Editing Under the Influence

This probably comes off as a fuck-you-Hemingway or a threat to the virtues of sobriety, but in truth, I'm talking about an uglier influence: negativity. Normally, I'd say that this is is the time I'd rather divert to another task. I've also said that it's good to hate your work sometimes, so that's where I'll poke at this thought.

Some people poke bears. Some people get drunk and sleep with them. I'm looking at you, Hemingway.

It's impossible, for whatever reason, for me to like my work right now. I know it's not a genuine disconnect because these are ideas I was just recently excited about so they don't just magically suck-- all of my open projects at the same time? Something's up that has nothing to do with the quality.

However, these feelings can be paralytic. This is where I read about people going through what I am, always insisting to the blogger-- no, it's worse than everybody else's! I can't physically move, there's a weight on my chest, it's hard to breathe, my heartbeat is sluggish or feels like it's stopped, I'm numb. I used to be one of those insistent assholes so I'm calling your bluff. Despite loving my friends, my social anxiety doesn't just extend to stepping foot outside but to them as well. Despite the heaviness or chronic pain flareups, I can put one foot in front of the other (even if the results are a bit Bambiesque).

I'm pretty sure Hemingway wrestled Bambi too.

In these long slumps, unmedicated and encapsulated eternities, it can all feel pointless and hopeless, but it's not. I'm not irreparable, I'm not worthless, and I have to fight the damn goblins with those platitudes to the point of exhaustion, but guys, they're only as 'real' as we encourage them to be. For many of us, the price of immersion and imagination, the mania of it, just has an undesirable downside. I've even said I would trade the ridiculous highs for a serene middle ground, but that's also not a choice. How dare I simplify a complex problem? Well, would you rather give it validation to continue or kick its ass and belittle it? I'm a nurturer, but when it comes to negativity, I'll be a sadist any day.

Get out your gimp mask, depression; you're MY bitch now.

I know that it's not about choosing your attitude. I'm not belittling it that way. But I am saying you have to stop treating yourself like you're so precious too. What? You hate yourself and all you do? How is that precious? How is contemplating ending it all precious?  Even with your survival instincts going full retard, it's there and it's not valuable like hope. It's dismissive and catastrophic. It's telling you to nurse your pain and wallow in it because it makes you deep and strong. Like a vagina. You're a pussy. No matter how you feel about those words or their connotations, the fact is you're reducing your own potential to heal, becoming one piece of yourself when you're better than that.

Also, don't be a dick! Unfortunately, there are zero pictures of people giving a thumbs-up that don't look like total tools.

It took years to admit that those stupid exercises the therapist had given-- take a walk, don't eat garbage comfort foods, focus on breathing-- all of them were legit parts of ending sabotage loops, treating myself like I matter so I'm not encouraging more self-destruction and health issues to feel sorry for myself with. If you're still thinking about editing in this state, it may actually be valuable, but don't neglect self-care, don't use it as an excuse, don't make big permanent changes, and be okay with reducing your workload even if you are used to being a full time writer. Again, these are the sort of don't's integral towards my experience but do try them anyway. Also, probably don't confuse this with burnout for writing. I don't know if this is what people refer to as burnout because I know it's neither about the writing nor the passion or it wouldn't make sense to pine to write again, but no matter what depression or anxiety latches on to, this specific burnout isn't only solved by being able to work.

(*I'm going to add here that my perception of real burnout tends to be a complete revulsion or disillusionment, a lack of finding any value, not just enjoyment or state of mind. Burnout is something that you see in retrospect-- where you walk away and don't come back after an extended period of time. Perhaps this is why we fear it. The distance had to be established to realize it's not just a regular block.)

Writer's block?

 Facts-- while I haven't been able to pen my creative projects with any success, it does make me turn to blogging for introspection. I have been able to edit in short bursts (I do have more advice on this coming up). I'm hiding it from my friends, even though I probably shouldn't. Everything I do requires exhaustive effort but doing nothing is worse. So how do I function?

Not writer's block.

Well, I started by trying to find the emotional connection with my work, but it's pointless (try anyway). If I insist on loving it, I'll fail and get frustrated and it won't happen. Guess what? Don't need it. Instead, I do some joyless line editing. Look for grammar issues. It's a perfect time to outline because you're better able to be concise, grab important story points rather than thinking everything is important. This is where I do continuity checks, look at vocabulary, decide what points I might want to revisit later, creating turning points or Easter eggs.

And yes, because it's loveless, there is no marathon editing. I'm lucky if I can pump in two hours at a time. However, when I'm in a state where getting up to pee or eat is a huge effort, I'm not going to get militant with any other aspect of my life either. 

