Not Bad

Put another day of WinterFest away. Got to see my friend Cliff pulling the same side hustle, so that was an unforeseen bonus! I worked at Street Pizza, a gig I fell right into with ease despite not having done it for a year. It's not hard slinging pizza though. One of my first jobs was a pizza place after all. Over 20 years ago. Should that make me feel old? Things like that don't really have that kind of power over my mentality though. So, no.

It's a rainy day but I'll be doing it again. They might send us home before 10, which I won't complain about. My back is plenty achy (a thing which actually does make me feel old) but otherwise, I'm good to go.

What else? Did some crocheting today. Still working on some little Christmas gifts for a few people. Nothing too big since blankets can take weeks or even months. Sticking to some little figures of Christmas theme and hopping around to which one appeals most. Working on elves at the moment.

I did finish Dameon's Ezio, so...

Share! It's a lot more simplified than my vision for it, but it was a tricky one to make, period. Still turned out absolutely adorable.

I might remember to share my current projects once finished, but tis the season for some lazy, FA la la la la, la la la la.

I ended up sorting some shelves to make my doll addiction look less like a crowded elevator of half finished dolls. Damn, I know; my life is too exciting, but in all seriousness, that's just the way I like it. Quiet, like me, and full of cerebral but hands on activity. There's a lot of pride in finishing these things.

Provided I get around to that any time soon. I'm back to starting more than I can keep track of. But if you know me, you know I will get to it in time. Some things need timing...

Well, off to get ready for another WinterFest. Tomorrow, I get to see my Em and we can geek about everything, possibly while sipping wine and making less sense. Then back to my Sports Page job for the week. Gotta love the hustle for keeping a girl busy at least.

Rolling Along

Despite being rather roly-poly on Thanksgiving dinner (and more Thanksgiving dinner, being leftovers), I'm hauling my ass up to work at King's Island's Winterfest tonight and tomorrow night as well. Would I ever love to be lazy, but having Christmas (and Nintendo Switch) money is the higher priority.

NaNoWriMo? I got about 500 words done this month but I'm calling a personal month as a sort of New Year's Resolution in my future to make up for it. 

My doll projects are only getting lightly poked at but I have a FairyLand Karsh (my first strung ball-jointed doll!) and a MiniFee something or other that I won as a freebie coming so the dolls are officially getting out of hand! I've got a girl Nendoroid blank body coming but couldn't pass it up at $10. So I have a butt load to personalize but I'd still like to wait to until I get an airbrush set to do face ups. It would make the sealant part go much smoother.

I did cave and get the print copies of my three trilogies, which is a little boost too. It doesn't feel real that I've written 11 books, that I've got even more being written, however slowly. Writing a single book is a big deal so when I look back and see how much work I did over three years to get those books to print, it's staggering. I have to really sit (and fidget, as my doctors would joke) and look at what a huge accomplishment that is and really let myself absorb that. It still doesn't seem real that I published my first book in August 2017 and got the others together within a year. And it wasn't a rush job. Somehow I sat and edited them countless times, did covers, formatted, built a little website, and I still didn't see how very much I had done to make it happen. Only when I sit and think do I remember the vast amount of work and care I put into making it happen.

But I have wonderful friends who always remind me. Who remember to remind me to be proud, to feel the accomplishment. To keep gathering stuff to make a wonderful booth at some upcoming convention and to believe in my many talents. Because whether or not I always see it, there is very little I set out to learn that I don't master with practice and diligence. And when it's time to take a break, even if I sit out for a full year, I often accomplish more in a year than people who set out to do so in a decade or two.

Why? Because I believe that dreams are worth working for. That sometimes there's a fire and sometimes there are embers but we mind them how we can. We force the flame or stare at the embers but we can't seem to put it behind us. We don't look at our age or even accomplishments. When pursuing a dream, all those worries get to vanish for a while when we crack into our working mind. We don't always pay attention to time or deadlines. Sometimes we charge beyond a goal, sometimes we fall short, but we don't forget. Dreams that persist just don't pass like waking dreams. They encompass all we are and demand. To ignore them is the only way to feel regret.

