No New Music

I'm not yet middle-aged nor in danger of a destructive midlife crisis, yet there are few people thereabouts my own age that don't seem to be so lucky in this respect. I'm talking about the already jaded claims every generation jeers about, in that jaded, grizzled tone: there's no new music/movies/books/ideas etc.

I can't say for certain this isn't true. Every book is a different combination of the same 26 letters. Every movie had a clear beginning, middle and end. Tropes are used over and over. People really haven't changed much since that last big crawl over the evolutionary hump. Music theory has already proven that certain chords and formats always make the most popular music.

So what's the point?

The point is that people are too overly focused on the elements of egotism, formula, and inflexible taste to really look at the magic of creation. It's not the fame and fortune that keeps people from creating when their work is likely to just be a saturated influence of all the things that have already been done. Yet, lately, I've been digging around YouTube and I'm seeing some pretty inspiring channels. A voice coach that dissects professional artists and covers without trashing anyone. A girl who takes the songs of one artist to do it in the style of another. A digital painter that teaches you to paint skin without a step by step format because art is still personal. A brilliant watercolor painter who was ridiculed for his style in art school but blows me away with his work.

I won't keep you in suspense, so I'll post these channels now:

Sam Johnson

Ali Spagnola

Istebrak 

Laovaan

I might link those when I jump on my laptop later, but as I usually blog on a tablet, the switching around is tedious...

What really stands out for me is that, whether you want to or not, it's really hard not to feel the pull of both their obvious skills and passion for what they do. I'm not really the sort that is drawn to artists for their public image, and that's never more true than my more recent fascination with Billie Eilish. I don't care for her videos or cultivated 'rebel' look. P!nk was similarly the edgy pop star that didn't fit as the pretty little industry princess. Yet when I'm listening to music, I care less about whatever image they cultivate for themselves and wholly about what their work creates in me. In both cases, these women speak to me because they create moving music. The same goes for Alanis Morissette, who in her advent days, did a lot of weird twitchy grunge girl videos. Undeniably, her music overpowered any visual accompaniment.

Who did it first? Well, who really cares? Historically, when things had to have been 'new' at some point, were they ever really new at all or was the combination and delivery just really resonate with experiences or innate feelings we always had as humans? The first humans were already creating, even when survival was supposedly all we had time for. The crude cave paintings were often renderings of actual animals, but then you see the hints of pure imagination. Imagine how crazy the fellow cavepeople thought their friend who was painting SIX legged buffalo!

So, yes, some artists are awe-inspiring in their ability to reproduce things we actually see with painstaking accuracy with tools most of us can only manage to use to scrawl out a chicken scratch signature. Some artists wow in the abstract or fantastical categories. Some start movements or never end up trending until they aren't alive to experience it.

But when you find yourself jaded by the thought that nothing is 'new', remember to look for the people who are caught in the whirlwind of inspiration. Look for that mix of humility, enthusiasm, and obsession and listen to the way they are looking at the things you gloss over. Stop giving everything seconds or minutes of the time it takes to look at a finished product and start analyzing the hours and months that go into the work.

Appreciation is becoming lost in the flood of consumption. It can happen to any of us and it can be fixed. Rather than being the crab at the bottom of the tank, yanking everything back down, catch the flow and ride along at the top. Be vulnerable to experience change. 

I definitely doesn't mean you have to catch every trend. Nothing on this earth could make me appreciate mumble rap. But there's still innovation and connection out there. Shed some of the salt and moss gathering on your skin and look for it.

Containers and Voids

One thing creatives all have in common is the need to feed their soul. Okay, that's more of a human condition in general, but what makes a creative type more capable of pumping out work and staying busy is largely dependent on filling an endless void.

Everyone has a container, a capacity for satisfaction to overflow. However, a creative often doesn't have that. Ha, I guess that probably sounds ridiculously sad, to say that the capacity for satisfaction is somehow slimmer, but it's not quite that pathetic. No, inside that void, where ideas are endlessly poured and just as quickly syphoned away, the creative just has to make waves, to catch those juicy streams and shoot them over the brim. So rather than dribble down the glass, as a full container might, a creative becomes a sort of tamer of dreams. 

Of course, forcing those pieces to become something means it takes a lot more control to gather them to fill the audience's containers. Much like working as a waitress, I have 50 ideas in play (or 50 drinks to refill) and it's become more than just filling glasses, but finding the ones who wanted them to begin with.

Nothing is worse for a creative than a void that is simply a vacuum. Which is why it's just as important to find enough outside of our heads to throw into it. Turn it into a blender and find more to gather from. It doesn't mean you HAVE to travel or party every night. Sometimes it means just laying on the floor and playing with cats or watching the rain slap and slither along your windows.

Spending too much time unloading into a word processor or sketching lines... Sometimes, those things just stop flowing and, as a creative, it could cause a panic. Shouldn't the thing you love come, good or bad, as easily as breathing? Of course, no one actually thinks it's easy, but productivity often suffers for lack of those inspirational connections.

As I've said before, writing and drawing are my primary focal points, but I have a lot of hobbies, things I simply enjoy to keep things going. Sure, some people have that one thing they tend to stick to, but the most prolific creators I know are the ones that don't hit full panic mode when that one thing isn't what they want to do. They tend to immediately realize that they have other aspects of their life to work on: a 5 mile jog they wanted to do, a book to read, animals to pet. Some even have sporadic hobbies, things they might also be great at, but definitely just enjoy, if not. Maybe they only connect with it a few times a year, but even if it's work, it refreshes them like a vacation might.

So I guess this is the best time to segue into what made me want to build up with that: doll making. I'm not particularly amazing at it, if only because I'm not a terrific traditional painter or fashion designer. It falls under the category of something I sometimes enjoy. I get a lot of compliments on my second book cover:

Yep, this one...

And I've always wanted to start doing a custom build on a 1/3 scale doll. I've done customs on Barbie sized dolls (which are 1/6 scale) and it's pretty tough working with a model that small. I saved up some money and finally bought the doll parts I liked. Although I had the face pre-painted and the fishnets will be pre-made, I decided I'd craft and sew the other elements myself. And that includes wefting the wig and molding armor this time around.