I might be talking semantics, but I'm not *really* saying force it. One of the reasons I juggle projects is because I often have to juggle basic needs with great effort. 'Nudge things around' is more like it. Shuffle it around. You're not trying to force it or snap out of it or even beat it out of yourself (no, Krista, no more misleadingly hot pictures of sadism). You want to be as firm as you can muster, which requires caution but diligence nonetheless. I know-- it's not easy. It's the hardest thing you will ever do in that moment. But you matter enough to try.

One thing about my issues is that I avoid medication at all costs. I have addiction in my past (present and future, but I'm not abusing/using now) and the side effects are worse than the problem. So yes, holistic means I have to feel the whole damn thing, not just the tip.

I'm trying to be serious, I promise on my pinky. But just the tip.

Medication numbed it but it also made me numb and apathetic and immobile. If you benefit from medicine, make sure you're keeping that a part of your self-care routine. Be an advocate against being a guinea pig if it's just slowly destroying you. This isn't a one-size-fits-all. It actually took my friends and family to point out I was getting much worse. Please make sure you have a support system that can point out how medication is affecting you because you might be too zombified to see it.

Being open to yourself about what you're feeling and what you need is a big part of learning how to walk yourself through a slump/depression. And I know the lows are terrifying and make you feel fragile and they ARE dangerous. We just don't always know what will trigger us into giving up. Celebrity and success clearly doesn't make you immune. It's okay to ignore social media or refuse to look at reviews or critiques, to avoid bad vibes or the risk. However, I do insist you find a way to exercise, mind your diet and kick away your crutches. Limp around, wobble and fall, but you CAN move. I'm not speaking from a pedestal or a safe place. I'm even more certain that you need tell yourself this at ground zero.

Regardless of whether the setback is mild or severe, you can't really actively get rid of it. There's no magic pill, no revolutionary workout, no epiphany from the work you love. Or at least, don't count on it. Because there COULD be is reason enough to work too!

But if you insist on throwing your money at something, I might have a pill to sell you. #shameless

 While there may be exceptions to what works, don't be afraid to try. Be an idea factory, write short prompts or scenes, blog, throw darts at pictures of people you don't like, stay in pajamas but still wander around the neighborhood. Because lying there, leaking and whimpering, only makes it worse. Don't nurse and encourage that fragility. Make yourself cry or get angry. Keep your lows an active forward-moving slump and maybe your work will benefit too.

There are a lot of factors involved though. The discipline may include long term attention to care, to coming to terms with setbacks, forgiving yourself the trickle of productivity. Just keep in mind that whether you're a long suffering depressive or one of them rare normal Pokemon that just isn't aligning to the task, there are methods to try.

For the last time-- not a Pokémon!

Find your strengths in your weaknesses and you'll get there.

Really, I hope I could make you laugh and cry at the same time. When you're all up in your serious feelings, a sense of humor-- I can't emphasize this enough-- is VERY valuable. I know some people like to watch sad movies, to get some good crying in, but I usually prefer a comedy, the stupider the better,  so I can look absolutely insane with the whole bucket of emotion.

Plus, inappropriate laughter is always the most therapeutic.

So yes-- edit when you're down too. Distancing yourself from things for fear of ruining them with your stupid, worthless, unenthusiastic, uninspired garbage is the exact opposite of what your work needs. If you want to be a dimensional writer, then don't tell yourself you need to be anything. You also don't need more layers to be deep. It's possible to write a phenomenal book when you're in total control; it's possible to write one when you're a hot mess. It's not the amount of strife that makes you deep or interesting, it's how you incorporate yourself into it. I get it; you don't want your sob story leaking into your strong themes. Again, when you can't trust the emotional aspect, you're still ridiculously capable of finding focus through surrendering to apathy. Rather than being critical of content or tone, remember to be a boring grammar nerd or a fact-finding vulture.

You're never completely useless, I promise you. Every aspect of humanity is tailored into a creative pursuit. There will be days when you can go above and beyond, days where you can meet expectation. So expect many many days of slumps too-- just... well...

MAKE THEM YOUR BITCH!

Idea Factory

There are times where I wish I could just pound out lists and lists of my ideas, that I could just be content to know I'm an influencer and let them roam free. Yet, alas, I cannot trust it and I hoard it like filthy, dirty treasure.

MY treasure

Influencers often monetize their ability to collect followers (and thereby justifying the ridiculous amount of time they spend on social media). Nothing wrong with that, but it is more like aggressive and often insincere consumerism. I wouldn't say that influencers are below integrity either-- I'm sure many will only influence something they believe in, yet with all rises in success, the temptation would also exist to lower their standards to collect on things they don't really care about. The creator in me just can't be satisfied with this passivity towards the production either way.

