing it and it's undoubtedly awesome, but none of it really sticks with me.  Im still captivated by the anime styles and the influence Disney always had on me and THAT is what moves me.

So from the beginning, I've had to face the fact that I'm not highly marketable.  I've looked after the niche market of one. I have not a single clue how to get feedback and I've stopped wasting time worrying about it.  I maintain visibility.  I post something new every week on every social media channel I signed up for.  I stay positive (but do disclose the reality on my blogs-- it does other authors no good, myself included, to suppress any human doubt or discouragement).  I love my work and I will continue to do it because I have a life goal of filling a shelf with my printed books.  And when that's done, I'll probably want to fill another.

Whatever awaits me, I often have to grab that pillow and scream.  Sometimes to muffle excitement, sometimes to let out some frustration.  Mostly so I don't scare the neighbors. I'm a professional-- frustration is no casual acquaintance of mine.  Frenemies maybe.  Do people still use that word?  Oh, that's right, I'm a fantasy author that adds hundreds of words with red squiggly lines on a weekly basis.  We don't really care what's in fashion.  We build worlds.

So even at my low points, I sometimes have remember why I started this.  Why, at my lowest points, I wiped away the tears, swallowed the pain, and picked up that pen.  Whether you want to see more or not, I'm spamming your book retailers with my catalog.  I promise I'm not giving up.  I've been through hell and I've got plenty left to give.