I'm really excited to attempt to recreate her. It's a project very likely to get me back into my own blender state that inspires writing and drawing more again.

Not that I ever go cold turkey with writing and drawing. I'd just like it to fill more of my day again, but I just haven't been hyperfocused on it. Reconnecting is often about the very intricate nature of inspiration.

So I'm never really trying to fill the void nor trying to attain overflowing satisfaction, just keep the muse twisting around in ecstasy, wherever we meet.

Help Them to Help You

Creative sorts often blog about the many ways to rescue yourself from a creative block, but a great deal of them are hyper-focused on self-care and even a bit too much faking your way through it.

Don't get me wrong--those things do help, but sometimes you exhaust the list, constantly overlooking a really precious experience.

Be a mentor.

I'm not talking about going on group forums and giving sometimes insincere pep talks to everyone brave enough to post their work. Crowd boosting feeds you only the general energy of a crowd, which in turn, actually isolates you from the benefits of real problem solving and learning through a genuine meeting of minds. Pick a passion project. This means to find one person's work who screams at you, no matter how rough, and pursue working with them. No strings attached, no swaps, no fees, no using them to boost or talk about your own work.

It takes serious discipline, to reach out and offer your own expertise without seeking a possible client or fan. You don't have to give it anymore than you're willing to, but make good on whatever you tell them you'd like to help with. Give a brief intro of your experience if you like, but focus on giving them real feedback. Personalized feedback is going to endear them to the idea of sharing, but giving them a piece of your intentions and integrity is a responsibility you can't give lightly. If you agree to take on work outside of what drew you in, don't get squeamish there. Bluntly tell them that that work doesn't interest you, but still commit to telling them why. Even if it's just as simple as not liking the genre or not connecting with the characters, offer something specific, but encourage them to keep offering samples because of that initial connection still keeps you interested.

Remember to set boundaries if they push huge tasks on you that you don't have time for. It often helps to commit to reading only short stories or first chapters. Ask questions that show you've made the effort to pay attention. The more honest you are about how interested you really are, the less you'll corner yourself into reading more work that doesn't grab you, to the point you'll regret and even resent the work and possibly ruin a valuable relationship.

Remember, if you run into the opportunity to genuinely like someone's work when you're hitting blocks with your own, be sure to tell them that their work may inspire you in your own and you may become unavailable. All the same, be prepared to wrap up your obligation to them. They may even happily tell you to postpone it, simply flattered they've given you that spark and send you off to patiently await your availability again.

I've very gladly taken on many beta reading projects without an expected return and I've spoken about this before, but when you take out money or deadlines or expectation, you truly open yourself and your work to amazing new opportunities for personal growth. When asked why I don't charge for it, it's a no-brainer for me: as a professional, I would be paid for work someone wants me to do, but it is not entirely selfless when it's the other way around. I am asking for the privilege to pursue work I enjoy, work that I believe can help me become better at what I do. Through selected experience, I am able to later charge others more.

This isn't the same as working for exposure. As I've said, my offer is extended in the honesty that I am offering only the time I am willing in such a way that doesn't disrupt my own work. I am not looking for a résumé entry, although you can bet your ass that if one of my selected projects gains notable success, I'm attaching my own contribution to it. 

Leading from there, this also why I contribute my expertise to sites like Quora. Even though the platform is crowded with absurdly vague questions, I like to select the ones where I can establish some real solutions. Livelihood is about contribution, not just for myself, but for the benefit of others... And then feeding it back to myself again. I do expect my efforts to come back for my benefit, just not in the exact way some might expect them to.

As always, my choices are about growth and change and when something isn't working, the problem is often with the way I'm approaching it. Am I holding myself back by not proving to be more mentally flexible to the problem? If so, it's time to use my skills to broaden my horizons, acquire new skills or start a new professional relationship.

Since marketing is a weakness, I knew one of those relationships would need to involve that. In return, I offered my own skill set and found a beneficial trade there. 

These things don't exactly fall into your lap just because you want them. Often, months or years have gone by before that opportunity comes along. You can't spend the time in-between anxious, wistful and desperate. Just like it's near impossible to attract a romantic relationship by wallowing in self-pity rather than bettering yourself, you can't expect people to want to work with you when you haven't shown what you are actually doing. My books have been out for a couple of years now and the sales are low and I have no reviews. Rather than letting that get me down, I acknowledged early on that the work had to keep building. More books, more stories, more drawings, more planning. I've had to start investing in new technology and what I'll need to successfully run a convention or trade show booth.

Ahem. So. Essentially, what you sometimes need is a passion project that isn't your own work. Some writers really get mired in their own ego, afraid that liking someone's work more than their own will cripple them. So stop being afraid and lose some ego. Get lost in a new story and remind yourself why you turned to writing. You still get to use some of your expertise and even some degree of empathy, knowing that you're actively working with the author who cares about the work. It's passive yet interactive and a truly wonderful experience in most cases.

This may not be the same for you, but the benefit of using a group to find these projects is that I look at how they are responding to criticism of their work. If they are getting too defensive, wounded or hostile, I back away whether I like it or not. It's important to find some compatibility when it comes to exchanging honesty. If I spot someone who writes well, is interesting AND handles themselves diplomatically, I'm in. I can handle young and inexperienced writers, but diplomacy is very important to inspiring the process that can help both of us.

So don't overlook an often untapped fount for inspiration. The prospect of working with people who I truly believe have a shot at success is thrilling. I'm not looking to hitch my success to that, just to improve the quality and passion of my own.

But I'm gonna brag on them every chance I get, with every milestone they achieve. Isn't it always a bit more gratifying when your favorite garage band becomes an international sensation? Being that day one believer is always a bragging right!

It Could Be Worse

Sometimes I do delve into the lower sides of emotions and states of mind like bitterness, distrust, and so on, but at the same time, I feel like I should make this clear: in most areas of my life, I am actually pretty content now.

Healthier than I've been in a decade. Amazing friends and supportive family. Published author and diligent artist. Finding work when I need it and able to be resourceful enough to acquire what I need (without selling my body or soul).