It's important to me that my ideas do go through some creative control. Maybe it's the obsession with being first. I don't want to be the sharing type only to decide I want to do it, yet they beat me to it. Then suddenly I look like the copycat, the fanfic hack, and the idea slams my heart into my feet. Perhaps it's possible to be an influencer and an author, but no matter how I think about it, it seems like a cycle too open to paranoia, wondering which idea I should have kept or released to the sharks.

MY tail

Having already touched on the writers that seem to want their book written for them and people who pretend to have an idea but are really farming, I won't do that again, but ideas are still, at least in the sense of the creative process, somewhat precious. (No. No Gollum picture here!) While some people get excited by an idea they can borrow or steal to carry their scene, more often than not, I find it too influential, too tragic a miss in working out the problem in a unique way (if not unique, at least organic to my own critical thought process).

In a previous post, I brought up impostor syndrome. If you're not hip to this, it's a condition that gives you the sense that your accomplishments are fraudulent, even when they are valid. Because I run into this feeling more than I'd like to admit, I try to avoid any practice that might give the negative loop grounds for feeling like a thief, a hack, a fraud. I do have an ample history with fantasy as is and often I can pinpoint some of my plots as being derivative, but I keep those influences as far from vivid as possible. I know those sorts of people who almost exclusively copy-paste or take credit for other people's work and have no shame for it. To me, it's disgusting. You won't often see a heavy bias from me, but this is one I'm unbending on.

It's not lost on me, the irony being these people almost never get a taste of impostor syndrome.

Maybe there will be a lot of my ideas lost when my life comes to a close. It's a shame, but I've never asked much from this life and ideas are one place where I tread carefully. I love to share methods, techniques, slices of life, mood management practices, fitness updates, patterns, but the times when I hoard ideas or put a price on them-- please believe that this is where artists need to assert the value of their contribution. We do give a lot away for free. I've shared crochet patterns I've made from scratch, short stories, pictures-- many of them even of quality I should be charging for. It doesn't always make perfect sense what I choose to make free and what I insist contributes to my wallet. Because so many artists do make stunning works available free, there's almost an expectation, an entitlement that something comparably better is free so yours should be too.

Ideas are a dime a dozen. Look at all the free books!

Also, MY books.

The idea that only the best should be allowed to have value is a falsehood. A free market doesn't mean nothing has value. It gives the consumer the ability to discern what to consume and the producer to decide what its worth. They often do put things out there, simply out of the need to share, their own measure of what might give them exposure and sell more of their work, but it doesn't exist to give consumers permission to undercut the value of all art. You are perfectly within your right to decide it's not worth your hard-earned money, but you are not within your right to decide its value. And yes, piracy will murder some dreams, and it will always be a problem. Your ideas exist in some form already. Your sense of humor is even dependent on someone else's ability to enjoy it (and you can just as well be the only one to enjoy it-- go, you!).

Everything is trash, everything is treasure, and you don't have to be right about which way that leans for you.

FYI: Treasure. You don't have to agree. You don't have to understand why I spent months bingeing on Homestar Runner games and toons. Strongbad, King of Town... Still my spiritual BFFs. Also, where I learned the word 'chiaroscuro'.

You've probably noticed, but I find popular authors game for examples, both positive and negative. The main reason for this is that is that their success no longer hinges on anything short of massive boycotting. Which never happens. You can hate Seeetepheeniee Meyeeer and E.L. Fudge all you want, but lack of taste will sustain them forever. Authors like Anne Rice, Stephen King, JK Rowling-- they're safely out of reach. It's much trickier either being positive or negative about the rest of us peons because I neither want to seem suspiciously undercritical nor do I have a desire to be the weed in their garden (or the wildfire-- some analogy for killing their career). When I do find time to read their work, sometimes I don't want to immediately be the critic. Sometimes I do enjoy being the consumer.

And sure, writers are SUPPOSED to look at everything with a writer's eye. We're supposed to do a lot of things, but I find most of them to be pretentious and counterproductive if you take them as gospel. Yes, take a little advice concerning the growth and cultivation of ideas, but you're doing yourself a favor sometimes just by not taking every aspect of it and turning it into work. Look, you're in a creative career. It's still about conveying emotion and passion. It's not all or nothing and your work benefits most from the balance-- be a passionate emotional person with a sharp rational brain.

I know creatives get a bad rap for being flighty and irrational. I can't tell you how relieved I am that this is totally wannabe bullshit. I ran into so many try-hard hipsters that talked a big game and produced jackshit. The productive artists, digital artists especially, are people who work with computers, technology, numbers and logic too. Some of us are ridiculously literal, critical, intolerant, stubborn. There's no political barrier either-- a mix of liberal, moderate and conservatives in many degrees. Because of this, creatives also don't have a 'type'. It's sort of just human nature to notice the loudest try-hards of any stereotype.

