The sudden onset of a depressive spell often comes before any search for a valid reason. More often than not, depression is stupidly petty, attacking what you love most and making you feel undeserving.
But take a look at this article.
Okay, I did an eye-roll first, in all honesty. I'm sick of everything being a syndrome, disorder or disease these days. There's so much coming at everyone these days that it's become important to not mistake our conditions for what they are.
This one stands out because it's not only NOT a real syndrome, but it is persistent, common and bullshit.
Yet I've been there, more often than not. I wouldn't say it's invalid but the irony is that it's a state of being where you sink into the idea that your accomplishments are invalid. So it's a valid condition exploring the unrealistic sense of invalidation, right?
One thing we as humans do have in common is that it sucks to suffer alone. I stumbled on this because this feeling keeps popping up and it never quite makes sense to me. It's been a factor in a lifetime of self-sabotage (but let's face it, it's a symptom of much bigger issues with me). Why, when I receive commendations, compliments, validation, do I seek to brush it off?
Like the article said, perhaps it is a way to avoid appearing egotistical. Humility is important to me, except it's not a gracious brush-off. I can feel this alien sense of disregard for my own skills and accomplishments that, on inspection, really doesn't belong there. I have established talents, higher education, an obsession with productivity...
Oop, there it is again. When I'm not productive, the depressive tendencies are laid bare. Because it's a cycle to hide the absurdity of it, there's also an underlying sense that I'm not as talented, smart, or passionate as I could be, that maybe my work isn't as good as it could or should be because it's a bandaid, a sick selfish salve with no business being a part of the process. And holy shit, I do not want to seem emo or like an after-school special!
As much as I'm not feeling the 'syndrome' deal, I have felt something satisfying in seeing the similar chain of a very frustrating presence. Would I be so productive if I wasn't sick with it? Unlike some people, I think my issues hold me back and I'd be better without them. I don't think my love of art was a byproduct of abuse, trauma, health or sickness. I don't think it makes me unique or driven. It makes me scared and underneath the atypical occurrences, there's this passion, I'm sure of it.
But wondering what life would be if there were a cure for chronic illness? It's pointless. It would be like someone asking me how I would feel if I was aborted instead of born. It's a hypothetical that wouldn't happen and if it did, I would cope. If art was no longer important to me, I wouldn't just be a blank slate. The state of living is the state of aligning yourself to your interests, contributing based on those interests, finding new interests. It's not my identity. Identity is a term I struggle with too. It assumes too often that I've made up my mind. I've made it pretty clear that making up my mind is not a power I have.
Creative careers... They're full of gatekeepers, but not a one of them is as confident or masterful as they pretend to be. It's to be expected that there are things we are overprotective of, ways we project ourselves to assert our authority, even if we don't quite believe in it. It's even okay to realize we're just judging something wrong, about ourselves or our aspirations, and we might need to take a deep breath and learn from those mistakes.
There's a wistful spot that wants to belong, but I never needed permission to be proud and I won't tolerate attitudes that are toxic to what validates me. I've seen what I can do and it's okay to admit I can improve without downing on what I've accomplished. I'm not going to love every part of it, but as long as it's an insatiable urge, I'll reach for it.
If you're caught up in the chain of conditions amounting to this impostor syndrome, learn to recognize it. Even if you have to stop mid apology, do so. Shake you head, smile and accept it. Don't explain it away like you don't deserve it. People don't only say things to you because you deserve it or to flatter you. Give them the credit that it's sincere. Let it absorb into your attitude and take that positivity into your work.
Your work is not just a mask. Its success is not luck. You didn't bust your ass for something you didn't believe in so stop letting your overloaded brain poke holes in that.
This one stands out because it's not only NOT a real syndrome, but it is persistent, common and bullshit.
Yet I've been there, more often than not. I wouldn't say it's invalid but the irony is that it's a state of being where you sink into the idea that your accomplishments are invalid. So it's a valid condition exploring the unrealistic sense of invalidation, right?
One thing we as humans do have in common is that it sucks to suffer alone. I stumbled on this because this feeling keeps popping up and it never quite makes sense to me. It's been a factor in a lifetime of self-sabotage (but let's face it, it's a symptom of much bigger issues with me). Why, when I receive commendations, compliments, validation, do I seek to brush it off?