All in all, what bothers me at any given time is little more than a past that tends to rise like bile and sometimes people tend to pick at some annoying scabs (as only people who have known you for years can do well).

As a writer, I channel those things to my advantage. When the wounds were fresh, I wrote about those things privately and ended up burning or shredding them. That writing was never about crafting a coherent masterpiece. It was what it took to turn internal screams into therapeutic dialogue. I would not be able to write about them with any success if they were fresh. I don't find raw wounds to be more honest. I find them to be messy and sometimes just childish rambling. In my favorite books, it wasn't the rawness of fresh wounds that made me admire the work; it was always the careful presence of the years they took to understand it after. In truth, even though our bodies and minds are eager to forget raw pain, we can actually conjure up those raw wounds more potently when we look, not just at the actions, but the motives, the aftermath and the way it changed us. We are better able to see it like a doctor might see a wound; rather than panicking with the emotion, we train ourselves to really look at the wound and what it takes to heal it.

So when I seem particularly morose or depressed, sometimes it really has little to do with how things are going. Sometimes it's even the aftermath of a rather potent tapping into a deeply painful writing session. In order to write powerful scenes sometimes I have to get uncomfortably deep while staying afloat. Emotions are messy so getting too deep can be detrimental to the writing. Yet the pull is irresistible so it takes immense mental fortitude to keep drawing the boundaries.

Oh, but you WANT to get deep. Blood on the paper and all! I'll have to disagree. Once more, what comes from spiraling into a mental breakdown or letting a character's pain drag me down, that shit is not even that usable or even great when I read it again. It paralyzes me sometimes, which isn't at all useful to my work. What is useful is how I can recall it fully yet know my place as the writer. To get pulled in deep enough to look at it clinically. To see everything that my characters are blind to. Because even if I'm writing for their perspective, my POV is often ultimately omniscient and I need to not just lock myself into one character's drama alone.

The closest I came to being in one of my series was the presence of a being only called She. It was a feminine presence that watched, but had no form, and couldn't interact with the world. In a sense, I was using her to create the sense of what a higher power would be that couldn't affect free will nor had anything to do with the creation of the world. Although unlike She, I was still more omnipotent in duty to the story and didn't favor her in particular. I really just used her to anchor in the theme of the unknown.

The UnQuadrilogy uses some similar themes, but I do use them to tackle once-painful topics. Doubt, faith, religion, belief, imbalance, the unknown sometimes remaining that way, but not outside of logic all the same.

Wherever I am as a person and a writer? It could be worse. I count myself as damn lucky that I am doing what makes me happy. That I'm not hurting those I love and as few other people as possible. That I get to pursue writing while surviving being an unfortunate generation that got slammed by a bad economy. I was also a teenager in the 90s with some of the best music of all time. I also grew up both in the technological boom and still played outside and rode bikes all the time. Everything is not perfect, but I am satisfied with how I handle life.

As a creative, you'll take a lot of hard blows. Yet, from one creative to another, it's really all about letting things roll off your shoulders as much as possible. Don't neg other writers/creatives. Don't be discouraged because your first book doesn't mean instant fame. Don't use your identity as a crutch or an excuse to give up. The best thing you can do for yourself is take the blows and be thankful when you can say it could be worse.

But don't belittle the pain either. You are allowed to see it as important or even necessary. Just don't ever let it hold you back.

Five Days of Not Writing

Although this is one of my favorite times of the year to hunker down and get to writing, today marks five days of not doing that. No editing either.

I'm not worried.

It's also the time of year I up and decided to do some weekend work at the local theme park and crochet a bunch of last minute gifts. My head is in writing still, but the priorities temporarily shifted.

I enjoy doing concessions. I don't do any of the business end, just help with food prep, cleaning and gofering. It's a pretty nice gig that pays very well and the people are a joy to work with. This will also help me promote myself as a writer and work towards better equipment and getting a booth for ComicCon.

Just like online college set up an opportunity to focus better on my skills, this job service lets me shop for great jobs that fit my personality and lifestyle. It's a job model that should be available everywhere, frankly. It's like Uber for job seekers and both employers and employees can find ideal situations and meaningful connections this way.

Back to the crochet, but I'll be inspiring a whole surge of writing through these experiences so all for the better!

Passed the 21K mark!

NaNoWriMo is one of those occasions where you're missing out if you don't try something new. Sure, it's great if you have your tried-and-true processes on lock, but it may be a great opportunity to leave a comfort zone if the confidence is there.

This time around, I'm doing the free-writing thing. In the past, I've always sworn by planning carefully and getting it all mostly right as I go. Less to do, more confidence, right? Well, no, not really. I didn't actually save myself from any work. I would still have to go through the steps of editing and redrafting several times to refine it, no matter how carefully I approached the first draft.

I've found a new sort of confidence. While I definitely planned since my NaNo draft is continuing a series, I decided to abandon things like getting the names of side characters right or fully sticking to a plot if I was uncertain. Rather than dwell on feeling great about it, I wrote a rough idea for what might take place and moved ahead. I thought this might mean that I'd constantly think about it, but instead I'd find where my brain wanted to be and it was quickly forgotten. I found that conversation was coming more organically (something I struggle with) and that plots were more exciting to me, even letting me take quick notes to go back and add later, but flying ahead almost seamlessly.

What I thought would be messy is actually pretty damn efficient in a story and world I've now gotten to know from the 300K+ words in the two previous books.

If your book doesn't need planning (a simple quick standalone or short stories, for instance), then this is the place you're probably writing from to begin with. You'd probably think it gets harder to keep track of a world that is filling up with rules and logic, but I've found that I can rely on my creative memory more than I thought. I'll definitely check for consistency later, but right now, I've got my fingers on the pulse of an erratic unfinished series. Just like checking a heartbeat, you have to keep your fingers on the pulse diligently lest you miss the delicate signs of a problem.

Editing might mean a lot more red pen, but it's no more intimidating than getting a funny story stuck in your head and finding the right words before you run into someone to tell it to.

