My Favorite F-Word

Not that one; friends!

I got to go to a Coheed and Cambria concert last night. It's been over a decade since I've been to a concert and I've never heard their music before. However, my friend Joe is one of those people who has a really good (or at least aligned with my own) tastes in music so I let myself go to be surprised and really enjoyed 'discovering' them this way. 

Before that, another dear friend confided in me over a really stressful issue she didn't feel comfortable sharing with anyone else. Even though there's little in my power I can do, I did offer those things in my power (listening or any action she decided to take that needs a crew). It always feels good to be that trusted person and more so when I can get them out of a situation when they decide to take a big step.

Today, my friend Erika posted pictures of my paperback copies of my latest series, which was even more icing on the cake. It always feels amazing to have your friends brag on you, especially since I don't have those 'participation award' sort of friends that don't act like you shit gold with every step.

I used to be the sort that would commiserate with others over the only two friends they actually have, but that would be a self-effacing lie that discredits the wonderful people I'm grateful to have in my life. Even if I only see some of these people twice a year or haven't met them off of the internet at all, there are simply people in my life that I could consider best friends, loyal friends I share meaningful conversations with, that can't be ranked less than friends. There's simply none of the restrained politeness that you'd assign to acquaintances.

Every once in a while, I can ascribe general positivity to some of my limitations and I can't deny that my friendships rarely stay in the small talk category for long. Both I and them know pretty quickly whether we click or not and we dive right into the meat of each other's lives. There are always areas where we clash but rather than fan those flames, we gladly pass those places up and connect on more common ground. If I am down-to-earth or kind or intelligent, it's easily because I keep those closest who let me be that person without shame. If they seem I am flustered or start to stammer, they don't point it out or agitate it, knowing it will pass on its own. I'll laugh, slow down my speech or stop then catch up and all is good.

It's not that the world around me has to take the lead from me. I know it's just as much self-discipline that teaches me to accommodate others and some will not play nice. Walking away from hostility works too. However, for those most patient, I am also able to be a great friend to them. Even as a retail worker, I tended to reward kinder people with better recommendations, sale items, and personalized information, simply for letting me be helpful. You don't have to exhaust yourself with a false face to navigate the world, just be open enough to let people be themselves. Don't take it personally when a stranger treats you like garbage. It's never personal because they don't know you--it's harder for a lot of people to be honest with those they are closest to so they sometimes see strangers as the better choice to take that out on. In most cases, you find a place between firm and kind. Don't let them step on you but also don't let them make you defensive. Often, I see hostility melt into apology and exhaustion rather than continue. When they're too ruffled to stop, there's the walk away.

And yes, even with customers. In fact, I often go straight to a manager on duty, explain that I walked away and ask them to handle it then I'd excuse myself to the bathroom to calm down. At that point, I'm usually so close to a panic attack that I can hear my heart hammering in my ears but I never ask to the restroom. If I ever have the sort of manager that tried to discipline me for that, it's a job I will walk away from. However, even my worse bosses have not gone to that length. It's no longer than a usual bathroom break and I come back a blank slate, ready to go.

You can't be afraid that the world will punish you for taking the initiative. Knowing how to be a productive worker is nothing you need permission for so don't ask for it. Handle it and show you know what you're doing. There's no benefit to bottling as if they own the air your breathe and over medicating to suppress valid human reactions. People who latch onto how badly you need the job will use that against you sometimes. Give them your best, the best YOU know how, and you might be surprised by how your situation could improve.

There will always be parts of your life you shouldn't take to work, things you'll contain in the moment.

But that's what friends are for, right?