Kicking my ass back onto the main track though...

He's going to kick my butt.

No matter how you feel about ideas, I can always recommend plastering your existence with them. I have several apps on my tablets and computers, emails to myself, notebooks, post-its, scribbled and typed remnants of the big and small processes of ideas. Get them out. You may have a project in mind, or just want to put out the pieces that may lead to one. It doesn't really matter. Catharsis comes from release. Even when you're blocked, sometimes you're still feeding some beast that probably needs attention. Some people fear that they'll just end up starting and not finishing too much so they do nothing if not the big project. This is why I designate specific programs, ones I give myself permission to treat as generic. Sometimes, it does lead to ideas for the main project(s), but the point of an idea phase is to free it into being. Not to completion, but to some visual or tangible medium.

Which is why many idea-makers are still traditional. Pen and paper is still a good way to cheat yourself into a sense of making something, a boost in the right direction. It turns a secret into a promise, a promise into a project.

I've said this before too, but word count is trivial. While I've had spells where word count was the goal, it was only something I allowed myself if I was certain that the story was planned well enough or simple enough to be pantsed. Produce ideas first, worry about categorizing them when the need presents. Preparation is a good thing, but sometimes you do need to throw a few logs on the fire to shed some light on what comes next.

I'm going to wander off a bit since I've finished covering the branches of this topic for now. I do want to say that, despite the amount of time I spend blogging, I also spend gobs of time writing and planning and editing. I try to put update posts up so you can see accurate progression towards my projects. There are some slower spells where... well, ideas. Outlines. Planning. The word count is a nice little package, but it hardly delves into the process of accumulating it. It's not a mark of confidence. People do attach bragging rights to it and it IS exciting, but it's not the greatest measure of your effort. Connecting your ideas will be the silent victor and one that you work to share eventually.

Happy manufacturing, my word engineers!

Impostor Syndrome

The sudden onset of a depressive spell often comes before any search for a valid reason. More often than not, depression is stupidly petty, attacking what you love most and making you feel undeserving.

But take a look at this article.

Okay, I did an eye-roll first, in all honesty. I'm sick of everything being a syndrome, disorder or disease these days. There's so much coming at everyone these days that it's become important to not mistake our conditions for what they are.

This one stands out because it's not only NOT a real syndrome, but it is persistent, common and bullshit.

Yet I've been there, more often than not. I wouldn't say it's invalid but the irony is that it's a state of being where you sink into the idea that your accomplishments are invalid. So it's a valid condition exploring the unrealistic sense of invalidation, right?

One thing we as humans do have in common is that it sucks to suffer alone. I stumbled on this because this feeling keeps popping up and it never quite makes sense to me. It's been a factor in a lifetime of self-sabotage (but let's face it, it's a symptom of much bigger issues with me). Why, when I receive commendations, compliments, validation, do I seek to brush it off?

Like the article said, perhaps it is a way to avoid appearing egotistical. Humility is important to me, except it's not a gracious brush-off. I can feel this alien sense of disregard for my own skills and accomplishments that, on inspection, really doesn't belong there. I have established talents, higher education, an obsession with productivity...

Oop, there it is again. When I'm not productive, the depressive tendencies are laid bare. Because it's a cycle to hide the absurdity of it, there's also an underlying sense that I'm not as talented, smart, or passionate as I could be, that maybe my work isn't as good as it could or should be because it's a bandaid, a sick selfish salve with no business being a part of the process. And holy shit, I do not want to seem emo or like an after-school special!

As much as I'm not feeling the 'syndrome' deal, I have felt something satisfying in seeing the similar chain of a very frustrating presence. Would I be so productive if I wasn't sick with it? Unlike some people, I think my issues hold me back and I'd be better without them. I don't think my love of art was a byproduct of abuse, trauma, health or sickness. I don't think it makes me unique or driven. It makes me scared and underneath the atypical occurrences, there's this passion, I'm sure of it.

But wondering what life would be if there were a cure for chronic illness? It's pointless. It would be like someone asking me how I would feel if I was aborted instead of born. It's a hypothetical that wouldn't happen and if it did, I would cope. If art was no longer important to me, I wouldn't just be a blank slate. The state of living is the state of aligning yourself to your interests, contributing based on those interests, finding new interests. It's not my identity. Identity is a term I struggle with too. It assumes too often that I've made up my mind. I've made it pretty clear that making up my mind is not a power I have.

Creative careers... They're full of gatekeepers, but not a one of them is as confident or masterful as they pretend to be. It's to be expected that there are things we are overprotective of, ways we project ourselves to assert our authority, even if we don't quite believe in it. It's even okay to realize we're just judging something wrong, about ourselves or our aspirations, and we might need to take a deep breath and learn from those mistakes.