In fact, I overheard a really stupid end to a phone conversation yesterday and I thought about how to tell it as I was walking home. The more I played with the words, the more I knew where to add emphasis and by the time I delivered it (to my sister that morning) it was way more successfully told than it might have been if I'd stumbled through the recollection.

Walking for inspiration is a tried and true buddy of mine. Combined with the spur of the moment and planning, it can be a long-lasting marriage.

I'd love to tell you the very short story, but wow, my alarm went off. Time to get the boys from school already? I totally got lost in my writing goals today! Excellent!

Flower Power and Meanings

Ooo, why not flex some of my florist muscle with this one!

In case, you haven't caught on (and it is missable so don't feel oblivious), these posts are becoming inspired by the introduction of the character that appears in the color-porn feature I've been adding to the end of each post. In the last one, we had Freesia promised for today, which is the name of a soapy smelling flower (if that candle in Cracker Barrel was accurate), so why not lead into her with a post about flowers?

This could be a book or twelve in its entirety since there's no real way to cover all of the meaning associated with flowers. Roses alone have a catalog of 'meanings' by color: red (passion/love), yellow (caring/friendship), white (I can't forget you). There are a ton of natural varieties and many more manmade/cultivated varieties. Flowers themselves are quite simple and rewarding to hybridize-- alstroemeria (also called Peruvian lily), a customer favorite for their price and beauty alike, are only cultivated in a few greenhouses over the entire world and are one of the easiest to vary. Wikipedia alone lists 122 named varieties, with most of them being South American.

Stargazer (oriental lily)

Easter lily

Lilies tend to be a widespread favorite. Stargazers are among the most visually captivating and smell fantastic. Easter lilies are the most powerfully fragrant, but like all lilies, have messy pollen clustered stamens once bloomed (if you're a lily lover, then you know that a barely opened pair of scissors or a pair of rubber gloves is handy for stripping those off-- lily pollen stains bright yellow). Lilies are another variety that have just as many meanings as varieties and, while you tend to see them a lot at funerals, I've always thought of them as 'fireworks flowers', looking like just-popped explosions of light.

Fall mum varieties

Sticking with the most salable all-season varieties I dealt with as a florist, another popular showstopper flower with a staggering amount of varieties: chrysanthemums (mums). You've probably seen a ton of them hitting stores for Mother's Day since they are an inexpensive and hardy favorite along with petunias, begonias, pansies, daisies-- 'mom flowers.'

Spider Mum

Aside from the common miniature varieties you buy potted, we also got in the long stem cut variety of spider mums, one of my personal favorites next to stargazers in terms of sheer aesthetics (another 'fireworks flower'). You'll often see rainbow varieties when sold cut; like carnations, they absorb water fast so soaking the stems in food dyes gives brilliant results. Natural varieties can be very colorful as well. Again, meanings vary by color, but the overall sentiment of a mum is happiness and celebration.

Belladonna

But why not jump away from what you find in your florist shop and play with some deadly beauties? Belladonna, the beautiful lady also known as deadly nightshade, a shy drooping bloom resembling the conservative skirt of a ballgown that opens to reveal a brilliant sinister center. While not pictured here, it grows alongside it, large shining berries, black as night, that you do NOT want to ingest. Beautiful to look at-- high shine like mirrors and black as marbles but I can't say I'd be tempted to eat it, especially since it's not a common color in flora.

Beautiful nerium/peach oleander flower

No part of a deadly nightshade plant is fit to eat as is. It is, however, used sparingly in medicines for its anti-inflammatory and numbing properties. Many people aren't aware that tomatoes are in the nightshade family. You may have been cautioned not to eat tomatoes, stems, leaves etc. but the compounds it shares with its nightshade brethren are NOT in toxic levels (or put more plainly, you'd get sick from over-consumption alone before ever accumulating toxicity). Also in this family? Oleander, foxglove, larkspur and hemlock. You'll recognize some of these as herbs and flowers.

The more you flip through larger varieties, the more you see that many of them are very catch-all in the meanings department, most meanings created to sell them, if we're being perfectly honest. You don't get a lot of 'negative' meanings; most inspire love, beauty, grace, friendship, memory, kindness, calm, shyness, honor. I can't say it wouldn't be hilarious for the odd practice of buying negative flowers for your enemies to crop up. Even the poisonous ones are breathtaking.

To wrap this one up, how about a speed round? I'll throw out a couple quick ones with less conventional meanings/origins.

<-------Plumeria (frangipani)- connected with spirits and ghosts

Yarrow (aka Key Flower; really just found this while looking for 'flowers meaning key

------------>

Some of my runners-up for favorite: gardenia, queen anne's lace, and peonies. Gardenias and peonies smell and look fantastic, but I always loved the story of  Queen Anne's lace. What an odd flower to grow mostly flat and white like lace, yet have that pinprick of a tiny violet bloom, truly as if the lacemaker pricked their finger with the needle they wove it with.

Flowers can bring an unconventional hidden meaning into any story, one that can be tragically misconstrued. The poisonous flower picked for its beauty and gifted to a loved one could be seen as an intent to kill them. Culturally, flowers could have vastly different meanings. The color red is lucky in some cultures, yet ill-fortuned in others. White could be a color of purity, but is also the color of mourning. Color has its own context despite assigned meanings. Often a created convention is not as commonly held as we think. The best place to hide evil intent is in beautiful things, be they aesthetic or just presented as safe. When I use them in stories, I like to delve into those possible hidden meanings. Sometimes they can inspire a plot I might not have thought of otherwise.

So now we move onto another color-porn selection!

Freesia's hair was always meant to be a deep reddish brown. I needed her character to be grounded, yet with a taste of that notorious red-headed temper. She is my wounded animal type, skittish but defiant against being victimized again. She sees through a lot of the petty and frivolous aspects of human behavior, but displays a hopeful naivete when her defenses exhaust her.

As for her eyes, I wanted something cooler than Krose's warm violet brown yet not too dusky/cold. It's not Freesia's intention to be cold so she needed a cool rich violet to portray the guarded softness within. There's probably a shade deeper peeking from the pupil's borders, but I chose this purple and brown for the visceral draw of them and their link to her (with an artist's consideration for their complements as well).