I consider myself lucky. That I have such a varied life full of work and wonder and people who see what I hope to be yet appreciate what I am. Whether I'm pinching pennies or emptying my wallet, they're just not looking at my material state. My dreams don't live or die based on wealth. Now, working pulls the energy out of me, sure, but that's a temporary situation I am also currently grateful for. I've been able to fund some of those material goodies to make my brand memorable. My name is rather unique too and comes up easy on searches...

Rambling is a sign I'm ready to go, but thanks for reading! Back to the grind and with hope in my step. May your steps fall only on the path you choose!

500 word count? Yup...

Apart from not really embracing the change NaNoWriMo.org went with this year with the new site, I realized that with this long brutal cold came the realization that 50K was no longer realistic at this stage in my life. Although altering the end of a scene, about 500 words of it, to bridge into a whole new section of the story? That's feasible.

The stress of work and family, though something I try to keep separate, is still rather poorly bottled. I get this annoying tick in my left eye when stress is rearing its ugly head and my heart has been racing more than is healthy. Meds are... Helping, but they aren't a cure-all against the confusion, selfishness, anger and frantic tug of war going on around me.

I'd like to make it until the last two weeks of the year with this job. Make Christmas fun by accumulating thoughtful gifts, making some of them through craft and crochet. This has meant putting creative projects lower on the priority scale but not dashing them away altogether.

Honestly, don't know how the full timers fit writing in. I can't ever seem to get enough rest to get my mind in the right place even with working part time. I admire it. Maybe the scarcity even makes it all the more precious.

But I've always done better when I have at least a solid four hours to create, nothing else competing for that time. And that will come again, so I'm not going to demand of myself what will only endanger my well-being. Creativity is work. A glorious kind but no less demanding of its own criteria. It doesn't exist the same for everyone. For me, it's fragile and I know that's part of its charm even if I'm not so fond of its fickle nature.

Reading what I have invigorates me. Maybe it's a bit of narcissism but I love to reread my writing, to feel the pull in a more engrossing way than when I first wrote it even. Perhaps that marriage is how we know our words are right for our story. When we allow a little visceral enjoyment, can't help but feel even as we go clinical with the edit, maybe that's when we're fine tuning our intuition.

And sure, maybe that's a little bit our downfall. Where we can get too sensitive or precious with a moment that may fall flat for other readers. But maybes are a silly thing to fret too much about. I understood from the moment I wrote my first book that I don't want to be constantly impressing an audience. Sometimes I make it awkward or embarrassing or disgusting, but at the very least, I hope it's not boring!

So I'm enjoying a relaxing weekend of healing and sleeping and maybe gaming or small project tweaking. No grand plans, just rolling with what can be handled. I'm determined to press on the next few weeks with as much optimism as I can muster. In this way, I'll face the now, but look forward to a freer space with my time where the piling projects can start becoming completed. It would be easy to get frustrated if I were to demand too much just now. I already know how clutter can make a living space unlivable; the same goes for cluttering your mind with too much aspiration. We're all given internal mechanisms to measure what is best for us. It can be wrong and broken at times, but on the chance that it's right, pushing too much is a deal breaker. Whatever we promise ourselves, sometimes spinning our wheels too much just obliterates desire. I've fixated myself into absolute boredom at times, a word I thought no longer applied to me. But no, boredom is sometimes recovery from overloading with fixation. Just as there is a marriage, there is sometimes a divorce with passion.

Just don't sign those papers. When it comes to loving what you do, the marriage revives in time.

Stinking Cold...

I'm not throwing in the towel yet, even though this cold is making it impossible to start writing for NaNo. I know; rather than wasting my limited time before getting dizzy while blogging it could be writing.

No, it couldn't. Trust me. If I was writing a book about LSD trips, I'd be good, but I literally thought I saw a pair of boots running a few feet ahead of the girl wearing them today. I'm not taking any meds that would do that, just good old fashioned sick hallucinating.