There's a wistful spot that wants to belong, but I never needed permission to be proud and I won't tolerate attitudes that are toxic to what validates me. I've seen what I can do and it's okay to admit I can improve without downing on what I've accomplished. I'm not going to love every part of it, but as long as it's an insatiable urge, I'll reach for it.

If you're caught up in the chain of conditions amounting to this impostor syndrome, learn to recognize it. Even if you have to stop mid apology, do so. Shake you head, smile and accept it. Don't explain it away like you don't deserve it. People don't only say things to you because you deserve it or  to flatter you. Give them the credit that it's sincere. Let it absorb into your attitude and take that positivity into your work.

Your work is not just a mask. Its success is not luck. You didn't bust your ass for something you didn't believe in so stop letting your overloaded brain poke holes in that.

I Don't Know What I Want (But Don't Let it Stop Me)

Throwing around ideas is part of any creative process. Crochet, writing music, writing books, drawing-- doesn't matter what it is, I'm almost never certain until it's being done. I don't think having done something has ever made me confident enough to be certain of my plans, but I make bold claims then rearrange them.

Right now, I want to finish this current series and free up room to jiggle back into comics. That's not to say my novelist aspirations are coming to a halt, but I have to admit, I miss the output of a visual project. I learned a lot while doing my first series' covers and I really want to bone up on more painting studies, work on lighting and backgrounds and composition. Now, comics are mostly generic line art in comparison, but most episodic comics also have first page marquees that are more detailed than the comic itself. Those would align with my goals while continuing and active project.

Also, I've come up with some pretty great comic ideas-- things I can do as serials or shorts. It will let me flex my muscles as a multimedia storyteller. Books are a terrific expression of ideas, but I can't help but want to inject more of my visual prowess into my ideas. So visual books, comics, are the happy medium.

These days, I'm laying out the foundation for the complete four book series (heh, I already have the ending planned) so once I throw down the master plan, the writing part will throw down fairly quickly (no shortcut to decent editing though).

For now, doodles. Doodles for any and every concept when I need to toss around this series planning stage. I already have some concepts down for the sci-fi romance and some episode planning. I also have a few other maybes to roll through, see what sticks.

It would be nice to be an OctoKrista. I'd love to do eight things at once, but the reality is, I just have to try for a good mix of discipline and shifting until I find it.

Fish Shtick

At one time, I might have said that I'm just talking out loud. Now, I can say for certain that I actually talk to my pets. Not in the way you would with someone who might converse WITH you in return, but I raised human children. Boys especially have the tendency to delay speech even when you suspect they understand damn well what you're saying. In the same way, I believe creatures that spend enough time around you start to learn what you're communicating in some degree just as you are.

Don't eat each other? I'm going to pretend I didn't hear that.

I'm sure there are arguments for their level of intelligence or retention or position on the food chain, but there are some parts of interactions with sentient creatures that doesn't fall under mere coincidence. It's not the same as fanaticism or fervor-- I've said before that while there are distinctions between being a critter mom and mother to your own spawn, there are certain convictions where it's not important if they are real or imagined as long as they are beneficial and the connection is genuine enough to have a real impact.

Many times, I've been told my fish would make a great subject for my comics. It would be hard to express the level of passion I get into when I'm lovingly talking about my 'jerks', but whatever it is, it's clear that the way I observe their behaviors does ignite my imagination. It's a mini soap opera in there sometimes. The big pink jerk and dominant male, PinkiePie, tends to be everyone's favorite (and I can't say I don't share that sentiment). He patrols around with the fish version of a strut or he blubs around, sort of lazy in his insistence on claiming two of the rocks (yet benevolent enough to let another fish occupy the one he isn't claiming). He watches me more than the others and likely wonders if I'm a threat to his dominance. He's also vain and insatiably curious. If I'm taking pictures or videos, he follows the camera almost ruthlessly. He hates how I arrange the tank, but his own ideas seem more borne of spite than actually improving things. He's smart though, so if I want him to stop trenching under big rocks, I have to block his efforts with smaller rocks. He's gotten stuck in rocks that I've warned him he's too big for. I can almost see the defiant glint in his eye when he looks at me and does it anyway.

I don't have a feeding schedule for them, but they seem to know why I'm coming near their tank based on their behavior. If I'm coming over to look closer, they wiggle around mid-level and gravitate towards my face or hands. If I'm feeding them flakes, they start to agitate the water before I even lift the lid. If I'm about to feed them pellets, they know they sink so they wiggle near the surface (sometimes splashing because who has time to wait?). Whatever you want to call it, they observe and learn. Even if I throw in an exception, they are pretty quick to solving the new problem. When I started feeding the brine shrimp in freeze dried cubes, one of them learned that sticking it under the water coming out of the filter broke it up. He was like a dolphin pushing a ball around, immediately repeating the behavior that led to the reward.