I don't mean for that to sound pretentious. Sometimes it might. I'm not waving the expert flag, just saying this artist likes them together!

As for Freesia, perhaps there's a touch of the shrinking violet impression, so I wanted her to challenge that as much as fit it. I think even the starkest personality conflicts are found warring in the same vessel and this is true in her as well. She tries to be light and friendly, but it can seem forced and transparent for what it's trying to hide. She is broken at first, but she hangs on the edges of a new life, drawn to being a part of it. Because of that need for acceptance, she gives her entire being to learning how to be the best.

Up next: our boy with a Purpose, Pierait. What is a human without a proper soul? This guy!

So, my garden of kinder-grownups, are you man enough to tell me what flowers resonate with you? Is it smell, aesthetics, size or poisonous qualities that make you shiver? Spill it below!

Favorite Things, According to Someone Who Has No Favorite Things

People like to play a getting-to-know-you game which is often the twenty or more questions that all start with 'what is your favorite_____?' You know what usually appears in the blank: music, band, animal, color, movie, book, and possibly sexual position if someone really wants to drop all subtleties.

I know it's supposed to be a great conversation starter but I'm a pain in the ass here. When I was 12, I could blurt these out in a heartbeat. At 37, I'm lucky I can tell you how old I am in less than three seconds. I didn't exactly become more difficult or particular but at some point, I just stopped prioritizing favorites and began to vary those choices when something else rivalled it. Many times, too many things just fought for the top spot and even top 5 and top 10 lists became tedious. Finding that easy sleazy number one completely lost its appeal.

I have favorites but there tends to be weird paths that don't make their way to the usual picks.

Favorite texture: microfiber fleece (runner up:jersey knit)

Favorite chair: papasan (runner up:chaise lounge)

Favorite musical note: C# (runner up: F#) D-flat and G-flat to the # haters.

Favorite weight: 3 lb. When I get a restless muscle, a 3lb weight works every time.

Favorite cichlid: PinkiePie. I'll be truly sad when that fat bastard dies.

Favorite way to stand: on one leg. Like a flamingo.

Favorite footwear: ballet socks. Adorable, supportive and with the sticky things on the bottom.

Favorite crochet stitch: crocodile (runner up: X stitch)

Favorite cardinal direction: east. Not really, but if you ask me to choose, I blurt that out more often.

Favorite Mad Lib noun: igloo. Fucks with people every time.

Favorite paper type: 80+ lb cover stock 96+ brightness. Smooth as satin. Throw in some copic pens and I'm purring.

Favorite company: Wacom. One of everything, please!

Favorite liquid: rubbing alcohol. Do you know those people that always answer with 'club soda' when you ask what to use on a stain? I'm Camp Rubbing Alcohol.

Favorite article of clothing: hoodies! To prove I'm not just being quirky, I'm throwing in my basic bitch answer. Make it a microfiber lined Sherpa hoodie and we might be bff's.

I actually just looked around my room to throw these out quickly, but I'm a simple and impulsive creature. I have a metric ton of likes when it comes to music, color, animals etc. If you don't mind the long answer, I'm game to explain. 

Right now, I have this weird fascination with the digital color known as light chocolate cosmos, a warm deep purple (technically a pink, but dark and desaturated towards being visually a purple/brown). I might post more color porn in future blogs (I'm being literal here- porn for people who love actual color, not because I came out of a time capsule and realized porn is no longer silent, sped up, and monochromatic). I used this as the hair color for Krose, a character from my first trilogy, The Truth about Heroes. A decent purple-brown can be hard to satisfy since they tend towards ashy and cool. I do love a silver lavender at times, but I needed the right brown to work with an eye color between blue spruce pine and a deep emerald (which is not in the mathematical standards for this color that seems to favor brighter blues over that green, but I love those off-standard combos sometimes). So my chosen complement is this green-cyan shade. I might do some color combos and use these colors as a way to tackle some writing exercises.

Yes, fear not-- I'm not looking to ninja this into an art blog. In truth, I was looking for better ways to show my voice and really, one place you can't shut me up is talking about art and how I use it in writing. I keep hitting a brick wall, wanting to enthuse about my stories but not wanting to give too much away, published or no. So why not use some of the ways I visualize as an ice breaker?

Before I found my Encycolorpedia, I just assumed everyone eyeballed color combos. My teachers and clients have always complimented my choices so it is something I pride myself on. Even now, I try not to choose easy cookie cutter combos and make it a point to use my eyes as long as they work so well for me.

Clearly my favorite colors are almost all of them. Almost. Orange is still my slutty choice for least favorite. There are some greens, yellows and oranges that I can't stand and I'm selective about pinks. Deep reds, purples, blues and true black are hard to go wrong with. Brown is base, home away from home. Tread lightly with pastels and say no to florescent. I hiss at white fabric, which is determined to find mustard stains immediately.

... If this is losing you, then you know why it's not a good idea to ask me my favorite color/etc. Some people are grateful that I launch into these outbursts.  Like me, they are fans of eliminating small talk and going for the core.

These are my people. I do love some small talk people but they get a special pass for humoring me as well.

So... What are your color crushes? Feel free to spill in the comments!

Spinning Wheels

I started playing Dragon Age Inquisition again. It's not a perfect game but it's one of those games that I can really talk story with another fan and no two people have the same focus or interpretation. Because I'd been several books deep into a series with obvious and vague parallels, I felt a sort of connection to this game (as well as the resolution to make it wholly different despite that).

Which means I'm not writing much, but that's okay. I had some issues with sitting up, fighting odd waves of vertigo, so I took it as a sign to pay attention to my health. I switched to housework and long walks to stay mobile but opted for video games so I could sprawl out on my memory foam mattress posture-free. My muscles feel energized, just needing to get the digestive system and head back in line.

In fact, I try not to think about my work at all. Why? Because different ghosts have been visiting me. I've been having strange dreams, sometimes lucid. They're crap as far as stories goes, but there's a personal element, namely WHO I see, that intrigues me most. It's not always the WHAT but the WHO and WHY that seems to matter. Maybe 15 minutes after waking, the mysticism starts to stale and I write it off as brain play (because brains do that too). All the same dreams seem to be giving me some reprieve from the physical discomfort and hiatus from playing creator.