Like the article said, perhaps it is a way to avoid appearing egotistical. Humility is important to me, except it's not a gracious brush-off. I can feel this alien sense of disregard for my own skills and accomplishments that, on inspection, really doesn't belong there. I have established talents, higher education, an obsession with productivity...
Oop, there it is again. When I'm not productive, the depressive tendencies are laid bare. Because it's a cycle to hide the absurdity of it, there's also an underlying sense that I'm not as talented, smart, or passionate as I could be, that maybe my work isn't as good as it could or should be because it's a bandaid, a sick selfish salve with no business being a part of the process. And holy shit, I do not want to seem emo or like an after-school special!
As much as I'm not feeling the 'syndrome' deal, I have felt something satisfying in seeing the similar chain of a very frustrating presence. Would I be so productive if I wasn't sick with it? Unlike some people, I think my issues hold me back and I'd be better without them. I don't think my love of art was a byproduct of abuse, trauma, health or sickness. I don't think it makes me unique or driven. It makes me scared and underneath the atypical occurrences, there's this passion, I'm sure of it.
But wondering what life would be if there were a cure for chronic illness? It's pointless. It would be like someone asking me how I would feel if I was aborted instead of born. It's a hypothetical that wouldn't happen and if it did, I would cope. If art was no longer important to me, I wouldn't just be a blank slate. The state of living is the state of aligning yourself to your interests, contributing based on those interests, finding new interests. It's not my identity. Identity is a term I struggle with too. It assumes too often that I've made up my mind. I've made it pretty clear that making up my mind is not a power I have.
Creative careers... They're full of gatekeepers, but not a one of them is as confident or masterful as they pretend to be. It's to be expected that there are things we are overprotective of, ways we project ourselves to assert our authority, even if we don't quite believe in it. It's even okay to realize we're just judging something wrong, about ourselves or our aspirations, and we might need to take a deep breath and learn from those mistakes.
There's a wistful spot that wants to belong, but I never needed permission to be proud and I won't tolerate attitudes that are toxic to what validates me. I've seen what I can do and it's okay to admit I can improve without downing on what I've accomplished. I'm not going to love every part of it, but as long as it's an insatiable urge, I'll reach for it.
If you're caught up in the chain of conditions amounting to this impostor syndrome, learn to recognize it. Even if you have to stop mid apology, do so. Shake you head, smile and accept it. Don't explain it away like you don't deserve it. People don't only say things to you because you deserve it or to flatter you. Give them the credit that it's sincere. Let it absorb into your attitude and take that positivity into your work.
Your work is not just a mask. Its success is not luck. You didn't bust your ass for something you didn't believe in so stop letting your overloaded brain poke holes in that.
Is there a condition for feeling bad about not feeling bad? I don't know if it's confidence or ego on my part, but I haven't really experienced the bouts of impostor syndrome that's common among writers. I know my writing can use improvement and I'm always a WIP, but it's something I accept and I don't really feel the fear of being under qualified or being a fraud or uncomfortable with praise. And the fact that I don't feel that fear makes me feel like maybe I'm doing something wrong and that I really should be plagued by those fears. Or is that, in itself, the impostor syndrome?
ReplyDeleteI think it's often something we're prone to early on, where some of us were shamed by jealous or bitter people and you get that twisting feeling in your gut or you don't. I have a life jam-packed with accomplishments, but praise and criticism both kind of roll off of me because I'm always looking at ahead at the next thing. I live in a room where my accomplishments are proudly displayed and the goblin that tells me it's not enough. I think it hit really hard after my mother passed and I suddenly felt the weight of what I wanted out of life. If fears render you immobile, that's a problem. As long as any fears or doubts don't paralyze you, then impostor syndrome is just a nasty side effect. I think I worry that I just have too big of any ego and I can even be a dick about it, but I've never truly liked that side of myself. In a way, it made me procrastinate more than anything. I would say I've done so much, why aren't people throwing themselves at my feet? I think it's that extreme that makes me so cautious about how I present myself so I prefer to just cover it with work and the next best idea. Work is where I find my peace. I guess I can accept that I'll always have to work hard to balance a chaotic brain. In truth, impostor syndrome would be what you make of it and there's nothing wrong with whatever feelings you have that help you reach your goals. There are times when I feel invincible and proud, but the down swings are there. This condition isn't based on logic and I don't feed it to the point of wallowing in victim status, but what's the saying? Admitting it is the first step.
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