And yes, they do ridiculously stupid things, but that has little to do with brain capacity. They tend to do stupid things for the same reasons humans do: Attitude, lack of forethought, forgetfulness, ignorance. We're all creatures limited by our circumstances. One of my earliest posts has a concept I've always loved in terms of measuring intelligence (and it doesn't matter who said it because chances are, it's been said many ways by many people)-- if you judge a fish by its ability to climb a tree, it will live its whole life believing it's stupid.

If he can do it, why can't you?

In a literal sense, it's laughable. Fish don't suffer from crises of conscience, at least not in any observable sense. I've seen what might be regret (getting stuck in a rock) or even mourning (when my big pink jerk lost his breeding mate-- he's never bonded to a female fish again and looked for her for days, but didn't eat). Inferiority is non-existent in cichlids, even to the point of blatant stupidity. They're proud to the point of causing stress to themselves for not backing down or not hiding from an aggressor. 

"I'm gonna kick your butt."

I know, I know-- not the point of the quote, clearly, but as much as I love the quote for simplistically relating that intelligence has layers, it doesn't do the nature of fish any favors. Not all fish are created equal after all. Most species of fish although ranging from dull to beautiful are also somewhat boring in nature, so my own experience with fish is still limited to cichlids, but I can vouch for them. If I put a tree in their tank, they'd uproot it. In fact, I suspect their nature is to get rid of anything that isn't weighed down. They dig up and push around the fake plants and rocks and gravel and one time they even figured out they can scare the crap out of me by pushing the airstone into a rock or log and float it (I make sure the tube can't stretch that far anymore). You could make the argument that it wasn't deliberate, but I pretend like I'm not watching and see that they wait until they think I'm not looking to do something they know I don't like them doing.

You could be delicious, so keep it up and I'll find out.

Haaaaa, as much as I observe, it really sounds like I do nothing but study fish all day, but women-- we are the ultimate multi-taskers and this is an activity that actually aligns with writing, designing, computer work. In fact, you can say my productivity even increased despite their 'distraction'.

Affinity isn't an easy thing to explain. I love the little bastards. I talk to the little bastards because there's some gratification in the response to the stimuli. Sometimes they seem to understand and obey, other times they seem to deliberately disobey. It doesn't really matter which it is. Like faith and fantasy, not every aspect of it needs logic. They do like when I talk to them. They do get extremely interested when I dance around or exercise. They even seem to enjoy mimicking me when they can. It's symbiotic and beneficial and a sounding board that works. 

Often, writers don't always need input. Sometimes it's just nice to have a sentient being to throw things at. It's kind of nice when that being doesn't actually have the capacity to give advice even. Sometimes we just need unblinking encouragement. Or judgement.

Probably judgement.

Needs more work.

Me Encanta Google Translate

I am not fluent in any language but English. I'm sure people have a lot of things to assume about my culture-lacking white American ass, but assumptions are about as fluent in understanding your fellow humans as Google Translate. 

Yet I. Love. Google Translate.

I tap something mundane in my only-lonely English and whirl it through every language and return it to my own, usually mangled beyond recognition.

"You've got to be kidding me" can become "You need to make a joke". The more colloquial or regional or local the saying, the more likely you are to tip it over its limits. Somehow, I managed to get 'whore' to translate into 'niece'. Them's fighting words.

Or as they never say in Catalan...

Okay, so it's not exactly news that the thoughts you spend a lifetime translating into your understanding of the spoken word are not universal. Ideas can translate over language barriers, but sometimes, learning the foreign words of a language (expressing ideas your mother tongue doesn't have a single word for) or a new language altogether is directly related to your aspirations or thirst for knowledge and not a gold card in being more 'cultured'. Nowadays, we can almost instantly learn how to say 'poop' in every language and using one of those simplified words usually bears explaining when it's not common use anyway. So it's probably more useful to learn 'pretentious' so you can confirm someone mumbling it in response.

Fluency in more than one language is impressive, I won't lie, but mastery in anything is no less so. The difficulty of learning a language highly depends on your mother tongue. Hungarian is said to be one of the most difficult for English speakers in terms of pronunciation but Japanese is actually one of the simplest to speak. Written, it's opposite, since Hungarian uses the same alphabet, unlike Japanese which uses simplified Chinese characters formed from picture mnemonics. Fluency is also highly dependent on immersion, so you can learn how to speak, read and hear a language, yet be completely lost in practice.