I don't actually believe in karma or higher powers or cosmic balance, but I love that the feel-good hormones seem to find ways to kick in. It may not be in the way I think I need, but if I can be grateful for the way my body does work for me, I can find reserves for forgiving what alters my plans. There are plenty of things I don't understand and those things don't necessarily need sentience or reason for existing. It's because of this flexibility of evidence that I'm more rigid against the sort of arrogance that assumes moral authority based on feelings alone. You can get a sense over time of what stances are based first in feeling then try to build a shaky logic around it. The argument always circles back to appealing to feelings when the logic has holes for exceptions.

I'm going to pick on veganism again for this example, but I truly have no issue with the practice where it works for people (only the arrogance of a supposed morality). It is often successfully passed on by appealing to emotion. It's introduction, even when presented as a health concern still circles back to compassion for animals. When they can't wrap their head around a person loving fish but still eating it, then in an outburst of feelings, it often escalates to a personal attack. Would I eat my family? Well, no. Just like incest, there's consequences for cannibalism which is also why we largely disapprove of it. I don't love a fish as a fish myself so it's not cannibalism and moot point. I don't even love all human beings equally. I was devastated when my mother died but I was only distantly unhappy when a favorite actor passed away. To assume that all living things are equal or that I can be a truly compassionate person by spreading it so ridiculously thin is absurd. There are hierarchies basedmon experience and to be the most compassionate human to other humans and the planet alike, the battles I pick are not going to be yours. In fact, often we support and negate each other for the benefit or detriment and some things balance-- some things need work. Ruining the world with massive agriculture isn't feasible. Dreaming of genocide bringing the planet down to a happy utopia of vegans might work... But you've left all moral high ground where that is a worthy goal.

We don't need to appeal to the direct issues to inspire the intended feelings though. Successful vendors make you feel good about your purchase, like it was your idea all along. Someone sold them veganism, my burden is to sell my stories.

It's why I don't take the profound feeling of my weird ass dreams and assume that anyone could duplicate the feeling through that nonsense. It's not always about the content. The containers are not where you find the whole story. These places are where I find the thing I want to duplicate. How do I make someone feel bliss through the mediums I use? How can I hope to make someone want to pull their cheek muscles into a goofy smile? How people are drawn into books or pictures is, like in my dreams, how much we let ourselves go (or even how we are held hostage).

You could call it research. Or spinning your wheels. There's a freedom that exists where I am right now in this journey. I am free to step away and consider how to be a creature of experience. Yes, a writer is a manipulator, a list, but remove the negative context. You can like the content and be there to affirm it. You can dislike the content but if it's still intriguing enough, you'll want to see where it's going. When I write for me, I want to consider if what is for me makes sense to someone else. In real life, I often just don't get what is acceptable. I also get that it's my problem. Not that there is something wrong with me, just that I'm seeing it differently. So what needs to be in place for us to reach understanding.

People try to say it whenever bigotry is present, but struggle with the vocabulary. We aren't looking for your definitive morality or view, we're looking for you to handle the burden of proof and sell it. So many people on a moral high ground use yellow words to color a feeling with 'facts' that just don't apply to everyone. Is that not reflected creatively as well? Are we not looking for a way to charm our audience with words? In the end, it's not the ideas alone that sell it, but how you can reach the people who want to hear it.

In fantasy, even when the hero saves the world in some fantastical way, they are sometimes ordinary in their world at first. Sometimes they were never ordinary at all but still wanted to be. They are usually not born with a loyal army and the werewithal to conquer great evil. Winning free people is no overnight occurrence.

Of course, fantasy writers, you are welcome to completely prove any of that wrong in fantasy. However, ultimately, you understand it takes a fantasy world to make fantastical ideas work. We can't just wave a wand and make these ideals work here. Even if you could, you're aware that for someone to gain power that fast, the weight of oppression is also an immediate blowback.

In fact, for those conditions to be met, anyone not on the side of the 'hero' might resent and oppose such a regime and even call them the villain. There will never be a happy hive mind because free thought.

I'll wander off now that my wheels have spun, but please preorder the upcoming anthology! It was a fun chance for me to write just a one-off story with no intention to spin it off or expand it. It is what it is and I had a blast delving into a fantasy theme I usually don't write. I won't get the chance to read the other authors' work but I look forward to getting an advance copy before I buy my own print copy.

The Magical Book of Wands, available October 31, is up for preorder on Amazon. One year only! Prints will be available on release day as well.

The Truth about Heroes: A Short Story that Grew Up

I didn't love every Final Fantasy game ever made blindly. My preorder history shows a rather embarrassing trail of chances given before the burns created hesitation. However, Final Fantasy XII, though vilified in the fandom, was a romantic playground for my budding imagination. It took the recurring theme of airships to a new level, adding dimension to the bad guys of the sky, making sky pirates three-dimensional-- beyond just the beautiful graphic Square always pioneered. Many of the characters felt... kind of flat though, aside from the charismatic Balthier but there was a short cutscene involving the Princess Ashelia that hit the nerve.

If you haven't played the game, the scene shows her political marriage to the dashing prince Rasler but while the marriage was still in its infancy, a war breaks out and he is killed. Ashelia's lackluster reaction might have made it forgettable but something stuck (and not for lack of great story-building. I'll link you so you can read the full story HERE). I saw Ashelia become Rienna and envisioned a smiliarly strong young woman who struggled to find her place, not a princess but the daughter of the Commander of the King's Army and her disjointed relationship with the young man her father favored to follow his footsteps someday. I lowered the expectations of entire kingdoms on their shoulders; my retelling didn't feel like one of power and prestige but the raw emotion of young people reaching for happiness. I was a young one myself, romanticizing a troubled love with doomed aspects to lament its interruption.  I rolled it out in a montage, flashes of past and present and the big day becoming a dark stain on far more lives than her own.

It wasn't a chapter when I wrote it, but a one off bit of prose that repainted the scene. I threw it on a CD and labeled it Blazing Paths.

