Growing Avocados: Just Like Nature Intended

If you've ever tried to grow an avocado from a seed, you're probably already sharing a secret chuckle with me. If not, then let me introduce you to every how-to page on growing avocados in one picture.

Just like... nature... is there something I need to know about nature?

After meticulous research, I've concluded that nature is far more horrifying than we realize. If you've already seen bottle flies hatch from human skin and parasites that live in penises, then this will be... kind of anticlimactic but for the rest of you who are still shocked that there are crabs in the people-ocean and oak forests are mostly the result of squirrels forgetting where they hid acorns, then I might still be able to shock you.

Avocados need water. A lot of it. Preferably in a transparent enclosed space where other fresh water can't contaminate it. Luckily, there are ecosystems that avocados can thrive in.

Where plastic comes from.

When a plactus and an avocado fall in love, the avocado brutally murders and crawls into its lover's hollow body, waiting for a predator to devour the avocado's luscious body and spit it back into the plactus corpse. They must die for their love and hope their predator is ecologically responsible when they dispose of the remains. An unsuccessful plactus could end up in the belly of a sea turtle after all. Thanks a lot, irresponsible nature!

The hope for the birth of a great tree is not safe yet. The rain could easily drown the remaining seed, so the sacrificing couple must rely on nature once more-- namely the appearance of the toothpick grasshopper to suspend the seed safely where it is only 50% submerged. Three or four will do. It gets a little ridiculous after that.

Without me, there would be no avocados!

If nature cooperates properly, then avocado trees happen!

Wow, this lucky guy happens to have a whole avocado orgy hotspot on his patio! And I thought avocados were shy.

Seriously, though-- it's much harder to see how avocados ACTUALLY grow than an explosion of searches involving cups and toothpicks. In all actuality, it's just the right conditions. A seed that is undisturbed nestles in soil that is always oversaturated in warm weather conditions. It's not EXACT, but the best way for most people to simulate where it grows naturally is to make sure it's stable, half-submerged and warm. Of course, you have to look up how avocados grow in the wild to get any real answers as to how these seemingly stupid seeds didn't die when dodos did. They're a little picky, but thrive under certain conditions. That's all.

Or you can basic-bitch it. Apparently, toothpicks weren't enough.

Should I give it a mai-tai and a trust fund?

There's a lot about today's technology that is just accepted. Most kids are completely lost about how phones used to be or how music was distributed or how a freaking zipper works (it's either black magic or Steve Jobs, I'm 114% certain). I don't put my nephews down for not knowing. Half the time, I type it into YouTube and show them how something works that way. Sometimes I pick up a little factoid I didn't know, like the dates they were invented or discovered (I'm horrible with remembering dates).

Information is sometimes tailored to be too easy, which some people take at face value, but I can almost guarantee that no one thinks avocados actually exist because of toothpicks and water bottles.

Almost. I've read enough YouTube comments to doubt that common sense is all that common.