On that note, I felt okay to make a flower chain for my doll's head, so again, total hippie LSD shit I wouldn't trust in my book.

I guess that's a pretty important point-- know thy book. I'm sure people can gush about how surreality is exactly what fuels their creativity, but it's just not going to be for every writer. Even though I write fantasy, the book I'm working on has some pretty tight logic systems that I REALLY don't want to confuse with... whatever my head is doing these days. One pretentious thing that some writers do that makes me want to punch a nun is that thing where they act like being altered is the source of their creativity. I've spend a good part of my life struggling with an undiagnosed mental condition that did more to hinder than help. It's not because I lacked the ability to harness it. I've worked through depression, anxiety and hyperfixation, but there's not always a pretty solution around it. Sometimes it rides you. Sometimes you beat it into submission, but there's never been a formula--no matter how pretentious I might have claimed there is in the past. I was lucky sometimes, unlucky at others. Now I'm simply satisfied when I try.

So, no panicking just yet. I knew this cold would be a kicker on my ability to enjoy a word count. But drawing, doll customization projects, the ability to feel fulfilled--all of those things are on the back burner while I do that gutter-fucking slut-genitalia ass-blasting boredom circuit that is being sick. I haven't enjoyed balloony headedness as I have in the past with colds. Nope, this one just sucks and leaves me with this incessant need to do things my body is just not letting me do.

Except for sleep. Lots of that planned until I can heal up and kick some ass again.

Mwah. Love, peace and chicken grease!

Slow Start

As it turns out, I haven't *yet* gotten going on NaNoWriMo and it's Day 7. On previous years, I was pretty much halfway done or more by this point, but life got in the way. November 1st, work. November 2nd, a wonderful wine tasting trip with dear friends Erika and Phil. November 3rd until now? Bad cold. I'm taking antibiotics and steroids but I'm still not quite human. I worked today and I work tomorrow, so it's looking like Saturday is where I stumble to the starting line in Heelies and dangling from the bumper of a drag-racing jalopy.

But I'll get there, armed with a Slender Blush wine from Country Heritage Winery in LaOtto, Indiana. Going to have to order some more of it too, since they do ship to Ohio now, but my humble bottle will get me toasty and raring to go for an awesome word sprint.

I do this while juggling time with my nephews, school, work, life, so it's a challenge but I'm not panicking. The 50K words is a chip in the full demand of this story anyway so even if the goal is made, there's much more to do. I may be throwing out a short story anthology, continuations of both of my series, come my mother's birthday, just so I can put out something then. Neither rushing UnHeard too much nor unable to put out something worthwhile.

I only plan on working at Sports Page until the Christmas break before I crack down on my projects full time again. Money is nice, but passion isn't something I find worthwhile to ignore. I don't mind being less affluent in order to delve into my projects fully again.

Ah, as for doll projects, those are being chipped away at, if not in actual work then in acquiring more pieces to make the work possible. I've been, er, collecting more dolls at that. I have three tinies, one medium girl, three large girls and a large boy now, some with plans, some just keeping me salivating with possibilities. I also have a cinnamon toned Nendoroid that I plan on modding to become Dinsch, my rabbit hybrid (Bryfolk) character. I have most of the parts. Just waiting on some gouache paints to start some of these faceups. I was going to do acrylic but I've seen a lot of advice that gouache is a lot easier to work with for a beginner and I am, unquestionably, a beginner in the doll world.

Rienna, the first of them, currently has her garters, dyed bathing suit/leotard and wig done. I have yet to sculpt her armor, make her boots and carve her sword, but I'm being rather fiddly with these parts since I keep looking for advice before diving in, making sure I'm investing in the best pieces before diving in. I have several clays, fabrics, and woods to work with, so if one isn't going well, I'll be able to minimize frustration by hopping to another option.

In any case, I'm off to start an adventure with Linux for a friend, so do wish me luck, if you have it in you. I'm a very busy woman and wouldn't have it any other way!