When I came back to it months later, I read it again. This time I looked at the space after and felt an ache and centered the text in the blank space.

Chapter 2

It's not over.

Rienna had fled on the guard Captain's horse, revenge mobilizing her in the numbness of unsorted chaos. She saw his face, the man responsible, and questions flew rapid fire and lava hot in her mind. She knew him. She remembered the heated words exchanged before he left. There wasn't a single excuse he could give her that would spare him from her wrath once she found him.

Two more characters make their way in. She's not thrilled about having company along for her schemes. She needed a tracker to find where the attackers went but that bargain unwillingly gained the loyalty of her tracker's best friend.

In the beginning, I thought this story might be hers, but plans changed. The world grew. There were more people in it, more pieces to the story.

Ashe returned, not as a princess but as a miscreant who sneaks into a circus tent. He watches the performers, drawn to a young man who fights in the same rare style he uses, only he has no memory of why he knows it. Like Rienna, he thinks it is a day for closure until the shit hits the fan and another city is torn down.

Somewhere along the way, it started to become The Truth about Heroes. I got into the heads and lives of people who are not just heroes leveling up in orderly fashion but often pawns struggling for a sense of free will. There are absent gods, people without souls, tribes with dual magical affinities and the shaky pacts of elementals who promise power at a steep price.

It's not about romance or war or magic. It's about the large and small scale effects, pieces that struggle to reform and fit in the shifts of time. The world moves from the grueling concerns of one person's aspirations to the grand 'fate of the world' and often the unbalanced hands that claim to know what's best.

It's philosophy without the definite bias. It's psychology that doesn't play nicely with the DSM-V (or rather shows why brain sciences have a pseudo side). It's character development behind the scenes and laid bare, flaws and all. Above all, it's fantasy-- magic, mythical creatures, new rules and discovery. Oh, the struggle to blurb this one because it's not just a neatly packaged entourage, a party of fast friends with clear roles. It's a series about adaptation and growth. It doesn't tell you how to feel and the characters are only kind of sure about what is true even when they spout it as fact.

Up to that pivotal point, I was about poems and short stories. I was about comics in blue-lined spiral notebooks. I was always about stories but until that point, when chapters became books and books became series, I didn't know I'd be a serial novelist. I didn't know I'd have that kind of discipline and desire to grow a world from a few choice scenes. I didn't know I'd renew my love of drawing through writing. To start envisioning comics again.

Maybe it's not quite as laser focused as it could be. I know that between the three-- comics, writing and illustrating--there's going to come a point where I'll have to choose. I follow the muse but I follow the opportunities. I've seen so many people sink themselves into vast voids of marketing and networking to try to get their babies noticed, but I feel the freedom of ninja production. The flitting between all the plans I once only dreamed of. 

I feel the pulsing edges of finished things. I say finished, but in truth, those edges whisper the possibility of more. I still see the flashes of the War of Black Violets and the ogre uprising. I still see the past antics of my unnamed mercenary in the series I have yet to finish. I see them in comic, movie and video game form. I see a possible future where people open up to my ideas and my voice, but right now?

I see the forest for the trees. I build small fires on still cool nights and write lip-biting tales.

There's the romantic again. Because I'm also growling at computer screens in epic battles of editing and formatting. Every epic brain is tied to a frustratingly finite body that succumbs to eye strain, wrist cramps, neck and back slumps and the need to eat, sleep and human.

However, I once battled a borog on the way to picking up my nephews from school. Storytelling is everywhere!

It's okay if you didn't know you wanted to be a writer since you could hold a pencil. It's okay if you don't find your muse until you're 50. You don't have to have big plans to end up with big stories. Just that little torch that keeps burning with the promise of more.

How to Research

It never occurred to me that this isn't common knowledge until I've had friends and family genuinely surprised that I found something almost instantly that they haven't been able to find after a bunch of fruitless searching. It's not even a generational issue since my nephews and my dad are just as likely to be the ones coming to me about something. I'll suss this one out for you in list form, since apparently, people like lists. (Psh, I love lists. I think in lists, so my attempts to sound excluded are LIES.)

• One word: Boolean

  Why is this such a big deal? Well, it's basically the language of search engines. While voice services where you scream at Google/Siri/Alexa have come a long way in making your questions more convenient to ask, sometimes your most stubborn curiosities just need a basic knowledge of the logic of a search. 
  
  
  In actuality, efficiency is about eliminating the whole question. Stick to the most exact and simple form of it. You don't need 'where I can buy x brand of Phillips-head screwdriver?' 'Buy screwdrivers' is usually a good place to start. Why not be specific? Well, often, merchant sites have their own hierarchy for searching specific items and really, it's best to enter from the home page to type specifics or narrow it down with their search trees. In the event that a better or newer model of something exists, you'll have a better chance of seeing the best possibilities for your needs. What if it's a model they don't make anymore? I'll assume you can't remember what store it came from when it was. In that case, you're probably going to do best with being more specific: 'ebay x brand Philips-head screwdriver'. And if you're one of those people who wants to be a pain in the ass and insist finding it in a physical store rather than a convenient auction/online outlet, then you're probably still going to start your search with 'craigslist' or some other classified posting.
  
  
  I'm sidetracking just a bit, but basics first. Boolean search strings aren't just about what you DO want, but you can also specify what you DON'T. Let's say you type in 'elflocks' and you get an overload of 'dreadlocks' (they're different and it's not just an ethnicity thing). A Boolean search string will say 'elflocks AND NOT dreadlocks' to eliminate the lumped in searches and narrow it down. If you want EXACTLY what you typed, through some quotations on that part. 'buy "The Last Unicorn" movie' is one example.
  
  
  For more on Boolean, I'll link you to your options. This could really mean a world of difference in finding exactly what you're after.
  
  
  Basic Boolean Search Operators
  
  

   Gimme a Rabbit Hole!