Mentioned before in another post, but I'm 'fluent' enough in Japanese and standard Spanish (español, for the PC bullies) to pick up on what's being said sometimes. It's odd because it's difficult for me to put my words into another language, but hearing someone doing it, something clicks and I'll contextualize enough of it to understand sometimes. More so in Spanish. With Japanese (wait, technically 'nihongo' but I'm not digging out the characters), it's more in the reading where I pick up characters I couldn't recall just by being asked. Years of attempting to translate manga will do that. I mention this for a reason...

Google Translate isn't completely useless or purely entertainment. It is still capable of guidebook-level translating of a mildly helpful nature. Meaning most of what I'm typing here would be a hot mess, but if you just want to know how to say 'where is the restroom?' it's probably pretty accurate.

Well, how else do I ask Catalonians if they even lift, bro?

There are certainly those more proper expressions in every language that we don't realize are not as down pat as we'd like to think, way too literal in translation than intended. Luckily, it's probably not going to deeply offend someone. Unless you're pretending to be an expert, most people are understanding of your little foreign hiccups.

Digital translators tend to latch onto 'safe' chains, or things most commonly in sequence, with no regard for usage. Your best bet is to drop in one word at a time and actually reference if this is the proper word for what you want. The intended language may not have a word for 'puppy' but also might not default to 'little dog' either, but instead decide that 'pup' might relate to a human child. 

What translators can help with is syntax and word order once you find the correct keywords (this is my experience with English to most other languages I've played with at least). Even when the words it flips back tend to deviate, the word order does stay true to the language, which can be a helpful device in the rules of grammar at least. Word order was one thing I struggled with when learning basic Japanese, especially when it came to questions. My English brain kept insisting that the 'question word' comes first, but in polite form, the subject always leads. You can jump straight to sentiment in informal/basic speech (Ganbatte ne!)

Disclaimer: this is how I formally address my sushi.

Now you're just being needy, Catalan...

As much as I love learning and playing with language, admittedly, there's no practical reason for being fluent in another. I do know the language of crochet terms and reading charts. I also know HTML, Flash and Basic computer languages to some extent. Each of those had some practical usage in developing skills. While it is immensely helpful to learn a language where you want to work or live, most efforts to learn something well need to be cultivated to be useful or remembered.

There are a lot of things to consider when looking at languages, but really, it's allowed to be fun and there's no shame in admitting you're only confident in the fluency of one language. I'd still encourage you to attempt your scant knowledge in friendly company and to take every opportunity to learn language from another. Take the opportunity to even ask if your Google Translate mess is redeemable.

Again, I don't see anything wrong with knowing one language. There are a great many languages where even the verbose never master every word of it. It only seems ignorant when the one language you know is very poorly done, almost to the point where you're incomprehensible. There are certainly plenty of people who are grateful to ASL (American Sign Language) or Braille-- languages that allow them to share and absorb ideas that can be distributed into other languages.

Crazy, I know, coming from a chick who is insane enough to insist on doing all of her publishing endeavors herself, but I am willing to admit I won't be the one to translate my work into 47 other languages.

Sometimes, a single discipline is more than enough. I endeavor to understand English better, but I do need to hit the dictionary sometimes and try not to send others running for theirs. However, I'm not going to pitch a fit when people speak another language I don't understand. Unless you're throwing shade at me. Bitch, I understand body language just fine!

Does anybody REALLY understand anyone? WARNING: Philosophy has been breached. ABORT! ABORT!

Character Profiling: UnNamed

In case the blog title and any previous posts haven't emphasized this enough, this little exercise in profiling my book characters will definitely prove unconventional. In case you think I go out of my way to be over-the-top on purpose, nah. 

I wrote UnNamed after making fun of myself for the millionth time that, while I never forget a face, I'm 95% likely to forget your name until I've known you for about six months. Even then if I don't see you after a few years, just as likely to forget. The main character survived an incident in his mid-teens that left him badly scarred and with a specific amnesia when it comes to names (and likely the circumstances of an emotional trauma prior to that made his brain trigger the conditions of that amnesia). He skips over any attempts for others to learn his name and he gives people nicknames that serve as mnemonic devices for himself, not always flattering or unoffensive.

For that reason, I cripple the reader a bit. You do not always learn their names but you attach his naming conventions at his level. He doesn't allow himself to be a sympathetic character but he's not an asshole just to be one, he just survives by understanding his limitations and emphasizing his strengths.

I'm already cutting a good picture of the first MC. Again, I'll labor to keep out spoilers for the ones looking to read it. It's worth the surprises.

The mercenary

Hair: dark

Eyes: dark

Distinguishing features? Four distinct scars

Unable to return to the city he was raised in, he is left with few choices in terms of survival and one almost gets him killed. Deciding mercenary work is the safer choice, he lives a dangerous life but one on his own terms. Not altruistic by nature, the discovery of an artifact leads him down a path that turns his unexceptional existence into one he never could have predicted.

The kid- Brat

Hair: ?? 