  Sometimes you know you need something-- inspiration, an abstract idea-- but have no actual idea where you can produce results. It's common knowledge that you can use sites like YouTube or even social media to drum up some random, but the best way you can get some help is to make sure you're making the most of those trackers/cookies/stalking capabilities that come with those free accounts. Liking posts you're genuinely interested in, or videos or just building a search history rather than always clearing it-- each of these triggers algorithms that get to know what you like. This is part of the reason Google connects your personal account to Chrome for personalized bookmarks and histories. Even if multiple people use the same computer, signing in (and out!) of your account keeps track of your interests and will suggest or lead you to your general interests. My homepage on Google always has a list of articles concerning video games, books-- things I've looked for in general that start to become more indicative of my interests as I use these services. It's not just about showing your love to your friends and favorite artists-- it also helps the internet and specific sites create an environment tailored to how you use it.
  
  

  Valuable SubSearches

  You have Google and Bing and, I don't know, 15+ different search engines you can make your bitch on the most stubborn searches, but sometimes your most valuable engines aren't going to be the ones with the biggest databases but the smartest. That's where your bookmarks become a huge asset to your searches. If you're a bookmark junkie, use the Toolbar feature to throw your top folders or sites for one click access. If you're big on travel, then labeling a folder TRAVEL and throwing in sites like Travelocity, PriceLine, Expedia, and so on, will help you make quick comparison leaps on the best deals. And yes, it's often necessary to use all of them, even though many of them share databases. The reason they exist separately is because they do secure 'exclusives' and your trip could be the lucky niche with the amazing deal. When my dad wants to get a good deal, he knows I can nail it down faster because I keep my sub-sites in order.
  
  
  Sometimes you're trying to find a word when you can't even think of the synonym for the word you can't think of.  In this case, your 'sub' might resort to social media. Specialized groups for your particular stumper are one great niche, but you can also use broader springboards like Quora. Sometimes people will ask you the right questions to lead you into your specifics.
  
  

  Familiarity

  Experience is going to be where you'll build success in what you need for your research. Sometimes you're just tired, well outside of your most productive self, and just need to completely step away. I always suggest to writers to always keep a notepad or your phone/devices on hand to jot down even a word or two. It might not be convenient to actually do the search when you finally think of it, but most scenarios do allow for a little word entry until you can get to it. Of course, I've turned people into my personal dictation machines before. "Ooo, poisonous plants, poisonous plants-- don't forget that while I look for a pen!" Because yeah, sometimes your phone is charging in the back room or you left your notepad on the bathroom sink and you have to borrow the nearest brain for a moment.
  
  
  
  
  Really, most writers are pretty hip to all of this, but assuming as much is how efficiency can get lost in time. Boolean search strings are one such thing I tend to surprise people with. In fact, modern conveniences can end up dumbing down the mastery part of a task. It's great to be a jack of all trades in modern times, but once you start to narrow down aspects of what you want in life, sometimes you need to know what you didn't know to look for. Research is one of those areas where there's only so far you can fake it before the devil comes out. You can take some artistic liberties with some genres (fantasy, especially) but you still need to explain your logic. Nonfiction will be less forgiving, but even traditional publishers may expect updates to your nonfiction work as information changes or inconsistencies are spotted. You don't want to overhaul your fiction as much because it can create confusion when you dismantle the facts between editions.
  
  
  Hopefully, this will lead you all to more fruitful searches and inspirational distractions! Happy hunting!

The Thrill of Discovery

I don't look at reviews. Well, as of now, I don't have any, but I don't look at ANY book reviews. In this day and age, they're little more than ego-strokers and, having been in writing groups and poring through pages, most reviews are useless, solicited and even paid for. Very few of them even say anything that might be helpful to decide and, quite frankly...

I don't give a fuck.

There is not a single book I've read that was ever gotten on a recommendation or a review or some mainstream ass grab. Discovery has been VERY integral in finding the gems in my life.

Garth Nix's Old Kingdom Trilogy was a book that my friend Emily tossed at me that she got from who-knows-where. We were little kleptos back then so she probably lifted it from a bookstore.

Harry Potter? No clue what it was until I saw the first movie and fell in love. Even though I enjoyed the whole series in parts, nothing really beats the first two books and movies for me. The young bright eyed Harry is still my favorite. The initial whimsy beats out all the attempt at darkening the plot.

Anne Rice's Vampire Chronicles. Found Queen of the Damned in my dad's girlfriend's book collection when she moved in. 

Guy Gavriel Kay's The Summer Tree. In my parent's book collection although neither could say where they got it.

Rand and Robyn Miller (Myst/Riven). Yup, played the million disc PS1 version of Riven and had to find the books.

Dark Tower series? Stayed with my mom one summer and decided to rob one of the yard-sale books she used to prop up her wobbly bed frame. This one happened to contain the Sisters of Eluria short story.

I could probably go on and on, just sitting on my bed and squinting to look at my book collection on the other side of my room, but I believe you get the gist of it. Some of us discovery junkies still exist. We still troll libraries, close our eyes and play Pin the Tail on the Donkey in the bookstore, find some dusty book in a rummage sale. It's one of the main reasons I find it so hard to push the sale of my own books. I don't just want success or attention-- I truly want people to enjoy the thrill of discovery, to try my book on a whim.

All these summers where I could have played a video game or played outside and instead I found a world in a discovered book. I truly wish I could give that feeling to people. That they'd stop looking for guarantees, wander outside their damn niches from time to time, wander into uncharted territory and risk reading a bad book. Because yeah, there were some stinkers in there. It might not necessarily have been a bad book, could have even been popular or 'classic' but that's the beauty of literature-- it's a fickle moodlet, a place for introspection or boredom or demands or acceptance.  

So yeah, book reviews are something I will consistently ignore (although, I do crawl through ones of books I didn't enjoy because there's some sick pleasure in seeing those honest and creative bad reviews. People tend to be creative in their brutality sometimes). It's usually a tainted system no matter how much legitimate book reviewers still try to revive it.

Yes, please read my books. Constructive criticism, even more yes. But the less you know going in, the better. The less you can compare it to, the less guarantees, the better. I won't do that. It's a story and one I worked hard to write. I will write many more and they're not going to be like the others, sometimes even vastly different. I want to try new approaches, different perspectives, different moods. I want fill shelves with books that people love and hate, but still stay curious.