Eyes: ??

Distinguishing feature: androgyny

There are zero people that the mercenary trusts in Orendon, but Brat is the safest bet when the mercenary can't travel with the artifact. Brat is a street thief, their mother is a prostitute. The average pipsqueak kid who loves adventure but lacks courage, the mercenary only brings the kid into his mess because the kid is linked to the artifact. Despite their glaring differences, they are more compatible companions than either would ever admit.

The barmaid- Cherry

Hair: red

Eyes: blue

Distinguishing features: ??

Meets the mercenary when he gets blitzed in the bar she works at and accuses him of stealing from her. Discovering she is yet another link to his mystery, she tags along to find others like her. A generous yet shrewd woman, she is both fire and ice in nature but that flexibility makes her resourceful too. She doesn't balk at asking for help but is also capable of handling herself.

The socialite- Sunday

Hair: dark 

Eyes: dark

Distinguishing feature: vitiligo

A self-possessed woman, practical and adaptive, she doesn't bat an eye when her life takes a turn with the mercenary showing up. He calls her Sunday (he means Sundae) after the ice cream dessert because of the contrast of her skin. Unoffended since she can tell it isn't done in cruelty.

The living doll- Dolly

Hair: blonde

Eyes: blue

Distinguishing features: none

A nervous girl from a farming family and one that brings out people's protective instincts. Petite and youthful in appearance, her childlike personality makes people liken her to a doll. Joining this growing group, it is her first experience away from her family. She is curious and a bit naive, but still nervous about being away from home.

The giantess- Brute

Hair:

Eyes:

Distinguishing features: size,  blue tattoos

First seen working at a dock unloading crates. Despite her intimidating appearance, she has a generous sense of humor and a vulnerable side underneath it all. She is drawn to feminine women, everything she isn't, but until the group comes along, she lives a life of hard labor to blot out the complications of her past.

The mother- Reina

Hair:

Eyes:

Distinguishing features: mother

Toting around her children, she struggles to surpass the difficulties of being a single mother. Because she reminds the mercenary of a specific person, he gives her the actual name of that person. The only way to chill her warm personality is to threaten her children.

The guard captain- Amber

Hair:

Eyes: Amber

Distinguishing features: air of authority

A headstrong cautious woman who is driven by a sense of duty. When tragedy strikes, she leans on the discipline of her training rather than an emotional response.

The flower seller- Flower

Hair:black

Eyes:

Distinguishing features: 

A soft spoken sort, who is matter of fact but not blunt. 

The spy- Blayde

Hair:black

Eyes:

Distinguishing features:
Unlike her sister, she is brash, quick to act and sarcastic. Despite her rebellious nature, she is more virtuous than practical.

What's difficult about profiling these characters is that their appearances were relatively short. I have one regret and it's that I tried too hard to keep this entry in the series short. In truth, it could have been fleshed out like I'm am doing with UnSung, easily making UnNamed also stretch more comfortably into three standard length books. I didn't realize what this series needed until I shed the limits of querying it. In fact, I probably hurt it in trying to fulfill that.

Live and learn. Maybe the richness of the ideas in store for this series will inspire translations into other media. It's always possible that I'll want to revamp these stories for a comic format. If I truly felt it was a lost cause I would jump ship. The idea of doing UnNamed based short stories stems from that need to paint a bigger picture from the source material. I want to explore the mercenarys's past as well as the Maidens. Now moving forward, I will be bringing in the history of the Sentinels so that was meant to stay vague through UnNamed. UnHeard and UnVeiled will actually pull in a lot more of the ancient history I've hinted at, although UnSung has done a bit of that too.

One thing I am certain of is that epic stories are best served by doing away with a word count. Write the story, exactly what it needs to be-- worry about parsing it later.

I'm no GRRM either. By that, I mean I'm not looking to clog with filler (one hell of a storyteller but I'm not saying anything he hasn't heard a million times).. If you're familiar with Dragon Age, it's more like that. There aren't rosters of meaningless deaths upping the page count, but the massive undertaking of the past, present and future of an entire world. Cultures, mythologies, intentional characters. The fact of the matter is that it's almost impossible to avoid 'telling' in epic fantasy if you try to fit huge ideas into compact counts.

Again, live and learn. In any case, this is precisely why I want to do some spin-off stories. It's still a complete novel but I want to visit it more leisurely.

I think sometimes a writer just wants to keep picking at scabs. Sometimes you want to go deeper or splash on the surface a bit more. I do have a love of short stories because of King's Dark Tower series shirt, Sisters of Eluria. It led me to read them (although it's still my favorite). While I find his novels hit or miss, I think he writes brilliant short stories. Perhaps it's the inspired burst in its  brevity that makes it so engaging but it really suits his pacing and style best.